I’m assuming, Michelle, that you decided to delete your thread. I understand. Because this is a public forum. But I think it’s important that you talk to your psychotherapist. In  the same open and vibrant manner that you were talking to me. Seems that you were beginning to truly understand yourself.  And that’s a big step. It’ll help you deal with your depression. By being honest and gentle to yourself. Take care. And stay in touch. I really do care about you. --Jim

I’m confident that you will come out of this. Whole. Your real self. And you’ll  be happy again, Michelle.. Because you have the stamina. The will.  The wherewithal. And you are seeing a psychotherapist, too. You are trying, trying to get better. To resolve all of your  issues. I’m in your corner. A friend. Listening. I’ll send you words of encouragement. In this thread. You needn’t reply. Stay private if you must. Better to take care of yourself. First and foremost. Love thyself. That will get you to where you want to go. --Jim

Depression runs in my family. Lots of it.  But I’m lucky. I’ve been a happy fella. Virtually my entire life. Even when things go wrong, I don’t stew for long. Focusing instead on the stuff that has gone right.  Such as falling in love. Not once. But twice. With goddesses.  Little wonder. That I’m also in love with life.  Could be that love is an antidote for depression. Maybe my dad was out of love. He committed suicide. When he was 38. Wish I could have counseled him then. But I was only 13 at the time. And not into counseling. Now I’d be capable of talking the likes of my dad into savoring and embracing the goodness of life.  --Jim

I’m more conscious. Of who and what I am. At age 80. Than I was at 20 or 40 or 60. Not sure if that’s significant. But it’s comforting. Maybe that’s what Michelle and Julie and so many other depressives are looking for. Comfort. Can’t say that I was ever uncomfortable. In my younger days, though, it was a different kind of comfort. Not as deep. Or penetrating. Still sensed that I was evolving. But there was no hurry. Time was on my side.  Now I’m running out of time. But no reason to panic. After all, I have more of a sense. Of who and what I am.  Yes, I’m making progress. --Jim

Dear Michelle,

Do you remember why you came to musings? Several weeks ago. You started a thread. Addressed to me. And asked, out of curiosity, ‘Who are you?’  And I told you. Then I declared, ‘Now you must tell me something significant about yourself.’  You hesitated. But after some prodding, you responded. With the observation that you really didn’t know yourself. And that you have been in depression much of your life. That your husband, too, is in the early stages of dementia. You apologized. For not telling me anything significant. And I replied that you were getting to the core of the matter. You were volunteering amazingly significant stuff. About yourself. And you gradually told me more and more and more. So nice. You were facing up to traumatic issues. You were beginning a search. For ways to cope. Effectively. With life. I was duly impressed. Delighted, in fact. To see you opening up. Making progress. Then you suddenly disappeared. You deleted the wonderful thread that you started. I understood why. Your fears. To post in a public forum. Anyway, I’m encouraged. Because you told me that you are in psychotherapy. Trying to get help. Now, all I want to know. Are you all right?  I do care. -Jim

I haven't had much time lately to write. But I read, Jim. I do so appreciate your compassion and your writing style. Which is the way of my brain... all day as I do the things necessary and unnecessary, too.  I know you asked for Michelle, but I had to add that I, too as an eternal optimist, love a happy ending.   Interesting, my hubby, always perfectionist, always worried, always wondered what people thought, never made friends easily as he had a 'wall" around himself. You can do that easily when you are 6'6", by the way.  As he has been taken over by this Mr. Alz, He is at total peace! not a worry,   unless I am out for too long.  He is a new man. What a relaxed state he is in.  He has always been so faithful and true to me, but now he is able to enjoy life. Interesting?    

Michelle, come on back. It is nice to feel cared about and accepted because you are you. No judgement here. It always feels good to me to share. What I have written would not sell magazines so I know it is safe here.   Jim, you can't say that!

Hi Jim, 

I am here. Not often though. Thanks for keeping tabs on me. 

Learning the definition of ME. Therapy feels like being blasted by a fire hose up against a wall. All these memories, feelings, life.... Are flooding out. I will continue to stand up and fight forward to reach the one holding the hose (me) and one day shut it off. There is a lot of water to pour out so it will be some time. 

