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farawaydaughter
Posted: Wednesday, August 8, 2012 10:17 AM
Joined: 4/19/2012
Posts: 414


I got a pedicure yesterday. I needed a "treat". The entire time I wanted to tell another client about my parents passing, I wanted to tell my pedicurist that my parents died, that I had 2 funerals in 3 days, that dad told mom "I'll see you soon" and died 7 hours later..............So I know "that" feeling. ........It was a surreal and a very dramatic ending ......losing both in 4 days. It feels like a weight, the "story" and how it unfolded...........Gee.........Dad died on a Sat. THE day of mom's funeral, and Mom died on a Tues. which was THE day of my dads funeral one week later. .......So every Tues, and Sat is marked by both of them..........

 

I do tear up here and there. But no major cry. Hearing of my moms suffering for years, broken bones each year for 3 years, her ALZ. ........her arthritis.....her little 95 yr. old body had had enough. ........I don't miss her, I feel that she is with me all the time. .......seems she visits me via nature.......and the one happy fuzzy faux flower I brought home with me (I had sent her a "bouquet" of these really cute velvet flowers that I found this year at the dollar store, to try and cheer up her environment). I feel she is with me.

 

I can still hear dad in my head his voice.

 

The last words mom spoke to me and it was a couple of months before she died were......Hi xxxx, I love you.......in this ever so tiny weak voice...dad was amazed she spoke at all on the phone.....and the last words my dad said to me were I love you......hours before he died.

 

Guess I am rambling. ........thanks for listening......farawaydaughter

 

 


KML
Posted: Wednesday, August 8, 2012 10:50 AM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


farawaydaughter:

 

I hear you.  You have had an incredible amount of loss all at the same time and so much to process, that's a lot for one person to carry around with them.

 

I want to tell people, too, about my dad passing.  All that happened before his death.  I feel like I'm looking for a hug or understanding and I feel embarrassed about that, like I'm looking for sympathy or comfort or something, but it's actually looking for understanding and maybe guidance towards resolution and understanding of what's happened to our loved ones and to us.  These feelings have  a tendency to spill out of me and it's not pretty and not for the faint of heart.

 

We have lot inside of us, a lot of feelings and emotions we don't quite know what to do with, a lot of hurt, sadness and pain and we need to let it out.  So I think it's very good to talk to people who are understanding, who want to hear you.

 

I'm very glad you are doing things to treat yourself, that's healing.  Keep taking care of yourself, the process of grieving is long.


MLB61
Posted: Wednesday, August 8, 2012 2:11 PM
Joined: 12/2/2011
Posts: 726


Dear Faraway -- You went through a traumatic experience.  If someone wrote that in a movie, they would say it was not believable.  It must have been strange to return home and get "back to normal".  How do you do that?  Of course you want to talk to people about what you just went through.

 

I want to talk to people about it, but I even feel funny bringing it up with my friends.  It seems like it is "old news" to everyone else.  Well, it is not old news to us.  It is still so fresh.  You can ramble here all you want.  We'll listen.


farawaydaughter
Posted: Wednesday, August 8, 2012 6:35 PM
Joined: 4/19/2012
Posts: 414


Thank you KML. I guess, it feels to me that if I tell "the story" the weight of it will lessen, but so far it hasn't. Reliving it doesn't feel that good either. I just need "time" for it to fade to a level of acceptability.........and yes only time will do that.

 

Thank you MLB61, I agree it does feel like a movie scene. For me the biggest and most poignant scene was turning the corner to go into moms visitation room and see my dad on an ambulance stretcher next to the coffin of my mom.........that literally and physically spun me around.........I remember the funeral lady standing right there, and telling her "this is HARD" and then taking a very deep breath, turning around and walking down the aisle to dad and mom.........who knew the "dramatic movie" would continue after that?? But it did.

 

Do you know I laugh every time I tell the "movie story"? It is just too...big...too over the top...unreal....surrealistic.....that I laugh......because it is incredulous to me.

 

Actually coming back home has been good. Being with my bouncy happy medically ill dog has been good.

