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vulnerable
blfbrat
Posted: Tuesday, January 12, 2016 9:09 AM
Joined: 2/15/2014
Posts: 168


I have always been independent,  I raised my children mostly alone, but now with Jerry gone, I feel my safety blanket is gone.  I rarely wore a coat, now I wear it all the time,  I am hanging on to stair rails all the time.  I don't venture out after dark, alone.  I hear sounds in the house, sleep with the alarm button to call the police.  I don't make too many decisions.  I have never felt like this before.  I worry about money, I could always ask him for money.  I worry am I making the right decisions about insurances.  He has been ill for 15 years, but he was mentally good until the last two or three years.  But I did not feel vunerable, even though I was doing everything I am now.  I am worried the car will break,  an appliance will break,  Where did the confident, and independent woman go, and will she return.
jfkoc
Posted: Wednesday, January 13, 2016 8:15 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 19622


I know what you are talking about...not certain I feel vulnerable but certainly not capable and definitely wounded...broken. I do not want to die but living with out my husband does not seem very important...sigh
jwn
Posted: Saturday, January 16, 2016 1:50 AM
Joined: 9/4/2014
Posts: 418


If I might add to this, I was always the bread winner, made just about every decision in the end because she could not, been very independent since I was 12_13 years old, my mom had to work eighteen hours a day to survive so us kids did what we needed to do.

Now that my sweet Gerda's gone I can't seem to get out of bed, make decisions,I feel lost and its been over eight months, my friend in Iowa lost her H years ago and she feels the same, at night it is so lonely but when morning comes I still have a hard time getting out of bed.

My daughter and grandkid still lives with me but I wish they would move out.I just want to run and hide some place. Sorry I'm so negative just can't get it together.

I volunteered some but I didn't even feel I was there, just blank.I don't get out much,three times in the last month I went out of the house , no food had to go.out.


jfkoc
Posted: Saturday, January 16, 2016 11:58 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 19622


I was nit the breadwinner but I did everything but that. I think perhaps because we were caregivers we get a double whammy. The grief over the death of a loved one and then the void in out lives...we lost our jobs. Now I do not know what I am going to do with my time nor do I particularly want to do anything. It is just a big hole.

Treading water is really the best I can manage. Sometimes I want to scream at others "leave me alone". No I do not want to go out for any meal, anywhere. AND I am not going to try to explain something that someday you will, at least in part, understand. AND just because I am not weeping 24/7 for others to witness does not mean that any part of me is OK.

I guess I am hollow for now.