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Still missing my mom
Posted: Monday, July 7, 2014 3:58 PM
Joined: 10/29/2012
Posts: 105

Hello everyone,  It has been a while since I have written on this board, but I do read the entries quite often.


My mother passed away on 7/26/13 and it is almost one year since she has been gone.  I sure do miss her.  I will go a few days doing pretty well, then I say to myself "I can't believe my best friend is gone."  If I drive by a place where we ate or where I took her to play bingo, I always cry.  I still have memories of how she used to want to come home everyday that I visited her and these memories are very haunting.


I see a grief counselor who I sure do enjoy talking to.  She gives me lots of hope and reminds me that I did the best I could at the time I placed her in assisted living.  I visit the assisted living occasionally and some of the care givers are still there that took care of my mom.  I look at the sofa where she sat everyday and my heart just sinks.  I often wonder what she thought about all day long while she was in assisted living.  The minute I would walk in the door to visit her (every day) she'd say "Sit down.  Stay for dinner."  Gosh.  I can't believe everything that happened.  Sometimes it seems that I made a wrong choice to leave her in assisted living, but what was I to do?  I worked full time and she'd sure call the police on me a lot to tell them I didn't something to our dog.  Of course the dog died of natural causes at the age of 18.


Thanks for listening.  I wish everyone the best.

Posted: Monday, July 7, 2014 4:35 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105

Hi Shirleywhirley:


It's a tough process this grief, but as much as it hurts, it's necessary and in the long run, it helps us.  It gives us time to quiet down, to think, to review, to accept, to adapt.  It takes a long time to be somewhat able to live with the loss.  The sadness never goes away, it keeps coming up at times.  There are the triggers, the memories, something reminds you and the hurt and loss become fresh again.  Then it subsides and starts the process again.


It takes a long while to get used to something like this, to miss someone who you shared so much history and time with.


My dad died two years ago and it still feels fresh to me at times.  I'll be okay for awhile, but a holiday comes up or I'll hear a song, or something that reminds me of him, and the wave of sadness comes.  Then it goes away.  I think this is just the way it is.  It's not something we get over, it's something we get on with and make room for in our hearts with everything else.


Many of my memories are the last days of my dad's life, not the best of times and I really think those times are very traumatic for us.  I'm glad you are seeing a grief counselor, I do feel that is very helpful.  We put so much on ourselves and expect ourselves to have been perfect.  We accept so much guilt for something we did not create.  I think we need guidance through those feelings and I'm glad you are doing that.


Those thoughts about my dad's last days are not coming as frequently as they used to, I think it settles down after a while, when we can see things more clearly and realize we did as much as possibly humanly could do.  We simply did our best and that's all that could have been done.  You take care.


Jo C.
Posted: Tuesday, July 8, 2014 12:11 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 11999

Hello dear Shirley, it is wonderful to hear your "voice" again.  I understand what you are saying.  It takes quite awhile to process and work through such a loss, but I can tell you the rawness of the pain does leave. 


I still miss her of course.  Once in awhile, I have moments of poignancy, but they are fleeting.  Still in my heart and in my thoughts, but in a gentler way. 


How very wise of you to find a good professional to talk to and work things through with, that will help keep you in good stead.


Some days I wish I could go turn back the clock, but that is just one of those silly little flashes of wishing.    Yet . . . .


I hope all is well with your health and that you are finding ways of finding yourself once again.


With  a soft hug from an old friend,



Posted: Tuesday, July 8, 2014 7:23 AM
Joined: 12/2/2011
Posts: 726

KML wrote:  

 "It gives us time to quiet down, to think, to review, to accept, to adapt."

So nicely put, KML. I found myself going over all the things that I did for my parents before they died. Did I do the right thing? What could I have done differently? I think that you are right -- I needed to review it all in order to accept it. It has been 2 years now and I think I am adapting.

Shirleywhirley -- It is a process. Not an easy one, but one that has a purpose. Please be gentle with yourself. Your mother was lucky to have you. Sending hugs from afar.

Posted: Wednesday, July 9, 2014 1:12 PM
Joined: 10/29/2012
Posts: 105

As always thank you for listening and sending me such comfort.  Reading replies from all of you really does comfort me. 


Yes, I rehash all that happened in my mom's last years and wished I could have changed some of the things I did, but like some said to me on this board a long time ago..."I did the best I could with what was handed to me at that time."


It is so wonderful to catch up with all of you.


Much love to everyone!!

Posted: Thursday, July 10, 2014 7:45 AM
Joined: 2/21/2012
Posts: 44

Hi, ShirleyWhirley -

 I understand your grief, my mom passed away on September 6, 2012, this September will be her two year anniversary in heaven.  I was a caretaker to my mom too, first a long distance caretaker because she lived in Queens and I live 1 1/2 hours away.  So, I drove down there every other weekend and had to get her a home health aid because I also work full time.  Working and being a caretaker is like having two full time jobs.  I also had to place my mom into a nursing home - it was a very good nursing home but it was the most difficult day of my life to take her out of her home with her husband and drive her to the nursing home near my home.  Her husband was physically ill with COPD and was on oxygen and he could not take care of her properly.  One day she wandered out into the hallway and could not remember why she went outside the apartment.  I knew then it was time to intervene.  I cried for three months every day and visited her every day for three months when I first placed her there.  I would go there on my way home from work.  She would run down the hallway with her arms stretched out like a small child and run to me saying "my daughter is here, my daughter is here with a big smile on her face.  I was the only caretaker because my half sister lives in Las Vegas and is mentally ill, I have no other surviving sisters or brothers so it was me and me alone with all of the caretaker stress and strain.  We were very close, I spent every holiday with her, every birthday, in fact just this morning I was looking at videos on my cell phone and found her 89th birthday party at the nursing home and she had a big cake, presents, cupcakes, and decorations all over her table in the cafeteria.  She was happy.  I know it is so difficult the first year, the first Holiday without her, the first birthday without her, every moment the pain is there just ready to pop out at a moments notice.  But remember, you did all you could for her and had to make very difficult decisions for her but you did the right thing.  Now that almost two years has passed I have finally come to peace with my mother's passing.  I think of her now as an "angel" in heaven watching over me from above along with my brother and my step-father who also passed away about one year before my mother.  It always hurts to lose the person who gave birth to us and cared for us but always remember that you loved her and did your best.  It will get easier as time passes by.  Regards, Foxy Girl