Learning of vulnerablity. Don't like that word.... Fear of loss of connection.  It feeds fear and sadness and feelings of worthlessness. You must take emotional risk, exposure, face uncertainty. Then comes shame. Shame drives the feeling of "I'm not good enough". Shame is "I am a mistake". Shame grows rapidly when three things are present... Secrecy, silence and judgement. (I am very good at those). What stops shame is empathy. (Not so good at that). Cut myself a break. Be vulnerable...is not being weak. It's being courageous in standng up to the unknown. 

Now...all this is what I am learning and trying to believe. In time. 

My emotional iceberg is being chipped away with a toothpick. Gonna take some time.

Welcome back, Michelle. You are making sense. I’m listening. Come here. Whenever you feel the need. To be heard. --Jim

  Keep thinking and talking and writing. In an open and vibrant manner, Michelle. That’s how you will come truly alive. The way to find and define yourself. Bit by bit by bit. Sounds to me as if you are on a wonderful trajectory.  You have a desire. A yen. To be honest with yourself. That takes courage, indeed. And you have it. Imagine. Imagine. You are beginning to believe in yourself.  I believe in you. And you will find others. On your journey.  You are learning to savor the life force. --Jim

I learned this week...

Talking with my therapist I said to her .." I am bipolar". She quickly corrected me and said.." I am Michelle and I have a disorder called bipolar disorder". There is a huge difference between the two statements. I have many good qualities. Yes, the bipolar disorder is a part of... It is not all of me. I am Michelle. 

Odd thing. But nice thing, Michelle. I’m trying to make you feel good. About yourself.  And it turns out that you are making me feel good.  Because you get it. You are learning to be Michelle. You are digging. Deeper and deeper. Learning who and what you are. With the help of a therapist. But you are the one doing the digging. The work. You are learning to set your fears aside. And deal with your bipolar disorder. In an effective and dramatic way. I’m proud of you. And that makes me feel good. Very good.  Because we have reached each other. Thanks for helping me feel good. We are teaching each other. How to feel good. Wow! That’s stupendous. Terrific. Thanks for your insights. Your help. --Jim

My mother taught me well. While I was very young. Before I learned to read. She read to me. The story of the Little Engine that Could. The engine that believed in itself. That achieved remarkable feats. Chugging up a steep hill. By repeating the refrain, ‘I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.’ --Jim

I’m hoping. That my friend Julie. Is chanting. ‘I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.’ And that some day she jubilantly shouts, ‘Hallelujah! I did it! I did it! I did it!’ --Jim

Hi Jim,

Been awhile. I do not look at this site any longer. It has been a month. Not sure why I looked at our thread. I noticed I joined this site nearly exactly one year ago. This year has taught me so much about myself. Because of my husbands illness I have had to learn about ME and change the way in which I live. My world stopped as I once knew it and it has taken a year to learn the new way of life. I blamed my husbands illness causing my mental illness to derail. Honestly... I was already derailed, I just hadn't crashed and hit anything yet. Well, I crashed and am raising above the fire and smoke. Medications and my life coach and other doctors and friends and family have been patient and kind and they knew I could do it. I am not "well" .... Yet but I am sure as hell better. Changing your life takes time. I work daily on the new me. I do not judge my time or create expectations any longer. I live today... Mindfully. I tell myself "I am enough and worthy". 

I won't be back for a long time. I'm living my life. I spent so much time living the "what ifs" and "I cants" and "why me?"  I spend my days now living "I can" and "yes, I don't have to even be nearly perfect" and "I am Michelle, you can like me or move on". 

This year has been WAY MORE about me than Jim.  I came to this boards "because of Jim" and found out it was I who was so severely ill.  Funny how that worked out. To those here with mental illness.... Be wary.... Protect yourself.... learn how because this illness (yours, not your loved ones dementia) will take you out  

Take care Jim. 

Good morning Jim,

Nice that you posted. I came to see if by chance you brought the thread up.... And so you have.

I have learned to say "no".  What a liberating word.... No.  My friends and family are sorta at odds with this word since I use it regularly. Best part is... I don't have to lie and make long winded explanations or explain myself. Simple, no. 

I am learning to be self compassionate. Talk to myself as I do to others. Self critisism. Is so damaging to you pschy.  It will eat away your self worth. Without self worth.. You are nothing. A while back I was nothing. I was broken. I have learned techniques to break that strong life long habit of self critisism.

