RSS Feed Print
What might have been
Posted: Monday, January 14, 2013 5:55 PM
Joined: 3/7/2012
Posts: 218

Mom, who was 83, passed away in the last month after many years of progressive dementia.  Three of her (regular senior citizen) peers passed away within days.  Their Memorial Services were filled with family and friends to whom they had close connections with up until the day they passed away. 

Dementia robs so much, so gradually over such a long time.  I'm sorry for the lost years where Mom could have been an active participant in my life, my son's life, her great-grandchildren's lives.   She would have still been the pianist at the senior center, and the secretary of the senior club,  the active church member.   

I love her, I miss her -- but for all others she had become a ghost -- slowly fading into invisibility.   


Posted: Tuesday, January 15, 2013 7:42 AM
Joined: 12/2/2011
Posts: 726

It is such a long goodbye. They are still with us, but not really. While my parents didn't have the life they hoped for at the end, they still had many moments of joy. I am thankful for that. 


Carol -- I am sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself.  Hugs...

Posted: Tuesday, January 15, 2013 2:53 PM
Joined: 1/23/2012
Posts: 2270

I do not usually look in this section of the site, but was pleased to find Carol here.


I too lost my mother last month, at the age of 93. So many things have gone through my head in the interim and only now is my brain starting to settle in.


I miss Mom, but then, I have missed her for a long, long time. What remained of her still included the essence of her being, the sweetness, the considerate person who asked for nothing and appreciated everything. The person who was still here was so simple yet still found joy in simple things, and was an inspiration to me.


Yet I will not lie - she was a challenge as she wanted to be independent despite a body and brain that were betraying her. I was the target of her aggravation toward the end, and I just had to take it, knowing the dementia was talking, not really Mom. In fact, I still admired her determination not to rely on anyone else. She was feisty and I loved her!


On Saturday we will have a memorial service and cheerful farewell, will reminisce about the fun times and the person she was, as well as all the people she touched. Maybe then I will cry, although I still do not think I am ready.


With Alz we mourn our loss long before the loved one leaves this earth. My heart has run out of tears at this point.


At least I can hold my head up, knowing I did everything I could, gave all I could without complaint (most of the time anyway!) and grateful God gave me the opportunity to care for her until He called her home.


Wishing blessings to all who have lost a loved one.....and peace, most of all, inner peace.

Beautiful Dreamer
Posted: Friday, January 18, 2013 12:26 PM
Joined: 12/10/2012
Posts: 27

I am so sorry for your loss........

I too think I began part of my grieving before Mother passed.

The pain is still so new though.

Thinking of you and praying for peace and comfort for this journey.



Beautiful Dreamer

Posted: Friday, January 18, 2013 8:05 PM
Joined: 3/7/2012
Posts: 218

Nora -- my thoughts will be with you and your family at  Saturday's Memorial Service. 

Remember - no regrets, no what-ifs, not one thing done differently.  We are truly blessed.  


Posted: Friday, January 18, 2013 8:21 PM
Joined: 1/18/2013
Posts: 13

I am Cloudvacation.  My husband died over three months ago.  About a week ago Mom and I moved from the apt. we shared with him into a one bedroom apt. in a senior community.  I am grieving the loss of my husband, but am reminded constantly that it would have gotten worse if he had stayed here in his failing physical mind and body.  I believe totally in his spiritual presense, yet am astounded how at the same time I miss his hugs so much.  I am working 

 to talk to him now, advice someone gave me, which helps me.  I talk to him outloud and tell him hey, look at that TV show, I know you love seeing that with me.  Or I whisper I love yous to him so people won't think I'm crazy talking to myself.  I hope sharing this idea can help someone else a bit.  This is hard and it hurts.  It hits you in waves or at odd times, odd triggers.  And having been exhausted by the disease process leading up to it, I am just tired.  And this in spite of knowing I am one of the luckier ones, because he died of something else and didn't have to live through the worst stages.  God Bless You All!


Posted: Friday, January 18, 2013 9:10 PM
Joined: 12/30/2011
Posts: 47

I will say a prayer for each of us missing our loved one tonight.  I will be thinking of you tomorrow, sweet Nora at your mom's memorial.  Tomorrow will be one year since my mom's passing.  I plan to visit the cemetery in the morning, go for a long walk around the lake nearby, dry my tears if I need to ( I will!) and then pick up my beautiful daughter at home and take her for her final graduation dress fitting.  It is lavender, her grandma's favourite colour!
Posted: Saturday, January 19, 2013 3:51 PM
Joined: 12/2/2011
Posts: 726

@Cloud -- I am so very sorry for your loss.  Sending you heartfelt condolences and hugs.
dj okay
Posted: Saturday, January 19, 2013 6:17 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 1840



So good to see your name again.  I sent my sincere sympathy for your loss.  I lost my mother 5 months ago but I'm sure losing a spouse is so much harder.


I hope things go well with you and your mother and I hope you can heal from the pain of losing your dear husband.

Posted: Tuesday, June 25, 2013 9:48 AM
Joined: 2/14/2013
Posts: 223

Cloud, since my husband passed away almost 2 months ago, I find myself with lots of time and I somehow I find comfort here where others know what I'm going through and understand. You are not crazy for talking to your loved one. I do that all the time. I know my grown children who live faraway would think I'm crazy but I have to do what makes me feel good. I printed out a pic of my husband drinking coffee, he loved coffee. I put the pic in a 5X7 frame and place it on "his place" on the table and I talk to him while I am eating breakfast and drinking coffee.My children love me, they call often to check on me but I don't tell them the things I do. Only on this forum will I find people who understand and don't think I'm crazy. So keep on talking to your Mom. It helps. Peace. HappyBee
Posted: Tuesday, June 25, 2013 9:50 AM
Joined: 2/14/2013
Posts: 223

Cloud, I'm sorry, I meant to say, keep talking to your husband.