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Odd anger reaction??
His Daughter
Posted: Friday, January 22, 2016 8:59 PM
Joined: 6/25/2014
Posts: 2270


Ok, I thought I had all my poop in a group.  I dealt with the MIA siblings, accepted my journey with dad as an only child.   

So what's up?  Oddly,  I am kind of angry at my parents, just a little.  Ok, anger isn't the right word, I just am a little unhappy that they did this exact three way split on their will.  I know that my dad didn't know what was coming.  But now that it is all over, I sit back and realize how much my MIA sibs are going to benefit from nothing other than DNA.   Why would my parents do that?  Why would they do that to  ME?  They both knew who would help them someday, they knew who would be there for them, love them, care for them.   

Now Dad didn't know this disease was coming.  He didn't know that I would sell my business to care for him, he didn't know that I would financially lose on this deal.  And I honestly know that's not what he would have wanted for me.   BUT THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.  

Am I strange, or do others feel this way?  Are there any safe guards I can put in my will that will prevent this from happening to my kids, if I get this disease someday?  Because if this happens to me, and just one of my three step up to help me, I want that child financially rewarded for their love and help.    Or at the very least, not to lose on the deal.  

Sorry if this sounds selfish.  But this disease did financially impact my life, where as it didn't change a thing for my MIA siblings.   Anyone else feel this way?


300sun
Posted: Saturday, January 23, 2016 10:56 AM
Joined: 2/20/2014
Posts: 294


Understandable. 


I would put it out for the MIA's what the financial impact was. Ask them for % of their share. It's worth a shot. 
 
I liquidated my retirement funds to take care of Mom (dumb move). I explained to my siblings the modest life insurance policy would go to me. They were in agreement and grateful for the care DH and I gave Mom.

You may find understanding and willingness to share if you lay it all out for the siblings.

 

 

 


Jo C.
Posted: Saturday, January 23, 2016 1:22 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 11564


My take on this was different.  Despite my being a strong person, there was no anger reaction for me.   I freely made the personal choice to do what I did for my mother and step-dad, both with dementia, and tried to do all at home right to the end.   That worked for my step-dad, but not for my poor mother.

We spent a lot of our own assets doing what we did over those years; not one of the other siblings stepped forward by request or by choice either to do anything for the parents, nor were any of them willing to assist financially.   A bit of occasional irritation, but no severe anger which would only diminish me and not them, so why take that tack?  I simply let go and let be.  That was my feeling for myself.

My choice was to continue to move forward on my own and I had to lose the ability to accept contracts for my business was just that; my personal choice.  It is what it is.   No one owed me anything, least of all the parents.  I could have taken a different approach to their care, but I personally, on my own, chose not to.

When both parents died, we had Medicaid payback for the time my mother was with a NH toward the end of life.   It was up to me to get all financial papers in order (I also managed all the finances), and I had to ready, and market and sell their house which was no small thing with MUCH work attached; days and days and days into weeks.  Exhausting.

This I did.   No rancor, no anger, no feelings of being short-changed.  As said; it was my free choice to make or not make.  In the end, after realtor and processing costs, and recovery by Medicaid, what was left of the estate was to be equally divided four ways to each of the adult children as per the Trust and Will.   This, as their Executor, I did.   No harm, no foul, no anger or feeling put upon.  It is what it is.  The parents set it up the way they wished to set inheritance up; equally divided four ways to their four children no matter what.

If one wishes their own Will or Trust to reflect this or that depending on what a person puts into efforts for caring for a parent, then one would need to speak to their attorney to get it all set into place within the Trust and/or Will right up front.   Legal advice is best.

Just one person's experience.

J.

 


300sun
Posted: Saturday, January 23, 2016 2:36 PM
Joined: 2/20/2014
Posts: 294


One other consideration, the anger could be part of the grieving process. 

A lot of  feelings, anger, hurt and pain were stirred up in the first couple of months after Mom died. It was surprising how upset I got over current and past events. This eased up when I acknowledged what was happening and worked through the feelings. 

I'm bemused by caregivers who financially can afford to care for their LO's. They don't seem to understand the strains others have who are not well off. I've seen posts where ppl are hostile that caregiving should not be compensated. It should be a gift or act of love. Not always possible to keep our LO's at home if there is no income. Love doesn't pay the bills.


