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I am tired of being ok
SadinHeart
Posted: Thursday, January 12, 2012 12:19 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 403


Yesterday as I was driving home from work I remembered how every day I would call my mom and see how her day went. When she was close to me, I would call her in the morning and go see her in the afternoon. Now she is far from me (4hrs) and she cant talk anymore. She only mumbles in a whisper.

 

So I lost it. I cried before I got home, but as I got closer I tried to clear up my eyes and not let my husband see me crying. But then when dinner was over and we sat down to watch tv, I signed on here and just started crying.

 

He always asks me "why are you crying?" so my response yesterday was "I dont know do I have any reason to cry?". I didnt mean to be mean to him, he is the best, but I am tired of pretending I am okay. Last year was horrible with my dad declining and dying this past April, now mom is in her last stage, who knows for how long. Then I will have to face the reality that I have lost my parents.

 

Even now I feel like I already lost my parents.

 

Last week I was on top of a mountain and I wanted to call somebody and share the excitement. It hit me that I can no longer call my parents and hear their excited voice as they lived the moment with me. I searched through my phone to find someone. I called my brother and he was busy. So I called my in-laws. They were happy, but why cant I have parents to call. My dad was only 82, my mom is only 79.

 

I am just tired. I feel as if I am riding on an electrical walkway and moving right along. I want to stop and cry and let everyone know that I am not okay. I miss my dad. I miss my mom. I am so scared of having to watch my mom die like I had to do with my dad. I am only 50. People usually have their parents until their 60's.

 

My husband tells me that whenever I read something that makes me sad that I just need to put it aside and not let it get to me. People just dont understand. It is not about anything making me sad, the sadness is inside me.   I know with time things get better, but nothing will bring my parents back so that pain will always live with me.


Beth in Indiana
Posted: Thursday, January 12, 2012 1:37 PM
Joined: 12/21/2011
Posts: 95


Hi -  have you talked with social workers at all?  Or your hubby about your fear of feeling alone when both parents are gone?  I hope he gives you a chance to know you'll be OK.  You have your own family who will support you as you begin a new life and carry on, as both your parents would no doubt want you to do. 

 

Maybe some type of activity could help you, like planting a tree in your father's name, or helping with some actitivity of your Mothers'?  I know nothing helps me beat the blues faster than helping someone else out.  You both feel good in the end. 

 

I've felt the seemingly unending sadness.  I believe it's something you have to work through but everyone's different.  Exercise (I know it sounds clinche') and helping ohers has lifted my spirits more than once.  I also know it can seem never ending with a burden on your shoulders.  You do that best you can and start over the next day.  I've also had my spells of crying (feels like 5 +years some days).  Remember to take care of you too - a favorite activity you enjoy (and LET yourself enjoy it) perhaps?  I'm tired of being sad!  

 

In a way, your hubby is a little right.  You can distract yourself sometimes from the sadness, at least for a little while.

 

My money's on you - work hard for yourself.

 

Take care -


VKB
Posted: Thursday, January 12, 2012 2:56 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 3688


Sadinheart,

 

I hear you.  Yes, no one else can understand unless they have gone through it.  My own father died when I was sixteen; I was in shock.  My stepfather(kidney and heart trouble) and mother who had dementia both died in 2011.  So now all my parents are gone.  I miss them very much. 

 

It is good for you to vent your feelings anytime you need to here where we can support you.  It is okay and normal to be sad, so sad that you can't stand it.  Mourning loss takes so much time and energy.  Your father only died last April and your mother is in the last stage of AD, so I'm not surprised you are still having a rough time of if.

 

All I can say is each day to find something relaxing and enjoyable to do, distracting enough to take your mind off the sadness for awhile.  Walk, exercise, do crafts, visit friends, take up a new, exciting hobby, etc.  You may not feel like doing these things, but every time you do, you will feel a bit stronger. 

 

Just remember some days will be harder than others, but that doesn't mean things won't get better. I have the feeling that you are a lot stronger than you think. 

 

I prayed for you.  God's peace, Veronica

 

 


VKB
Posted: Monday, January 16, 2012 8:50 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 3688


Sadinheart,  Thinking of you this morning.  Wondering how you are.  Veronica
SadinHeart
Posted: Wednesday, January 18, 2012 11:29 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 403


Hi Veronica

 

Thank you so much for following up on me. I tried to reply yesterday but the reply button was not an option so I waited until lunch time today and there it is.

