RSS Feed Print
1 month tomorow
Leland
Posted: Monday, August 3, 2015 8:14 PM
Joined: 3/19/2013
Posts: 314


My beautiful Joyce will be gone one month tomorrow, My sorrow and loneliness are very raw, I felt that i would be prepared for this but it's long from being true.

The times I prayed for god to end her suffering during the last 3 years of her 8 year battle has come true and her not being her with me has hit me like a freight train. I long to hold her in my arms and feel her close to me and take care of her I sometimes wish that I hadn't prayed for her to have some peace, selfish I know.

I haven't been able to do anything with her clothes and memento's and I cry often when I look at all the pictures around the house. I keep busy during most days going to the gym, playing some Golf and a dinner now and then with friends, most of the family doesn't live close by so I have a lot of hours alone in the evenings which are really tough.

I thought that once she was no longer suffering I would feel better but after spending the last 3 years taking care of her 24/7 I have come to feel that caregivers are more susceptible to grief as we become ever closer to the ones we love so much.

I'm going to the therapist on Wednesday to get some help and continue the healing process. I often wish that I had gone first and then I think how could I do that to her.

Be well my friends

Leland

Sea Field
Posted: Monday, August 3, 2015 9:41 PM
Joined: 8/5/2012
Posts: 1872


It's funny how we mark time. We all do it. Three weeks, 5 months, 2 years, ... THE DATE indelibly carved onto our hearts.

One month of raw grief for you. I too didn't think I would grieve so hard. After all, I had over 8 years experience saying good-bye to him. And yet. I suspect you are right. The very act of caring for them for so long caused us to become even closer. Tending to their needs, comforting them, learning to be with them in a very new way.

And then it's over. And now we must weave the ragged edges of our hearts back into our being.

It's been a rough week here too. Back to crying multiple times a day. All part and parcel of early grieving. Or so I hear. My countdown is 3 and a half months.

Hoping tomorrow is a gentle day for you. And for us all.

Cynthia


Mulelady
Posted: Tuesday, August 4, 2015 10:27 AM
Joined: 7/21/2014
Posts: 1164


Leland and Cynthia,

I am nearing the 11 month mark of my loss. It seems we all react in the same way, so it must be "normal".
I find that time does help, but I still have tears come uncontrolled at least once a day. Sometimes all day. I believe I am not just mourning the man that I loved and cared for 45 1/2 years, but the life that I feel so cheated out of. We were supposed to do together, all these things that I am now free to do.
The loneliness, for me, seems to get worse with time. At first, I was in shock and so tired from the stress and toil of caregiving that I didn't mind being alone, in fact I found it comforting. Now, I am just lonely. My son lives fairly close, but is also dealing with the loss of his 14 year old daughter to suicide. My daughter lives in Seattle, a 12 hour drive.
I feel guilty that I have been flirting with the idea of a date.
A gentleman I have known for many years has been very attentive, I know he is interested but holding back as he doesn't want to push me. He is a horseman and lives the same kind of life my husband and I did. It would be nice to have someone to spend time, chat, and laugh with. But.....
I hope that each of you in some small way can ease the pain of loss. It is a mortal wound that takes time to heal, and I fear the scar will always be painful. Leanne

writervicki
Posted: Tuesday, August 4, 2015 2:56 PM
Joined: 7/26/2015
Posts: 26


Lost my Mom 5 years ago now, and I feel like Leanne. I'm grieving more now than when she died, but I think that's because I was so relieved that she wasn't suffering anymore that it's taken me a long time to actually start missing her. I just wanted her to not be going through it anymore. But now I look back and regret those times when I didn't appreciate having her with me more. Hug her more. Tell her more how very much I loved her. I know she knew that, but the words need to be said. And I don't feel I said them enough. I know that it's normal to have regrets and I try to focus on the good things we shared. On the laughter and the joy.

My heart and prayers go out to all of you during your grieving. Just know that you're not alone.

surfergirl
Posted: Saturday, August 8, 2015 10:36 PM
Joined: 1/23/2012
Posts: 781


Hi Leland.

Since my guy took his freedom on independence day , our loved ones left pretty close to one anothere as I remember, They loved us and they I know would want us to heal, toltally be well, my friend .

love to you Surergirl


surfergirl
Posted: Saturday, August 8, 2015 10:45 PM
Joined: 1/23/2012
Posts: 781


Hi Leland,

Tottaly misspellling happens when you're , freeking drunk as I am now , Hoping you are handling this better then me. I tottally get you and me. Loosing the most important person of our lives just totally sucks.

Hugs and all that crap whatever

Surfwrgirl


Mrs. Braxton
Posted: Sunday, August 9, 2015 1:25 AM
Joined: 9/12/2012
Posts: 929


Leland and Surfergirl,
I am up to 7 weeks without my love. It is awful for me each day. He is my soulmate and I miss him. I keep thinking surely this is not true and I am dreaming.
Only it is true and we go on, barely each day.
I am sorry for each of you and myself. I know that my love is in a good place and I know I will see
him again.
I just miss seeing his face and holding his hand each day. I can't image that life goes on, and yet it does.

love and hugs,
Angela