His Daughter
Posted: Sunday, January 24, 2016 12:07 AM
Joined: 6/25/2014
Posts: 2270


Thanks Sun and Jo C.  

Sun:  Oddly, I came to that same thought today about this being a grief reaction.  We all know that anger is a part of grief.   So that might have something to do with it.   But as far as putting it out there with my siblings, honestly there's no way.  Both of these people are the most self centered people you'd ever want to meet.  Any thoughts of them being big about this, or understanding someone's else legitimate concerns is simply insane.  I've known these people for 58 years, trust me it won't happen.

Jo C.  I honestly have always felt very much like you did.  I didn't do this with and for Dad because I expected something.  I did it because I wanted to.  And if I had to do it again, I'd still make the same choice to step up.  He certainly deserved my love and care.  But boy, you sound so much better at accepting things that I am right now.  I was angry for at least two years, that Dad was so sick and my MIA sibs didn't seem to give two hoots.  Maybe it's too soon after his death, and also just had the lovely experience of my brother and sister walking in dad's house and (as always) expecting and demanding "things".  (Holy heck, my brother hadn't come to see Dad one time in four years)  So yeah, I find this type of ENTITLED behavior just completely out of line.  It just sticks in my ribs and makes me sick. Now all they care about is what they get.  

Don't know how some people live with themselves.  And darn glad I don't have to.  Sad part is, the one person I really respected, loved and cared about, is the one person I just lost.  

 


Jo C.
Posted: Sunday, January 24, 2016 9:10 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 11564


It is very hard to come to the sudden realization that sibs are not going to step up or even forward or even visit when they live nearby; I had thought better of them.  What a shock.  Sibs had time, they were all well-fixed, and all educated.  The lack of common sense or compassion and empathy for a beloved parent, that seems to be zero sum.

The family had been a good middle class family; lots of  holidays and shared dinners and so much more good history.  The extended family; my mothers four sisters and brother, were much about behaving properly and always worried about what others would think.  Relatives and mother's friends chose to not visit or call such as adult grandchildren and friends and neighbors who lived nearby.  The adult grandkids had been so close to their grandparents who had been so interactive and kind with/to them and they stayed at the grandparents house quite a lot.   My mother's four sisters who lived out of state used to send cards and make calls and Mom to them; all of that stopped.  Kind of takes one's breath away.   I kept communications open and tried to keep things going, but it was not to be.

Initially yes, it did make me feel angry; I was so surprised and irritated at the distancing and the lack of human kindness.  I was deeply touched and filled with gratitude for a loving husband who stepped up to assist me with so much; he was my champion and always there when in a pinch and even when not in a pinch.  He gave me the wind for my sails.

If I had not been there, my step-dad would have had no doctor's visits and certainly no monitoring of his medical issues separate from his dementia or managing anything about him and his care; not even his clothing.   His adult kids lived only 20 minutes away, but they were simply not present.   When initially in the parent's journey I was still working fulltime, I was fortunate to be salaried and in an administrative position that permitted me to take time off my work to take both Mom and Step-dad to their many doctor's appointments and on top of that I monitored their care, managed their finances and managed their house and their aide care and day to day everything else and kept my hands on and did a lot of it myself.  However; I still had business to manage, so I worked many a late night and off days getting everything taken care of while juggling the parent's care; they came first.  I did not feel put upon, it just was what it was at that time.  All of us caregivers have had this on our plates to one degree or another.

I tried everything with the sibs, grandkids and Mom's sisters to have them be in touch with her; I communicated well, tried all and sundry to no avail on behalf of the folks. I felt steam coming out of my ears sometimes during those early days; I just could not get it that there was no caring or even contact.

Then I had an epiphany.   Who was any anger or ire hurting?  Certainly not the sibs or others who were not at all connected; the only one who was getting their guts in an uproar was me . . . . that was not smart.  So; I simply chose to let go and set that huge burden down off my shoulders and walk away from it.  I was SO much better off for doing that.

