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Heartbroken and stuck
Posted: Wednesday, December 9, 2020 6:27 PM
Joined: 12/9/2020
Posts: 1

My mum was always there. It was my mum, my aunt and me, that was my family. Then my aunt moved away and I grew up, got married, had a daughter and my mum came and stayed with us and never left! I and then her grandchildren were the focus of her life. Nothing was ever too much trouble. Last autumn she began to get forgetful, we saw the doctor and got vitamin D prescribed but before a second blood test could be taken we were in lockdown. It happened so quickly. At the end of May she began behaving strangely and in a few weeks stopped washing, would return from a walk and announce that she was off for a walk, stopped eating properly, forgot how to cook and would steal flowers from the neighbours gardens. My husband was having surgery so we were in lockdown within a lockdown. My mother did not understand about Covid and could not be out on her own following complaints by the neighbours and for her and my husband’s safety. I had to hide the keys and lock the doors or she would wander off for hours at a time. I called for help and she was given 4 weeks respite so I could care for my husband after surgery. The last two weeks before respite began, she began hallucinating - seeing her possessions out in the road and getting very upset and angry that I would not let het go and get them ( the first ten or so times we went and checked and showed her nothing was there but as soon as she got back upstairs an£ looked out of the window, her memory reset And she would imagine her things outside again). 

I could not visit her for 4 weeks caring full time for my husband and her being in a type of quarantine. On the first visit with a health visitor to assess her needs, I was not sure that she recognised me (wearing a mask did not help) but in being questioned by the health visitor she had made up a family history with a policeman husband, a son and no me. She has never been married and I don’t have any siblings, I explained to the health visitor.

I visited again a couple of weeks later and she definitely did not recognise me. In fact she sat at the table outside with her hands covering her eyes like a small child hoping that I would go away because she just wanted to go for a walk. The visit lasted 15 minutes 12 of which were me talking to the care home nurse before I suggested they let her go. She can never come home.

I have not been able to visit again because of another lockdown but am too upset to call or visit again.

People do not seem to understand my grief- she is still alive! But my mother is gone. I see her face, her gestures and hear her voice but she is not there. It is like a cruel dream. How can she have forgotten me and made up a new family?

I am so sad.

Posted: Wednesday, December 9, 2020 9:27 PM
Joined: 2/16/2017
Posts: 1579

Dear TBelle,

I am sorry your are having to deal with this disease but that is exactly what it is. There will be times your Mum will know you these are very confusing times for her. My DH was in a MC facility and at times he thought I was one of the caregivers. I just let him think that I was nice and he liked me. Maybe you can go and take her for walks she may know who you are if not she will love you for taking her for walks. Be strong she needs you. Hugs Zetta  

Posted: Wednesday, December 23, 2020 9:42 AM
Joined: 6/12/2016
Posts: 2058

I'm sorry you are hurting. This disease is the worst and I truly hate it. I understand how you feel because I miss my Momma too! She is alive but my Momma is gone. Every now and then there is a tiny glimpse of her. I cherish those flashes of time but they are getting fewer and fewer.