There be great power/medicine in this: at all times, an in all ways, you be cause in matter you life.

I used give talks this years go...be cause I think it be a great thing share as so oft we can fall into blame others our life.  But when we be blame others things our lives, we be take victim role...an there be no power affect change from that position. 

The metaphor example is of alcoholic who be want quit drinking.  But just so long as he be see others as the cause his drinking, he will no be able effect change this.  As soon as he can be make point view shift that he be cause in matter his drinking, suddenly he be have access power change it. 

Same goes for living with an neuro-degenerative brain disease, like Alzheimer's. 

There be old saying, quote, from author Carlos Castaneda...go some thing like, "you can be make you self miserable, or you can be make you self happ...amount of work be same."  An this be so true us disease. 

We oft do no realize how much work it be be miserable.  Indeed, it oft occur peop as easy slip into misery things.  But if you start look at how much energy, time it take be stew feelings misery...you start be see it quite lot work. 

Peop with disease do no always readily remember these things.  It can be take cuing remember them.  An then, it can take having re-remember how get back place one want be...or get back happ. 

But this all be start a decision.  For me, decision look like - an thing make me miserable - I want no thing do with, I choose no be internally miserable.  Once you be decide this for you self, in what eve way that look for you...all things start be fall in place.  It be as if universe (or G-d) be hear you, respond you...set these things you path. 

Some times, it be go other way as well...as if universe (or G-d) be test you.  Like it be say, "oh so you be say, what bout now...do you still choose this now?"  I find this be happ when you no absolutely sure you decision.  It is as if universe (or G-d) be try help you decide for sure...in effort purify you. 

I be realize my words be no real good explain all this...hope it be get through some an way.  <3

Love to read your thoughts like this.

Heard today, "what you fear is what you create."

Not sure if that is a universal truth but it was in reference to say being jealous of some one in your life, or suspicious can drive that person to do just what you fear they are doing.

 Or, that all the energy we put out towards some one can drain us while offending the person we hold responsible for our pain or fears.we drive them away by expecting them to be what we want, and that they are what we suspect. That loop.

This is not to say we should sleep with thieves and think we won't be robbed.

I did write, speak, an teach on mindfulness...an as seeing self in cause in matter of our lives.  Your point, Alz+, I would add this...we create our own disappointment.  By virtue of we create (fabricate) an expectation...which, of course, other pers can no meet...an there fore let us down...showing us, we be wrong-appoint (dis-appoint) that expectation. 

There be two ways stand in relation thing happ - 1) victim = "other" caused thing happ; or 2) warrior = "I" caused thing happ. 

Many will take victim stance: "I feel hurt, there fore other pers be bad hurt me," implied: "hurt me on purpose"...like they some how magically knew with out you eve be say.

No thing, view, stance is inherently wrong - this need be said. 

However, there be NO power in victim stance.  Meaning, there is virtually no ability available one be able change an thing bout it.  There is, however, "pay-outs" in taking victim stance...as you be get peop feel sorry you, comfort you, make concessions you. 

The example I be use this be, when young girls friends school...two girls close...one girl assumes closeness means confidentiality be kept - tells her friend secret.  But other girl be long time gossip - tells eve one else secret.  Girl hurt this - blame other girl.  An society oft allow this with out much thought. 

BUT...warrior stance be...onus on self.  You knew she be long time gossip, you can reas that she would be tell you secret IF you tell her.  You would no eve "appoint expectation" that she be keep secret. 

I do no think I be explain that real well...but that gist, of that tenet.

Man peop, however, are no spiritual warriors...an they do no care take pers responsibility their lives...or see themselves as cause in matter of their lives.  Man get huge pay-outs be victims their lives.  Man do no know how live with out those pay-outs, an confuse those pay-outs with love.  Man do no self-reflect, or learn grow things happ them their lives...an thus are no able see this...indeed, this be what be virtue of seeker - when you open, teaching will occur...as it be in literally eve thing our lives.  So be try be patient peop you lives this way...no eve one where you are.  <3

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Unfortunately, websites my stuff had been on...whether ones I had owned, or ones others had be owned, are long since gone (15 years go).  An I stopped putting my writings online aft some one published my work on ego as their own making name for them selves...an went instead giving online an in pers talks...stead, just gave real time talks.  Last place I was online give talks was SecondLife, which was an amazing platform an allowed me widen circle globally which could no do in pers at time...but we did no record them.  It had been my hope (plan), that be aft care my mom, I was going publish my book drafts an get land in order be do seminars (which would have allowed me host global in pers).  Since my work on this in my 30s, both my partners in this have be died cancer...so I be unfortunately lone holder this knowledge.  An man my old (how would you say, students?) have since gone their own ways an become teachers...teaching their own things, bearing little resemblance mine. 