I think what defined the worst of it was in regard to my mother's 89th birthday.   She was pretty well compromised but still loved cards which by now no one bothered to send; not even all her close friends who also had drifted away.   I tred to have little teas or lemonade and cookies on the patio during good weather with me present to help things along, but everyone made excuses not to be there.

So anyway; the birthday was coming.   I emailed and called the various relatives and let them know a few weeks before Mom's birthday when it was and how much she would enjoy cards; she was not well enought to sustain a party.   Then a week prior to her birthday, I lightly and nicely reminded folks again.   Then I waited for her cards to come . . . . her other adult kids; her sisters; her grandkids; her brother; her friends . . . . .

Not a single card came; not a one!  I was rather horrified and my heart broke on her behalf.   So, I went to Hallmark and bought a large number of cards and went home and addressed them to her, signing them with the names of the others.    She was SO happy to get her cards, she smiled and smiled and looked at them again and again, enjoying the colors and designs and who sent them.  It was well worth doing to see her smiles.   All's well that ends well on that one.

There are a few folks here on the Message Board who have quite a lot of assets and they can afford so much and that takes a lot of pressure off of the top of everything.  We did not have that luxury.   When the folks both passed, their main asset was their house that had to be sold; after reconciling a whopping sum with Medicaid, what was left was equally divided up amongst the four adult children.

In final analysis, I was glad I chose not to hurl accusations or set up severe contentious relationships with anyone during the course of the dementia journeys.   It is now past, and all the relatives still live.  I do not go to the aunt's family gatherings every two years that are out of state.  There is no connection, but I am polite and that is that.   My brother and I are okay.   For that I am glad as none of us are getting younger, and while we are not bonded at the hip, it is still good that those doors are open and we talk.   I never bring up anything about those days, but he will every now and then mention how much I did, etc.  I let it go.

I was blessed to be with my mother when she passed and am thankful for that.  After the death, I put together a beautiful Memorial Service for my mother followed by a luncheon in the church hall.   The aunts did not fly out for which I was grateful; I did not want to have to entertain those "ladies."   All of the others came; the siblings, the step-sibs, the grandchildren, the "friends," and neighbors.   The service was extraordinarily beautiful with the music and soloists, there was a picture presentation on a large screen of my mother's life with lovely music which was done really well.   It was a tribute for my mother, to my mother's life and therefore, I let it be that.   No rancor or bitterness at the service.   No blaming others for their not being there when it counted and now showing up after the fact.

 Whatever their motives were are theirs; if they have any guilt whatsoever, I do not know; that is between them and themselves.  I am intact and that is good.  I still look back and wish I had done some things better or had been much wiser in those earlier days, but that is simply human nature.   We all mourn and process our grief differently; anger can be part of that as well as feeling regret even if it is not deserved.  We have done the best we could under the circumstances with the challenges as they were.   Most of all; we loved them. 

Letting go was the most difficult lesson I had to learn, but was the most valuable lesson and it has stayed with me; hopefully it will continue to do so.

Be good to yourself; this has been a long and ardous journey with so much involved both at the practical level and the heart level.  You did your very best and your beloved father had a wonderful quality brought to his life at a time that most people would not.   Blessings all around.

J.


jfkoc
Posted: Sunday, January 24, 2016 11:13 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 19550


Hello...duh me...I have this too.

My husband had 4 children. The one who stopped cold turkey communicating with us found out that Dick was on hospice and called her brother. He called and I told him yes, it was true. He then said that he and his wife had been talking about making a visit to OK. I told him that unfortunately his father did not want to see anyone. I said that what would be good was a chatty letter. I called his sister who could not believe that she could not swoop in. I told her about the chatty letter too. So father's day comes and goes. Most of summer comes and goes. a letter arrives from the son who hopes everything is well and asking to hear about all we have been doing. Yes, it did end that way.

Youngest child lives 3 hours away and was back and forth as much as she was able. She was with me and her father when he died.

I have found some loving letters that the estranged daughter sent and that Dick kept next to him in his desk drawer. I am sending them back to her. I will include a letter from me and I will be telling her how her behavior hurt her father....how it hurt me too.

The son, who has called and did think of me during the holidays, I will ask to come down to go through his father's Navy things. The swooping daughter...don't know yet., I will not tell her not to come but...Their 1/2 sister will be here anytime one of the older ones is here.

