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"I wish" - my list for Mom
Internal Administrator
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:28 AM
Joined: 1/14/2015
Posts: 40463


Originally posted by: Gail

I saw the other post titled "Dear Dad" and instead of posting on that for my Mom, I decided to start one for Mom's.

My problem, however, deals with the things I WISH I had said to her before this disease stole her mind -- good things, AND bad things. I had a lot to say, but never really let her know the issues I had with her and never had the guts to tell her. Now, she is still here physically but not mentally, so I can't bring up issues because she won't remember the incidents anyway. I can only tell her I love her, and hope she knows it deep down in her heart.

So, I guess my "Dear Mom" should be something like this:

I wish - that you were still here - in mind and not just body. I wish - that you had loved us enough NOT to push us away. I wish - I had told you a thousand more times that I LOVE YOU. I wish - that you knew how much your family really DOES want the best for you. I wish - you didn't choose one person over the rest of your family. I wish - you could have been free to be yourself more before you lost yourself inside your own head. I wish - I had been a better daughter, after you stopped being my mother. I wish - I could hear you sing again. I wish - the world could have heard you sing in your prime. I wish - this disease would just go away.

I could go on for hours....

Anyone else have an "I wish" list?

Gail
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:28 AM
Originally posted by: RockyRoad

As a new member I sit and read your stories untill I can't see through the tears. The dates of your memerships...Some have been here for years. This will be me too. My Mother, Mae has just begun the nightmare of dementia. Today,finding this web site, I found someone to talk to, I'm "broken" beond words.......So I'll check in often, and listen, and ask for help and advice. I'm 57 3 grown kids,5 grandkids,2 dogs 6 cats. We all live around Lodi Calif. Were a close family,and they understand my fears of loosing MY mom,in such a cruel way. Its that "broken" part of me... that scares us. I'm determined, and very agressive about her care. I'm not in denile as to her future. The constant challenge we all face, I accept.... I cannot control the pain I feel.I'm the one crying,sobbing so emotionable, I can't talk during the support group meetings. Doctors I talk to are iritated, my anxiety, and emotional break downs, cause my Mother stress. My Mother tells me to shape up!! Even when she hates me, she'll be mom for a second, and say oh hon, don't feel so bad and stop tearing at yours nails, that must hurt you. And then she might hate me again. I cry everyday. How long, how much worse will it be.
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:28 AM
Originally posted by: Val-Re

Dear Gail,
It's easy to love the lovely parts of a person, but not so simple to love a real,whole person. Thank you so much for starting this post.
Once, after my mother died, I wrote an e-mail to a dear friend about memories of my mother as she was, to me, and she was a real person, loveable and in some things not so loveable, like me and other real people. My friend was upset at the time. I think maybe it was because she had not come to terms with wanting/needing to feel all the feelings she had toward her own mom. But I love my mother very much, as a real person.
I wish my mother had been better nurtured by her own parents. I think she could have been so much happier. People deserve happy/good childhoods to get a good start in life. Life as an adult has so many challenges. I told her I loved her often, but she always seemed suspicious of my words and actions. I'm glad she wasn't the parent to get Alz. as she might have got stuck in those times of childhood unhappiness.
Peace. Joy.
Namaste
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:28 AM
Originally posted by: Wes

Dear All of You,
I have never written to one of these before. I saw the Mom list and thought of one I started a couple weeks ago. I live 1000 miles away and my sister and father take care of my mom. But it's really my sister. My mom is pretty far gone now, very challenging behavior, mostly gibberish coming out of her mouth, and has lots of physical problems as well. Are your mothers at home or in a facility of some sort? Ours is still at home and we are divided on the nursing home. It's killing us to watch my sister provide care and get so beaten down, but she won't give up. If your mothers are outside the home, can you give us some advice on your struggles to make that decision and how you feel now?
Thank you so much.
Leslie
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:28 AM
Originally posted by: Delila

Dear Gail and Lydia,
My mom has AD and I am 2500 miles away from her. I moved away 4 years ago and prior to that had not lived more that 3o min. away. She could carry on a phone conversation with me 2 months ago and now can't complete 1 sentance. So much that I wish for right now...where to begin?!
Mom, I wish...
I can be there with you to see your smiles and feel your hugs.
I wish dad loved you and wanted to help care for you. I wish I can take you away.
I wish that you would have stood up to him and showed him how strong you really were...something I always saw in you.
I wish you would have protected me more from him instead of always trying to keep the peace...even though I know why you did it.
I wish I can find the strength to help you, even thought I'm not with you. To stand up to dad and get you the care you need.
I wish your life was happier, that you were spoiled more and laughed a lot more.
I wish that I can see you again while you still remember me. I'm doing all I can to come and be with you.
Thanks you for loving me unconditionally and always telling me how much you love me. I am a better mom because of you.
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:28 AM
Originally posted by: Lydia618

Gail,

This is such a healthy thing to do! You are so right to do it. Getting things out of your head and heart and on "paper" are good ways to help you through grief, guilt and stress.

