And so the grieving process continues....

     This past month, I've been trying come to grips with those 12 final days and what it was like from her perspective.  She was comatose, but aware of what was going on around her. It was Sandy and me, her nurse and aide, and an invisible Guardian, during that time.

                                               HER DYING DAY

 Day 1   I love you.... 

              I have to say goodbye to you....

              But I don't want to....

Day 2     I have to close my eyes and sleep;

               I don't need water, nor food to eat.

               Just the morphine to ease my pain.

Day 3     I have a new Guardian who you can't see,

               Waiting to take me where I can dance again.

                She stands to my right at my feet.

Day 4      Please don't hover and watch me sleep.

                Can't you see the smile that's for you?

                I want you to know I'm finding peace.

Day 5       My Guardian has the patience

                 Of a Saint.

                 She knows it's hard for me to let go of you.

Day 6        I heard the nurse tell you

                  How much I must love you

                  To be fighting till my dying day.

Day 7         I can't leave while you watch

                  And I can't when you cry,

                  But I do like it when you stroke my hair.

Day 8        I heard music all night,

                  Our favorites you played.

                  Our bond will outlive my dying day.

Day 9         The nurse told you the truth.

                   My body is failing.

                   Darkness is descending.

Day 10        Why did he have to hear my cries?

                     I sounded like a lamb

                     Going to the slaughter.

Day 11          When you entered our bedroom, I gave you a gift.

                       I appeared on our bed and smiled.

                       I looked the same as the first day we met.

                      Keep that vision...please never forget.

Day 12            I love you....

                       I have to say goodbye to you,,,,,

                       But I don't want to...... 

When we get that Dx, this is something that we're all slowly preparing for, but yet will never be ready for.

Hang in there.......you now have a special guardian angel.

I love that you have tried to imagine this from you DW’s perspective.

Your pain is palpable, and our hearts go out to you.  I hope for you over time as you keep processing the grief and loss that you feel fortunate to have loved so deeply—for therein lies the joy you have experienced, and that’s what makes the loss as great as it is.

You were clearly a wonderful caregiver.  Time for self care.

     Holidays are still hard to anticipate.

     Thank you for the wish and it was peaceful.

      I empathize with the other posters who are devastated that their spouses don't know them any more, I went through that for several years with Sandy.  It still amazes me those were her last words.  Even though the disease destroyed her memories, her love for me survived.

      Looking at those two weeks from her perspective was a jolt. It also gave me something to be thankful for on this holiday.  She didn't know me but she knew she always knew she loved me.  I have a lifetime's worth of treasured memories and those last words.

 I fully understand how you feel the holidays are really hard for me especially Thanksgiving and Christmas. The first time I kissed Linda was on Thanksgiving and our first date was on Christmas. We were married in May the following year. The last thing she said to me was     (I Love You.) Whenever I am down I think about the last gift she gave me. They say that time heals everything but that is not true. Time dulls the pain but it never goes away, just when you think things are getting better it comes back to you like a roaring lion. 

As strange as it may seem Sandy was blessed by you taking care of her and she knew it. She gave you the greatest gift of all at the end. Hold on to last words and the memory that she wants you have of her. Your love, and devotion to her shows in every one of your post. Please take care of yourself in the days ahead, God’s Blessings to you Richard

When you entered our bedroom, I gave you a gift.

I appeared on our bed and smiled.

I looked the same as the first day we met.

Keep that vision...please never forget.