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Missing my dad....
Posted: Monday, December 24, 2012 9:36 PM
Joined: 7/30/2012
Posts: 40

I miss my dad so much.  He was my last remaining immediate family member.  He died 1week ago at approx 5:55 pm mst.  I was there.  I just watched his body focus on lungs and heart.  Just breathing, and I watched him stop.  It was almost like it didn't happen.  His body was so tired.  

I feel like I can barely breathe.  And I'm so lonely.  My husband doesn't understand why I'm not happy he is gone, that he is not suffering.  I am so glad, but why did he even have to get this disease.  Why is this happening to our most precious people?


I put a watch on my bedside table, set to the time of his death.  So I can remember my funny, quirky, sarcastic poppa.

He wouldn't have wanted to leave me.  I just feel so alone.  I have all this time on my hands... No racing from home to work to nursing home.  No burn out.  No feeling like I have so many places to be and do that I can't do any of them well.  And now I can't even think straight.

My dream last night was at a very Large gas station, I was pushing a grocery cart.  My dad was outside the gas station and sick, and I kept pushing this cart in and out of doors, screaming for help.  But I had been screaming for so long that I had no voice.  So I was running and pushing the cart, and waving my arms,  and no one came to help.

Very symbolic, I woke up gasping.......

I miss him so much.

Posted: Monday, December 24, 2012 10:14 PM
Joined: 11/17/2012
Posts: 1203

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. I wish I could take away the hurt you feel.


My partner lost his father 2  years ago. He had been taking care of his dad for quite a while and was devestated when he died. After several weeks I took him to his doctor because he was so depressed and couldn't think straight. He went on an antidepressant and took some time off work.


Im not suggesting you need help, but I wanted to share what can sometimes happen.


Take care and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Laguna Mandy
Posted: Monday, December 24, 2012 10:46 PM
Joined: 10/29/2012
Posts: 36

Thinking of you it's only been a week... So raw....

I was with Mom when she died exactly the same, watching her take her last breath Novembee 7th ( 6 weeks ago). She was my best friend too so I understand the feeling of alone. Be gentle to yourself & hope you get through it ( one day at a time baby steps)....

Peace to you


Posted: Tuesday, December 25, 2012 7:03 PM
Joined: 2/19/2012
Posts: 96

I absolutely hear you. I am so sorry. I lost my best friend, my mom, Nov. 5 at exactly 4:35 a.m. I miss her so much. I too knocked myself out everyday rushing from work to home to her and felt so drained. I don't know how I got everything done but I did. And I would do it all again if only she was still here. It has been such a melancholy Christmas.

You have just been dealt this card so close to the holidays. Please understand that grief doesn't happen the same for everyone. Some can look at it and say they are at peace and move on. Others like myself and maybe you have a hard time accepting it even though we knew they we were suffering. It doesn't make it any easier.

Posted: Tuesday, December 25, 2012 7:33 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097

I sure do understand where you "time" is 3:06 p.m. and I'm now 8 months out and still every Sunday right around that time I think about mom.


One week is SO tough.  I'm sorry your husband doesn't understand.  We do.  Lots of us lost our parents this year--and for dad to be your last family member, well that has to have a special pain.


If you used a hospice, contact their bereavement coordinator and find out what services are available to you.  If not, you can call almost any funeral home and ask when their next grief support group will start.  It can be helpful to talk in person with a group who understands, especially when people currently around you don't.


It doesn't seem like it, but I promise it will get better.  It will always hurt some, you will always miss him and I can't say you won't cry at times, but it will not feel like you are going to die too.  I swore I wouldn't survive the immediate grief, but I did.


This holiday season is especially painful for all of us--it's a "family" time, woo hoo.  Well there's no tree here, just me working and that's okay.  I'm just hiding until after the first of the year. 


It might help a little to take off for a weekend by yourself where you won't have any responsibilities except to feed yourself, sleep and cry.  It's not for everyone, but it can be a way to get away from people who just don't understand the loss.

Posted: Tuesday, December 25, 2012 11:40 PM
Joined: 11/23/2012
Posts: 130

I am so sorry for your loss.  My dad passed October 2011 but at times still feels like yesterday.  He developed dementia immediately after surgery on the arteries in his neck, never recovered much from that, then had a massive stroke and in 5 days was gone.  Daughters have a special bond with their dads so many times that I think it is extremely hard for us to get over it.  Though my dad has been gone over a year, this Christmas seems to be harder for me, I have missed him more and been very emotional through the last couple weeks.  I am now taking care of my mom who has been diagnosed with AD, we think maybe stage 4-5, she has overlapping symptoms, so I got overwhelmed thinking that this is our last Christmas with her too.


Grieving is terribly hard work, more than anyone can imagine before they lose someone that close to them, like a parent. I felt like my heart was going to explode sometimes and it made me so mad to grieve, I refused to do it and it was making me literally physically sick. 


When you are more ready to do the work it takes to grieve, I would advise you to get in touch with your local hospice and see if they have a bereavement support group.  This made all the difference in the world for me.  It was my safe haven where I could break down and cry or be mad or whatever I was feeling because everyone in that group was going through the same thing. I started in my group about 4 months after Daddy passed, it was just too raw to do it any sooner than that. If your hospice doesn't have a group such as this, talk to the funeral home who handled your dad's arrangements and see if they know where you can get into one.


I think human nature makes us feel like we can do things ourselves but grieving is just too hard many times and we need help and this type of group will help you, hold your hand, listen to you without judgment and accept you for where you are RIGHT NOW, not demanding where they think you SHOULD BE, because everyone grieves differently and their own pace.


God bless you with peace and comfort in these terribly sad days.  My heart weeps with you, I remember the pain such as you describe, but I hope that you will get some connection that will help you through the days so that it doesn't hurt so bad you don't feel like you can breathe.  Take care of yourself and stay connected with everyone on here too.  Hugs to you friend.