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daughterwhoworks
Posted: Wednesday, April 4, 2018 3:16 PM
Joined: 8/3/2017
Posts: 134


I want to thank all of you that have posted your feelings.  I didn't realize that THIS group existed until a few days ago.   I guess I had been so bogged down with the "how to survive" group, that I didn't look any further.      
My dad passed Feb 24, 2018.  I thought by now, 5 1/2 weeks later, that I would not feel quite so lost.  But I do.. especially after work..  the evenings are not filled with running to help Mom with Dad.  I try to keep busy, but all I really want to do is go home and sleep.  I can't say that work is ok, either.   What seemed important before, has lost some sort of meaning.    
We all handle it differently...  Mom put a picture of Dad on the buffet; my autism spectrum brother saw no reason to even put out a picture.  Dad passed on a Saturday, and by that Monday, Mom, had already gotten rid of all of Dad's clothes, etc.   It almost seems that Dad was only a dream.
 
Mom thinks if I cry, then I am feeling sorry for myself.  I didn't think I was feeling that way. (When her brother passed several years ago..she gave herself 30 days to grieve, then be done with it.)   How can anyone even think about setting a timer on grief??     
My 40 yr old son asked how I was feeling now that "Dad had ..."..  I told him not so good. His reply: "I don't do pity parties."  I mean, omg, my own son!!!! tells me that ??   I can see him putting me away and throwing away the key, if it comes to that.  

And, I can't fault my boss for having a new baby, only three days after Dad passed... but his life is filled with that end of the spectrum--new, exciting life, while mine just seems to be floating along until some magic wave pushes me onto the shore of  something that feels important.   

I keep having visions of those last few days with Dad... although other people have suffered much more... I want to forget and I don't want to forget --all at the same time.   I was so tired that Friday evening..  I was going to change Dad, but Mom convinced me to wait until after I ate supper...so I ate, then I sat down in the living room.. ended up laying down.. still thinking I'd change him before bedtime..   I never changed him; I fell asleep on the couch.  He passed between 1:30 and 3:00 in the morning.  I am sure that even I had changed him, he would passed anyway...  It was time for him to go.   I just think 'how could I be so lazy when he was about to leave this life?'   That Friday morning, the nurse had said it wouldn't be long... And now, I can't go back and undo anything.     

Thank you for letting me write this....... 

Daughter Who Works      

   

        

Wgonzo
Posted: Wednesday, April 4, 2018 8:43 PM
Joined: 1/8/2016
Posts: 365


daughterwhoworks,

 I hear you. It's been 3 months exactly since my mom passed.

 Know that being on this side of the message board isn't much easier. We are still dealing with so many conflicting emotions. Some days are ok and some you are not sure what you are. One thing is for sure if your on this side you're not alone in how you feel. Our friends and family may or may not fully understand. But, we definitely do!

It's a process as we try to navigate through all of this. But, we have to keep going. We still have a purpose. And, as hard as it is find our joy again. I wouldn't want my kids to stop living their lives when I'm gone and I'm sure my parents would want me to keep living mine.

We unfortunately are part of an elite group that has experienced a disease that nobody should go through. That's why we keep coming back to this message board. We still want to offer support and advise.

Hang in there

Wendy


Vivilynn
Posted: Thursday, April 5, 2018 7:14 AM
Joined: 8/15/2017
Posts: 215


Hello daughterwhoworks. I lost my dear husband just 3 months ago. I too struggle with the memories of his last days. I'm not sure if my mind or soul will ever heal from the wounds those memories gave me. I find too that at any given time I will burst into uncontrollable tears just thinking of a good long ago memory when my Robert was healthy and full of life. I pray that one day the good sweet memories will give me comfort, but for now they only haunt me and sadden me as much as the unhealthy ones do. I am still hoping to regain my restfulness too. My Robert's last few months were so exhausting for me and so painful for him,  either one of us really slept much. My body still is in that mode of interrupted sleep.  Also after having him in the house with me for 40 years it is hard to rest well, I feel something missing and of course there is, my Robert. Grief is so different for each person, I for one know for myself it is going to be a long process, I learned that over 30 yrs ago when I lost my mama and daddy within 2 yrs of each other. I still grieve for them today.  Don't know how or why someone could put a time limit on grief, that's obsurd to me. This site is a place where you can vent your feelings, good and bad, but not be judged, because we've been where you've been and understand how very difficult it is to continue on without your loved one. Take your time grieving for your dear dad, and visit here often. There is always someone here to listen. Take care, blessings,

Vivi


april33
Posted: Friday, April 6, 2018 11:02 PM
Joined: 7/6/2014
Posts: 93


Daughterwho works

Families develop there own rules to live by and then convince themselves that those rules are the correct ones for everyone

. My family was like yours. No one ever talked about a family member who had died. No one visited grave sites or brought flowers. You were just suppose to soldier on as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

Well I'm telling you real life doesn't work that way . You have to have somewhere you can talk about how you feel and share your memories of the loved ones.  Its too bad there aren't groups for people to go to just to connect with others who are in the same boat. Most of the ones I have found have structured guidelines they follow and are only for a few weeks and I have never seen one that deals with Dementia. We will have to settle for the kind folks on this forum because they "get it". 

Grieving is hard work and my heart goes out to you. We are here for you . Post as often as you need to.


dolor
Posted: Monday, April 9, 2018 4:07 PM
Joined: 11/9/2017
Posts: 305


Daughter Who Works (Too Much)

Dear you weren't lazy, you were and are exhausted. Exhaustion is cumulative. Don't expect it to go away any time soon. 

It sounds like you have no support for your grieving process. Can you access a grief counselor? I have also heard good things about griefshare groups--I'm thinking about attending, if I can find the energy.  

