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Joined: 11/13/2022
Posts: 35
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I was wondering if there were any other LGBT people in the Albuquerque area who are taking care of people with dementia and/or other memory loss issues. I am a 69 year old Gay guy watching over my 68 year old husband who has been diagnosed with MCI (Minor Cognitive Impairment). Brain imaging and other tests do not display ALZ, but nevertheless....
Thanks to all!
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Joined: 12/13/2022
Posts: 6
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I don't live in Albuquerque but I too am a gay man caring for my husband. I live in Portland, OR. My husband also is in early stages, and coping with his lack of short term memory is difficult. He also remembers things that didn't happen, which also is stressful. Correcting him does not work. He gets angry if I question any memory or lack of memory. I am 84 and my husband of 33 years is 80.
This is my first post.
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Joined: 11/13/2022
Posts: 35
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Rudd, sorry to hear that your situation is close to mine. The short-term memory issue totally floors me. I have a decent therapist and participate in a caregivers' support group, both very helpful. We have some good friends but I am very reluctant to talk to them. That is my own issue as they are well aware of the problem. Lately I have been listening to sentimental old tunes and sometimes I cry (i.e. "I love you for Sentimental Reasons" by Nat King Cole). I never would have guessed we would be in this place. I am not stoic by nature but working towards some sort of acceptance of things I cannot control. Let's keep in touch.
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Joined: 12/13/2022
Posts: 6
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Janco, sorry to be so slow in replying. For me the false memories are harder than the lack of short term memory. Yesterday I read in a book by Neil deGrasse Tyson about a huge fungus under Oregon. When I told Jerry about it he said "Yes, it's been all over the news." Apparently also all over the news is the information that fungi are closer relatives to us than to plants. I can't talk to Jerry about interesting things.
Another problem is that Jerry is terrified of COVID so he won't go anywhere. For the first time in 3 years we went across the street to our son's house (for Christmas dinner). I stay sane by going to Pilates twice a week and for a massage once a week. I plan to do some volunteering soon. Jerry will hate that. He feels terribly lonely if I am not in the house. Although he won't admit to his memory loss, I'm sure subconsciously it makes him afraid.
Unlike you we have only our immediate family, no close friends in Portland. If I had friends here I would talk to them. I wish I did.
I'll try to be more prompt in posting next time. I'd like to keep in touch.
- Rudd
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Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 18707
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Rudd wrote:. He also remembers things that didn't happen, which also is stressful.
This is called confabulation, cobbling together scattered bits of memory, some of which may have happened years ago, some may belong to other people, or may be from television. You just have to be aware, don't try to correct. This is due to the brain damage.
Correcting him does not work. He gets angry if I question any memory or lack of memory.
This is anosognosia, unawareness of having dementia and memory loss. He truly believes he is fine. If you try to correct him, he will resist and become upset. So don't do this. Avoid talking about memory. Learn work-arounds from the members on the two caregiver boards.
If you persist in trying to correct, they will become suspicious of you. You need to maintain trust.
Iris L.
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Joined: 12/13/2022
Posts: 6
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Yes, I have learned not to correct him. If he remembers something that did not happen I either let it go of it or say I don't remember that. When I say I don't remember something he worries that I am having memory problems, so usually I say "You may be right."
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Joined: 11/13/2022
Posts: 35
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Rudd, I hope you had a good New Year. We can't change our husbands' condition but we can try to love ourselves and our families and friends. Maybe 2023 will bring some peace and acceptance.
"Ever tried. Ever failed, no matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail Better"--Samuel Beckett
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Joined: 12/13/2022
Posts: 6
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Yes, let's plan on a better 2023. Jerry is pretty much the same, but I am better at coping with it.
I am lucky that he can still do all the things he does aroundnd the house (e.g. laundry).
My New Years resolution is to do some volunteer work.
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Joined: 11/13/2022
Posts: 35
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Doing volunteer work is a good idea for many reasons. I am also taking a course at the University of New Mexico. Slowly, one gets used to things.
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Joined: 9/16/2020
Posts: 108
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Hi Janco, I too am in Albuquerque. I'm 66 and my husband is 69 and was diagnosed last Sept. with Alzheimer's at the UNM Memory Center. There is a LGBT online support group that meets every other Friday at noon. You can call the Alzheimer's Association to get on their email list so they can send you the link to join. I've been on over a year and the people are great. Many are caregivers for their parents but there are a few of us that take care of our spouses. Take care and hang in there, we will get through this.
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