 

I am doing ok, moving right along. I get to visit mom this weekend. It is wonderful and it is sad. I hate to see her like that. She was always such a get up and go kind of person and now she just sits there and stares at us.

 

I planned a get away cruise with my husband and in-laws. I need a week away from reality. A cruise is very relaxing. I love to just sit and look at the ocean.

 

Since it comes out of South Florida, I get to see mom the day I leave and spend the weekend with her the day I come back, so it works out just as if I was coming back home, but I get to see her two weekends in a row. I wish mom could go with us

 

I hate how things have turned out. I had so many plans with mom going on trips with us and now

 

 


scan3102
Posted: Monday, January 23, 2012 11:26 PM
Joined: 1/23/2012
Posts: 3


So sad, I can fill for you.My mom is 86 with alz.it is so sad and hard to watch her go down and watch my 88 year old father take care of her.We all try to help dad. My mom is so depress, and can't understand why she can't remember things. Not even her children sometime. She is always telling us she is tired and ready for God to take her. She says she is no good for anyone.  She wants to be with her parents and sisters and brothers. She is the last of nine. what do you say?
CDiane
Posted: Wednesday, January 25, 2012 8:30 PM
Joined: 1/25/2012
Posts: 3


Dear Sadin:

 

My Mom died January 11th, 2012.  I read your post and know first hand the pain you are feeling and know that your brain must be so overwhelmed and you must be so tired.  My Mom had Alzheimer's for ten years and I knew in my heart the end was near but still was not ready for it.

 

I was with my father and two of my five siblings when she passed - it took her 47 minutes to take her last breath.  It was horrible to watch, and never in a million years did I think it would be the way it was.  When she took her last breath, it was a long sigh and she was gone.  Prior to that she took small short inhalations, opened her eyes at one point and tried to say she loved us.

 

What I have to say to people who don't get it, don't understand that this pain is so deep, is you need to educate yourself and obtain the tools to take care of the caregivers in your life.  I am lucky to have support in my life and others I can talk with and cannot imagine having to deal with people who simply don't get it.

 

I took care of my Mom for the last four years of her disease and decided in the beginning I would meet her where she was at.  She did not remember me or my siblings, or her friends.  I learned to live in the moment when I was around her and through to the end she had her wonderful sense of humor.  We could still read her facial expressions and laughter even though her words sounded like a different language only she knew.

 

What I did not expect in the end was to have to mourn two people; the person my Mom was with the disease and the Mom who didn't have the disease for 64 or her 74 years.  Had I known this, I think I would have taken more time for myself, talked to a specialist for myself early on and dealt with the grief of losing my "well Mom" as I took care of my "sick Mom."  It has only been two weeks since my Mom's passing and I miss her soooo much and I knew the emotional healing would be difficult and just expected to cry whenever I needed to...and I do.  What I didn't expect was the physical aspect of her loss.  My body doesn't seem to want to cooperate in the healing process; my brain is working in slow motion and i am a different person altogether.

 

I wish you good health, strong moments as the waves of grief come over you, a strong support system and the ability to do what you need to do for yourself.


Kathio
Posted: Tuesday, January 31, 2012 5:03 PM
Joined: 1/28/2012
Posts: 5


I'm so sorry for you.  I'm in the same boat (almost).  I am their main POA, my mom has Alz., my father has just had a stroke.......On top of a million health problems that put him in a wheelchair.

 

I seem to cry all of the time - the rest of the time I want to sleep.  I"ve lost weight and gone on antidepressants.  No help there.

 

Our 50's are suppose to be the best years of our lives.  All I've seen is death.  First my father-in -law, then mother in law, now my parents are going.  What else is there to do but cry?


MrsG
Posted: Friday, February 10, 2012 3:14 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 47


I understand this so well. Having to be "ok" all the time is very tiresome when there are days I just want to crawl under my covers in bed and cry till I have no tears left. I tell my hubby I feel like an orphan now with both parents gone. Mom passed on 1/9 and still days that I catch myself rushing home to get there before the aide leaves. Then it hits me, no need to rush. Or I will be planning dinner and thinking I need to make 2 meals one for us and 1 mom can eat.........again, no need.

