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The Day We Talked About Your Dementia
Posted: Tuesday, December 14, 2021 9:12 PM
Joined: 12/14/2021
Posts: 1

I'm brand new here.  I'm a writer and a few weeks ago, I wrote the following in a grief writing workshop that I attend.  This piece pretty much details where we are.



The Day We Talked About Your Dementia

We were on the phone, which was not my plan, the day we talked about your dementia.  We talked about confusion and sundowning and how I didn’t want you driving in the late afternoon or evening. We talked for a long time. It was a touchy conversation, but surprisingly easy.  We both were receptive. It was the right time if not the right place.  Maybe we needed the distance the phone provided to talk about these hard things.  We agree that I should start packaging your medications for daily consumption because it was getting to be too much.  We talked about how much more lucid and normal you had been in the hospital.  I attribute it to consistent meals and medications. 

You do confuse easily and often.  It’s hard to watch. You bristle with me when I gently correct you and offer your opinion that it is me who is confused.  You are firm in your belief that all is well until you’re not. When you do realize, when you see the writing on the wall, you ask me about it.  You have a million questions, all of them hard to answer.  You confuse your nows and thens.  Your dreams and your awakenings.  The mundane and the surprising.  You are resolute one moment and a small child trying to decide at the candy counter the next. 



You are curled up on the sofa with your legs tucked under you.  You look at your daughter and wonder how it is that you got to this point.  You never wanted or expected to need someone.  You are grateful, but sad.  This is not how you wanted to go out. You ask her for help with something else. If it wasn’t important, you wouldn’t.  But it is.  And you ask.  She says, “of course.”


My mama tells a story that I don’t remember, but evidently, she was PMSing or simply being a mother or something and behaved in a way that offended my small self.  I called her on it.  I put my hands on my hips and declared, “When I’m the mom and you’re the little girl, I won’t be so mean.

God, let it be so.  These are dangerous waters I’m treading, and I don’t feel ready.  But it’s time for me to parent my parent.  There is no roadmap, no handbook.  Only the poets can show me the way and I’ve never been good at poetry.  I’m trying. I really am.


Posted: Wednesday, December 29, 2021 12:53 PM
Joined: 7/17/2020
Posts: 243

God, let it be so. It's rare to have such an insightful experience at such a young age. I'm glad your mother told you the story because I'm sure it will help you in caring for her. I am my wife's sole caregiver but next month I'm taking a trip where I can't take her with me. One of our daughters will be learning what it is like to parent her parent. I hope she handles it well.
Posted: Wednesday, December 29, 2021 5:18 PM
Joined: 12/29/2021
Posts: 1

When my mother lashed out at me on the phone this afternoon, I cried, not meaning to, but unable to help myself. The end result is that I joined this forum hoping for help in coping with the ever increasing anger.


Jo C.
Posted: Thursday, December 30, 2021 1:23 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 12919

BJeanC; a very warm welcome to you.  I am so very sorry for what is happening; even though we know it is the disease speaking, it is still hard to hear such harsh words.

You have landed on a "Musings" Forum.  I would like to invite you to Post on the Caregivers Forum or even the Spousal/Partners Forum; this is where most of the support and informational wisdom will be found; this Forum is not as active nor meant for more complex matters.  So hope to see you there.

Question:  I am interested in the photo for your avatar, I cannot tell what it is and am interested in finding out if you have time to answer.

May you find the support on the Caregiver's Forum helpful. We are permitted to Post on any Forum we wish; so you will find your comfort zone soon.