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48 hours later
Posted: Wednesday, February 15, 2017 7:18 AM
Joined: 11/4/2014
Posts: 397

On morning of Monday Feb 13 2017 , I placed my 61 year old, wife of nearly 44 years, into a Long Term Care facility.

I have followed the various threads here Re- Long Term Care vs keeping loved ones at home. Everyone of us has different circumstances, and as we all know, AD and its nasty little sibling EOAD take many different paths. Unfortunately the paths all lead to the same place.

I chose to place my DW in Long Term Care. I have nothing but respect, and admiration for those that have made other choices. I had simply gone "as far as I could go"

Our daughter visited her yesterday, she said "Mom was a little upset". This morning she will be working on getting her Moms room a little homier.

So this afternoon I plan to make my first visit. I'm going to bring some personal items from home. I'll get her TV hooked up. I'm sure the facility wants me to sign more documents.

I know that this transition isn't going to be easy. I know she will beg to come home.  I guess I'm just going to hope that it all passes, and that my DW will accept that she has a different home now. ..I'm a 15 minute drive to her facility, and I plan to visit everyday.


Posted: Wednesday, February 15, 2017 7:44 AM
Joined: 2/17/2015
Posts: 131

Prayers for you and your DW.
Dixie Chic
Posted: Wednesday, February 15, 2017 8:56 AM
Joined: 7/1/2014
Posts: 113

My thoughts are with you as you make this transition.  I placed my DH in memory care a year ago this month.  I, too, couldn't go any further.  I hope your wife's adjustment will go as well as my DH's did.  At first, he stayed up all night for a few nights, but after about a week, he began to sleep at night again.  There have been a few ups and downs during the past year, but overall, he is doing well.  He is getting good care and is safe, which is most important.  He has never said he wanted to go home, only that he wanted to be with me.  I plan my visits so that they end at meal time.  It's easier for me to leave when he's distracted eating his meal.  Physically, he's in good shape, but the alzheimer's marches on.  He does not know who I am now, but once I tell him who I am, he acts as if he does.

I visit often, but have tried to start my life again after it being on hold for so many years.  I'm sleeping again and find myself smiling and laughing more often.

Good luck on this new phase of the journey.


Posted: Wednesday, February 15, 2017 9:13 AM
Joined: 12/16/2013
Posts: 352


I wish you the best and hope that Carole adjusts very quickly. You are a loving husband and caregiver. Take care my friend.


Posted: Wednesday, February 15, 2017 9:14 AM
Joined: 10/9/2014
Posts: 523

Good Luck. This takes courage. We each have our own circumstances and we all do what we think is best.
Posted: Wednesday, February 15, 2017 9:42 AM
Joined: 11/1/2016
Posts: 141

My thoughts and prayers are with you Mike. I'm figuring out that no matter what,  you have to do what's best for BOTH of you. Hoping she settles in soon.
Posted: Wednesday, February 15, 2017 6:24 PM
Joined: 11/19/2015
Posts: 1004

Mike, my prayers go out to you.  I am hoping that I am able to care for my DH but no matter how much I want to I know that it may not be possible.

Hopefully your wife will settle in fairly quickly.  61 is so young! 



Posted: Wednesday, February 15, 2017 7:27 PM
Joined: 1/26/2015
Posts: 198

Scares me to death.  Can't even imagine doing that and fear it tremendously.  Praying for grace that God takes him before this happens or before he loses his dignity.
Posted: Wednesday, February 15, 2017 8:13 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 19546

Wishing the best of results for both of you. Please let us know how the visit went.
Posted: Thursday, February 16, 2017 4:44 PM
Joined: 11/4/2014
Posts: 397

Thanks everyone for your support.  I believe that my DW, while not thrilled with the whole idea, has accepted it. Its a huge adjustment for both of us.

  My DW would be one of their younger residents. Here in Canada we don't have facilities that are dedicated to memory care. I would have to say a good 3/4 of the residents have some sort of dementia. However some of the folks there are just senior citizens. They had my wife playing Bingo yesterday, and there was an elderly lady helping my DW out. I spoke to a gentleman, that I worked with 40 years ago. By my reckoning he would have to be in his 90's. He was as sharp as a tack.  

I feel that I have made the right call. If the first few days are any indication, I think my DW will accept her "new life". I see by reading the board, that eventually she may consider the facility as home.

All in all, the whole transition went a lot better than I expected.


Posted: Friday, February 17, 2017 12:17 AM
Joined: 12/17/2014
Posts: 1161

Good to hear your follow-up, Mike. I hope the transition and and adjustment goes well for both of you. Wishing you rest and relief and comfort.
still love her
Posted: Friday, February 17, 2017 6:38 PM
Joined: 6/5/2016
Posts: 28

I will be facing the same thing very soon. I HATE this disease.
Posted: Saturday, February 18, 2017 3:30 PM
Joined: 6/13/2016
Posts: 134

Mike, my thoughts are with you and Carol.  Here's hoping that you can catch up on your sleep and get some much-needed rest.  Take care.  You have done so much for so long and I doubt that I will make it as far down the road as you before I place my DW.
Posted: Sunday, February 19, 2017 8:41 AM
Joined: 2/2/2014
Posts: 6262

Let me be TOTALLY supportive of your or anyone else's approach to coping with this condition .  There is simply no "right" answer even in a specific case.  As Kipling wrote :

I have paid my price to live with myself on the terms that I willed.

