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How did Job manage?
markus8174
Posted: Thursday, July 12, 2018 9:40 PM
Joined: 1/25/2018
Posts: 752


My DW is entering the later stages of AD. We have constant circular conversations that are slowly driving me to the brink! Now, my kitty cay has not one, but two incurable forms of cancer. The added stress to my DW is making her go down hill faster than I can keep up. My beloved daughter keeps dropping less than subtle hints about why haven't you placed mom in a nursing home? Despite the fact that my DW is still oriented and can fudge through a casual conversation with strangers, she is also slipping deeply into agnosia. I don't see her quietly moving into an extended care facility without a lot of angst. My own health is slipping, and I can't count on anyone to lend me a hand, let alone help with my DW. What I'm wondering is: what did I do to deserve all this grief all at once? I look to my faith, and all I come up with is the story of Job. What about Job's family that were casually killed off over what amounts to a bar bet between God and the Devil. Doesn't seem to be keeping with the image of a loving, kind, benevolent heavenly father I've heard so much about! I'm beginning to feel a little Jobish. Is that blasphemous? Should I expect my other three kitties to kick the bucket just as my DW  forgets who I am and can no longer self toilet or dress? I know this is a long post, but I'm am having trouble finding any evidence of God in my struggles? Any one else have a suggestion on how to get back on my feet spiritually? I'm running out of support in my life and it's getting me more than a little bit down!
chrisp1653
Posted: Thursday, July 12, 2018 11:40 PM
Joined: 1/23/2017
Posts: 1323


Markus, I understand that for a lot of people, the many and varied forms of this disease can really put one's faith to the test.  Generally, I find that the " worldly " view of God is not helpful, because most folks ask the same kind of question that you are. They want to know where God is in all of this. I'm not sure my answer is much help, but I'll give it anyway. God is all about faith . Faith is accepting something without having anything tangible in hand to bolster that faith. This is where we really have to put it on the line. I either believe that God is who He says He is, and that He has a purpose for me and for my Barbara, or I don't believe.

Do I see God in her Alz ? No. Do I see God in all of her physical problems ? Nope. But do I see God in the tiny details of our day to day coping attempts ? Yes, I do. When she is able to tell me she loves me as I tuck her into bed at night, I see that as an answer to prayer. When she goes for 2 or 3 days without having a poop accident, I see God there.

For me, having faith in the midst of strife is where the rubber meets the road. Before all of this, I thought I had faith. Going through this seemingly endless maze makes me realize that untested faith is not really faith.  Please understand that I am speaking of my own experiences, and I am not saying that this is what you have to do or not do.

Socrates is supposed to have said, " The unexamined life is not worth living. " I would be inclined to add that the untested faith is not truly faith.

I wish you well, brother, and I'd be pleased to add you to my prayer list.

Chris


ruthmendez
Posted: Friday, July 13, 2018 12:48 AM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 2339


Hello markus8174.  I read the Job story once, and I don't recall all the details, but I remember how he was close to losing, or did lose his faith in God. 

But, if I'm not wrong, I also remember he had friends or someone visiting every once and a while to pick him up, over and over.  Try to encourage his faith.  I might be way off, but anyway....I think people are not doing what we have the skills to do.  Is help each other, especially when we are down.  

For certain, the situation you are in is too much for one person to handle.  And your health is very important.  I know, if I get ill, I will quit caring for my dad. I have to. 

And, I'm not doing this completely alone either.  If I did, I would be crazier than I already am.

You mentioned your daughter is giving you subtle hints.  It seems like she's trying to have an open conversation with you.  I know if I saw my parents in your situation, I would be concerned too.  I think you've mentioned before that she or family doesn't help much. Or not at all. But, I think she would appreciate if you go ahead and just talk about what you don't really want to talk about.  I would allow her to have a deep conversation with you about her concerns.  Although you don't agree to have your DW move away, or not at this time, or not at all, at least talk with your daughter or ask her what she suggests.  You never know what she'll open up about and maybe she can help you in other ways.  

I think God works through us, and sometimes we may find odd people who are willing to give a hand.  And, I don't deny that I've yelled at God a few times.  Sometimes you gotta tell him enough is enough.  This is what I can and cannot do, for goodness sakes!

 


Veterans kid
Posted: Friday, July 13, 2018 12:56 AM
Joined: 10/17/2014
Posts: 1239


What works for me is to pray for the strength TO pray, to have Faith. 

Sometimes, I believe, the simplest prayer, can be the most honest and pure.

