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Grieving way too much.
NC caregiver
Posted: Friday, November 23, 2018 4:51 AM
Joined: 2/7/2018
Posts: 855


Markus, I do think you are right that you are grieving both the loss of your cat and grief over your wife's dementia.    Maybe you need to cry to let those emotions out for stress relief.    Definitely talking it out & finding ways to destress are helpful to balance the sadness .
jfkoc
Posted: Friday, November 23, 2018 9:21 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 20920


Marcus...how was yesterday?
Jim Broede
Posted: Friday, November 23, 2018 10:42 AM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


I hope you had a pleasantly nutty and thankful Thanksgiving, Markus. Thankful. That Melvin will always be in your life. In your heart. In your mind. That way. You never lose a loved one. A blessing, indeed. --Jim
Cmmjjj
Posted: Saturday, November 24, 2018 11:35 AM
Joined: 11/24/2018
Posts: 1


I read somewhere that grief doesn’t ever really go away.  Rather, the hurt we feel and hold within our souls is like a circle.  Now imagine this circle is huge.  It overshadows all that we are- our friends, our hobbies, our work, our relatives.  As time goes by we build our lives back up around this grief.  Does it shrink?  Maybe or maybe not but it seems smaller because of everything else that we built around it.  The time it takes to build around our grief is very much an individual thing.  The grief you feel for you wife left no place for the grief of the cat.  It just laid right on top of it and so what?  This is ok.  You are normal.  I sense you might be judging yourself.  Maybe you are saying it was just a cat.  It wasn’t.  It was anothe grief and it hurts.  Let it hurt but today do one small thing to build your life around the grief.  It could be a walk, a call to a fiend, a cup of tea.  It doesn’t matter.  Keep building and keep living but never judge yourself.

My mom has  Alzheimer’s.  I miss her so.  I went through a time thinking I shouldn’t feel how I feel. This is the judgment.  My pet bird died and I couldn’t get over it.  I just let myself be sad.  Last weekend I sobbed.  Should I be over the grief of my mom?  No, I will never not miss her.  It’s weird and complex.  She is here but not here.  She can’t really value me like she did.  Doesn’t know what a daughter is.  Sometimes I feel guilty just thinking that the worst thing is my fear that I will be like she is now.  I think that might be selfish but then I think oh no.  It’s normal.  No judgment of myself you see.  This is hard as hell and we should feel how we feel.  Take care.


markus8174
Posted: Monday, January 14, 2019 11:14 PM
Joined: 1/25/2018
Posts: 752


I know I'm reviving an old, depressing thread, but it has been 3 months since we lost our kitty and I'm still not able to say his name without tears starting. My DW is doing OK with the loss. Occasionally she will say something like "I sure miss having Melvin around". She isn't tearful about the loss. I almost wish I was the one with dementia so I could move on. This post is because I did some cleaning today and found some clumps of his hair. God I miss that cat.
Jim Broede
Posted: Tuesday, January 15, 2019 2:24 AM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


markus8174 wrote:
I know I'm reviving an old, depressing thread, but it has been 3 months since we lost our kitty and I'm still not able to say his name without tears starting. My DW is doing OK with the loss. Occasionally she will say something like "I sure miss having Melvin around". She isn't tearful about the loss. I almost wish I was the one with dementia so I could move on. This post is because I did some cleaning today and found some clumps of his hair. God I miss that cat.

 

 

 Here’s a sure-fire way to deal with grief, Markus. Get on with life. Get another cat. When my Loverboy died, I waited a month or two. And then brought in another cat, Marcello. Meanwhile, Loverboy’s ashes are in an urn on a book shelf. A reminder that he’s still with me. When dear sweet wife Jeanne died of Alzheimer’s. After 38 years of marriage. I cultivated a very meaningful loving relationship with an Italian. That I met on these message boards. Her mother had Alzheimer’s. We live together much of the year. I’m with Cristina in Sardinia for a couple months in winter. And she’s with me for summers in Minnesota.  For 10 years now. We travel together, too. All over the world. And when we aren’t together in the flesh, we connect on Skype. Daily. I simply don’t have time to grieve any more. I suggest you take the same tack. Starting with a new cat in your life. Get with it, man. Get on with life. No need to grieve forever. Fall in love. With another cat. Life is for the living. Meanwhile, fall in love with Melvin’s spirit. You’ll always have your wife’s spirit to love, too. Go man. Go man. Don’t allow the doldrums to consume you. Cultivate a love for life, period. You can bounce from one love to another. Because someone near and dear dies, doesn’t mean you have to die, too. Learn to take care of yourself. In the right way. Live. Live. There’s always something to live for. Even in the worst of times. Live for tomorrow. For better times. It ain’t over until  it’s over. --Jim

 


Wgonzo
Posted: Tuesday, January 15, 2019 7:48 AM
Joined: 1/8/2016
Posts: 365


Markus I know exactly what you mean. Who in the world thinks that you can just replace a pet or loved one like an object! This is a person you love and a pet you love and you can't just get a new one for crying out loud.

I cry for my parents when I'm missing them. I cry for my estranged brother when I miss him. And, I cry for the pets that gave unconditional love when people didn't.

