sometimes I wish my husband would intercede on my behalf. He does it at church and at grocery or when we go out in public which is not very often anymore.

I was wishing he would answer the phone when/if my family calls again but he was harassed by them and I think I told him to be careful aggravating them as it comes back on me.

I have difficulty speaking now and dislike the pressure I feel when handed a phone.

any ideas or experience in what he could do? I suggested he answer phone and if they want to speak to me to say, "she is not feeling up to phone calls but you can leave a message with me." kind of weak and I think they started rumors he was preventing me from speaking to them in past.

Has anyone helped you out of a jam or weird spot that you could share with me how they did that?

open to any thing that will increase my sense of being protected and safe.

I am sorry as I don’t have answer for you. I could only think of is to discuss this with him but I know I have difficulty doing that so not sure if that is the same issue for you.

I can relate with the antics of your mom.  Mine calls to dump her toxic comments and actions about my ailing 91 yo stepfather and the rest of the world. The latest is that she refuses to become a caregiver.  She will not miss her social activities.  Anyway, when my sweetie was alive, I selected a unique phone ring that was for his calls so I knew I had to run and get the phone.  Everyone else could go to voicemail and be dealt with when I felt like it.

My rationale for not always answering the phone, then and now, is based on:

1.  I don't live close enough to anyone to go and assist in an emergency.  So it's not going to matter if I immediately answer or I wait a while until I am in the right headspace.

2.  If a family member passes away, its' the same thing.  I'm going to have to travel so again, do I really need to get that information immediately?  No.  Of course, if the caller is someone I want to support, etc. I don't hesitate to pick up the phone.

3.  Everything my mother calls about is a 911 call.  She wants me to order paper towels from Costco online, she wants to make me remember something, she wants to correct my memory of something, she had a car accident, my stepdad's nose is bleeding - it's all 911.  If I don't answer and I call later I get the third degree,  Where were you?  What were you doing?  I just say - I was walking Chaos or I was taking a nap or I was in the bathroom....I rarely tell her what I'm really doing because then it's another inquisition,  I don't need or want this.  So I don't answer.

So my advice, is turn the ringer down or off.  Let the answering machine screen calls either silently or with volume.  Call them back on your terms - when you are feeling up to it.

My sweetie never answered the phone even before dementia.  He didn't get many calls but if one of his sons called and he didn't want to talk to him, he didn't.  I just said he was out in the yard.

I do hope you figure out a workable solution for yourself.  

If your husband is talking with them, and they ask for you, he might say, "she's taking a nap" or "she's outside," and "would you like to leave a message?"  That should be enough.  I also like the idea of letting the calls go to voicemail.

Iris L.

Screen the calls. If keeper says you're not up to taking a call they will persist all the more. Less is best for both he and you. They WILL try to get to you through him. Personality disordered persons love to play games. They thrive off of chaos! It's important you and keeper both don't get caught in the traps they set. If there are too many calls you can block their phone #'s intermittently. If there is a true emergency let them send you a telegram.

Don't show your cards when you're feeling vulnerable! This is what they want. To know they are getting to you and making you miserable! Give the perception that you are really happy, doing well and have moved on! Any excuses for you not being available for taking a call should all be centered on your doing something positive, you're having fun, you're happy, you are out and about, you met a new friend, you have visitors, you won a trip, a 2nd honeymoon etc. The more happy you and Keeper sound the better!

Agent 99 is right. Every call will be a 911 call! An urgent call with news you must know! Delete the messages on the answering machine. 

As other's have suggested - let the calls go to voicemail. There is no rule that just because the phone rings you have to answer it. You can even turn the ringer on the phone off - then everyone whom call will get your answering machine.

eagle