 

I do agree that all of us, that go through "the end" with our parents are forever affected. I guess until others go through it, it just seems like a normal acceptable thing to have gone through.

 

I know it sounds like a great "love story" ending, but the deal is...in real life I didn't see this giant love between the 2 of them, no touching, no kindnesses, etc. He was a rigid selfish demanding man. So for him to have this love story ending sure confuses the heck out of me.

 

How are you 2 doing?


KML
Posted: Thursday, August 9, 2012 10:51 AM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


I'm going up and down.  I have the added displeasure of running the last month of my dad's life in my head.  The last two weeks, he and I had harsh words with each other out of frustration, neither one of us knew what was happening to him, even though I took him to three different doctors to address three different problems, trying to figure out what was going on.  He was very uncomfortable and was calling for help 24/7, couldn't sleep, medications were not working.  For 13 years I took care of my dad in one form or another, was careful to do all the things necessary to keep him going and healthy.  I thought I knew enough and would see signs of him dying.  I didn't see it coming, the signs I was looking for didn't happen, but other signs I didn't know anything about were there.   I see them now that I've read more about the dying process and I feel so bad because I could have insisted on hospice sooner so he could have had comfort much sooner.  I did set up hospice, but he passed away before the first shift of continuous care nurses could start, he passed away before the pain medication had a chance to kick in.  I felt let down by the care facility, by his NP, my sibling for not visiting, and I'm angry at myself.  I'm trying hard to work through those feelings and to forgive myself for my shortcomings.   People tell me get over it, you don't have anything to feel angry at yourself about.  I'm trying to come to terms with that.

 

So for me, I'm dealing with guilt on top of the loss.  But, in reading about grief, I'm seeing that guilt feelings are normal, we all feel we should have been able to stop a death when in reality, we can't. 

 

Farandaway, I'm reading a book on grief it's called On Grief and Grieving.  Someone here on the boards mentioned it and I ordered it from Amazon.  Everything we are all talking about and feeling are in the book.  To me it is comforting to know that these feelings, this process is well documented, what we feel is very normal, it is the process of grieving and that is what is happening to us.  I would recommend this book to anyone struggling and grieving.  It is helping me just by the fact that everything I feel is pretty much talked about in the book.  It's like someone else speaking for me and describing my thoughts and feelings.  To me reading this book is comforting. 

 

 

 


dayn2nite
Posted: Thursday, August 9, 2012 2:40 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097


I'm very lucky, the only real guilt I've had is having to place mom in the first place, but in my head I know it was necessary.  I guess she had a "good" death as far as deaths go.  I still have grief, of course, and it's about missing her and what happened to her with this disease.  I don't even grieve what I went through--it's all about her.  I also realized yesterday I don't even wonder "why" - just feel horrible that she had to go through all of that.

 

Unbelievably, I am a better person because of my experience with this disease, so I'm sure this was something I was meant to go through.  I am much more patient, I am more aware of people with dementia and those who care for them, and I think I finally experienced a truly unconditional love (like one would have for a child) for my mother. 

 

I know we are talking about our parents, but I still feel like they become so incapacitated for such a long time they turn into our children.  A death under these circumstances feels like a child dying.


farawaydaughter
Posted: Thursday, August 9, 2012 3:27 PM
Joined: 4/19/2012
Posts: 414


KML for 13 years you kept him going and alive. You were so busy doing that I don't think you really had time to prepare or even time to think about that at some point there would be nothing left that you could do and make peace with that thought. Letting go after all that time must have been an impossible thought.

 

Even the "professionals" can't see all the dying symptoms. They gave my mom 2 weeks on hospice, then 5 days later they said 2 days, she was gone the very next day.

 

You protected him for so very long, and made 100's of good decisions for him. You did the very best you could with what you knew. We can't save them from death. I sure hope you can stop that recording in your head about the last month. I don't know your situation with your siblings, nor the reasons they did not visit.