I will not be nasty, I will weigh my words and actions but I will allow my feelings.


bela
Posted: Sunday, January 24, 2016 9:42 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4120


His daughter,

I'm dealing with some stuff but won't go into it right now but a few thoughts about protecting your kids.

Your will can be written with specifics and "conditions."

For example, my mom wrote if anyone contests my wishes they will get nothing.zero. No one contested and there were no assets anyway-

One idea: If any of my children become my caretaker and devote XXX amount of time per week, per month will recceive XXX percentage of my liquid and non liquid assets at death and/or immediately to aid them in not having financial difficulties???

I frankly don't believe even an elder law attorney could imagine all the stipulation that would need to be spelled out as no one but us former caregivers knows the extent to which we sacrificed.therefore I think you should continue to seek our ideas, then present them to your attorney when you draw up your will= he/she of course will know the legal format and legalities of said stipulations and might be able to make it better or more encompassing or even more specific or succinct legally

but let's start with us....I'm right behind you in making such will and will-specifications

One thing that also comes to mind is that the child have immediate access to some liquid assets (cash) to get set up to care for you/us...how to achieve that end, I don't know...it might be in a  special needs trust

It is not recommended to have kids share POA BUT YOU AN MAKE ONE OF THEM #1, THE NEXT CHILD #2 AND SO ON; 

I was moms 1st poa, if i was unable or could not act or did not want to act, next in line was sister, next BIl and next a bank (can't explain that now).  When mon drew up her will her grandsons were adults and I think we should have made them #4 and #5 respectively- that applies to a trust and trustee info.
Attention: use great caution with  irreovacble living trusts..they can never be altered or changed.  As I understood it this type of trust is good for the millionaires and billionaires who have plenty of cash to spread around Just do your research!!!!

His Daughter
Posted: Sunday, January 24, 2016 10:39 PM
Joined: 6/25/2014
Posts: 2270


As always thank you all.....

Jo C, No other way to say it, you are a saint in my eyes.  I knew that story of buying all the birthday cards, but I forget it was you.  I remember seeing that on a post when I first joined this forum and I've never forgotten it.  In fact your story made me cry.   It's always hard for me to believe that so many people can lack any form of compassion.  In many respects, that is at least a part of the definition and description of the personality disorder of a narcissist.   It's hard for me to believe we live in such a screwed up society, that this sort of behavior is accepted.  (?) Wow were did that GOLDEN rule go?  (And the sad part is, I'm not a religious woman!)  But I still believe in treating people in the way you also would like to be treated.   I'll find a way to do what I have to do with the division of assets, they will get their ENTITLED 1/3 share all based on DNA.  But the one thing I am looking forward to, is never seeing or talking to them again. It would be a cold day in hell, before I'd help either one of them.  They want my love and respect, then they have to earn it.   And then I'll go to the ends of this earth for you.  That's why I did what I did for my Dad.  he was a good man.     And Jo C, you're a saint.  But the best I can do is dismiss them as people.  

Jflok, I get it.  I also, will not deny my feelings.  I think it's part of my DNA.  I probably got it from Dad.  He didn't mince words with how he felt about things.  And again, people had to earn his respect.  I went to the donut shop to talk to Dad's friends.  And one of the things they mentioned to me, was that my dad thought the world of me.  What a compliment!   Sorry you had this with Dick's kids.  And I get it.

Bela, thanks.  And yes I am going to my attorney and I will be doing a specified will.  I simply will not allow inheritance based on nothing more than DNA.  It's that simple and I have already told all three of my kids that.  And certainly not after this experience.  I will not reward my child for bad dismissive behavior.  One of the things you said on a a post one time that was SO true, is that no one is busy all the time. And the I don't know what to do excuse?  They'd figure it out if it was their wife, child or even their dog.     Very logical and honest, Bela.  This IS a choice people make.  And this concept to accept their behavior, IMHO is bad for our society. 