When it came to pets I always had to have a  grieving period and just couldn't get another dog right away. We think can I do it again? Can I give my heart knowing that they won't be with me long? And, the answer would be yes. Eventually I would get another dog, but when I chose that next rescue it was in memory of ones we had.

You can't replace the person you lost. But, you can love the people who are in your life now a bit more.

I agree we need to live our lives and be engaged in daily life. We are still here and we have a purpose. But, when we're grieving it's hard to see. The day will come when you can.

Peace to all who grieve

Wendy


Jim Broede
Posted: Tuesday, January 15, 2019 3:15 PM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


Let’s make a case. For putting life in perspective. Life is meant to be lived. Lovingly. It’s all right. To mourn. To grieve the loss of a loved one. If one so chooses. But it’s all right, too. At some point. To adapt to the loss of a loved one. Maybe by continuing to love the loved one. In a spiritual form.   To quit grieving. To quit mourning. The physical presence is no more.  And instead, it’s time to embrace the spiritual presence. Which can be even better than the physical. That’s the way I see it. And maybe that makes me an oddball. By recognizing that I can’t always have both. Therefore, I settle for the spiritual. Which I find comforting. I haven’t lost the love for my dear Jeanne or my dear cat Loverboy. That love still stimulates me. Daily. In spiritual ways. I haven’t really lost either one of them. They are still very much alive. Inside me. I cherish them. They are with me all the time. Even when I am pursuing other loves in my life. I m a lover. A true lover. I can’t help but bring new loves into my life. I am compelled. My loves are genuine. Not mere objects. They are forever. --Jim

 


Jim Broede
Posted: Wednesday, January 16, 2019 7:54 AM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


Happiness is a chosen state of mind. --Jim
ruthmendez
Posted: Wednesday, January 16, 2019 10:05 PM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 2339


Well, I guess different people handle grieving in different ways.  When my Cookie passes, I would like to buy a Siberian cat (I think Cookie is partly Siberian, or something hairy).

Right now, I'm not allowed to get another cat....because Cookie would be very upset about that.  She's the Queen.

Anyway, Markus, did you save the bunch of fur?  I was looking online for charms or jewelry that can hold fur, but I can't find it.  I thought I saw something like that somewhere....all I see is jewelry or memorial art that can include ashes...I plan to do that with Cookie's ashes.

 


markus8174
Posted: Thursday, January 17, 2019 1:15 PM
Joined: 1/25/2018
Posts: 752


ruthmendez wrote:

Well, I guess different people handle grieving in different ways.  When my Cookie passes, I would like to buy a Siberian cat (I think Cookie is partly Siberian, or something hairy).

Right now, I'm not allowed to get another cat....because Cookie would be very upset about that.  She's the Queen.

Anyway, Markus, did you save the bunch of fur?  I was looking online for charms or jewelry that can hold fur, but I can't find it.  I thought I saw something like that somewhere....all I see is jewelry or memorial art that can include ashes...I plan to do that with Cookie's ashes.

 

Ruth- nope, didn't save the fur. Just finding it put me in tears for a couple of days. Having a specially made memento to throw me into tears every day for who knows how long seems counterproductive. There is no way I'll ever forget this special cat. It's just that I'm 60 years old. I've lost a number of pets that were dear to be in my many years. I've just never had so  much difficulty moving on.



Jim Broede
Posted: Thursday, January 17, 2019 3:08 PM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


I don't cry anymore over lost loves. Does that make me callous? It's more a case of recognizing that I haven't  totally lost those loves. They are still alive and with me. In spirit. That's good enough for me. Meanwhile, don't cry for me, Argentina. Better to feel a burst of joy. Let's dance. Like Zorba the Greek. Life is a festival. A celebration. --Jim
Jim Broede
Posted: Thursday, January 17, 2019 11:57 PM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


One thing I like about you, Markus. Is that you are an unusual guy.  Capable of grieving. Over Melvin the cat. For months and months. Gotta admit. I like that about you. You are letting yourself be you. For as long as you feel like it. Doesn’t embarrass you. Doesn’t matter what other people think. And you talk about it. Right here in Musings. Yes, you know how to share your grief. You get a little peeved at yourself. Occasionally. For the way you’ve handled this. Thinking that maybe there’s a better way. To be easier on yourself. To take it all in stride.  I know that’s easier said than done. But please know. I admire you. For allowing yourself to fall in love with a cat. That speaks well for you. Makes you a decent guy. At least in my book. I like the way you've set your values. Your priorities. --Jim

 


abc123
Posted: Saturday, January 19, 2019 4:10 PM
Joined: 6/12/2016
Posts: 2404


Markus,

Lighten up on yourself. 

Nuts is definitely okay. 

Sending you peace. 


Jim Broede
Posted: Saturday, January 19, 2019 8:08 PM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


Good grief!!! I'm amazed by the prolific number of comments about grieving. It seems to be a hot topic. --Jim
Jim Broede
Posted: Friday, February 1, 2019 11:07 PM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


I have a feeling. That you are learning to grieve less and less, Markus. And getting on with life. Indeed, a good sign. Am I right? It helps to air your grievances, doesn't it? Just plain talking it out. --Jim