Sending you lots of cyber hugs and prayers

Julie

Always be VK 


Wgonzo
Posted: Friday, July 13, 2018 7:52 AM
Joined: 1/8/2016
Posts: 365


Markus,

 I will add my own experience and interpretation of what happened to me the year my dad passed. I was already having a terrible time before he passed, lack of work, finances & about to lose our building due to the market crash. My faith had been slipping away because I was working so hard & things kept falling apart. Prior to this there were plenty of signs that said don't do that, but I was stubborn and wanted to "fix" things my way and without help. My husband tried, but I wouldn't lean on him.

Then my dad passed, suddenly & unexpected. Our lives have been turned upside down, emotionally. 5 weeks later a dear family friend passed, who was like an uncle to me. We were his only family. 2 months later my mom's oldest brother who was like a father to her passed. And, in the meantime through all this grief my mom was barely holding on and I was trying to keep it together for her despite the trouble I was already in financially. But, I still wasn't reaching out for help. My husband knew something was wrong & questioned me, but I didn't want to talk about it.

And, one morning I wake up thinking I had laryngitis. Well, a week goes by & it's getting worse. I see a specialist and find out my left vocal cord had paralyzed. Tests were done & nothing significant was found. In the meantime I hardly have a voice, choke on liquids and get easily winded. The solution was to inject the cord to plump it up and give it a chance to heal & resolve those issues. It worked and with time I got better. And, throughout this time I'm still trying to handle things myself & not telling my husband what's going on. And, I'm getting more depressed and lost.

One morning I'm alone and I have a meltdown. I tell God I don't know what I'm doing & to help me. I gave in to my faith which I had almost lost. What followed were signs of what I needed to do and I listened. Except for one thing that I was lacking courage to do and that was talk to my husband. I was disappointed in me & felt like a failure and that I let him down, because I thought I could "fix" it myself. Well, God wasn't letting me get away with that and one day the car broke down, the refrigerator blew and my husband couldn't understand why I was saying we can't get a new one. And, he asked me again "what is going on?" I finally talked to him about the mess we were in & how I tried to fix it without worrying him. And, after that we talked about everything that happened, made a plan to start resolving our problems and it got better. Which was a good thing because then my mom started showing signs of AD. And, we know what that road is like.

The moral of my story and what I take from my experience is this......I couldn't fix it by myself. The signs were always there, but I didn't pay attention. My husband wanted to help me, but I didn't listen. My voice was taken for a while because I wasn't using it to reach out for help. Pay attention, get help and it's ok if you can't do it yourself.

Here's a joke I heard & I'm probably saying it wrong, but you will get the point.

There was a great storm & the town was flooding. People were evacuating, except for one man who said God will save him. Neighbors told him to leave with them, a man in a canoe came, the police on a boat came & a helicopter came to rescue him. But, he kept saying God will save him. Well, the man drowned. When in heaven he asked God why he didn't save him. God replied, " I sent you a warning, a canoe, boat and a helicopter. What more did you want."

 


markus8174
Posted: Friday, July 13, 2018 9:40 AM
Joined: 1/25/2018
Posts: 752


ruthmendez- Thank you for your reply. I've had just about all the heart to heart I can stand with my daughter and her spouse. The message I was given was, "don't think we are going to do anything for mom if you are unable to keep on. Our lives are too important to put up with any inconvenience for even a few weeks to take over any part of her care." With love like that I think I can live better off without a family. I miss them, but I want nothing to do with them. That conversation was followed by a jump in the progression of my DW's AD, a decline in my health, and now our favorite kitty suffering a few weeks of debilitating, suffering death. I keep asking, but I'm not sure what God is trying to  tell me- other than life sucks and get used to it. I didn't think I could be in more pain than I was when my DW's mentation showed serious signs of failing, but sure enough- the pain train has so many more cars and they all have a delivery for me.
ruthmendez
Posted: Friday, July 13, 2018 9:53 AM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 2339


yes, she does sound harsh...but I think that's her way of saying-what she said.  It's kind of a push.  Take care of yourself Markus.  I don't think she'll be able to deal with seeing you decline. 

 


MissHer
Posted: Friday, July 13, 2018 9:56 AM
Joined: 11/13/2014
Posts: 2366


I noticed when I ignore the spirit and do what I want, things get worse and worse. Sometimes it seems that God has to hit you in the head with a 2x4 to wake us up. He might have even forewarn you that bad things are coming your way, but you missed the forewarning, Yes, a dream, weird,    Just expect things to keep coming your way. It's much easier to deal with because I noticed that they just keep coming. One thing after another. I never say or even think that things just can't get any worse then this. Surprise, yes they can.Years and years and years and fact it can be whole lifetime. I guess we need to keep our mind on Him,             

  This is hard. I sometimes think he must really hate me. But no. He is entrusting us to do the hard things and is there to guide and comfort us. Keep the faith. God loves you.


jfkoc
Posted: Sunday, July 15, 2018 10:34 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 20920


I think the message from God is "do your best".