 

Being a "sibling" I know my reasons for what I did. My sis and bro currently hate me. And they let me know it the entire time I was there. They both seem to easily forget I spent 4 1/2 years trying to help the parents there. No one would listen to me. Sis never asked for help, ever. I was asked to "visit", and that was all. I didn't have the finances to just "visit", nor did I have any help with my medically needy dog. I had one shot with one vet, and I didn't have multiple times that I could use this vet to care for my dog. I had only one. My brother told me "you picked your dog over your parents".....ouch, and not true. My dad understood this dilemma I had, he was not upset or angry at me. It is they that have the problem.

 

I have to admit I hesitate posting here, as I am "the sibling". I was not the hands on care giver. But did I care? Oh my, deeply. I put a lot of thought & love in every letter, gift, and phone call I made to my parents. I suffered right along with my mother when I knew she was suffering, I empathized with dad and (was very frustrated) with his own denial of the reality of the situation. I hurt in my heart for mom when dad and sis kept pushing her to "get better" after every fall/broken bone. I hurt when they kept her moving when she was just plain tired and deserved to rest. I so wished they would let mom just "be"...........

 

I hope you can let go of the guilt, or come to terms with it.

 

I am more of a talker or writer than a reader of books. We all do this differently. I hope to find a group in real life, or at least a good counselor soon. So far the SW I got here was horrible and will not be helpful to me.

 

I come from the other side of the coin. That is why I am not sure I should be here on this forum. I am the hated sibling.

 

dayn2nite, I personally applaud you for placing your mom. You knew your limits, and you knew she needed a "village" to take care of her. One person can not be an entire village. You had to "let go" and let others do, and then you could become just "the daughter" again. The daughter to just love her, talk to her, be with her as a daughter.

 

I apologize if anyone is offended by anything I said. That is not my intentions at all. And tell me if you don't think I should be here, that I don't belong here. We are all grieving and I don't want to make anyone feel worse than they already do. But I am "the other side of the coin", a faraway sibling.

 

 

 


KML
Posted: Thursday, August 9, 2012 4:14 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


faraway:

 

Yes, you absolutely belong here. You are not the hated sibling, you are a caring soul like the rest of us here.   I am a sibling, too,  my sibling does not have glowing reviews for me, either, actually she tells me her thoughts about me and it's not glowing.  I am so sorry if my mentioning my sibling was offensive.  Your situation is definitely not the same situation with my sibling.   My sibling was 1 mile away from my father, but felt dealing with him to be unpleasant and made the choice not visit but once a month or every two months.  So definitely not a similar situation. 

 

Your posts display only love and caring for your parents.

 

I will need to be more careful how I phrase my thoughts.  It bothers me a lot that I have upset you.

 

I didn't make 100% correct decisions with my dad, I was often cranky and tired, I sure was not perfect, although I wanted to be, I wasn't, no way could I be. 

 

I will try and be more sensitive with how I phrase my thoughts.  Again, I apologize for upsetting you. 

 

You belong here, all our situations are different, but the common thread is we care, we lost someone important to us, and we're grieving.  This forum is not about siblings, it's about people who care, people who are grieving, people who are looking for support, and people dealing with a variety of unique and not so unique situations.  We all belong here.

 

I guess, maybe, this is a good wakeup call for me to get past the sibling issue I have, which goes much deeper than my father.  I'm working on it but my feelings rear its ugly head and I sure didn't intend to offend, but I can see where it is sensitive.  I am sorry. I was just talking about my experience, and you are not the flip side of a coin, you are caring person.

 


farawaydaughter
Posted: Thursday, August 9, 2012 4:49 PM
Joined: 4/19/2012
Posts: 414


KML

do not.....I repeat do not feel that you offended me in any way! oh my that was not even in my mind!

 

It is that everyone here that I see are hands on caregivers. I wasn't. I see many folks rant about the uncaring, unhelpful sibling. It is my own issue when I read those.