 

It is hard. Mom was with me until she was no longer conscience. The last stage of this disease still caught me off guard.

 

Please take care of yourself. No amount of preparation helps. It still hurts to watch our LO go thru this and finally pass.

 

One thing that I find comfort in is that mom no longer is suffering from this disease. She is whole again.

 

Take time to for yourself to feel the grief and loss. There is no need to hide those feelings all the time. Find some time for just yourself. You are in my prayers.

 

Always, one day at a time, make it thru that moment. It is just that. a moment in passing.


OMNI461
Posted: Sunday, February 19, 2012 5:57 PM
Joined: 12/20/2011
Posts: 84


SadinHeart--it is hard to read this knowing your mom passed away shortly after this post. We had ongoing plans to be with them and then they are gone and so are the plans. It feels odd.

 

CDiane--your experience sounds similar to mine, except my mom took 12 hours to take her last breath and it was not as expected. The first three times we took her off the breathing machine she crashed in 15 minutes, then when we did it for the last time she lived 12 more hours.

 

I too am finding myself grieving for two people at once...the person my mom was before AD and my mom at the end. It feels like I have lost two people at once. It really is hard to explain. I knew I should have been grieving my mom when she was diagnosed with AD...but how can you when she is still alive? And I was the responsible person for everything...for both parents (my dad had AD too). You never get a chance to breathe or take it in. Now I am dealing with the grief of losing "both" moms at once.

 

I wish us all strength as we continue this journey.

 


pbp214
Posted: Monday, March 26, 2012 5:41 AM
Joined: 3/25/2012
Posts: 4


MrsG wrote:

I understand this so well. Having to be "ok" all the time is very tiresome when there are days I just want to crawl under my covers in bed and cry till I have no tears left. I tell my hubby I feel like an orphan now with both parents gone. Mom passed on 1/9 and still days that I catch myself rushing home to get there before the aide leaves. Then it hits me, no need to rush. Or I will be planning dinner and thinking I need to make 2 meals one for us and 1 mom can eat.........again, no need.

 

It is hard. Mom was with me until she was no longer conscience. The last stage of this disease still caught me off guard.

 

Please take care of yourself. No amount of preparation helps. It still hurts to watch our LO go thru this and finally pass.

 

One thing that I find comfort in is that mom no longer is suffering from this disease. She is whole again.

 

Take time to for yourself to feel the grief and loss. There is no need to hide those feelings all the time. Find some time for just yourself. You are in my prayers.

 

Always, one day at a time, make it thru that moment. It is just that. a moment in passing.


I lost my dad last Monday... and the first round of phone calls of "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss" have pretty much come to a close.... but now, it's the calls and texts of "are you ok?"  I dread it every time I receive the calls or texts or emails. Now, don't get me wrong.... I love the fact that so many are looking out for me....... but as we know, it gets to a point that you don't want to hear it anymore... and you don't want to sound "short" to anyone that is extending their hand and heart.  As noted..... taking time to deal with the grief,for me, will be key.  Although a hectic life I lead, I will make  dang sure I find that time.... otherwise,I can feel my dad, reaching down from above,giving me a dope slap and saying "I'm fine now... time to take care of you".

 

I'd better listen to him.

 

Phyl


SadinHeart
Posted: Saturday, March 31, 2012 5:43 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 403


I agree. My parents are now together in heaven and they are probably saying the same. They were very down to earth and very realistic, so they are probably hoping that we enjoy whatever life we have left and move on.

 

It is still sad for me when I think of not having my parents anymore.

 

My eyes water every time people ask "are you ok". It is not as much now, people move on and expect you to do the same. So I just keep to myself the pain and show a different part of me to the world.


Tiger
Posted: Saturday, April 7, 2012 9:44 AM
Joined: 3/30/2012
Posts: 11


I know what you mean..I used to be able to talk to my Mom about anything that was going on in my life, and would give me advice or just be there for me.  I would call my Mom up all the time.  The difference is presently that my Mom is still at home and so far, is okay during the day when I am at work, though we had to turn the stove off by the switch box, otherwise still functions okay.  Someone usually comes in 3 times a week to be with her during the day. 