His eye is on the sparrow

And I know God is watching over you and me

 


Jim Broede
Posted: Monday, July 16, 2018 11:39 AM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


We all have choices. To live or die. Job decided to hang in there. For a long, long time. Putting up. Albeit, grudgingly. With the perils of life. He could have cashed in. At anytime.  But he stuck it out. That took courage and stamina.  His psychotherapist should give him credit.  For an heroic life. Worth the effort. A shining example for the rest of a troubled humanity. --Jim
markus8174
Posted: Tuesday, July 17, 2018 8:14 AM
Joined: 1/25/2018
Posts: 752


jfkoc wrote:

I think the message from God is "do your best".

His eye is on the sparrow

And I know God is watching over you and me

The problem being, I believe God is watching over me, I just always thought he promised to watch out for me as well. His eye is on the sparrow, but I don't remember it being God who took a shot at the sparrow with a divine slingshot. I'm not expecting miracles. I see numerous examples in the Bible  that God places almost no value on our life here on earth. People are casually killed off in the Bible all the time for no particular reason that to my understanding would warrant a death sentence. I just saw God quite a bit in my younger days. A closed class that I needed to graduate would suddenly open up a place, an exam that I needed to pass but didn't have time to study for- the professor would misplace my results and offer me a choice of retaking the exam or accepting a "B" in keeping with my course work so far. My marriage, my daughters, my job, all had examples of unusual coincidences that served to smooth the way for my happiness. I'm just not seeing that any longer. If anything the opposite is true. No matter how I try, or what I pray, life keeps hitting me with the dirty end of the stick. I'm not blaming God! I just want to find an explanation for why my spiritual support system seems to be off line when I need it the most.



ruthmendez
Posted: Tuesday, July 17, 2018 9:43 AM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 2339


Markus, I didn't know you have more than one daughter. 

 Markus, I know this is a very difficult time for you, and when anyone feels so alone, it's really hard to see anything else.  Sometimes, when we are so shut down into a severe problem, we cannot think outside of anything else and we could make either a bad choice, or no choice at all.

And this could be a severe depression.  No one, NO ONE, should ever deal with something like this completely alone.

By any chance, do you have any neighbors who aware of your situation.  Let's think of you now.  Who is aware of your situation?

Have you ever checked out what's near you for a local support group, for Caregivers?  What else is out there for you where you are at?

I believe something needs to be done kinda soon.  Don't give up and stay closed in.  Please look what's near you for a support group.  The support group I joined, we can bring our LOs with us.  However, I cannot do that anymore because it's getting difficult.  So I go alone while someone watches over my dad. 

 I also have neighbors who offer any assistance, but I never ask for them, yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


markus8174
Posted: Thursday, July 19, 2018 9:16 PM
Joined: 1/25/2018
Posts: 752


For anyone who is following this thread, my kitty is doing better! I don't know how long this will last, but I'll take whatever relief I can get. I wish I could say the same about my DW. She seems to be slipping more each day. Conversation is very difficult. She can't follow the path of even the most routine interactions without getting confused. I  had to stop her meclofenamate (see my other posts as to how much good it was doing) in that she is refusing to eat on anything like a regular basis. Taking it on an empty stomach she still gets nausea and diarrhea (despite the EC capsules I place it into). I have some thoughts about why so many things seem to be hitting me at once. Perhaps I need to strengthen my coping with grief abilities and God is allowing my kitty to become gravely ill so I am able to cope when my DW enters her final slide to oblivion. I was considering one more trip this August, but with the expense of my kitty's meds, that is out of the question. Perhaps it would have more dangerous that I realize for my DW, and God is keeping her (and me) safe by using up my marginal funds. I've begun to look to the fact that God knows what is ahead for me, and will be looking out for my best interest as well as he can in an imperfect world. It remains a challenge to my faith. I'm afraid I will always be the "Thomas" of the apostles, never the "Peter". More often than not I insist on proof over faith.
ruthmendez
Posted: Friday, July 20, 2018 11:20 AM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 2339


Oh, I'm glad kitty is doing better.  I will be so upset if/when Cookie gets ill.  Had her for 14 years.  She's an oldie but cutie. And lots of shedding right now, doesn't allow me to brush her without getting sliced by her claws.