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Crying all the Time
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:56 AM
Originally posted by: younghope1

Hi Kathy, my name is Tracy and I haven't posted much lately but your message brought tears to my eyes. You see I was diagnosed with Early Onset when I was 38 in 2002. Our son is now 13 and I am progressing now in the middle stages but still able to function well in some ways except on my bad days.

There are days my son sees me struggle with what i want to say or struggle with how to type on the computer or even fix a simple meal. Lately more than not he is seeing a sometimes angry side of me. It makes me so angry because I can't do anything about it. But kathy, your Mom will ALWAYS be your Mom with or without Alzheimer's. On those days that she displays anger or is simply struggling to put a sentence together she is the same mother that gave birth to you so many years ago and gave you love and support through all of your years regardless of what you were like or what you had done. Your Mom may be forgetting you in mind but you are buried so deep in her heart that she will never forget who you are. On those days that seem so bad hold her hand, give her a hug and I bet you will see a glimpse or a twinkle of the Mom you miss so bad.
Internal Administrator
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:56 AM
Joined: 1/14/2015
Posts: 40463


Originally posted by: KMac

This is my first visit to this site, and I am hugely moved by everyone's words, thoughts, and poems. I've felt so alone this past year, and just reading your words comforts me, and makes me know that I'm not unique in my feelings.

My mom was diagnosed with AD over a year ago, but we knew something was wrong long before then. She is now in the final stages, and lives in an AD assisted living community. She is only 71. The folks who work there are wonderful -- they truly care, and I'm thankful that my mom had the financial resources so we could provide this level of care.

I am a strong, independent woman, but this is killing me. It is so unfair. My mom has not had a happy life. Both her parents were alcoholics, and her mother died when she was a young teen. She has never been a strong woman, and she basically gave up living when my parents divorced 25+ years ago. In her later years, she found happiness again with a gentleman friend, and finally had some money in the bank from an inheritance. She retired, and I thought, finally, she'd be able to enjoy life. And then AD.

My mom is not my mom anymore. She can no longer put together a cohesive sentence. She can't bathe, dress, or toilet herself. She can't read, write, or watch TV, enjoy a movie or a museum. I'm fortunate that she seems to remember me, but oddly, when she and I are together, she'll talk about me as if she's having a conversation about me with someone else. I'm not sure if she knows it's me who's with her, or if she thinks I'm someone else.

I'm strong. I'm a realist. I know this disease will kill her, and we're preparing for that. There are times when I lie in bed at night and look out at the sky and I say, "God, please just take her," and I feel like that makes me a bad person. But she is gone -- she is not my mom anymore. I want the end to come quickly for her, but I have to be honest and say that I want it to be over for me, too. I am crying all the time; my mom is foremost in my thoughts all the time. And I feel selfish because I want my life back.

It's funny, because growing up, mom and I were never really close. We butted heads often, but she was always supportive of me and my brother and sister. During one of our visits a few months ago, when she was much more coherent, we were talking about "AL" (which is what she called it) and she wondered why this happened to her. I told her that maybe this was God's way of bringing us closer together. I guess the only good thing to come out of this is that we are closer now than we have ever been. It shames me to ask God to take her -- to bring her peace.

I've gone through a dozen tissues writing this, and know I'll go through at least a dozen BOXES more before this journey is over.

Thank you for reading. Good luck and God Bless you all.
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:56 AM
Originally posted by: DHTR