Also Bela, you asked me in a post what my book is about.  I just started writing because I needed the emotional outlet for this experience with my Dad.  Oddly, what I have noticed is that every single topic I have written about, is found on this forum!  Everything.  All the things that were hard for me, are also often a part of other caregiver 's experience.  I never really did this to publish.  I was doing it for myself, and also thought maybe my kids or grandkids might be interested in reading it someday.  If nothing else, it was a historical description of the end of their grandfather's life.  But then a few people asked to read it, and said I really should try to publish, as it might help someone else.  I've been trying to finish the book.  Oh boy has that been hard!   I cry with every chapter.  And oddly, I am now realizing what a labor of love this has been.  To finish the final chapter, those final thought, it's almost yet another process of letting go of Dad.   If you're a reader, let me know.  I can probably shoot it to you in an email, if you're interested.                                                                           Also Bela, you were the person that directed me to the flag flown over Washington.  Did you ever see my post THE SPECIAL SERVICE FLAG?    I don't remember you writing back, so I thought you might not have seen it.   But again, thanks for that idea, it was lovely.  


bela
Posted: Monday, January 25, 2016 1:44 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4120


His daughter,

Without a doubt I would read your book- -Like you, I will cry reading each of your chapters as well as mine! The final chapter, oh what courage it will take to say it and feel it all over again.

Anger can be (not always) part of the grieving process...it is well documented tht many faith-based individuals have found themselves angry with God when a death occurs-unfairness also pops its ugly head.

I haven't written one chapter of a self written book but I've collected advice, med lists, tips etc to pull together to give to my closest friends in the event i develop the dreaded AD No one should have to jump through the hoops and fight the tangles of learning; the way we had to. I feel very proud of what I accomplished but I failed IMHO at the very end..its hard to come to terms with it- a story for another day-

Narcissist for sure; lacking compassion and empathy and rarely if ever hear an I am sorry..There is much written about this now for the lay person-more to report on that front too. Many many books now available on the subject.

I did miss the service flag post; if you still have it shoot it to me (of course I would have responded had I seen it) maybe it was when mom took her turn for the worst; my father would be so proud to know one was flown for him! ( I know how well you get that) and I know how proud your dear father must have felt- will do for mom too as the women of these men who served especially during war time, were a very big part of the war effort.  Many formerly house wives entered the work force (as my mom did) to build parts for equipment and much more-not to mention the nurses and....al the millions of others!

let me know when you see this so I can remove the email

Thanks His Daughter for being His Daughter and My Friend

 


His Daughter
Posted: Monday, January 25, 2016 8:34 AM
Joined: 6/25/2014
Posts: 2270


Bela...........got it.  Go ahead and remove!  The post is coming your way.

And thank you also, for being my friend!


KML
Posted: Wednesday, January 27, 2016 6:03 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


After my mom passed away and I was cleaning her room, I found her handwritten notes on my parents' wishes for their will.  It said that I was to get their home as my sibling didn't help them very much.  Those were my mom's words.  I tore up the paper and threw it away, knowing that it would hurt my sibling and cause discord.  We got along better in those days.

When my father developed AD, he would always say to me not to sell his home, he said he wanted the home to go to me and the savings to go to sibling.  It wasn't really a rational wish, his savings were dwindling down from his care costs.  I avoided these conversations with him, I would change the subject, their trust was in place and everything was divided evenly and I wasn't going to do anything to disrupt that.  I'm sure their lawyer spoke to them about dividing it up evenly between the two of us.  I never saw the trust until after my father past.  My sibling went looking for a copy once when my dad was away.  She didn't show it to me, maybe she was worried about it, I didn't care about it.

Sibling didn't always offer much help to my father and often I was left alone to do the hard stuff.  My parent's home was sold a few months ago, everything divided evenly.  I'm just now going through the boxes of things and again, I've come across another handwritten note from my mom, saying she wanted the house to go to me because I helped them.

I will keep this note, I appreciate the fact that my mom appreciated me, appreciated the help I gave to them.  I'm glad that everything was divided evenly, I wouldn't have wanted a fight on my hands, the relationship had already become so strained.

The nicest gift my mom left to me was this note, she recognized me, she appreciated me and that means everything to me.  By finding this note twice, means my mom really wanted me to know.  My father's words to me even while in Alzheimer's saying the same to me, meant a lot to me, too, he recognized me, appreciated me.

