I've been on vacation with my family and haven't posted much recently, but I'm reading.  I have a slow internet connection at the hotel.

I must admit, the vacation that I planned for our family has been pretty challenging for me.  My husband and sons are enjoying this and that.  I can enjoy for a few hours and then suddenly something gets me down.  I don't want to be a downer...they're all used to me being teary here and there for the last few years and especially since my mom passed in January.  

Here's my problem: I can't stop "seeing" things through my mom's "lenses" for lack of better term...her point of view I guess.  We went to one winery in Napa (we're not wine drinkers really) and instead of just enjoying the experience, the thought crept in my mom would have loved this place, she would have tasted this wine, etc.  These last 2 days we've been in San Francisco, and my thoughts keep going to when my mom took me here in high school.  She planned out this awesome adventure, and we had a great time together.  It was our first and only time here together, and we saw Alcatraz and had lunch in Chinatown, and....

That's not all.  It's like whenever I form an opinion, my mind's going to what my mom would have thought, especially when it was 180 degrees different than my take.  Also, I'm dreaming about her again.  Two nights ago, I dreamt she was healthy and we were laughing together, and last night I dreamt she was having problems, yet undiagnosed, and she was telling me it was probably her thyroid and I knew already it was worse than that.

I think this all started a few weeks ago. My husband and I make a huge leap, after 17 years of marriage, to invest in a good quality bedroom furniture set.  This took a lot, as we've been using mismatched pieces including 2 pieces my mom entrusted to me when I was in grade school.  She'd told me she used these pieces as a child and had me promise to be careful with them.  When they were appraised (I had decided I might trade them as part payment for the set we bought) I felt I wanted some kind of permission from her spirit to part with her furniture.  :O  That probably sounds strange.  by the way, we weren't offered anything great so we kept the pieces and our boys are storing small boxes of legos in the chest of drawers.  

Sorry this is so long and rambling. I've been keeping a lot in the last few days trying not to ruin my family's good time.  I needed to tell friends who understand.

Waiting,

I understand totally what you are going thru. I think about things like that all the time. I see something that reminds of something me and Mom did together, or see something and think Mom would have loved that, or hear that the Cincinnati Reds won and think Oh, Mom would have been so happy!! 

It's funny you mention the dream. I've only had one dream about Mom since she passed in June. I dreamed the other night that me, her and Dad were at the bank opening an account. And when the lady put the signature card across for me to sign Mom signed it and gave it back to the lady. The lady looked back at me and then tried to hand it to me and Mom said "That's OK, I already signed it". I don't know why I dreamed that. Me and Dad were just at the bank last week and closed accounts in both their names and opened them in me and his name. Maybe I was feeling a little weird about that. Or maybe because the lady at the bank kept making me feel like I was some kind of crook because Dad said he wanted them to be just joint accounts not POA. She said "But if something happens to you she will have full access to your money. And you would hope that she would abide by your wishes." He said "I know what it means and I trust her fully to abide by my wishes." Then the lady asks me if I want a debit card! I thought "Seriously?! To make it easier to steal all his money?!" I politely told her "No, I don't need one."People are funny!

Hi Oceanbum, thanks for your reply.   I also wonder if your dream about your mom signing the card at the bank related to how you felt at the bank.  

For years I've been taking my mom to the bank to deposit checks and get her spending money (which I'd hold some and deposit some into her "spending money" account at the ALF).  The tellers got to know me over the years but at first when we'd withdraw the spending money and she'd hand it to me for safe keeping, I felt the teller was looking at me weird.  Our parents trust us and that's normal for us, I wish that weren't so unusual for the bank tellers, what a sad truth.

How's your dad doing?  I'm glad you have each other.

Waiting -- I feel like I'm reliving my parents' lives and not getting on with living my own. I was with my sister's family and everyone was having a good time.  I was just faking it. 

My parents had a truly wonderful life -- they did exciting things, had good friends, my dad had a career in which he was respected and helped so many people.  I think finding a lot of old pictures and hearing from so many of their old friends has touched me in a way I wasn't expecting.  

I find myself envying the life they had and maybe not being so happy with my own life.  I took care of them the past 5 years.  My life took a backseat to them and an ill child.  Now I'm left with no parents and two teenagers that are no picnic. I want to start living my life again, but I'm not sure how.

You are grieving and what you describe is all very normal even though I know it doesn't feel like it.