KMac,
It's as if I were the author of your posting. Yes, I am also crying.
Mom is 81 this month and her ALZ. was recently diagnosed but is in the advanced stages. She is at her home (my bro. lives w/her) bedridden and totally dependent on us for everything. She has a few semi-lucid moments here and there but mostly just mutters incoherently. I'm not able to sleep and all I do is cry.
Mom and I have been close, but as you, we butted heads here and there. She has congestive heart failure, lungs that are permanently damaged, in desperate need of a knee replacement (she wouldn't withstand surgery) and now the recent diagnosis. Her condition has deteriorated considerably since the diagnosis and the doctors have been candid in explaining that there is no such thing as betterment for her. Witnessing her rapid decline has broken me into a million pieces and I now find myself praying that when the time comes, it be peaceful and pain-free.
By the way, I'm at her house 5-6 days per week, come home to recoup for a day or two and head back out to her place.
For the last two months I'd been asking myself why God would allow a person to suffer so much--why didn't He take her suddenly and quickly--what kind of God would allow this much pain (both for mom and myself)? The light went on in my head about a week ago...all of a sudden EVERYTHING was CRYSTAL CLEAR...it all made sense! He's giving mom and I time for healing and to say our good-bye's!. About four days ago, she had 2-3 minutes of complete lucidity (she and I were alone in her bedroom) and, through tears, she asked me to forgive her for not being there for me when I needed her most and for slighting me over and over throughout her life. I told her there was nothing to forgive, that I knew she did her best and that I was truly blessed to have her as my mother and that, quite the opposite: I needed her forgiveness for whatever disappointments/anger/grief I had caused her. Needless to say, we were both a sea of tears during this dialogue. The amazing thing about it is that I meant it..there is no resentment and ALL is forgiven, the big and the small. I've no idea where the resentment went, it was just instantly GONE and it has stayed GONE!
I can honestly tell you that going through this horrendous journey has slowly made me put things in perspective and I am so much more aware of what the important things in life are...love, understanding, respect...all else is inconsequential.
Yes, I'm still crying. I love my mom more than anything in the world...and I know she loves me too.
When the time comes, I will be left with an emptiness in my heart that NO ONE will EVER be able to fill.
KMac, your posting spoke directly to me as it felt that you were putting in writing the things that were floating around in my mind...I had to respond. Please continue posting... isn't this message board heaven sent? Maybe we can help each other.
Try to be strong...we're all in this with you.
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:56 AM
Originally posted by: Jim Broede

KMac:

The more one loves, the more one hurts. I know that you hurt very much. Time will heal the hurt. But the love for mom will be forever. --Jim
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:56 AM
Originally posted by: monkeydolittle

I am to crying not for me but for my mom who has to watch her husband my dad and not having the nicest things said to her at times.he wont take his pills,shower,or even take his cloths off at night.My dad was a very smart man he could help you with any word or math that I couldnt do as I was growing up.I see my Dad on his bad days like he is just trying to find his self.its hard not to get mad at him when he calls my mom names but I try and hold on for my mom and to understand my dad how it would be like to not know where you are or just who am I..he looks at me like he might know who I am but I am not for sure.I want my dad back.....
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:56 AM
Originally posted by: Jim Broede

Kathy:

I want to add something to my earlier post. I like your honesty, Kathy. Your thoughts are very legitimate. Nothing to be ashamed about. It's reasonable to wish that your mom dies sooner than later. That might be the kindest fate of all. For mom's sake. Sounds to me, too, that you have come to truly love your mother. And you want what's best for her. You really care. --Jim
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:56 AM
Originally posted by: KMac

Thank you, Zoey and DHTR for your postings. I know I'm not alone, but sometimes it's very, very hard, as you all know! It's nice to be connected to others who share my feelings! Thank you!!!
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:56 AM
Originally posted by: ZOEY M

Yes Kathy....you are not alone friend.....I too am crying.....but did you ever taste your tears, they taste so pure.......we are here for you, never feel alone or sad.....we're just a prayer away.....My Mom too did not have a great life....s/abuse in her early yrs., her Mom died on my 6th birthday after 3 strokes, divorced in 1964, I was in 7th grade, she still fears my Dad, yet he is old now (84) and I assure her he has learned from his mistakes....in fact we are planning a family reunion this coming weekend, It could be stressing her out, she almost hates him, who knows, all I know is Life is short, and we must go on, and forgive, that is my only option...."Even a flower knows when its bloom is over, but what a site to behold" Z

Hang in there FRIEND............ZOEY Roll Eyes

ps: If you get a chance....go to Musings and schroll down to "I NEED YOU" ...a writing I posted by an Author Unknown.........Z