I can hold my head up high and you can, too.  That is the greatest gift.  Your reaction is not odd, I know I had some resentment, too, but each person at the end of their life will have things to answer to, and your answer is golden, I gave myself unselfishly and I did the best I could humanly do for another who was suffering.  You can be proud of yourself deservingly.

 

 


300sun
Posted: Wednesday, January 27, 2016 9:21 PM
Joined: 2/20/2014
Posts: 294


Bela, I love your new avatar picture!
300sun
Posted: Wednesday, January 27, 2016 9:24 PM
Joined: 2/20/2014
Posts: 294


KML, 
I really like what you wrote and glad you shared it.

bela
Posted: Friday, January 29, 2016 2:11 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4120


300 sun Thank you!!!!
His Daughter
Posted: Friday, January 29, 2016 11:13 AM
Joined: 6/25/2014
Posts: 2270


KML,  I also really appreciate your post and what you shared.   The very fact that you tore up that first letter from your mom speaks volumes.  Your heart was always in the right place, and so was mine.  None of us become the caregiver for this disease FOR MONEY OR POSSESSIONS.    We do what we do, because we truly love our parents, and appreciate all that we have been given.  

There is no doubt that I have already received the most important possession I could have ever received, my parents love and respect.  I was the one, of their three children, who had a close relationship with them both.  And in the background of life, were their other two children.  While my parents loved all of us, they certainly did not respect my sibling's actions, or feel the closeness that they shared with me.  (Just being honest here.)  And yes, my parents also truly appreciated my role in their life.   

But right now, just 6 weeks after Dad's death, my MIA siblings are already making out their lists and finding their victims shirts.  Because of course, in their minds, they are not getting their fair shares.  (Life long pattern of behavior for these two people.)   This sense of ENTITLEMENT that both of them share, is completely disgusting and abhorrent to me.  

I just want to make sure, that I have raised better children than this.  I want my kids to understand that they are NOT guaranteed anything.  I have done the very best I could to give my three a firm foundation in life.  I taught them all I could about money and finance, I gave them a true example of self sufficiency, and set the example they should follow of a hard work ethic and earning your own way in this world.  There is no greater gift that their mother could have given them.  It's worth it's weight in GOLD.  It's what I learned from my parents.  

But as I being this final journey, as the Personal Representative for the closure of my father's  final estate,  unfortunately, I have to watch both of these self centered ENTITLEMENT TWINS,  cry and whine over what they want and what they get.  As though they are vultures picking at a carcass.   It's enough to make you sick.   My father death shouldn't be about what we have financially gained.........it should be about what we have truly lost.  

 


KML
Posted: Friday, January 29, 2016 12:51 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


His Daughter:

I do understand your situation, I have a similar story.  The story is so long and goes so far back and I've had a lot of emotional duress over it.

I have been struggling with bitter feelings, and this is another journey in itself, working out those family dynamics which seem so unexplainable.  I'm reading Healing From Family Rifts.

It's about self-preservation now and finding the much needed peace after these profound losses in our life. 

I wish you speedy maneuvering through the estate settlement.  Take care.  Our siblings are the poster-children of how not to be.

I find myself mournfully envious of families with siblings who share and care.   The book talks about second-chance families, and these are friends, other caring relatives, your children.  They can provide the support and love that is so lacking in some of our siblings in our original family.  So there is hope and it sounds like you have that with your children and your husband.

This part is the last part in this journey and unfortunately it comes on the heels of a profound loss, so it's not easy to put up with these behaviors at this time, but you're strong and you'll do it.  You have taken the high road.

For Johanna, it takes a lot of strength and self-assurance to let go.  It's not a concept in my nature, but it sounds like the better path to take and since it's not in my nature, I hang on and ruminate, which is not fun or healthy to do and it keeps me stuck and not able to enjoy the good things left.  I'm making a promise to myself to let go of these feelings.  I've started in a small way, by mentioning my sibling in my prayers and saying in my prayers that I forgive sibling.  These feelings have no place to go and they will implode if I do not release them.  Working on it.  Thank you.