I've been reading On Grief and Grieving and it's helped me.  I finished reading it but I think I'll need to read it again.  One of the things that struck me in the book is that grief lasts a lifetime, it never goes away but we learn to live with it.  That makes sense to me.  It's not like one day we are going to be done with it and forget.  We can't forget people we love.  I find myself in a flurry of emotions everyday.  I get up, feel okay, get my coffee, feel great, on my way to work I think about my dad and my eyes are tearing up on the train.  I get distracted at work, I do okay, go outside for lunch and think about my dad and get teary eyed some more.  This is every day, for two months now and I know it's going to go on for a long, long time.  

I'm getting used to feeling like this. I remember being like this when my mom passed away, too.  Although, the process faded for me and when my dad passed, it came on like I never felt it before.   I think when we're ready, we will pick something we enjoy doing and maybe haven't done in a while.  We do it, we enjoy it and we begin the process of integrating our lives.  I've had people say, "you're still grieving?"  Yes, I always will, but I will eventually learn to live with it in my own time.  It's not a comfortable feeling, but it's there.  Maybe one day I can balance the emotions, but I'm going to feel what I feel and make no explanations to anyone about it.

I took a class the other day.  Something I enjoy doing but haven't done in a long time.  It was good, it made me feel happy.

Thoughts of my dad pop up every day.  If I see an airplane, I think what my dad would say, "Isn't that amazing."  If it's sunny outside, I see my dad sitting outside enjoying the sun.  If the clouds are gently moving across the sky, I hear him say, "Isn't that amazing."  Even though, these thoughts are the happier thoughts, it still saddens me, he's gone and I wonder why couldn't I have appreciated all these things more when he was here.   I know that these thoughts are tied in to the grieving process, too.

Waiting,

My Dad's doing as good as can be expected, I guess. He goes to the cemetery and sits and talks to Mom every day. I wish I knew what I could do for him. But I guess being "with" her helps him. They were together 60 years so we can't expect him to be ok overnight. We have a big family so there's always somebody around checking on him. I have 3 older brothers and then all the grandkids. So he's not alone thru this process which I think helps.

I understand where the lady at the bank was coming from. I was a bank teller for many years (until I got robbed and that was the end of THAT era!!). I saw many family members who stole money from their elderly parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, you name it - whatever relationship or even non-relationship. So I did understand completely. Even if she did make me feel like I was a crook. I do have to say in defense of tellers, that there is so much fraud out there anymore you have to be suspicious of EVERYTHING anymore. You can't trust any check from any body. It is SO sad!! I'm so glad I'm out of that and don't have to worry about it anymore.

I've tried to take 2 trips to Las Vegas and both ended with me sobbing because all the memories of good times with mom came back to me.  She loved it there.  I'm not going to try again.

I just feel "different" now.  I am changed permanently and spiritually it was a positive change, but when it comes to relating to people not dealing with dementia not so positive.

I made a bracelet in memory of my mother - I saw some handmade beads online that were done in the shape of a brain, but all misshapen.  Here it is.

Oceanbum:  I hope you didn't think I was making a negative statement about bank tellers.  I meant to say it's so sad that there is so much fraud going on, causing bank tellers, who see a lot of it, to naturally be cautious. 

KML: i keep getting teary in public too.  What do you do to keep composure?  I got all teary at a diner counter yesterday and I felt really exposed, nowhere to go. After my mom passed away,  I'd secretly dig my nails into my palm or my thumb, at my side out of people's view. It's not working anymore.   For a while I was able to hold in the tears until the evening and cry in private. Hope that ability comes back.  

Dayn2nite:  I relate to your comments about Vegas.  I think that we need to find new vacation places, without memories.  thank goodness there's a lot of places to explore.  Let me know if you have any recommendations.  I'm trying Bahamas sometime soon.  I need somewhere to not think, if that's even possible. 

Waiting--- 

Do not "worry" over your tears when they come..they are natures way of soothing and healing your broken heart.... 

After Mum passed I took a trip on my own to start the next part of my path without her..I was in a bookstore in Cornwall, and as i was talking to the lady there about my trip, and Mum I started to cry, and apologized for it..she took my hand gently and said in a kind but firm voice "never apologize for tears shed for someone you love..that's like apologizing for loving them..its natures way..."  

 From that point on, I quit apologizing for any tears that came when I spoke of Mum when I was out in public...frankly it was a relief to let them come and did soothe the ache a bit..and if I got a "look" from someone, well that was not my problem...by letting them fall it was an acknowledgement of my love for her...and that to me was a very good thing... 

The change in the furniture is probably good thing..and think of how much joy it gives your Mom to know that her grandkids are using them now...and looking through your Mom Lenses..well..that just means your perspective has changed, and really thats ok too...the disease changes us..gives us a different appreciation for life...I think anyway...lets us appreciate small joys in a way that perhaps we didn't before.. 