 

Which has been made worse by the way I was treated by my sibs the moment I got there, and continued for the 11 days I was there!!! They treated me like dirt, my sis is now treating me as if I am not a daughter of the parents at all. I got a thank you note from her, and in it she wrote "thank you for talking to folks at the funeral and at the funeral events".............HUH? Then she wrote "the cousins were happy to see you"........HUH? The cousins hadn't seen her either!!!! She is treating me like I was a distant relative. It is just crazy!!!! She acts like she is the only "child".

 

My sibs are truly angry at me.

 

I agree there is a difference between a sib 1 mile away, and me 2500 miles away!

Please don't stop sharing any feelings you have, please. I am just having a hard time being the hated sibling in my family.

 

In fact I was (or felt) attacked by one lady at my moms visitation. She let me know that she didn't like me, etc.........because I wasn't there through all of moms illness. She in fact is what I call a "vulture" she has been circling around my parents and sis, trying to "belong" to the group of friends my parents had.

 

She came over to me and said "your mother was not in a lot of pain"......I said "oh she was in a lot of pain", she argued back, "your mother was not in a lot of pain".......I said AGAIN....."mom was in a lot of pain".......she said "how would you know, you weren't here".........omg..........I looked her squarely in the face and said "SHE WAS MY MOTHER, I KNOW"......and walked out......before I decked her. I wanted to, but didn't.
 



MLB61
Posted: Thursday, August 9, 2012 4:50 PM
Joined: 12/2/2011
Posts: 726


KML -- I shouldn't speak for faraway, but I don't think that she was offended.  I think she is asking whether this is the right place for her.  I think that it is.  We all have different experiences.  We learn from one another.  We all lost parents that we cared deeply about or we wouldn't be on here trying to work through our grief. 

 

Faraway and KML -- I am so sorry that you are both having sibling issues.  I can hear the hurt in both of your words.  I'm lucky that my long distance sister and I still get along.  I think it is very common for siblings to have conflicts when dealing with ailing and dying parents.


MLB61
Posted: Thursday, August 9, 2012 4:51 PM
Joined: 12/2/2011
Posts: 726


Sorry faraway...  It looks like we posted at just about the same time.
dayn2nite
Posted: Thursday, August 9, 2012 4:51 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097


FAD, you certainly DO belong here!!!!  You haven't offended anyone.  There really isn't anything anybody could say that's offensive here.  It's all grief so it'll all be jumbled up.  And it doesn't matter where you lived, all I know is you were up worrying about your parents and trying to understand what was going on when information wasn't being shared with you.

 

You also have a very significant loss--both parents.  It really is surreal.  I can't even imagine.

 

STAY HERE.  Don't go anywhere!!!  And try calling a nearby funeral home.  They always have grief and loss groups going and usually it involves all ages/relationships to the deceased.

 

I've just read about the funeral and associated "events".  How horrible you were treated so badly.  Awful.  And how your sister minimized your care for them.

 

I didn't see her posting here asking questions, did I.  No.  It was YOU.  And you were worrying.  That's caring.


farawaydaughter
Posted: Thursday, August 9, 2012 4:58 PM
Joined: 4/19/2012
Posts: 414


(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((group)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

ok group hug given and received........smile.


dayn2nite
Posted: Thursday, August 9, 2012 5:01 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097


And KML, I've posted before I had mom on hospice for a year and she was failing, yet until the chaplain asked me if I wanted her to have Last Rites 2 days before her death it didn't dawn on me she was dying.

 

I knew she hadn't eaten in 2 days.  I knew the nurse said it seemed like she had a cardiac event.  I knew she was in her bed and not in her wheelchair downstairs.

 

But it never occurred to me that death was coming.

 

There was no way for you to know, seriously.


KML
Posted: Thursday, August 9, 2012 5:02 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


Okay, glad I didn't say anything insensitive.  I'm on heightened sensitivity these days and I really could use a nap 

 

I'm glad we all have each other to be able to talk to.  I don't find it easy to do that on the outside.

 

I'm happy you're all here.

 

p.s.  dayn2nite:  I know you told me this before about not knowing, my head is a bit thick and it takes me a while to forgive myself for anything or perceiving something I need to be forgiven for.  I know you are right, therapist told me the same thing.  I've a bad habit I picked up, self-punishment, I'm working on it.