Part of my "I wish list" for my Mom...

I wish I had spent more time with you earlier when I suspected AD, but couldn't acknowledge it.

I wish you weren't so good at "faking it." It hasn't helped to get your diagnosis.

Sometimes I wish you hadn't been a nurse. It is so hard to tell you things. You think you know everything about medicine and medical care, you don't.

I wish you weren't almost deaf- it makes it so much harder to communicate.

But- I'm glad:

I'm glad you loved me. I've loved you too.

I'm glad you were a nurse. You made a difference in so many people's lives.

I'm glad I've had you as long as I have and I'm glad you haven't left me completely.
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:28 AM
Originally posted by: Delila

Dear Judy,
It sounds like we have alot in common. I am also 2500 miles from my mom. It's very frustrating that I can't be there with her. She still lives at home with my dad. He is in denial and won't get her any help. I have 2 brothers and they don't insist on getting her any help. I don't know the last time she bathed, but I do know that she can't do it herself. This is a terrible disease that affects the entire family, but being in denial doesn't make it go away. She talks about death often. I remind her of her faith and tell her that God is not ready for her yet, that he still has a plan for her here on earth.
I wish you peace and pray that we all do the best we can for our loved ones...no matter how far away we are.

Delila
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:28 AM
Originally posted by: Gail

Delila, my Mom talks about being dead all the time too...I think in her more lucid moments when she realizes what has happened to her mind she knows she doesn't want to live like this. Those lucid moments are becoming less and less frequent, too.

Yesterday was her birthday, and my brother and I went to see her together. It was a nice visit.
My heart breaks for those of you who are too far away to visit....

Gail
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:28 AM
Originally posted by: just exhibit love

Hi Gail

my thoughts are with you and your family at this time..

Gail your "I wish list" was beautiful..and so from your heart..take care my friend..and I truly believe she knows....she was Loved..Namaste Rosie
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:28 AM
Originally posted by: Gail

Dear Litllostgirl and Val-Re,
I am so glad you brought this back up to the top of the board, I had forgotten about it. There are still so many things I wish I could tell her, many more than I can remember to write down here!

One thing I would tell her right now, today: You would HATE living the way you are. I wish I could change that for you. You always loved the holiday season, and I love it because you loved it, but this year I will be visiting you in a nursing home and you won't be able to remember it's the holidays...I'll try to bring a little of your past joys to you at the NH. I love you, Mom.

Gail
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:28 AM
Originally posted by: Maggie F

I wish my father could smile. He didn't always smile at things I could be proud of, but sometimes he did.
I wish my father could hold a conversation. They weren's always such nice conversations, but sometimes they were o.k.
I wish my father could remember social conventions and not take out his teeth in a restaurant. Or walk down aisles like he is the only person in the world. Or throw money at sales people in stores.
I wish he could remember that he had grown past some of his racial bigotry and not say cruel, disrespectful things about people he doesn't even know.
I used to wish he was the man I always wished he was for a father, but now I wish there were at least glimpses of the parts he was able to manage on occasion.
If Alzheimer's teaches me anything, It's expectations and wishes are nothing to build a life on, or even a day.
Just live each moment the best we can. And give the day to God.
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:28 AM
Originally posted by: Gail

Instead of posting this on the main board, I thought I would reply to this "long-ago" thread for those of you that replied. I lost my Mom to this horrid disease on January 17th, 2010. She died peacefully with her 5 children around her, along with her favorite nurse from her nursing home. It could not have been more peaceful, but watching her die changed me forever. She also had colon cancer, but that never really came into play, it was the AD that took her from us forever. Even though we "lost her" to AD a long time ago, it's hard to realize that she is not here anymore.

Thanks for listening.

Gail
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:28 AM
Originally posted by: near

