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A month goes by
Bholmes
Posted: Sunday, November 29, 2020 10:39 PM
Joined: 2/24/2020
Posts: 158


I went and visited family during the Thanksgiving holiday. I didn’t go in the Spring with wife illness getting worse and Covid. I drove familiar route that I go from Phoenix to Albuquerque to Amarillo to Oklahoma. I thought a lot on the drive and came to some conclusions as to what this disease did to me. She died just over a month ago. 

 

  • I miss my wife so terribly - it is like something broke inside of me. I want her back.
  • I wish that I had gotten paid caregiver help earlier. I felt I cheated her somehow. 
  • The loneliness of the house makes me talk to her a lot. It is so wierd to not be with her. To help her, cook for her, clean up after her, just be there with her 24/7. 
  • I don’t sleep well.
  • I have my first grieve counsel session next week, and I hope it helps.
  • I question what I am to do with my life now. I stay busy without purpose.

 

 


Army_Vet60
Posted: Tuesday, December 1, 2020 8:54 AM
Joined: 6/21/2019
Posts: 962


Bholmes wrote:

I went and visited family during the Thanksgiving holiday. I didn’t go in the Spring with wife illness getting worse and Covid. I drove familiar route that I go from Phoenix to Albuquerque to Amarillo to Oklahoma. I thought a lot on the drive and came to some conclusions as to what this disease did to me. She died just over a month ago. 

 

  • I miss my wife so terribly - it is like something broke inside of me. I want her back.
  • I wish that I had gotten paid caregiver help earlier. I felt I cheated her somehow. 
  • The loneliness of the house makes me talk to her a lot. It is so wierd to not be with her. To help her, cook for her, clean up after her, just be there with her 24/7. 
  • I don’t sleep well.
  • I have my first grieve counsel session next week, and I hope it helps.
  • I question what I am to do with my life now. I stay busy without purpose.

 

 

 
 
 
 

     I can empathize with you and what you wrote. I'm in month 15 since my wife died.

 
 
     What I see in that list is that you could really help yourself to some degree by getting the counseling ASAP.  It could help you deal with everything else on your list...It did for me, but it took several months for the positive changes to start. 

 

     The "something broke inside" feeling is with me. I felt like "our" world died and half of me died with her.  I'm trying to cope now by forming new friendships with people who weren't part of the 'old world'.  

 

     Do you feel you neglected your wife by not hiring a Caregiver sooner?  Guilt is a normal reaction because we all want to save our LO and are doomed to failure no matter what we did.  If there was a specific incident involving your wife  where you now think a caregiver should have been present, you might want to examine that with the counselor.   

 

      The loneliness in the house.....I still feel my wife's presence in the living room and in the bedroom.  I don't mind being alone, but the loneliness is depressing.  When I'm lonely, I cope by lighting a candle and talking to her portrait. In the bedroom, I talk to her through a teddy bear she kept since her childhood. It helps because I feel like she can hear me from the other side....I ask her every night to come back to me in someone else's body if "possession" is possible....

 

     I can only sleep 3-5 hours at a time. I wake up twice a night. I keep a book of expert level sudoku puzzles next to me.  They're very difficult so it takes only about 30-45 minutes of working on one to tire me out. If you are just lying awake at night, you might try keeping a book of "brain teasers" next to you, or a book, or a DVD to watch to tire you out...

 

      What to do with one's life now?   I would love to find a new partner, but I don't know if I can ever bond with another person because the bond with my deceased wife is as strong as it was when she was alive...I am doing volunteer work to feel useful, but not being able to bond with another person compounds the loneliness (sad lol)....

 

       If my responses to you contain stuff that seems "crazy", I won't disagree with you because I do doubt my mental well being at times....It's a new world that we Caregivers have been thrust into, and we don't get the benefit of being newborns who can grow and adapt ourselves to it.  

 

       Get the counseling and take the counselor seriously.  You're going through a hell that caregivers don't deserve, and yet...here we are.

        

 

 

Danby
Posted: Friday, December 4, 2020 7:23 PM
Joined: 12/4/2020
Posts: 1


While the likely source of your sleep disruption stress, your age, even without other health problems puts you at risk for a very common sleep disorder, obstructive sleep apnea. Ask your doctor if he/she thinks it is worth considering a sleep study. If sleep apnea is discovered, some simple non pharmacologic interventions may restore a good deal of energy to deal with your grief.
Bholmes
Posted: Friday, January 8, 2021 12:35 AM
Joined: 2/24/2020
Posts: 158


I had a 1 hour online grieve counseling session and have another next week. I am still very sad most days. I tried to keep busy during the holiday and painted our bathroom and went hiking a couple of times. The house is so empty. 

I work from home and was back at it this week, but don’t have much interest in work. 

I miss my wife so much. I hated what Alzheimer’s did to her, to us, what it took from me. 

I miss Lydia.


Irma k
Posted: Friday, January 8, 2021 7:55 AM
Joined: 5/20/2020
Posts: 2


I'm so sorry for your loss. Prayer is about all i can do myself. 

I miss my mother so much i don't know how to move on.. 

One day at a time, one second at a time.. stay busy.. thinking is what is hardest..