 


dayn2nite
Posted: Thursday, August 9, 2012 5:09 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097


farawaydaughter wrote:

I got a thank you note from her, and in it she wrote "thank you for talking to folks at the funeral and at the funeral events".............HUH? Then she wrote "the cousins were happy to see you"........HUH? The cousins hadn't seen her either!!!! She is treating me like I was a distant relative. It is just crazy!!!! She acts like she is the only "child".

 

 


 


First of all, if my brother had called and expressed some interest or been able to talk about information he discovered about mom (instead he would only talk about money), I would have been grateful.  So you should have been my sister.

 

Second, my mom has 2 sisters who are much older than she.  One is 84 and one is 82 (mom was 70).  There was no way in hell I'd expect them to fly here, they both have big medical problems.  I received a heartfelt email and card from my aunt in California thanking me for everything and expressing how sad she was that her baby sister was gone.

 

The other aunt, who never believed mom had dementia and merely needed to walk 5 miles every day, sent a card that said inside "Thanks for letting me know, you are in my thoughts"  and signed it.  LIKE A ROBOT. 

 

That's the same aunt who I stopped talking to because she said my emails about mom's health status (sent every 4-6 months) were "depressing" to her.

 

Relatives are awful sometimes.


dayn2nite
Posted: Thursday, August 9, 2012 5:13 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097


And FAD, your sister did not appreciate you the way she should have.  She preferred to be the martyr, sacrificing herself.  Look at the Caregivers' Board--how many of those people say they have NOBODY to talk to. 

 

What I wouldn't have given to be able to call someone like you just to talk about what was going on and share information.

 

It's very sad, I hope you aren't planning to go back there anytime soon.


farawaydaughter
Posted: Thursday, August 9, 2012 5:29 PM
Joined: 4/19/2012
Posts: 414


dayn2nite I can't tell you how worried and frustrated I have been for over 3 years. Sis never told me that either parent had been diagnosed with ALZ. It was all just an "accepted old age dementia".......he** if I had known I would have been on this board ages ago!!!! I had to point blank ask her what kind of dementia my parents had, and that was only after I found this board and found out there were different kinds!!!!

 

She has been vague and evasive all this time. The only times I heard about (the really bad times) were when I would catch dad without sis being around, and he would blurt out things.........horrible things were going on in that house......she never said a word to me.

 

As a friend who has read some of my sis's emails.......well my friend said that sis treated the parents like a business.

 

She never complained. She never asked for help. She likes control, and if I showed up it would "disturb" her "business".

 

She basically threw me out of the house. Heck her and bro were demanding to know when I was going to leave, ON THE MORNING OF MY DADS FUNERAL!!! Comments such as "when are you leaving, don't you have to get back to your DOG?" Don't you need to leave asap for your DOG?".........OMG.

 

I joke about her changing the locks on the house, she thinks it is her empire/castle now.

 

I have no plans to visit .........but I may have to, to get the "memory" items I want.

 

But I don't need to tell her when I come. I have as much right to that house as she does.

 

All I heard from sis and bro was MONEY MONEY MONEY. They were going to take care of the estate all by themselves you see. And let me know AFTERWARDS. I put my foot down and made sis call the lawyer. Now I am the bad sib for doing the correct thing.

 

It really is super nuts.......


farawaydaughter
Posted: Thursday, August 9, 2012 5:42 PM
Joined: 4/19/2012
Posts: 414


dayn2nite I hear you on that aunt who had her head in the sand all this time.

 Welcome to my family. I blame dad for it. Then I blame sis, then bro.

 

I love my dad, but he was ever so wrong because of his denial. Denial is a terrible way to live.

 

At least you had one aunt that was human, and forget about robot aunt. Her loss.

 

I wish I had you folks taking care of mom, I would have been right there for you, on the phone, emails, ideas, or just an ear to listen........