 

After reading your post, I know that the way you feel is the way I am going to feel.  I partially feel that way right now, because my Mom does not remember anything that was said 2 minutes later.  I cannot have a real conversation with Mom like I used to, and as I am typing this I too am crying... 

 

I know this is only going to worse for her....and I think I am in denial of that or just don't want to deal with it...even though I do.   I don't want to think of my Mom not being able to communicate with anyone...it hurts me so much, and feel so helpless knowing that there is not a thing we can do to stop this from happening.

 

 


SadinHeart
Posted: Sunday, April 8, 2012 7:38 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 403


Saturday I woke up and looked at the date - April 7. That was the day my dad's caregiver called and said dad was no longer able to swallow. April 7, 2011. I dropped everything and headed down to South Florida to be with them. I stayed with him those 12 long days until he passed.
dayn2nite
Posted: Sunday, April 8, 2012 10:39 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097


I was taking a nap today before work, had set my alarm to wake me at 3:45 pm.  I woke up without the alarm and looked at the clock--3:06, exactly 7 days to the moment from when mom died.
dayn2nite
Posted: Sunday, April 15, 2012 4:52 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097


Today I'm tired of being okay.  I finally looked at some pictures I had taken of me holding my mom's hand the day before she died (which I'm using for my avatar) and I totally lost it.  I just laid in bed and kept saying "I miss you mom" over and over.  At least I had the dogs to hug.

 

Tomorrow I need to pick up her things from the NH.  That will be another upheaval.  I know this is supposed to be "normal" but it hurts so much.


SadinHeart
Posted: Sunday, April 15, 2012 5:20 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 403


dayn2nite, I know how you feel. It's what I have said before, it's not about seeing something or hearing something, the pain is inside. Sometimes it is very hard to ignore it.

 

Friday at work I thought of my parents and started crying. I was hoping nobody would call me or come to see me in my office. I dont want to have to explain to anyone why am I crying.

 

 


cate
Posted: Tuesday, April 17, 2012 3:02 PM
Joined: 3/23/2012
Posts: 1


we don't give ourselves time to grieve anymore. back in the day, we wore black and didn't go to social events/etc, etc for an extended period of time. now we're expected back at work as soon as the funeral is over. 

 

 it's been 2 years since dad died, mom is doing ok (forgotten dad ever existed, sometimes even calls me by name) - and I still want to crawl in bed and shut out the world.  to just quit acting like everything is ok and this slow decline and loss isn't heartbreaking.


SadinHeart
Posted: Tuesday, April 17, 2012 5:35 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 403


cate wrote:

we don't give ourselves time to grieve anymore. back in the day, we wore black and didn't go to social events/etc, etc for an extended period of time. now we're expected back at work as soon as the funeral is over. 

 

 it's been 2 years since dad died, mom is doing ok (forgotten dad ever existed, sometimes even calls me by name) - and I still want to crawl in bed and shut out the world.  to just quit acting like everything is ok and this slow decline and loss isn't heartbreaking.

 

I do not follow those old traditions of wearing black and not listening to music. Black is my favorite color and I wear it a lot anyways, but a color does not show my feelings about the loss of my parents. My feelings are in my heart.

 

Music is soothing, especially jazz, so I have actually sat to listen to Sade and cried like a baby thinking of my parents, so again, nothing can take away the pain inside.


dayn2nite
Posted: Tuesday, April 17, 2012 6:43 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097


I was given 3 whole days to "grieve" and then back to work (like everyone else)!  Sure, I'll come back to work--I don't give a rat's behind about what I'm doing, though.  I just appear, go through the motions.

 

I think I was numb at first.  Over the weekend I seem to be crashing.  I woke up today and feel like hell.


SadinHeart
Posted: Wednesday, April 18, 2012 5:49 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 403


dayn2nite wrote:

I was given 3 whole days to "grieve" and then back to work (like everyone else)!  Sure, I'll come back to work--I don't give a rat's behind about what I'm doing, though.  I just appear, go through the motions.

 

I think I was numb at first.  Over the weekend I seem to be crashing.  I woke up today and feel like hell.

That's how it is at first, you feel numb, you just go through the motions, but the pain inside is so strong that it feels as if you just dont care. I compared it to being on an electric walkway. I felt as if I was just moving along, but another force was moving me, not that I wanted to move. What keeps me sane is making future plans. It gives me something to look forward to.