I am learning the world is not perfect and it sure as hell IS NOT my job to "make it all better". My friends and family are not perfect and it IS NOT my job to try to "fix them". Only yourself can fix you. You can offer to help but ultimately its up to them. 

What I really like is... If I am to do something such as help a friend, go to a support group or run around doing errands, etc. I ask myself... Will this make me feel more positive, more energy and self satisfaction? Or will doing this drain me and I will feel tired and exhausted. I get to chose. This is where the word "NO" comes in handy. 

I am learning that there are 2 things going on... My emotional self worth part of me is getting stronger.as if I am a flag pole and I'm becoming cemented in the ground. My pole is upright finally, just not secure yet.   The other part of this equation is my mental illness... Evil thing I tell you. The illness was its own mind. I continue to have meds adjusted, talk therapy. Decrease stress. Funny thing about stress. I would say I was a master at creating my own stress... Which ran into self critisism which led to self doubt which lead to exhaustion..... You get the picture. 

So... Time for me to say adios. Thanks for checking up on me. 

Goodness, you asked for me to tell you one good thing since I last posted  me getting a bit stronger is good  BUT...

My 23 yr old sone graduated from NCSU with his chemical engineering degree and has a job starting 7-11-16. So very proud'n  

Michelle. 

Care-giving is a tough grind, Michelle. You can’t be a decent long-term care-giver for your husband unless you take care of yourself. Respite. Respite. You can’t get too much respite. You need breaks. You need rest. You need to deal with your depression. First and foremost. Otherwise, you’ll be in no condition to provide adequate care for your husband. You need to put everything in proper perspective.  And that isn’t easy. When dealing with a loved one riddled with dementia. Good care-givers exude good vibes. Even when they don’t feel like it. Even when they are prone to depression. You have to find time to take care of yourself. First and foremost.  Otherwise, you’ll be dragged down into the pits. Try not to take offense over what your husband has to say. He can’t help himself. But you can help yourself. You have what it takes. You’ll feel down. But you'll rebound. You’ve made great strides. Dealing with your depression. Keep it up.  Don’t let an occasional setback discourage you. Take a break. Be nice to yourself. You’ve got me in your corner. I’m on your side. You are going to come through. I believe in you. Now you must believe in yourself. You are a remarkable woman. Now believe it. --Jim

Respite...yes respite. We (as in me, hubby and 14 yr old daughter) are going to OH to see family for 9 days. I will be seeing those I miss and I plan to have a great time. Then we will swing over to my brothers on the way home and drop Jim off for 3-4 weeks. My brother was so kind to offer and he will pay to fly him home. I do feel okay with him flying. (I think). I better work on that.

I am working hard on Me. I am a cardiac nurse and I can totally see and accept when a patient has a heart attack and has bypass surgery... They take A LONG time to heal, to get strong and it's common to have set backs. They need rehab and time. Simply time to heal. And what must be understood they are now "different than before". They have had a life changing event. 

SOOOOO.... Why is it so hard for me to believe I am doing just that as a heart patient but it's my brain that "had the heart attack". I am rehabbing... I am resting.... I am learning a new me cause the old me was a derailed train. Make sense?? I will not "be the same" nor do I want to be the same. I needed/need a lot of work. The MAJOR CATCH is.... My life will be changing at random never knowing when a mudslide is coming. This is where I practice my "live today... Live mindfully in the minute... Be thankful.... Be open to change because u can't stop it.. Etc"

See, I am learning.... It's just those damn mudslides knock ya down. I do have friends and family who are able and willing to catch me. It's me who clams up. This is where allowing my self to be vulnerable and that "it's okay not to be okay" comes in. I can not in any way shape or form change that thing called dementia. And that I HATE.

 I know everyone on this board gets it....  Since we are early stage still (I think), it's just shocking when I look at my strong handsome kind quiet husband and smile and I must remember THAT is Jim. THE DISEASE IS NOT JIM. 

Thanks for listening Jim. I truly appreciate this thread and u being my cheerleader. 