 

 

 

 

 


Joyce_S
Posted: Friday, January 29, 2016 3:19 PM
Joined: 11/28/2012
Posts: 211


His Daughter,

I am so sorry that you're going through what would seem to be unnecessary grief, that of your siblings' reactions.

I have 8 living siblings.  I believe now they all gave all that they had.  When they all came to my home when mom passed, not a word from anyone about money or things.  There is some inheritance, but my youngest brother is executor, and I'm grateful for that.

It's funny, while I was taking care of mom I would get so hurt and furious at different ones of them because I felt like they should be coming more often.  I really worried at times that whenever mom passed I would have to be sedated so that I didn't cause a huge scene at the service.  Now that mom is gone, it doesn't matter.  They all came together, and having them all at mom's service and the time around it was magical and tender and healing for all of us, I think.

I'm so sorry that you haven't been able to have a moment like that.

Best Wishes,

Joyce


bela
Posted: Friday, January 29, 2016 6:43 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4120


It's easy to suggest one "let's go" but it doesn't happen merely by saying the words.  It takes and requires a conscious effort;


Lorita
Posted: Friday, January 29, 2016 7:11 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 12802


Hi,

 Just dropped in to read a bit.  As I'm sure you all know there is always "one" person in the family, be it a daughter or son, who always ends up with the responsibility for taking care of things for the parents; illnesses, NH placements, whatever.

 Jo - for sure it was you.  In our case, it was me.  I guess the natural one to do it since I lived here and my sister lived in OKC.  I was happy to do it because it was easier for me since I was already here.  But, the decisions were mine - no input, no help - an occasional visit for a couple of hours on Sunday.  I'm not bitter either.  I loved both of them and would do it again.  But, it's just the way it is - there is always one person who does most, if not all.  I made all the arrangements for NH care for both of them and for the final arrangements.  They had money to cover the costs so that wasn't a factor - but sometimes it irritated me a bit that all the decisions and arrangements were mine to make.  No visits to the NH or hospitals but both funerals were attended.

 Now, I'm still doing it - for her.   She has money to pay for things but again, sometimes I'm ending up paying since I don't have access to her finances.  This will change in the near future - but it will still be me making the decisions - with the input, though, from her daughter and granddaughter.  No one will have to make decisions for me - I'm going to get that done before it's time for me to go, either into a home or into the ground.  Even if my demise is in the pasture, hopefully,  everything will be taken care of. 


300sun
Posted: Friday, January 29, 2016 7:23 PM
Joined: 2/20/2014
Posts: 294


These are good shares and I'm glad people are willing to write. 

 
In my case, my Mom had no estate to worry about. Her condo had been sold years ago during the recession and she made less than 3K. 

There was a modest life insurance that for years she wanted to change. I always resisted. 
 
After 5 years I had no more retirement, I had cashed that in during the first two years of her illness. The last 3 years she had Medicaid and I was paid by the state to care for her at home. 
 

My siblings realized when Mom passed I would have no funds and would need to put my life back together. They offered to have the life insurance go to me. They were grateful that myself and my spouse had cared for her all these years.

 
So, this is how things worked out for us and I realize we have been fortunate not to have a lot of dissension among the siblings.

 

 
 

Joyce_S
Posted: Friday, January 29, 2016 7:50 PM
Joined: 11/28/2012
Posts: 211


Lorita - I'm glad you brought the topic of planning things out for yourself.  That's something that I have really had my eyes opened about, and am going to make a priority.  It so helped me that mom and dad had pre-arranged their funeral arrangements.  Mom's death left me in such a fog, it was so helpful to find out that now a days arrangements can be transferred to other funeral homes throughout the country that are on the same network.  I was provided with the names of funeral homes in my area that were in the network of the funeral home that mom and dad had created the contract with. Really, we should each one of us be responsible for ourselves in that way, right?

 

Bela - I'm with you with the "letting it go".  To me, letting go is a whole process, many times, a really long process.  I really can't just will myself to let something go, even when I know that I'd feel better if I could.

 

Jo - I used an app to have postcards mailed to my mom from different relatives.  You could pick one of your pictures, or use one of their's, and type in a message, and sign it with whoever' name.  I think we all just learned to do whatever it takes, didn't we?!!