I do have some one who I will be give my book drafts...an he an my daughter may publish them...an may go on give talks...but I pers doubt eith will do an thing with it as they lack true understanding it.  Or as Carlos Castaneda would have be said, pers power be carry it in way it need be carried...if that make sense?

The book draft I have completely finished, an that I think they may publish since it does no need an thing...is on Awareness.  It just be how-do handbook an be completely absent fluff...I wrote in 2009, when disease process had already begun an was unable write storyline go in it (as I be tell peop, my language have be going long time).  It was intended be 1 of 3 core teachings my work...an was meant more like text book...serve may as reminder for what taught in classes...if that make sense?  I fear it would be have little meaning with out context...except small few who interest this kind thing...who will likely recognize it on sight for what it is...an it is for them that I hope my friend an daughter (in their greed an egoic desire) will publish it.   

The best platform this knowledge real be orally...pers pers...or through back forth written conversations (which would be come lengthy burdensome for other read...an lack some thing that was be tween two peop, that would no be there other reader).  But, I always felt could be done...eve if no as well.  I wish I had some one truly willing work with me, talk with me daily on these things...pull out of me this stuff, write down for me.  Just no one my life, right now, seem interested it.  My friend understand it...he just have his own agenda, life...an ego he refuse do work get free of...thus does no want real absorb it.  Also is in heaps denial, an thinks I will magically recover...so there fore does no see ticking clock. 

I ache for what I feel an un-completed job my life's breath...but I try be make peace with, that I be touched man lives an changed man peop along way...an I have be have faith that it was enough...if that make sense? 

<3

I will email you a link my youtube channel...I just do no think it be appropriate here (share things personally identifiable).  There also be org who be doing some thing strikingly similar my prerequisite personal freedom work...so much so I had in last 10 years decided stop do, an make it prerequisite an onl have short class aft it...be fore be go on core work.  So if you be true interest this kind thing, I can let you know them as well.  I just found them effective way, get er done in single week end...what I had been willing take as long as pers needed do.  Let me know.  <3  

I be agree.  There be diff be tween victim, say of crime...which some one did you.  But there also be shades heal that as well...towards some one did that me, but it did no waylay life. 

An peop with pers disorders unique hard ones deal with.  I was married short time a man with NPD, an it be funny how fast they can spin you sense world round make you feel like one crazy.  It be took quite bit self ware, an firm commitment live powerfully in reality, get my self out those tentacles his.  It hard path way find back from sky orange towards sky blue.   

Now that progressing disease...it be much, much harder hold 2 realities consecutively...one be he think sky orange an we going pretend that, no upset him...but 2, I be know sky be blue.  So, now I find I be like...no, no, no...sky is blue damn it!  Needing be insist that...or risk lose hold reality, be cause brain can no longer hold both realities same time. 

I find I am less an less equipped deal with problem peop in my life.  We just had report worker an fire her for radically over step bounds job...an it was hard as all get out be able clear see, identify.  I could know she was real wrong...I just could no articulate why, or compare contrast...or get others see what I was saying in way make sense them.  An I have come conclusion - I am no equipped eve be file formal complaint her...I just no longer be have words, ability this. 

But I still see it...clear as day.  

An when we get some how caught in this selves...it be hard find path way back out that as well.  Like just mental semantics gymnastics that were once so eas me, now so so hard re-remember, re-figure out gain, re-do gain, gain.  This that once was so eas do.

But it real just be shift we make in side.  A perspect change...from one view towards other view.  While I could eas be say victim my ex husband...reality be, I was cause in matter also...I married him, an I divorced him.  Once I shifted, be saw...reclaim power ove situate...I was free leave.  An, I can still be love him, still appreciate good him...while be clear I want him no have power control my life well being...an no give him access that.  The shift in side allow me still be warm loving him - while stay safe me, if that make sense?

This is why some times it be hard me here.  Semantics of walk egg shells...of unnatural level care words say, that from my point view go way way be yond healthy boundaries...keeping multiple realities concurrent same time...all pose huge challenges me disease.  Much less, time it be take (so so long) re-remember, re-figure out how be navigate this stuff.   I find I often just stand there be say, sky blue, sky blue, sky blue...be cause it oft all I can do is hang on what "normal" is.  The loss flexibility this be hard loss me, as used be quit good it...felt pride in skill it...an see need for it man areas my life...an thus need it no be lost me. 

So be learn recognize sky orange, sky red, sky green peop helpful I find.  I can no get in words them...so I treat it like man treat peop dementia...I just agree an walk way. 

As I be recognize just how much an impact unhealthy peop be have my pers life, an as I recognize/acknowledge my increasing inability navigate cope it...I suddenly am bestowed, as if by virtue accepting cause aware, insight that I just need be more protective me....more limited, more cautious...less trusting others.  I feel it be protecting quality of rest life have...trying secure best possible life can.

If I be walk in situate, eve if other did me...I still be walked in...an I can still be walk right back out.  <3