 

 

Example........about 2 months ago I had a talk with bro, I was begging him to stop dad from driving. With Acute leukemia, he had been fainting, I was terrified. Bro's response? "He only drives 2-3 miles to the Y so it is ok"............HUH????? Dad could have killed someone! The river DE-NILE was wide and aplenty in my family.


KML
Posted: Thursday, August 9, 2012 5:47 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


I'm really sorry for how your siblings are treating you.   It's not right and they should be happy you cared about your parents and gave your parents happiness.  It's weird what motivates some people to be mean.

 

My sister scolded me at the memorial service, twice, once privately and once in front of everyone, and the day after.  Anytime, really when the opportunity comes up, she takes a pop at me especially when I have a different viewpoint and sibling particularly enjoys doing it in front of others, guess it gives her a sense of power and superiority.   I'm doing an awful lot of reading this summer and one of the books is about how to gently defend yourself from verbal attacks, figure it would help me in dealing with my sister.  Not exactly fun reading but I'm getting tired of the jabs and I want to deflect them and not give any validation to the jabs.

 

Unfortunately, many of us have people like this in our families. 

 

I'm trying to learn to let go of this, it's not easy, and move on to the more important issues of grieving the loss and readjusting to life but the garbage family can stir up really can get in the way.

 


farawaydaughter
Posted: Thursday, August 9, 2012 6:22 PM
Joined: 4/19/2012
Posts: 414


KML

yep, I am in the same sinking ship as you are with siblings. I too want to just make a new life for myself, respectfully mourn my parents, and just go on. But the continuous grief from sis is just taking up too much space in my mind.

 

Your sis sounds horrid. I hope that you can learn some new skills that will deflate her cruel harassment of you, it is quite empowering to deflate their balloon. And it doesn't take much once you know how. She (and my sis) are being a BULLY ok? Learn how to deflate a bully, and gal, you got it won!! I am rooting for you!!!

 

Worse yet? My sis is the Executor/Trustee. So I am glad I got the lawyer involved, though it has been suggested I hire my own attorney back there as well. Sigh.

 

I am a pretty strong person. But back there after yet another "civil" argument, I found myself shaking so bad, I barely could hold a cig.....any new issues that cropped up, I found that writing my thoughts/wishes down on paper and putting it on her computer was the only way I could cope/survive. I couldn't face/confront her. I would want to yell, and typical her would cry. It may have worked for the parents her crying but I am not affected by it.

 

Now if I have questions I call the lawyer, lol. Which ticks sis off to no end as the lawyer costs MONEY. But until she can talk to me and not down to me, I will continue to call the lawyer.

 

I had no idea how angry they were at me until I arrived. Nor did I have any idea they had already been making MONEY plans behind my back, let alone behind dads back while he was still ALIVE. Shame on them. And both are a heck of a lot richer than I, by millions I might add.

 

I have an appt. with an old counselor tomorrow, not sure how it will go. But I will survive this intact.........I sure hope I will that is.



dayn2nite
Posted: Thursday, August 9, 2012 8:46 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097


FAD, when you were posting when your parents were still alive, I definitely got the feeling your sister was holding everything to herself - but you know that's family so an outsider like me wouldn't say that OR I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and hoping she would be unlike so many of our siblings--but I see I was wrong.

 

Like I said, they didn't appreciate the gift you were offering - a sister who CARED and would listen and respond.  Isn't that sad.  I can tell you many of us would have adopted you as our sister so we could talk about the horror that was unfolding at least.  Your phone would have been ringing off the hook. 

 

Those of us who care (no matter how near or far) kind of end up holding the grief bag for some reason.  The bag never gets empty.  Let's open the bag, what's in here?  Oh MORE GRIEF, it never goes down.


I really hate the fact your family was asking you if you needed to go home to your doggie.  Again, lack of understanding of how important our pets can be.  I wouldn't even be alive without my mom's 2 dogs.  They have been the reason I get up.

 

A long time ago, I had told myself that when my mom died I would die too.  Then she died.  And I still have her dogs, I can't leave them.  So she left me 2 little kids I need to take care of.  And I march on.

