Joined: 2/6/2012
Posts: 1092
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I was going to reply to your post this morning, but you
removed it. You posted it late afternoon yesterday and I could not get on line
last night. This message board is not very active and it is very frustrating. Your post was a complicated one. You have the dimension of caring
for your mother, your mother not expressing grief and then your grief as the caregiver.
You already know I am not in a better place, but I do envy you. For whatever it's worth. I wish I had someone at home to care for again, to maybe even
make up for some of my mistakes, like a second chance, and the fact that you
can do this all from the comfort of your home is a blessing. As far as missing
your father goes, the emptiness in the house, the hole in your heart, missing
some of the things that maybe used to annoy you, I am in the same situation. I
wake up in the morning with panic attacks and sadness, knowing that my mother
is no longer on this earth and there is nothing I can do to change that. There
is no way of us knowing how they really felt when they were dying, how they
feel now that they are dead. Do they see us? Do they know all the sacrifices we
made? Will we see them again? are they really "at peace" who the hell
knows. I've been reading good books on grieving and everything we are feeling
is normal. I am not ready to accept either. I don’t want these books, I don't
want medication, I don’t want grief counselors, I don't want therapists. I just
want my mom back. I feel you.
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Joined: 2/6/2012
Posts: 1092
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You are without a doubt the best grief counselor for your
mother. I think just by you being with your mom every day, helping her thru
this the best way you know how, is the best grief counselor she could have. Use
the grief counselling services for yourself. There is usually more than one grief
counselor at Hospice, if you don't think she is a good fit ask for a
different one. I love the way you describe your thoughts, "withdrawing
into a shell like a turtle". That is what I do, what I like to do, it
feels right. Do what feels right. You deserve to feel however you want to feel.
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