May the universe continue to light your path.... 

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}-M 

PS-Day, I loved the pic of the bracelet you made..do I see moonstone beads in there? 

Waiting:

I don't have any composure.  I do wear sunglasses though.  After my mom passed away, I would go to Target and I would cry because I bought a lot of things for her at Target, and I would be walking down the aisles shopping, tears streaming.  I was a sight but I didn't care much what anyone thought.

I'll be in Starbuck's with my husband having coffee, and we talk about my dad, and my eyes well up and people probably notice but I just don't care, however, my husband is probably uncomfortable thinking maybe people think he's the cause of the tears.

It happens when I'm at my desk at work, I just walk to the restroom.  I guess I just don't care what people think anymore.

I know eventually the tears won't be as much as they are now, the loss is very fresh and I'm tired of covering up my feelings and thoughts, so I'm letting them come because one way or another they're coming through.

Waiting, no I didn't think that at all. I'm sorry if I sounded like I did. I really didn't mean to.

I have a charm bracelet I began making before my Mom passed. My intention was to make it with charms that reminded me of her and then place it on her wrist before she was buried. But when it came time I just couldn't do it. I need that jingling sound on my wrist. It reminds me of her and each of the charms has a special meaning to me. I just have to have it on my arm every day. My aunt knew of my intention and then when I couldn't do it. She told me later she was glad that I kept my bracelet. I started out with a purple ribbon and a silver heart with the ribbon that says "Together we can make a difference". That was the original bracelet. Then I added to it a "Mom" charm, a "Grandma" charm (because she's my girls' Grandma), her birthstone, a locket with my favorite picture of me & Mom, a Cincinnati Reds charm, and after she passed I added an angel charm. I love my bracelet and I absolutely could never part with it. My 13-year-old daughter is actually starting one like it. She wants a "Grandma" bracelet like my "Mom" bracelet.

It's lovely that you made a bracelet to wear that is a memorial of your mom.  It's such a thing as that, that comforts us.  My dad made windchimes out of spoons and forks that he flattened out by hammer.  I re-strung a set and gave it to my daughter and told her when she hears the chimes in the wind, it's grandpa. 

I have two more sets to re-string and I'll place them outside my  windows.  The sound will be comforting to me.  My dad also made a bunch of birdhouses after my mom died to keep his mind occupied.  I have two of those birdhouses and I will paint them and put them in my yard. 

My mom made beautiful crocheted doilies and I want to frame them.

It's something tangible we can look at and it helps us.

Thank you for your post, KML! You brought back a couple of memories I had forgotten! My Grandpa used to make jewelry out of forks! I know that sounds crazy!! But my Dad has a fork ring that he made. He cut the middle tines out and replaced them with a gem. It's really kinda neat. He also made me a coffee pot lamp when I was a kid. But I don't remember what ever happened to it.

The doilies you said your Mom used to make reminded me that my Mom made me cross-stitched pillow cases. The only pair she ever made!! I do counted cross stitch and Mom decided to make me stamped cross stitch pillow cases for my birthday one year!! She also made a comforter for my Grandma around the same time. They are very special to me because Mom made them herself. My Grandma used to do embroidery. She did really beautiful work. I have lots of pillow cases she made as well. She used to give a pair of pillowcases to us as kids each year for our birthdays.

Oceanbum:

I went to a festival recently and I saw some very beautiful pieces of jewelry made from forks, never have seen it before and I really had to look twice to see that it was actually made from forks, very clever and beautiful.

I saw some other things that were made from spoons and I thought my dad would really get a kick out of seeing those.

I've done cross stitch before.  My mom knitted, crocheted, did needlepoint.  I remember the cross stitch on pillowcases and dish clothes.  My grandma did those, too, as well and knit and crochet. 

My sibling makes quilts and she showed me how to make pillowcases, I made a pair for my daughter. 

Happy memories ot those things.  Precious.

Thank you all - madamme those are amazonite beads with some opaque Czech glass beads - I didn't have any good moonstone beads at the time.

I remember rings made out of the handles of forks or spoons - all the cool people had one!  I'll need to google the fork spoons!

I cry whenever.  Mostly at night outside, sometimes in the car if I pass some place that reminds me of mom.  I just let 'em roll....

Madamme and KML, thank you so much for what you wrote about crying.  There are no words....I fell encouraged, hugged.  I'm so grateful for our group.

MLB:  I envy my mom's life too...my friend and I used to say our parents did a better job of having fun than we....and it was true.  In turn, I think our kids' generation will have it harder than us.  I think it's a fact of life that stinks.  I pray I don't get dementia and make them go through all this pain.

