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I just want to scream
Lulu64
Posted: Friday, January 6, 2012 11:58 AM
Joined: 1/6/2012
Posts: 19


Ok bottom line, I live 100 miles away from my mom and step father.   My mom 84 has alz...One of my step brothers moved in to help with my mom, well that's what I thought.  Mom keeps falling, in Oct/11 she fell it was her heart, so pacemaker was put in, her own kids didn't want that, but step father said yes and it went in, three weeks after that she fell again, she was weak and not eatting, she hurt her back was in ICU for two weeks, came home she was not eatting but two bites, sleeping a lot, then she got up and fell again, cut her head was in ICU for two weeks, they send her home, a few weeks after that she fell again, this time she broke her humorous bone in left arm.  Now she went to two dr the Neuro dr said yesterday to put her in a Rehab/nursing home.  Her own kids don't want her in a nursing home, we want a nurse to come in and take care of her, HIS kids are making all the plans on what they feel my mom should have.  Even when I go to the hospital to see my mom those times I was told nothing while they sat there and talk to the dr, and the nurse said she didn't know she had a daughter they said it was just them.  The orto dr said that my mom is not to move the arm and has it in a sling.  Like I said her own kids, meaning me, my brother and sister don't want our mom in a Rehab or nursing home but we don't have no say so, I just went thur a Rehab with my partner dad who broke his hip and I didn't like the what I saw.  How is that going to help my mom?  All they are going to do is tie her up and drug her so they don't hear her screaming.  They can get a hospital bed for her at home and a nurse and she can be near her love ones. 

Now here is my questions to all of you, if the house that my step father is in is my mom's house, but in her will she left that house in a speical needs trust for me can they still sell the house to use that money for my mom's nursing home? My mom had my step father make a promise to her before she got really sick about not putting her in a home and not selling that house to leave it for me. And it's not like us kids don't want to help, we do, but they don't want our help.  Even when I go to my mom's house to vist, I'm walking on egg shells.  I feel like I have no say so when it comes to my mom.  The dr yesterday said my mom was worse then when she was there a month ago, well duh!  She's not going to get better. 

 


rose_ro
Posted: Friday, January 6, 2012 12:12 PM
Joined: 12/21/2011
Posts: 2431


I was horrified at the idea of a nursing home for my mom a few years ago.

 

Some places still wouldn't be right for her.

 

But I like where she is getting rehab right now, and wish we had looked into this a few years ago as a place my parents could have moved to.

 

It's very hard being a caregiver.  but mostly, I want my mom not to be in a house where she could fall again, that has some dangers in it.

 

having a nurse come here was not what I wanted.  I wanted her to have more interesting things in her life, and she does now. 

I don't have details about what to do, but sometimes care is really the best thing for them.


Stephanie Z
Posted: Friday, January 6, 2012 2:34 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4219


Hi LuLu, I know you are concerned, but the bottom line is who is the person who has medical power of attorney. If it is your step dad, he has the say about what happens to her. As far as the house, check with a lawyer, but I'm pretty sure that since she is not dead yet, whoever has POA can sell the house to pay for her care. It is her resource and should be used for her care.

I can't speak to your relationship with your step dad, but if your family has a poor relationship with him it can't help your mom..Have you tried asking for a family meeting to talk about mom's future care? Might help.

Let us know what happens

Stephanie


Lulu64
Posted: Friday, January 6, 2012 2:34 PM
Joined: 1/6/2012
Posts: 19


I understand what your saying, but all she does is sleep, she won't eat but a few bites if that.  All she needs is a hospital bed and that will stop her from falling out of bed.  Now my real father who is 87 years old is in a nursing home  in TX where my sister lives, he's happy and full of life, he doesn't know who we are, but he's happy.  He was place in a really nice nursing home, all the staff love him and he's well cared for.  He now walks with a walker, and he needs help dressing himself but he does his dancing and plays bingo and watches tv etc...he's been in there for 4 years now. I went down in 2010 to vist and I was so happy that we where able to put him in a nice place, it's all about money.  My dad has money, my mom doesn't, my mom is not like my dad.  It's hard on me seeing both of my parents sick with this illness one far worse then the other. I have my partner for support but we are going thur this together and really don't have anyone else I can talk too about how I feel and what is going on.  I'm glad I found this group maybe I can make friends on here with people that are in the same boat as me and learn how to deal with this.  I've been going to Alz support groups for this illness but because I've been there for years now they are talking to the new people and going back to square one.  Nobody is at where I'm at with my mom right now so it's hard to deal with in that group.  So this is why I turn to here, because a lot of people are here like me and a lot of people have gone thur what I'm going thur already.
Lulu64
Posted: Friday, January 6, 2012 2:47 PM
Joined: 1/6/2012
Posts: 19


Hi Stephanie,

 

Yes I have try many times for a family meeting and nobody wants to sit down with me to talk about my mom's care.  My step father has POA so they say, they will not show me the will, but they all have seen it.  My step brothers feel because none of her kids are here they have the power to take action.  But they keep telling me that I don't help, when I offer to help they tell me NO!  So I'm damn if I do and I'm damn if I don't.  I just got off the phone with step father,

 

So where could I look for a free lawyer to help me out?  I'm on SSI so my funds are low...