 

Sun300 - I'm glad there was an agreement about the life insurance, you surely deserved it!

 

Best Wishes,
Joyce

Jo C.
Posted: Saturday, January 30, 2016 9:43 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 11564


Goodness; I just took a look and no, no, no . . . . I am NOT a saint nor anywhere near such a designation!   I am a flawed human being and am always in state of something needing improvement, but that IS part of being a human being; flaws and all.   Human beings are alway in state of being an ongoing project so to speak.  Just when we think we've got it all together; uh-oh, here comes something else . . . kind of like trying to nail Jell-O to the wall.

Deciding to "let go," was a good decision, and while I was able to let go of some bits and pieces right away, there was still a bit of conscious work to be done to set it all  aside.  So very glad I did; there is peace to be found and also health of spirit.  Each person will find their own path.   Sometimes we can even focus on "other" things to transfer our feelings onto about the really big things we can do nothing about; like the death of someone we love so very much or other huge matters.  One size does not fit all in this or much of anything else on this journey with dementia.

Every one of us does the best we can with the circumstances as they exist, unique to every one of us.

I am not one to need for people to prove themselves to me before I like and/or respect them.  Rather in reverse for me.  We all come evolving into this world of humanness with different upbringings, different life experiences, different tragedies, and different DNA.   All of this goes into that big soup pot and at the end, out we pop!   It is hard work sometimes.

It's all good and vive le difference!   I know Lorita has done a herculean job of managing all she has.   I am in constant awe of her what with single handedly managing her huge ranch and personally caring for the cattle in every detail large and small and all the other matters.  She's out there every day in the cold or heat lugging monstrously large bags of this and that and delivering calves, etc. all by herself with no one else in attendance.  Not to mention her gargantuan sized bull, Jasper and all her other animals of which there are so many.  On top of doing all of this, she has personally cared for her very ill husband at home through his death while still managing the ranch, and now faces being the carer and Guardian for her deeply compromised sister who is very complex.  On top of all of this, I think Lorita is in her 70's if I am not mistaken.  She is putting Wonder Woman to shame and is the nicest and kindest person on top of it.

 I should try to be more like her, but at the thought of it I get so tired I need to go sit down -  City Girl.

Hugs to all,

J.


Lorita
Posted: Saturday, January 30, 2016 6:17 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 12802


Hi everyone,

 My gosh, Jo, such kind words - you're making me blush sitting here in the house by myself - with Barclee and Phoebe. You'd be amazed at what the women do around here - driving tractors, fertilizer spreaders, balers (like Leanne) and hauling hay plus taking care of their cattle.

 It's just a way of life for me - I couldn't survive in the city.  I'm amazed at how you all who live in town face that traffic every day.  I get aggravated when I meet two cars on the country road on the way to town.

 I think having the animals is what keeps me going; no, I know it is.  If I didn't have them I'd just sit and vegetate and I don't want to do that.  If I get to feeling sorry for myself, I can go out and be with them and feel much better.

 With all the calves, but five, gone, Jasper is again Bull of the Woods and he's acting like it - stands at the gate snorting to be the first one through when I feed them.    It's kind of strange, this morning I was feeding Angie with her mom, Tina, bathing her while I petted her head and I was thinking of you and the fact that you said you'd never touched a cow.  I wished you were here so you could also pet Tina.

 Joyce, I haven't gotten my plans completed yet.  The attorney said we'd take care of my sister, then take care of my stuff.  I have yet to get the double headstone - Charles has a military one so that's good for right now.  I'm going to make my final plans with the same funeral home we've used for all our family.  It will be exactly like the one we had for Charles and, for the most part, his was like my parents except it was a military service.  I may even have the same songs I had for Charles.

It's been a beautiful day here, warm and somewhat windy - 70 degrees.  I fed the girls and put feed in the barn for the five babies so I'm in for the night.

Jo, you're right - I'll be 74 the first day of summer.  Seems impossible that I've gotten this old - so fast.  Most of my cousins are my age or older - the only younger relative or friend I have is Karen, a little over a year younger, except, of course, Sarah and Scarlet.

Watching a rerun of one of the semi-finals of the Australian Open so will go for now.  Hope everyone has a nice night.