Hi mum,
I miss you so much there are no words to convey my sadness. My heart is broken forever.
I wish you didn't have this evil disease.
I wish I understood why you have had so many health related battles. I'm so proud of you for being a Breast Cancer Survivor and for going through all the other operations with such bravery. You are the strongest woman I've ever known.
I wish you knew that you are my hero, I couldn't think more highly of you.
I wish you would eat, I'm scared of you wasting away.
I wish you remembered I am your daughter. I have Always been proud and grateful that you are my mum. I am sad that one of the last things you were able to say to me was that you were not my mother. I know you didn't mean it, you just didn't remember me. I'm so glad I can remember the times you told me that the day you gave birth to me was the happiest day of your life. I miss talking to you and all the stories you told me. I'm sorry I felt irritated by you repeating yourself. I'm glad I never told you that. What I wouldn't give to have you tell me one of your neat stories again and again.
I wish I could talk to you and tell you how much I miss you. I don't know how much you understand and I don't want to upset you so I cry by myself.
I wish you weren't in pain. I am grateful you take the painkillers even though you hate taking pills.
I wish you didn't just stare blankly at me wondering who I am.
I wish you could vocalize your thoughts.
I wish you would say "I love you" and "LUM" back to me. When I was a kid I cherished the notes you'd write on the napkin in my lunch. It made me feel not so alone in all the new schools. I ALWAYS knew you were there and I adored you, I still do. LUM
I wish you could hug me. I'm SO grateful you want to hold hands sometimes. Your grip is so strong. I love the way you don't want to let go. I hope you're not scared. I am scared a little.
I wish I could cure you with my love.
I wish the whole world knew that you were the very best mom in the world. I miss you so much.
I love you more than I'll ever love anyone else. I'm so very grateful, proud and honored that I could be your caregiver and YOUR daughter.
I wish I understood why God chose you to get this terrible disease or why ANYONE has to suffer with it.
I love you mum.
All my love, Deb
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:28 AM
Originally posted by: litllostgirl

I am new to this msg board.My mom is 86 y.o. and has had Alzheimers for 12 yrs.I live over 1000 miles away from her.I read your wish lists and cried.Gail,we are twins!You spoke about all that I feel.I was never my mothers favorite.I knew she loved me but did not want to be bothered with me much.I am living in Arkansas now(since 1995),she is in my birth state of Michigan.I grieve for her everyday and wish we could have been closer.I love her so much and I wish I had her back just to talk to.How do we deal with this disease?My father has been dead since 1994.Now I have no parents and not sure how I go on w/o them.Thank you for your touching wish list,I feel I have so much in common with you all.
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:28 AM
Originally posted by: MsJudyG

Momma,
I wish I didn't I live 2500 miles away from you so I could come and see you and hold you every day.
I wish you didn't have this horrible illness.
I wish daddy was still here to hold your hand.
I wish you were happy in your mind and not so mean and nasty all the time to the people who are trying to help you.
I wish you could walk away from that place like you want to do, but you can't.
I wish all your grandchildren would visit you, but you made them afraid of you with your nasty comments and they don't understand your illness.
I wish so many things for you my dear sweet mother.
I wish you love and understanding and all God's love.
Thank you for loving me like a mother should. I will treasure that love for all my live long days. I love you so much.
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:28 AM
Originally posted by: Jim Broede

I've learned so much from what I didn't do in the past. Sometimes, because I chose not to speak what was inside me. Other times, I spoke. But maybe couldn't find the right words. Now it's so much easier. I'm not afraid to be intimate.To express love. In so many, many ways. With words. Maybe I've fallen in love with words. Spoken words. Written words. I am so grateful. That I have lived to 73, and counting. Because it's given me time to learn. To be more expressive. To better understand the meaning of love. And how to savor it. It's never too late to speak to a loved one. My father. My mother. My dear wife Jeanne. I can still write letters to their spirits. And I have. I can say it all. --Jim
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:28 AM
Originally posted by: Gail

Lydia,
thank you - I almost deleted the post because no one had responded to it and I started to think it sounded spiteful or hateful, which it was not intended to be. You hit the nail on the head - it WAS therapeutic! There are still thousands of things I would like to say to her but will never get to.

I hate this disease....

Gail
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:28 AM
Originally posted by: Gail

Leslie,
It took my family a long time (overdue) to put my mother in an Assisted Living Facility. What the final straw was that she was leaving the house (or trying to) at odd hours, in the winter, by herself. My Dad couldn't get any sleep so he was really having a difficult time dealing with it all. She is SAFE where she lives now, and that's all that matters to us. We didn't want her to become a news headline - "Alzheimer's patient dies in snowbank" and for us to feel horrible that we didn't ACT. Plus, my Dad can visit anytime he wants but gets to leave when she starts "acting up". You have to care for the caregiver as much as the patient, and it sounds like your sister needs to be cared for, not just your Mom. Good luck, it's not easy, and welcome to this forum. It is a godsend.

Gail
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:28 AM
Originally posted by: Jim Broede

The most important wish/fact is that you've had a wonderful mom in your life, Deb. And you always will. She'll live inside you forever. That is what will pull you through. Love of daughter for mother. And love of mother for daughter. That's the ultimate gift. Love. Pure love. That never goes away. The important thing is that god gave you a loving mother. And many happy years. Together. Overall, you've been blessed. --Jim
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:28 AM
Originally posted by: Jim Broede

Your mom's spirit still lives inside you, Gail. And it's a happy and vibrant spirit. Savor what mom has given you. --Jim
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:28 AM
Originally posted by: Jim Broede

The nice thing, Maggie, is that your dad had some good moments. Cherish the good ones. Yes, remember him for the good. --Jim