SadinHeart
Posted: Friday, January 6, 2012 2:51 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 403


The most important thing here is that your mom is in a safe place where she is taken care of. It doesnt sound like her home is a safe place for her if she keeps falling. Just reading your stories I felt the pain of all those falls. Poor lady. I would try to get your mom into a place where you feel comfortable she is getting good care. If she does not have money, she can qualify for Medicaid. You can check with your State. Worry about the house later once you know your mom is okay. If her husband has POA then he has the power to sell the home or stay with it unless it is specified in the will that the home goes to you.

 

Good luck.


Stephanie Z
Posted: Friday, January 6, 2012 4:08 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4219


Lulu, Your mom's will does not go into effect until she dies.If she declares he has POA in her will, that relates to her estate, not to her current status There either is or is not a separate power of attorney. You can get a hold of an elder law attorney in the area to file for POA for you. that way, if your step dad does have POA you will know it for sure. If he does not, you can take over.
Lulu64
Posted: Friday, January 6, 2012 9:26 PM
Joined: 1/6/2012
Posts: 19


Don't get me wrong, if I could pick out a place that I like I wouldn't have a problem for my mom to go into a home, I asked if it could be near me because I would go everyday to vist her.  But once again I was told NO.  I don't have any say so in the matter when it comes to my mom, matter of fact none of her kids do, we are all shut out when it comes to our mom, it's all about them.  The house could be a good place for her to be safe, if they had the right stuff to care for her, it's my step father and step brother who doesn't know how to care for her right.  When I tell them what needs to be done or what can happen with her having alz right away they go off on me and say, well you been in the alz support for years why don't you take control over things, but it's all talk, when I try to help I get NO you can't.  My bro and sister told me to walk away and let them deal with it, but how can I do this...I hate to see her suffer like this.
rose_ro
Posted: Friday, January 6, 2012 11:01 PM
Joined: 12/21/2011
Posts: 2431


You might google elder care lawyers around you, to get a free consultation...

 

This disease is terrible, it messes up families...

 

First issue, is she safe, does she have a good place, do people visit her?  Could you move near her?  Can you get people in a nearby support group to visit her?

 

I feel SO bad when I hear that older people have fallen.  It feels so UNFAIR!


JAB
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 6:07 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 740


Hi, Lulu.  You've used two quite different terms, i.e., "will" and "special needs trust".

A will, as Stephanie said, does not go into effect until the person dies. 

However, depending on how it is set up, a "special needs trust" might already be in effect.  And the terms of the trust would dictate what can and cannot be done with the assets, and by whom.

"Special needs" indicates that it is for the protection of someone who cannot protect him/her self.  So either it would be for the protection of your mother ... or for your protection if you have some sort of disability.  If it's for your protection, that may give you very different leverage for getting access to it than if it's for her protection.

One thing that I wonder ... who set up the trust?  Is it, perhaps, something that your father set up to protect your mother before they were divorced?

A person who has POA (Power of Attorney) -- if there is one -- may have the ability to sell the house, depending on what other documents exist.  A POA has nothing to do with a will (unless the POA grants the authority to change the terms of a will).

If there is a current special needs trust that is already in effect, then the trustee would be the one who manages the assets in the trust.

If there is only a will (rather than a trust), then once the person dies, the executor of the will takes over.  A POA (if any exists) is no longer in effect.

So one thing you may wish to do is find an attorney who can help you determine whether you can demand to see the relevant documents, such as POA and special needs trust.

Anyway, you have a messy situation.  One thing that bothers me is how often your mother has been hurt.  You might consider contacting Adult Protective Services where she lives (and if it's a different group, also where you live) and discuss the entire situation with them.  They may investigate what is going on, and help ensure that your mother receives better care.  They may also be able to give you information on how to find a pro bono attorney.


jfkoc
Posted: Sunday, January 8, 2012 9:26 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17531


Good, clear info JAB. All I would add is to find out about any existing HIPPA and Health Directive.
jfkoc
Posted: Sunday, January 8, 2012 9:30 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17531


Good, clear info JAB. All I would add is to find out about any existing HIPPA and Health Directive.

 

Also remember that you can talk to your mother's Dr anytime. The HIPPA just allows the Dr to give you  info.

 

The hospital/Dr office can tell you if any one has a HIPPA. No one without being named on a HIPPA on file can get info.