Posted: Thursday, July 10, 2014 12:12 PM
Joined: 10/29/2012
Posts: 105

HI Millie 263.  I love your message to me.  It sure does hurt when you visit a mother in assisted living.  I also visited my mom every single day either during my lunch hour or after work.  Many times I had to turn my head away from her so she could not see the tears running down my face.  She'd ask every day when was she coming home.  I'd tell her, "Well, we'll see what happens tomorrow."  Sometimes I'd tell her that I was maybe going to retire in a few months and then I could take her home and be with her all day.  Many times I'd make a zillion phone calls to care giving agencies to try to figure out a way for a care giver to come to our home to be with her while I was at work.  But the cost was about twice as much as assisted living and I would not get any real respite because my mother was very feisty and I knew she would always be giving me problems.


I still wished she could have come home, but all I had to do was look at my journal notes from months past and read the entries about her going to the neighbors to tell them to call the police.  Then the police would come to our home and she'd tell them that I did something to our family dog, like probably killed him.  Our dog actually died in 2012 of natural causes - he was 18 years old.


Thanks for listening Millie 263.  I wish you much peace.

Posted: Friday, July 11, 2014 8:05 AM
Joined: 2/21/2012
Posts: 44

shirleywhirley - am glad you liked my post.  I also keep a journal and when I read those pages from long ago, I realize how difficult it really is to take care of an Alzheimer's parent.  This Sunday my mom would have been 91 years old.  I am going to church to light a candle for her on her birthday in heaven. 



Posted: Friday, July 11, 2014 9:08 AM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433

Hi shirleywhirley,


Good to see you! I don't come here as often as I used to. I guess it's a part of moving on. But I do stop in and check on everybody from time to time.


June 22 was the 2 year anniversary of losing my Mom. I am dealing with her loss much better than in the beginning. I still go to her grave about once a week to once every two weeks. I did go that day to spend some time alone with her. I miss her so much. I miss her more and more every day. My Dad has started seeing a "lady friend". I am having a really hard time with that. I know he has a right to move on but I am not dealing with it very well. I will be cordial to her and I will accept the fact that he is seeing her, but I know I will never like it.


So much has happened since I lost Mom. So much that I normally would have called her or gone over and sat with a cup of coffee and talked over with her. My oldest daughter graduated from high school. She's now talking about moving in with her boyfriend! Yikes! How would I have told Mom THAT?! My youngest has had surgery to remove a cyst on her breast (at age 14) and is now dealing with fractures in her L5 vertebrae from years of soccer. My daughters were adopted at birth and last year my oldest found her birthmom on Facebook. And have since met and started a realationship. And both my girls have the BEST boyfriends!!! Mom would have LOVED them!!! SO much that I have NEEDED to talk to Mom about!! Life is SO unfair sometimes. It seems like she was taken from me just when I needed her the most. But I have talked to her about all of these things during my weekly visits. I just wish she could give me her wonderful words of wisdom. Mom had a way with words. She knew exactly what to say, how to say it and when to say it for every situation. She knew how to handle everything!! I miss that SO much!!!


Well, it was good hearing from you, shirleywhirley. I wish you the best. Hugs to you!!





Posted: Friday, July 11, 2014 9:36 AM
Joined: 10/29/2012
Posts: 105

Thanks Oceanbum.  Yes, I wished I could talk to my in person.  I do pray to her often and ask her what I should do in a situation.  I ask for a sign from her on which way to turn.  It seems like I usually get an answer.  Or someone in a store will "Out of the blue" start talking to me in such a kind way about something.  It astounds me when this happens.  Usually what they tell me is sometime that I have or am experiencing in my life.  Quite unusual I must say!!


Hope you have peace and much love to you.

Posted: Friday, July 11, 2014 9:55 AM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433

I do the same thing. I ask Mom for a sign that I am doing something right or the right thing. But once I was talking to my husband and I told him I just wished I had told Mom just how much I appreciated everything she had done for me. That night I dreamed I was in the house I grew up in sitting in a recliner, sideways like I did when I was a teenager. Mom opened the front door like she was getting home from work, walked up to me, kissed me on the forehead, said "I love you" and walked on in the house. I knew from that dream that Mom was sending me a sign to tell me she knew how much I appreciated her. And letting me know she loved me and knew that I loved her.


Then right after my oldest daughter had found her birthmom on Facebook I had a dream of Mom standing in a hallway. I didn't know this place or why she was standing in this place. It wasn't until we went to her birthmom's house to meet her that I understood the dream. It was her house!!! I was shocked when I walked down that hallway to go to the bathroom!!! I thought to myself ~ this is it!! Mom was telling me she would be with us!!!


It's good to know she is with me ~ and still taking care of me!!

Posted: Sunday, July 13, 2014 12:01 PM
Joined: 10/29/2012
Posts: 105

Very cool!!  Thanks for your reply.