I don't understand the rapid grievers and the non grievers, but they are not us. 

I am sorry for your loss. Your father is lucky to have such a loving daughter. 


daughterwhoworks
Posted: Wednesday, April 11, 2018 5:59 PM
Joined: 8/3/2017
Posts: 134


Thank you each of you for your support.  I do not attend any "live and in-person" group for grief.   I do read many of the posts here (all helpful!).   I do see some on-line reading that the local funeral home (where Dad was); it's helpful, but not the same as real people responding. 

When I visit Mom, I try not to mention Dad.. unless she does first.  Also, my brother said he cried about 15 minutes...  and now he just moves on.   I was surprised he cried at all!!  But, I won't judge..it's his way of doing things. 

I try to remember that Dad would not want me down and out over his passing.  He was ready, and he's content now.   

I was thinking back the other day..  even in August of 2016, I was crying and tired.. wondering  how bad this would get..and how long it would last.   You are correct, I'm tired.   And honestly, I'm not helping myself (too much sitting, and not enough activity)..  but some days are just hard to self-motivate!  I'm hoping the longer, warmer days will call me out to enjoy nature.  Dad enjoyed the birds singing, the rivers, the mountains...he was not a hunter or fisherman, but he enjoyed the outdoors.  

Sometimes I am reminded that my DNA is half his... so really, he is closer than I think!  He read a LOT of books..   so here I am now - off to the library!  Maybe it's his part of me that enjoys reading..     

Daughter who works 

     


Wgonzo
Posted: Thursday, April 12, 2018 7:05 AM
Joined: 1/8/2016
Posts: 365


daughter who works,

It makes me happy to see in your last post that your desire to read has come back and the connection to your dad makes so much more special. Its hard when others don't grieve in the same way and worse when it's your own family. One thing is for sure as someone else said our grief didn't start when they passed because we have been grieving the loss of our LO daily when we were caring for them.

I try not to think about the worse days with my mom, but every so often a memory comes back. And, then I tell myself that she's no longer in that pain. And, yes the tears still come at odd times, but its ok because we need to let it out.

I too am looking forward to warmer days. Spring is taking it's time in Chicago, as usual! But, in the meantime I decided to try my hand at orchids. My mom loved flowers and her garden. We would go to an Orchid nursery to just look at the flowers, but she never bought any. I think she thought it would be too hard to maintain. But, I bought a couple in her honor. And, hopefully I will work on my garden this spring/summer.

Hugs

Wendy



Rocky Mountain Kid
Posted: Saturday, April 14, 2018 1:24 PM
Joined: 6/22/2015
Posts: 84


Dear Daughter Who Works,

We probably all have some regrets about what we should have done or something we did while we were taking care of our loved one.  Regrets are part of the grieving process.......I try not to dwell on them but they keep coming.  When they come I try to push them out of my mind.  I have done a lot of reading while I recover from caregiving and the loss of my husband.  It helps me to loose myself in a book and forget the world for a little bit.  Hubby has been gone 4 months now and I do feel less tired and better physically but I realize I'm still  in the 'grieving process'.  We are all different and we all grieve differently.  Tears are cleansing......if you feel like crying, CRY, and try not to pay any attention to what others  think you should do.   For the first month or so after Hubby's death, I felt like my 'emotions were frozen' and I couldn't cry.  Now I can cry when I feel like it......and its a relief.  My thoughts are with you.


Rockym
Posted: Tuesday, May 29, 2018 9:36 AM
Joined: 1/17/2016
Posts: 939


daughterwhoworks,  I too had no idea this section existed.  I never scrolled down far enough for it to catch my eye.  I still look through the caregivers section as those are the people for the past 2+ years I have posted with.

I think we all have ideas of how we might feel when this part of our lives (and theirs ends).  I think I have been preparing for it for a few months even before mom fell ill.  Mom was 86 and mostly in good health all her life.  The strange thing is that I kept thinking that I didn't want her to live till 96.  You know we all have reasons why and the fact that I felt mom's life was more of a 25% to 75% good to not so good ratio.  She would light up to see me, tell me she loved me more every time we'd say good bye.

Taking care of mom, her old home (that I am sitting in right now before the funeral) and all the decision making was a huge part of my life.  I tell my friends and family that it was only 3 or so years and in the big scheme of things, not so bad.  I feel that my mom, dad and brother, who have all passed, are around and maybe guiding me some.  I keep getting waves of sadness because not only am I the only one left in my immediate family at 53, it's a strange lonely feeling.  I remind myself when this wave comes that mom was 86 and that helps.

We never know when someone is going to leave our lives.  My mom was in the hospital for 3 nights, looked great upon leaving and went back to her community.  I was there everyday and I set up Hospice for her since she was given a dx of cancer.  I thought she would be one of those ladies who fights every step of the way, but mom said, "you know I'm dying" and I said yep and then just continued talking about other things.  She went so fast it caught me off guard.  I also look back and think I shouldn't have done this or I shouldn't have done that, but the reality is that it didn't matter, she was going to pass and there was nothing anyone could do.

86 is a long life.  In my own strange way I have talked with people saying 80 should be the end.  For every healthy person over 80, there is probably 100's that are suffering and it sucks.


BethL
Posted: Tuesday, May 29, 2018 3:48 PM
Joined: 3/25/2015
Posts: 880


When my mom passed away in November, my initial reaction was relief. Relief that she AND I no longer had to suffer, relief that all the tasks required of me were close to done (all but the estate). There was sadness when I looked through photos for the funeral - photos of her at 1 year old, as a high schooler playing basketball, as a young woman dating...she wasn't always an old woman! She was much more.

As the trauma I incurred from caregiving has become more distant, I am starting to remember and appreciate my mom for the wonderful, godly woman she was.