The best care-givers I know, Michelle, are very  good at caring for themselves. And that makes them good care-givers. For others. Yes, they know the art of caring. They have practiced care-giving to the hilt On themselves. For much of their lifetime. They know what it takes. Adequate respite. Rest. Breaks. So that they are in the mental, physical and emotional state – to be damn good care-givers. They know that the 24/7 approach is ridiculous. Absurd. Not only for the care-giver. But for the patient. Usually ends up doing more harm than good. You know the ins and outs of caring, Michelle. After all, you are a cardiac nurse. You are at your best when you come in rested. When you are in a good mental state. If you are in depression. You pose a danger. Not only to yourself. But to the patients. Sounds to me like you are sometimes burning both ends of the candle. With round-the-clock care-giving. At work. In the cardiac wing. And then at home. With your dementia-riddled husband.  It’s far more than you can reasonably handle. Don’t feel guilty about it. Instead, find ways to reduce your caring workload. I did it. Years ago. When I was caring for my Alzheimer-plagued dear sweet Jeanne. I was exhausted. From my 24/7 caring regimen. I put Jeanne into a nursing home for the last 38 months of her life. But I showed up. Every day  For 8 to 10 hours. To serve as Jeanne’s supplemental care-giver. As her advocate and protector. That made the difference. Daily respite. For me. I became the good care-giver. Exuding good vibes. Always. In Jeanne’s presence. Jeanne benefited immensely. From the good vibes. So did I. I learned to enjoy care-giving. Imagine that. What once seemed impossible became possible. Go for it, Michelle.  You can do it, too. There are ways. Nothing is impossible. When you take care of yourself. --Jim

I guess I should clarify. I am a cardiac nurse but not working right now. I went out on FMLA 4/2015.... Lost my job protection and went on short term disability through my old employer and then went to long term through my old employer.  I am in no way shape or form able to "be a nurse". I am unsafe, period. 

You are so right.... I must be rested and get recharged with regular respites. My vibes for sure are felt by all... Jim and my 14 yr old daughter. When Jim goes to my brothers I'm debating on taking Erin to the beach. Something off the wall, last minute, crazy fun time. Erin too needs respite. She would always comment when we would go camping... I become "vacation mom" and relax. I am going to practice being vacation mom.

Thank you for sharing your story about Jeanne.  Good vibes.... I like that.  I think even though a LO can be early stage.... The caregiving has started.  Caregiving doesn't have a magical date it starts. I will live today for today.  Focus on today and my vibes.  Oh yea.... Focus on vacation mom  

I had to look it up:

Musing- a period of reflection or thought. 

I like that. Sometimes I get so caught up in the daily craziness I forget to stop... Be in the here an now and reflect, ponder the moment and breathe.... Look up at the sky and see the clouds, the birds fly. And when I have a period of reflection, reflect and be thankful. I may not understand all the "whys... Or what ifs" but I do understand I am breathing and upright so it's a good day. Take today.... Reflect, be thankful, be strong and even if you doubt... You are Blessed. 

Thanks Jim

Good morning Jim. 

Soon I will have respite. Going to OH with a bunch of family. Visit. Smile. Be busy with distractions. Will be good. Cousins, Aunts, Uncle, MIL. 

I'll remember to care for me. ME!! 

How are you doing?  Do you enjoy the warmer weather coming. It's hot as Haiti's here in NC. My Irish pale complexion doesn't quite tan. Lol. A sun goddess I am not. 

Living in the moment... Or so I try. I appreciate your posts. Thank you. 

Most get going. My daughter has her last full day of being a middle schooler today. To think my last is a high schooler freaks me out!!  

Take care. 

"Embrace the goodness" oh so true. Thank you. My family here is Ohio have been so comforting. Had a large gathering of 29 or so of cousins/spouses/etc. Many hugs. What was so absolutely refreshing were the genuine questions on how Jim was... Asking more than "How is he". I didn't have to fake it or sugar coat. Then what was so touching... The question, " How are YOU?  What are you doing for an outlet? Who is your support team?" And they pause for an answer... Again, no need to fake or sugar coat with "oh, I'm fine". All know of my mental illness (both my parents were mentally ill).  Jim was unable to go to gathering... Too much  

To know I have people in my corner. There may be a day when I (we) need to move and I know my family 540 miles away would embrace me (us)

These warm hearts outweigh the negative MIL.  Can't go there or it will ruin the uplifting feel I have  

Have a nice Monday Jim!! 

Sorta off topic but I took a laughing yoga class this weekend. Initially I thought, " you gotta be kidding". Anyhow by the hours end the six of us were in tears. My chest actually hurt from laughing so deeply. The instructor is a certified instructor in different yoga practices, laughter being one. I would recommend this class. For that one hour my mind was happy, smiling, laughing. 

Have you ever done this??