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A New Beginning
Nurse2011
Posted: Monday, September 17, 2012 11:10 AM
Joined: 9/16/2012
Posts: 3


This week we are all suppose to be back to what we call "normal"- back to work, back to school for our daughter. Its been 9 days since her passing- my mother in law, my hubands mom, our daughters nanny and my father in law wife. How do we find what is normal now?

Yesterday I saw my husband be angry at times to very loving....I always have dreaded this day but knew it would come. My husband is an only child, as I am too. We blessed our daughter with that same situation too.  How do I handle the mixed emotions that are to come here the next few months with him, he has no idea what to feel....goes from happy that she is in a better place to mad at himself for thinking that to crying.  Is there any advice? Do I let him have alone time?  I want to be doing the right thing for him.


farawaydaughter
Posted: Monday, September 17, 2012 12:44 PM
Joined: 4/19/2012
Posts: 414


9 days is just a blink of an eye on this new road of grieving. It will be a roller coaster of emotions for quite some time, there is just no skipping that part. You may benefit with a grief group or a counselor. Everyone grieves differently. Sometimes a person needs to talk and just be listened to, and sometimes they just need to get out of the house, go for a walk, do something different. There is no formula sadly to make this any easier.

 

It is a lot to digest all at once.

 

I am so sorry for your loss. This is a good place to share with others, so welcome to you and your husband.

Farawaydaughter


KML
Posted: Monday, September 17, 2012 1:00 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


Allow your husband to feel his feelings.  Let him know you understand and that the fluctuations in emotions are very normal.  Give him a hug and kiss and let him know you understand.  Ask him if he wants time alone.  I do want time alone and I haven't been able to get it. 

 

If he's interested, he can get a book on grieving.  When all these emotions come hitting you at once, it's hard to understand what you are feeling is normal, but it is.  For me, reading it in a book validated that I wasn't abnormal, it was as if the book was written for me.  But, of course, it wasn't, so that was even more validating, that it was written, because my feelings were not unusual, it is the course of grief we all feel.  The book I read was On Grief and Grieving by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.  There are many books on the subject.

 

Even if your husband may not be in the mood to read it, you might want to, so you can understand and be comforted by it, too.


Lisa428
Posted: Monday, September 17, 2012 3:18 PM
Joined: 12/5/2011
Posts: 795


Hello,

 

I am sorry for your loss and your family's loss.  Grieving is a process.  It takes time.

 

It would be best if you and your hubby would have open communication.  Feel free to say what you feel without hurting each other's feelings.

 

There are so many things/feelings/stages you will both go through.

 

I lost my husband 30 years ago to cancer.  Then, 2 years abo I lost my Mom to Alzheimer's disease.  I was her caregiver for several years.

 

I do know what your husband is feeling.  He's glad she's not suffering anymore yet he feels guilty.

 

I wish you Peace and Hope,

 

Please, keep posting.  Perhaps your hubby should post too.

 

Also, we have a 24/7 toll free helpline @800-272-3900.

 

Lisa


Nurse2011
Posted: Monday, September 17, 2012 8:07 PM
Joined: 9/16/2012
Posts: 3


Thank you all so much......I had the day off from work and made sure to not be home when he came off. Just for the fact of giving him some alone time, it worked cause thats what he needed. His job is very stressful and he had many meetings today with people wanting here and there.  Just hugging and reassuring him that we'll get through this. This Saturday his dad has asked if we all would come down to go through his moms clothes and whatever else is there. He wants to bag the clothes up and donated them. Is this too soon or not?
dj okay
Posted: Monday, September 17, 2012 8:32 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 1840


Dear Nurse,

 

I think it all depends on the people in the family.  Some folks just want to clean out the closet, the drawers, their things.  They don't like looking at them knowing their loved one isn't going to use them anymore.  Then there are those that can't bear to part with anything right away or just can't bear to look at things that belonged to their loved one.

 

I listened to my husband when I started going through my mom's things right away.  He said "Just be careful.  I gave away things of my dad's I wish I had now."

 

So I try to keep a few things for a while until I know for sure I want to get rid of them.

 

But with your father-in-law, he may want to clean things out.  Just ask him if he doesn't want to keep some of her personal items, perhaps not clothes, around just for comfort for a while.

