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Watching mom die
gsoyars
Posted: Wednesday, December 9, 2015 6:05 AM
Joined: 11/8/2015
Posts: 30


This is so hard. I called in hospice last week. Mom hasn't had food for 10 days. Very little water. Bedridden for 6 days. On morphine for 3 days. And she's still holding on. She's expressed the desire to die for so many years and now she won't let go. My heart is breaking for her.
300sun
Posted: Wednesday, December 9, 2015 10:06 AM
Joined: 2/20/2014
Posts: 294


I am so sorry for this transition. 

I'm sure you know what to do. Talking to her and touch are important. Call Hospice with any questions or changes in her condition or appearance.

My Mother was on Hospice when she passed away. That last day I was on the phone many times with them. 

This was after the Nurse came out to assess and tell us Mom had less than 24 hours to live. When her breathing changed she passed 20 minutes later.

When the Nurse came out after Mom passed, Nurse and I cleaned her up and dressed her. It's called post mortem care. I also put makeup on her and brushed her hair, as she would have wanted.

The Nurse will do the post mortem care and you DON'T have to help them.

Please take care.

Patrick

 

 

 

 


Oceanbum
Posted: Wednesday, December 9, 2015 11:06 AM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433


I'm so sorry. This is a very difficult time.

Yes, I agree. Talk and touch are most important during this time. But she will be the one ultimately to choose when it's her time to go. When my Mom passed my brothers, my Dad and I had been at the nursing home with her round the clock never leaving her side. The day she passed, my aunt had told me and my oldest brother that we HAD to go home and get some rest. We had been there for 3 days taking turns napping in the recliner. So we decided to run home and get a quick nap and a shower. While we were gone my youngest brother briefly stepped out of the room. That was the moment Mom took her last breath. She waited until none of her children were in the room to witness her death. My Dad was there holding her hand but none of her children. I think that's the way she wanted it. She always took care of us and that was the one last thing she could do for us to make sure we would be ok with her passing. That's why I say - ultimately it will be her choice when she will go.

Please take care of yourself during this time. Try to get some rest over the days ahead. I know it's not easy but you need to stay strong. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you. 

Hugs to you.  


Lesley Jean
Posted: Thursday, December 10, 2015 9:06 PM
Joined: 2/13/2013
Posts: 2965


I has got to be so difficult for you. My prayers are for you. Tell her it is ok for her to let go. My dad held on until my sister and I told him we would take care of our mother. Then he went peacefully. I laid down next to Jerry and told him it was ok. I would be ok without him and he had suffered enough. I told him I couldn't stand seeing him suffer any more. He was gone within the hour. Probably, closer to 15 mins, but time that night was so off. 

Take care of yourself. Hugs and prayers,

LJ


gsoyars
Posted: Monday, December 14, 2015 8:34 PM
Joined: 11/8/2015
Posts: 30


Mom's finally at rest.  It was a very difficult 2 weeks, especially the last 48 hours.  I'm afraid I'll be haunted by the images of her last days for a while.  It wasn't peaceful at all in spite of hospice, xanax, haldol, and morphine.  But honestly, I'm so relieved it's over. The past 2 years caring for mom has been surreal. Some good times, some gut-wrenching, some very fulfilling. Before mom's dementia,  she clearly always said, "when I die, don't be sad because I had a good life. " I just wish she could have gone out on a good note instead of the horrible life-sucking decline she had to endure.
300sun
Posted: Monday, December 14, 2015 10:14 PM
Joined: 2/20/2014
Posts: 294


I'm so sorry for your loss.

I promise the horrifying part of her passing will become less palpable, and you will think of it less. 

My mother passed in August and there was a long period of time on her last day that was just awful. I cleared everybody out of the room, because it was BAD. I  called Hospice. The advice I got wasn't what I needed to hear. Then I called my sister who is an ER Nurse. She could graphically tell me how to handle the problem as she has dealt with it in ER.

Her last 20 minutes were less eventful then she passed.

I've only discussed the horror with my sister, not even my spouse.

I PROMISE, you will start thinking of good memories as you go through the grieving process. I'm 4 months out and I'm not reliving the awful part.

It takes time.

I'm so glad you posted and I so wish our loved ones would easily pass, but it doesn't always happen. 

This forum has helped me since my mother died, I highly recommend letting us know how you are doing, vent to us, cry. We're here for you.


gsoyars
Posted: Tuesday, December 15, 2015 8:22 AM
Joined: 11/8/2015
Posts: 30


300sun, thank you for your post.  I'm sorry you, I, and our loved ones ever have to endure something like this. I've  read about peaceful passings, and I'm thankful for them, but I can't see why hospice can't be allowed to/ be prepared to do something and act quickly when the opposite happens.  I so want the laws to change and change quickly. I'm starting to advocate for that.
Oceanbum
Posted: Tuesday, December 15, 2015 12:11 PM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433


I'm so sorry for your loss. As difficult as it is, on some level it is a relief. I was relieved that my loved ones were finally released from the pain and suffering they were enduring their last days here. My Mom had gone thru so much her last several years and my Dad the last few weeks. It was heartbreaking to lose them but I knew that they were finally free of the pain and suffering of this world, never again to endure it. Mom has been gone 3 1/2 years now and Dad has been gone for just over a year. When I feel that great loss, and I still do, I try not to think about what I have lost. I try to think of my favorite quote. "Mourn not for that which you have lost; rejoice instead that you had it."

Take the time you need to grieve. Grieving is a slow process. Not everybody grieves in the same way nor in the same time. Don't let anybody tell you how you should be feeling or what you should be doing. Only you will know that.

Be gentle with yourself. Take the time that you need to grieve. I wish you peace. Hugs to you.
julie22
Posted: Wednesday, December 16, 2015 4:06 PM
Joined: 6/6/2012
Posts: 2


I watched my mom pass and I cannot get the vision out of my head ever-I so wish I was not there for that but I barely ever left her side--just really wonder how you were able to move past that and just focus on the good memories-and am so happy for you.

I miss her so much!  I am also sorry for your loss!


pigfish
Posted: Wednesday, December 16, 2015 8:01 PM
Joined: 12/14/2015
Posts: 4


I am so sorry for your loss. My mom just passed away 6 weeks ago and my brother and I were there at the end. I still have that vision in my head even though it was peaceful it was so hard to watch. I miss her terribly. I am now trying to get passed the feelings of being haunted by how they must suffer from the time they know that something is wrong to the time that they can no longer process that info.
dottie sue
Posted: Tuesday, December 22, 2015 4:40 PM
Joined: 12/21/2015
Posts: 9


I was traumatized by my mom's death. I try to remember the good times but when I go back that day that she died, I just sit and remember . I don't run away from it, although it was so painful. I still hear the clock ticking in her hospice room. So unbelievably sad.
bela
Posted: Monday, February 1, 2016 4:17 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4122


Oh, Dottie, Sue, I know I'm late but my heart aches for what you were traumatized by- how are you doing?
bela
Posted: Monday, February 1, 2016 4:20 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4122


 gsoyars  I'm on board with you for preparing when matters of death are not peaceful.  Let's make a team together.


Bela


bela
Posted: Monday, February 1, 2016 4:23 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4122


I will share my experience later- 

What we can teach hospice is on my list see my earlier post.