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It all went so quickly
Posted: Wednesday, December 18, 2013 6:46 AM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 70

This week my husband died at home, holding my hand, the way we wanted it. After all my research and planning to place him in a nursing home,  as so many thought I should and I did , however reluctantly, events took over and he was here, where I really wanted him to be.  Hospice took over and smoothed the way and from bed to death was only five days. Incredibly a week ago we were shopping and having lunch.  The next day he was trembling and uncertain in his movements and was having trouble swallowing or even holding a cup or spoon. I got him into his local GP quickly, who just said "Hospice."   FIve days later he was dead.  I haven' t been on these boards for a while, and had never noticed this category before; maybe I didn't want to.

There is a certain feeling of "What am I supposed to do now?"  There is an emptiness in the house. And it's a week before Christmas.  I am alone, we have no children and no family. Lots of wonderful friends, old  and new. One of my oldest friends is flying here in the middle of her family  Christmas to spend a few days with me, others have offered but she would not take NO for an answer.

  I still think he is in the other room and I need to go check on him.   I hope i can start to recall his voice pre-illness, the things he used to say, remember him off on some project, out in his garden, or sailing on the water in his floppy old hat.

We had discussed long ago together the usefulness of research into the causes of this terrible disease. So his brain is being studied at a major university research center.  I didn't want to have to arrange this at the time, or think much about it - another thing Hospice did for me along with the funeral home where I'd pre-paid for arrangements.  

I will be getting through Christmas with the help of friends, and then some travel to visit other old friends.  I will miss him always, but in different ways and in varying degrees, I think.  And i'm not going to make any major decisions and moving,etc for at least a year.

I feel I'm out of a job. He was my job for three years, 24/7.  


Posted: Wednesday, December 18, 2013 2:50 PM
Joined: 11/8/2013
Posts: 7

i just lost my dad the day after thanksgivning.  it was quick,also (5 days in last stage of alz) ... i am the daughter and caregiver.  the last 5 days were very traumatic for mom and me ~ and ive had to set aside my own grieving so that i dont escalate my moms grieving.  I feel your loss and pray for you that you will find strength.  i have two young boys and have not done any christmas shopping , i am numb ~ im trying to find strength and possibly we could help eachother by reliving a christmas memory of our loved one .. just an idea... Godbless
Posted: Wednesday, December 18, 2013 4:28 PM
Joined: 8/7/2012
Posts: 218

I am so very sorry for your loss. 



Posted: Wednesday, December 18, 2013 5:47 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105

I am very sorry for your loss.  I wanted to personally thank you for the selfless act of both your husband and you for making arrangements for his brain to be studied.  I cannot tell you how valuable and important that is.  Your husband will keep on and keep giving to many people, his act of giving will give hope to many.


It sounds like you are doing as best you can right now, it's going to be a very big adjustment.  I'm very happy that you will be with loving and caring friends and I wish you peace and comfort.


Please continue to come here when you need comfort and support.

dj okay
Posted: Wednesday, December 18, 2013 9:05 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 1840

Dear Aliceother,


I caught my breath when you said you were both out shopping and having lunch last week!  Oh, my, it did go quickly for him.  I'm sure you are still trying to catch your breath.  My heart goes out to you in your loss.


I want to echo was KML said about him donating his brain to research.  We all hope so much that they will be able to find a cure for this devastating disease and you both have done a wonderful thing to further that cause.


This is a tough time of year for many of us.  I lost my mother last year and thought when I got through the first Christmas it would be better.  In some ways it is and in some it isn't, it's just different.  I'm sure with the loss of a spouse it will go on for a long time.  But we are here to support you if you need us.


There is a special grief for a caregiver.  I remember for weeks being in the middle of a mundane task like putting clothes in the dryer and thinking "I need to take something to Mom today."  It was so automatic.  I also had feeling of falling, losing my balance kind of feelings, that took me by surprise at various times.  Expect the unexpected.


Be kind to yourself.  I'm so glad your friend is coming.  Hang on to that one!  She's a gem!


Let us know how we can help.

Posted: Thursday, December 19, 2013 9:47 AM
Joined: 12/2/2011
Posts: 726

Dear Aliceother -- You are in my thoughts.  I am so very sorry for your loss.  Please be gentle with yourself as you travel this part of the journey.  With heartfelt condolences and hugs from afar...
one daughter
Posted: Thursday, December 19, 2013 11:19 AM
Joined: 1/30/2013
Posts: 1980

I am so sorry for your loss.
Posted: Thursday, December 19, 2013 2:30 PM
Joined: 12/30/2012
Posts: 3520

I am sorry for your loss. That was fast at the end and thoughtful for your husband to understand and want to give his brain. Praying for you as you face the holidays on your own. I am sure looking forward to seeing your friend and the travel to see others will help you adjust.  Please keep in touch here on the boards.
Posted: Thursday, December 19, 2013 9:13 PM
Joined: 2/14/2013
Posts: 223

'm so sorry for the loss of your LO.So glad that you have friends to  help and comfort you through this sorrowful time. May you get strength from the Lord to keep on going. May the Lord bless you and your family. HappyBee
Posted: Friday, December 20, 2013 5:18 AM
Joined: 2/12/2012
Posts: 553

I am so sorry for your loss. The gift of holding hands was a gift. My 67 year old spouse died in my arms on Sunday. .. Stay strong.  Paulineh.   Hugs to you
Posted: Friday, December 20, 2013 6:34 AM
Joined: 9/13/2013
Posts: 80

I am so sorry for your loss.  My mom fell the morning after Thanksgiving and passed away five days later.  I spent so much time over the past two years wondering how it would end but now that it has it is just such a shock. I am so happy for her that her suffering is over but such a gap is left.  I cannot imagine the loss of a husband.  Hugs to you and may you find comfort and peace.
Posted: Friday, December 20, 2013 7:33 AM
Joined: 8/30/2012
Posts: 264

I am so sorry for your loss, and all the others that have posted recent losses on the thread.  such a difficult time.  I'm so glad you have such wonderful friends to help you through this.  They are truly a blessing.  Sending hugs and condolences.
Posted: Sunday, December 22, 2013 5:02 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 70

So addled am I that I thought today, a week later, that I should 'tell the message board" that my husband had died. To my surprise, I already wrote about it.  I truly did not remember doing that. 

He did "go quickly" in the sense that he was up on his feet less than w eek before his death. but two doctors saw him that week and both of them recognized he was near the end.  You all know that they leave us bit by bit, and he had not known my name for many months, so in a sense I  have missed him for two or three years as he gradually retreated into the disease.

Now I find I am having trouble remembering him in the old days; what his voice sounded like, what a normal day was like for us, a conversation, a trip together. I am looking at old pictures and trying to regain these memories. I think they will come back eventually. I am told they will.