ChrisBme
Posted: Friday, January 8, 2021 6:11 PM
Joined: 2/1/2018
Posts: 118


Bholmes... I can so relate to you as I lost my DW of 46 years three and a half weeks ago! I have the same feelings as you and all the others that have lost their DLO's. All I can say is that I just thank god that he let me be with my DW for the last 49 years! I keep trying to tell myself how lucky of a man I was to be able to spend 49 years with her and she had chosen me even though I feel shorted as she was only 64 and I 65. I too talk to her every day and tell her how much I love her with the silence deafening! As I type this the tears are starting so I have to go for now but know you're not alone!
chrisp1653
Posted: Saturday, January 9, 2021 12:54 AM
Joined: 1/23/2017
Posts: 1285


My Barbara passed just last month on December 20, and even though this was expected, it still felt somehow like everything was rushed.  I talk to her too, asking her permission to change the tv to a sci-fi show that I like, or explaining that the kids ( her collection of stuffed animals ) need to go and make some other people happy.

I think one of the toughest parts for me has been as I go through her " treasures ; " her crafting supplies, and her shells. Omg ! There are jars and cans of sea shells EVERYWHERE ! I posted some of her things on a local website, and it sort of bothers me that the things that she had collected for over 40 years, seem to have little value to others. Having said that though, I remember a time when she was working, there was an elderly lady who came to her desk and noticed her collection of a few sea shells, and asked if she would like some more.Of course Barbara said " yes, " and the next day this lady came in with her collection. It was beautiful ! These had been her treasures, but no one was interested in them.

Now I am in the same place. Still, nothing can take away the good memories I will keep - except maybe dementia - and those memories are what keep me going.

I know that I can either be destroyed because she is gone, or I can be glad that we had 38 wonderful years of marriage.

I keep on pursuing the latter, while talking with her every day.

 


Bholmes
Posted: Saturday, January 9, 2021 11:07 PM
Joined: 2/24/2020
Posts: 158


I know what you mean by treasures. My wife had a closet full of them. Old photos, cards, things from her past and our past. Some I found so special, others I don’t know what they are. I try to stay busy doing stuff, otherwise my mind goes to mush. I watch too much tv, but trying to take walks etc. Hardest thing is sleep.
manuzito
Posted: Sunday, January 24, 2021 7:20 PM
Joined: 7/8/2018
Posts: 34


Here I’m on a Sunday night reading the posts of people that are having the exact feelings that I’m having after loosing my DH 5 weeks ago.  I also talk to him all day and I can’t bring myself to empty his closet or remove his hobby collections.  We were married for 51 years and we had a very good life.  He was a true gentleman, liked and respected by whoever crossed his life and up to the end he made an effort to say “thank you” to the nurse and “I’ll be ok” to me and our son.

Loneliness will kill me.  I don’t mind, I’m only living with half of my heart.

 

 


Bholmes
Posted: Monday, February 1, 2021 3:19 PM
Joined: 2/24/2020
Posts: 158


I am in now just over 3 Months into losing my wife to Alzheimer's. I took a week off work last week. The last several weeks have been very hard.  I went to Laughlin, Nevada and walked along the Colorado river and it helped to see nature etc. Gambled a little, ate out, and I took my camera and took pictures. It was good to get away.

Some things still happening:

 

  • I have a hard time concentrating at work.
  • I have tried reading some grief books and had 2 grief support meetings with a counselor. They seem pointless.
  • The best thing I have done is get out and walk or go hiking some. It reminds me of better times somehow or just the fact I am out of the house.
  • The house is still so quiet. I keep thinking I might have to move. As the house has so many memories of me and my wife. Everyone says, you should wait and not make drastic decisions, but it so hard to work from home all day, in the house that I cared for my wife almost  8years and where she died. So many bad memories seem to outweigh the good sometimes.
  • I worry about my job as I missed some project deadlines, but I care very little about it. I am sure when I don't get paid - I will care.
  • I sleep just a little better. In Laughlin, I slept better than I have in years one night.
  • I reached out again today to join a "newly grieved support group" that meets online. I did it before I left for a week and they never contacted me that week or last week. Maybe they don't like me
  • I still go through terrible phases of grief and I miss my wife so much.

 

 


SunnyBeBe
Posted: Tuesday, February 2, 2021 2:41 PM
Joined: 10/9/2014
Posts: 1187


I'm very sorry about your loss.  Please accept my condolences.  I can't imagine losing a spouse. Your pain is palpable.  We are told that grief is a process and that everyone is different. I say that to myself when I start feeling sad or emotional.  

Have you seen your doctor lately?  I might contact him/her and schedule a checkup, even it's virtual.  They are okay.  I've done some for myself and with my parents.  I'd let them know how you're feeling.  Rule out any kind ailment that might be going on too that could be bothering you.

Weather has not permitted to go visit my LO's grave this past week, but I will be going when things improve.  I've decided to take her a letter that I'm writing. And, I'll play some of her favorite music.  I think she'll like it. 


RetiredGopher2010
Posted: Tuesday, February 2, 2021 5:08 PM
Joined: 6/28/2014
Posts: 9


I have paraphrased some of this story from it's original form.  It has helped me knowing that my mother didn't just leave me, but she was welcomed into the loving arms of the angels. She was welcomed with kindness and good cheer.

I stood watching as the little ship sailed out to sea.

The setting sun tinted the white sails with a golden light, and as the ship disappeared from sight,

a voice at my side whispered, 

    “She is gone.”

But the sea was a narrow one.

On the farther shore a little band of friends had gathered to watch and wait in happy expectation.

Suddenly they caught sight of the tiny sail and, at the very moment when my companion had whispered, “She is gone” a glad shout went up in joyous welcome,

     “Here she comes!"