 

Ugh!  Family!


dayn2nite
Posted: Thursday, August 9, 2012 8:48 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097


farawaydaughter wrote:

dayn2nite I hear you on that aunt who had her head in the sand all this time.

 Welcome to my family. I blame dad for it. Then I blame sis, then bro.  

 

I love my dad, but he was ever so wrong because of his denial. Denial is a terrible way to live.

 

At least you had one aunt that was human, and forget about robot aunt. Her loss.

 

I wish I had you folks taking care of mom, I would have been right there for you, on the phone, emails, ideas, or just an ear to listen........

 

 

Example........about 2 months ago I had a talk with bro, I was begging him to stop dad from driving. With Acute leukemia, he had been fainting, I was terrified. Bro's response? "He only drives 2-3 miles to the Y so it is ok"............HUH????? Dad could have killed someone! The river DE-NILE was wide and aplenty in my family.

About your dad--I actually had thought perhaps he had "chemo brain", where chemotherapy had affected his cognition.  Maybe that's why his judgment was impaired.

dayn2nite
Posted: Thursday, August 9, 2012 8:50 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097


KML wrote:

I'm really sorry for how your siblings are treating you.   It's not right and they should be happy you cared about your parents and gave your parents happiness.  It's weird what motivates some people to be mean.

 

My sister scolded me at the memorial service, twice, once privately and once in front of everyone, and the day after.  Anytime, really when the opportunity comes up, she takes a pop at me especially when I have a different viewpoint and sibling particularly enjoys doing it in front of others, guess it gives her a sense of power and superiority.   I'm doing an awful lot of reading this summer and one of the books is about how to gently defend yourself from verbal attacks, figure it would help me in dealing with my sister.  Not exactly fun reading but I'm getting tired of the jabs and I want to deflect them and not give any validation to the jabs.

 

Unfortunately, many of us have people like this in our families. 

 

I'm trying to learn to let go of this, it's not easy, and move on to the more important issues of grieving the loss and readjusting to life but the garbage family can stir up really can get in the way.

 

 

Maybe gently defending yourself isn't the way to go--maybe she needs a big karate chop in the neck.  Some people need that before they realize they shouldn't be abusing you emotionally.


farawaydaughter
Posted: Friday, August 10, 2012 3:03 AM
Joined: 4/19/2012
Posts: 414


MLB61 I am jealous that your sister and you get along. Out of respect to my parents I tried to get along with my sister. I bit my tongue a lot. When she took over caring for my parents, she never told me what was going on. I never realized she was taking over the house, yard, and contents as well.

 

I am happy for you, at least you don't have this grief on top of losing both your parents as well.

 

dayn2nite My father did not receive any treatment (chemo). The medical community doesn't treat this type of leukemia after the age of 65. He did get transfusions which helped a wee bit. In a way he was lucky, since he also had ALZ as well, but it was progressing slowly. The leukemia got him first. He willed himself to live until mom died, then he willed himself to live until I got there, he willed himself to see mom one more time at the funeral home with the 3 "children" there. Then he gave up....he wanted to be with mom.


KML
Posted: Friday, August 10, 2012 11:57 AM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


Karate chop, well, I have visions of being a ninja turtle  Sure do feel like doing that sometimes, but I just want to really learn to change myself and my reactions towards her.  I think in the long run that will be more satisfying to me and I think it will give me a sense of control over my life and feelings.  I have a lot of regrets in my life, and I don't want to make too much room for any more if possible. 

 

Even though I rant and rave, the thing is I still love my sister.  Which is why this all bothers me so much.   I think back to times when we connected better, some things she did for me were nice.   There were the annoyances, too.  Relationship fell apart when we had to make decisions together for our parents and parents needed more and more help.  We don't share the same viewpoints.  She is the princess of light and I am the princess of darkness.  She's very cheery and everything has to be happy all the time, I like to think I'm a realist (she thinks I'm a pessimist).   Before that, we were just ourselves, didn't get much insight into each other's personalities, weren't really very close, but could get along well enough.