Posted: Saturday, February 25, 2017 8:04 PM
Joined: 12/28/2016
Posts: 42


I so feel your pain. My DW of 31 years joined a MCF 2 days ago after almost 6 weeks at UCLA Neuropsych to get her behavior under control. Prior to my LO's admission I was active on this board, but the events over the last 6 weeks just left me exhausted every day to the point that there was so much pain I did not want to share.

I have been working with the attending and a social worker (aside from countless nurses who are angels in their own right) and knew that eventually the day would come for discharge. I also knew that the care needs for my LO were 24/7. My DW is diagnosed with mixed dementia, although everyone agrees that the frontal lobe plays a primary role, because of the behavioral issues. 6 weeks ago, she would try and jump or punch a nurse or a doctor. Three days ago prior to discharge to the MCF I got lot of smiles, little kisses on my hands, a surprising kiss on my lips, I stayed for Arts and Crafts and we made a paper Mache bowl (let's say we tried) and had lunch together. My DW needs prompting for everything, but done right, now responds well and will pick up the task.

The day of the discharge and her medical transport to the MCF was the lowest point for me. Although I knew it was coming, the reality of your LO not coming home, is so crushing. I thought the previous few days were bad while moving furniture into the room and selecting what clothes to bring and what not. But no, receiving the call from the social worker that Sue is now being picked up by transport to go to the facility absolutely knocked me down. I was, well still am, an emotional wreck.

I know that this is the right path and best for my DW. But I will say this, I have lost people very close to me to death. I am not diminishing the hurt of those losses, but losing your loved one to dementia is so much worse. The pain continues to increase as the disease progresses.

While I am in touch with the MCF daily, I decided to take the weekend off and get out of our house. I need to find my footing and stay strong, after all, I am the only advocate she has. So, I keep getting myself to get it together while the tears fall, and whit that I found the strength to return to this community and realize I am not alone. I wish you well.

Posted: Sunday, February 26, 2017 11:53 AM
Joined: 11/4/2014
Posts: 397

GTinLA ..Thank you for sharing your story, and the kind words. While I fully realized that Long Term care was the only answer, actually doing it ,was heart wrenching . There is just this big empty hole, where my life used to be.

I do take some comfort in knowing my wife is being cared for in a safe, caring facility.  Adjusting to my new life ???. I guess time will tell.


Jo C.
Posted: Sunday, February 26, 2017 3:19 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 11564

Mike and GT, I have the utmost respect for the both you you.  What awesomely devoted and loving husbands who are doing the right thing on behalf of their beloved wives.

I remember the placing of my LO.  On the day of admission, I left the facility after dinner hour and not feeling like cooking, I stopped with another LO at a local cafe.   We were seated and the server came to take our order; we had been talking about something else when without warning that it was coming, I abruptly broke into huge wracking sobs and could not stop.   Not pretty crying, but gut wrenching sobs with big red nose and all. 

I NEVER cry and I certainly do NOT make public spectacles.  We had to get up and leave.  I am sure the other patrons thought I was being verbally abused or some other horrible thing.

It was the dam breaking; it could not take one more drop of emotional hurt.  What I did find was that not only my LO needed a period of adaptation to the new surroundings, I too needed a period of adaptation.

What happened was that everything worked out far better than I would have thought.   It was a blessing in disguise and my LO enjoyed the routine and structure and the activities she could attend sometimes just watching as she was not able to be a participant and she loved the socialization.

Of course, I kept close watch and was there so much they should have charged me rent too.  The grief I believe was my actually knowing that we had hit one of the last downturns and it felt as though my heart was breaking.  I am so glad it turned out to be a very good thing.

You are both doing the very best under difficult circumstances and are to be commended for your devotion.  Please do let us know how you and your dear wives are faring, we will be thinking of you.



Posted: Sunday, February 26, 2017 4:59 PM
Joined: 2/16/2017
Posts: 1287

Hi Mike,

You did the right thing. I placed me DH in a MC facility 3 months ago. I live 5 minutes away I go visit him daily sometimes I miss a day but not too often.

Feeling bad and the guilt will not go away anytime soon, I m still dealing with it, and its not easy. I do feel good when I see the care he is getting and the love the care givers show him.

he fits in well with the residents but he still wants to come home, I am sure you will find that to be the hardest thing to deal with.

I get a lot of comfort from the caregiver's and that helps me a lot. Just give it time and you will feel the comfort I am talking about.  

Right now I am dealing with all (The What Ifs.)

Take care of Yourself, My Best to You.

Posted: Monday, February 27, 2017 5:29 PM
Joined: 8/6/2015
Posts: 1736

Dear Mike, Just checking on you and your wife.  I sure hope you are getting some good rest and getting used to like uninterrupted by another's need or request.  I know the silence can be quite difficult.  You have done and will continue to do so much for her. You are pretty terrific!

Blessings, sharon