 

There is no playbook for this process.  Do what feels right for your family.


farawaydaughter
Posted: Monday, September 17, 2012 9:44 PM
Joined: 4/19/2012
Posts: 414


Please also note he may change his mind, multiple times. Be there to support and help but let your FIL lead the way. He may only get 1/2 way through it, or not want to do it at all on that day. He may have memories he wants to share while doing, you are all grieving, but it doesn't mean you will all be in the same "head space" as each other.

 

As others have said, there is no right or wrong, time limits, etc.....we all play it by ear.


Mistic1961
Posted: Tuesday, September 18, 2012 7:04 AM
Joined: 12/21/2011
Posts: 40


I think you learn, when he needs time to process his feelings alone, and when he needs to vocalize them. My husband is an only child also, so I can associate with you in some aspects. He lost both of his parents in a 3 month span and explains it as feeling orphaned. Men are different they aren't always vocal when he feels like talking listen and let him know you are on his side. I believe the key is to listen allowing him to vocalize his feelings which should come in time.

 

You asked about going through clothing being too soon. I don't think it's about being ready to do so cause if that were the case I don't think we'd ever feel ready. It's a difficult thing to do, but do it with the understanding that Mom would want her items to be used by others. We've tried to remain busy on the weekends when we aren't working, even the evenings during the week working on projects we'd put off. Sometimes I really didn't feel like doing things we normally did, yet I pushed myself for my husband. Afterwards, we both discussed it and found that we had done it for one another, to find that it was exactly what we needed.

 

If you really think about it, We know deep within our hearts they wouldn't want us to be sad. Their lives were dependent upon others and that wasn't their normal.

 

 

 


Marjk
Posted: Wednesday, September 19, 2012 4:49 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 799


Everybody grieves in their own way.  It's still a very recent event.

 

I don't think it's too early for your FIL to want to get rid of her clothes.  I'm sure he'll keep a little something, but sometimes it's easier to do the task when you are still numb.


KML
Posted: Thursday, September 20, 2012 10:51 AM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


When my mom passed away, my dad wanted us to clear out her things right away.  For him, it was necessary, for me, it was hard.  I didn't feel like I had a chance to breathe and take in all that happened.

 

My dad passed away almost four months ago, and my sibling has just approached me about sorting through my dad's things and getting my parent's home ready for sale.  I'm not ready for that, I don't think I ever will be.  I don't want to let go of what's left of them.  I don't have much of a choice. 

 

I guess for me, sooner or later, it's just going to be plain hard and I'm never going to want to do it. 

 

I agree to be careful about sorting through and making sure you have what you want, the special things, the small things that have meaning to you and your husband.


Gayle
Posted: Friday, September 21, 2012 8:38 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 196


Sadly everyone has a different normal for them. There is documented 5 stages of death and you just have to work thru them, there is no fast bullet to get thru your feelings. Hang in there, it all takes time. Put one foot in front of the other and allow the emotions to do what they must.

Sending you healing hugs,

Gayle

ps we lost our loved one to this ugly disease some time ago and when we look at pics it still brings in a flood of memories.


bela
Posted: Tuesday, October 30, 2012 12:26 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4121


people can swing back and forth between stages and do not always foll

ow the stages as outlined in kubler ross's books...she is not the only expert.

Please go slow when sorting...  if in doubt about an item, keep it and you/your husband can re sort at a later time when it is less painful.

I don't know if it is true for men for i kept alot of my dads soft clothes (t shirts, jackets etc)...i loved his scent and i slept with them for some comfot.

some people want to discard while others wish to wait.  something in the middle is best.  


bela
Posted: Tuesday, October 30, 2012 12:30 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4121


PS  i agree 9 days is nothing...some places of employment only pay for 3 days. omg.  emotions are still raw at this point and you are just coming out of the numb/shock state.

allow your husband to be alone..i wanted to be alone so i could think my thoughts, jump up and write, take a nap, stare, breath, cry.  no one likes to cry in front of others i have found in my  work as a therapist..

asking him will help you know for sure what he wants each day.

the only thing i wished for during my grief is that someone would have brought me food...i didnt feel like thinking therefore i wasn't buying food or eating..  If you could cook some of his favorite foods that would be nice IMO