 

Sister is not a person who likes unpleasant things and that just doesn't go well with Alzheimer's.  Plus we didn't have a storybook childhood and old wounds have carried on into our adulthood.  I forgave those wounds, I don't think she has.

 

It's a complicated and complex relationship.  I have been speaking with the counselor/therapist a lot about this.  I had intended to speak to her only about the grief and loss of my dad, but there's a lot of issues mixed up in there with my sister.

 

She's not actually horrid, she's different and a difficult person (she thinks the same about me) and at times I feel sorry for her.  I get upset, and annoyed but at the same time, I'm thinking there may be some personality disorders going on, too.

 

I can't change her, but I can change myself to hold myself up and learn the art of deflection, kind of like an emotional karate chop without hopefully inflicting any pain.  I just want to make my presence known and that I am worthy of respect and some lines, do not cross with me. 

 

I'm coming to realize that yeah, even though we are sisters, we don't fit into the sisterly love groove, we are two very different people, we may not be able to give each other what each one wants, and all I can say is thank goodness for very good friends who give us what we feel we should have with our siblings.  That is going to have to be enough for me.  I need to let go of my expectations of a close relationship, at this point, I'm expecting nothing less than civility, if more comes, that's nice, if it doesn't, I will deflect and try not to take it personally, because if any unkindness comes my way, it's about her issues and not mine.

 

Whew, that's a mouthful.

 


cowboys
Posted: Saturday, August 11, 2012 8:55 AM
Joined: 12/10/2011
Posts: 338


you had to get that out KML! thats good. My sister disowned all of us for blessing my mothers decision to place my dad in a SNF 4 years ago. She was emotionally and verbally abusive to mom on the phone, on several occasions I just had to pull the phone out of the jack! My mom would just sit there and take it.

 

Moving forward, at dad's death vigil she sat across the room my dad was in dying and was yelling at my mother. I jumped off of dad's bed and ran across the hall and told her to "Get the hell out of here or I was calling security!" she jumped up and practically spit in my face calling me a bitch. My poor mother finally saw her daughters true self. Sister told me she wasn't leaving but by the time I got back with the bouncers she was gone. ha!~ She has not spoken one word to my mother since dad died. She is a total and complete mental case! My brother and I are so glad she is out of our lives. My mother remains hurt and baffled by what has happened to her. I could care less, she is not the person I grew up with in any way.

Oh yeah, she is a super christian never misses a Sunday service! WAJ!!!!

 

 

Siblings like this....let em go. They are TOXIC, let it go.


dayn2nite
Posted: Saturday, August 11, 2012 12:33 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097


Cowboys, that's horrible.  Thank God I was lucky enough that my brother was civil when we were there together and frankly I was so focused on my mom I didn't give a rip whether he was there or not.

 

The only thing that bothers me is I told him what time I needed to leave to go to work and I was actually there past that time and he still wasn't there, as he is chronically late.  But I thought CERTAINLY with his mother on her deathbed he would try to be on time.  Nope.

 

I was there when she passed away.  After I had said goodbye and she took her last breath, I called him and he answers the phone "shellooooooooo" like he's playing around.  Really?  With your mother dying, you know your sister is there with her and you're answering like this.  Well okay.  So I yelled out "MOM PASSED AWAY!" and he says what? like it couldn't possibly happen without his presence.  Then he asked where the nurse was and I actually realized at that time I hadn't told anyone (I was alone with her) so I hung up with him and ran to find her.

 

He shows up and starts crying because he wasn't there I guess and I thought "oh well guess it was more important to be late" and then my sister-in-law arrives, breezes past me without a hello, go to hell or gee I'm sorry.  I left at that point because I knew my shock would wear off and I'd say something and cause a scene.


Imaa
Posted: Sunday, August 12, 2012 11:55 AM
Joined: 1/25/2012
Posts: 28


Hugs to you!!! I know the feeling that a loved one is with you.  It wonderful to feel their presence.  Blessings to you.