Dayn2nite, I meant to comment before on your bracelet, it's beautiful!  I love texture, my friends are still reminding me to "look with your eyes, not hands" and I can just imagine how it would feel to touch, to wear the bracelet.  Thank you so much for posting the photo!! 

Oceanbum, your bracelet sounds wonderful! Can you post a photo, too?  And where did you get the first charm you described?  I might try a charm bracelet myself! You all have inspired me.

KML, my mom loved windchimes, and she crocheted doilies in different sizes she gave as sets of trivets.  I like your idea of framing..

I'll write more later, must take my son to classes and church night.

Oceanbum, I'm glad you didn't part with the bracelet when your mom passed.  And it was so sweet of your aunt to tell you that she was glad you kept it too.  I know your mom's always on your mind but hearing the bracelet jingle is such a comfort, I'm sure.  I was wondering, did your mom wear bracelets? 

MLB, how old are your tennagers?  Were they close to your parents?   How did they handle your parents' passing?  My children are both under 8, and the almost 8 year old has an easier time of sharing his emotions and needs. The younger one, who is 5, doesn't remember my mom being "normal" so he doesn't miss her as much, he's probably mostly relieved we don't go to those visits anymore. He has a penchant for putting it out there....one day shortly after my mom passed away, we were driving somewhere and he makes a sincere effort to comfort me... "Mommy, we'll see Nana again one day. (when we die)....you'll see her before we do."   I know teenagers are a lot less adorable a lot of time.  Our pastor's wife said loving a teenager is like hugging a cactus.

KML, did your mom teach you to cross-stitch, crochet, etc?  My mom and I did cross-stitch together when I was in middle school. I have good memories of those times together with her.  She was so patient....I have poor eyesight and for quite some time I kept splitting the thread and making knots.  I still have the first cross-stitch ornament I made.  My treasure, though, is a beautiful white fisherman's net pattern blanket my mom made for me.  I was only 11 when I picked the color and pattern. 

Oh, Waiting -- You gotta love a 5 year old!  That made my day.  Thanks for the chuckle.  My teens are 17 and 18.  Yup, very much like cactus.  One was close to my dad, but then had very serious health issues of his own.  I think he resented that I couldn't be there 100% for him, but I did the best I could. 

We wanted the kids to remember their grandparents as they were.  We didn't force them to be too involved.  They each saw them fairly close to the end, but that was it. Teenagers are in their own world. I'm not really sure how it affected them. Teens, at least mine, don't do a whole lot of talking.

My parents would have been such a big help with them in their healthy days.  I often think what would my parents do in a particular situation.  It makes me sad that I don't have their wisdom to fall back on, but I'm the one that had kids later in life.  I was lucky to have them as long as I did.

Enjoy those elementary school years.  They go by so fast.  Must be almost back to school time.  One of my favorite times of the year!

Waiting,

I will try to post a pic tomorrow. I took one today but I haven't gotten it downloaded off the camera yet. We were on a Motorcycle Poker Run all day and I'm just beat. So I will try to get it done tomorrow! I got the original bracelet at Amazon. Here's a link:

http://www.amazon.com/Purple-Ribbon-Cancer-Awareness-Bracelet/dp/B0037C0H8I/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1345345701&sr=8-1&keywords=purple+ribbon+awareness 

I have done some major surgery to it since getting it though. I removed the purple suede out of it. I didn't like it. I removed the toggle and replaced it with a lobster clasp because it kept falling off. I took both charms off and put lobster clasps on them as well as the new charms. That made adding new charms easy and moving them around if I wanted to change the look.The original purple ribbon charm has been replaced at least twice. I eventually bought a lot of 12 off of ebay and a bag of lobster clasps from Hobby Lobby. That way I could keep replacing it if it kept breaking. Of course, it never broke again!! LOL

Oh NEAT!  I like that!

Ahhhh...today I was going through the piles of things I've had in my room (my brother needed to move into my mom's old room so I could monitor him better and I had bunches of things in there of mine).  I found a box that had birthday and Mother's Day cards she had saved and a bunch of pictures of her in non-dementia times.  Then I came upon an envelope with some geneology information she had written and just seeing her beautiful handwriting....there went the tears. 

I also came across the ashes of our old dog, Toby, so I put his container in the box with hers and just seeing hers (it's a biodegradable urn like Lesa had for her husband but mom's is in a heart shape) made me cry again.

So today has been teary.  We're all going to have these days.

Oh, but yesterday was a good one.  I participate on a message board where we discuss TV shopping and I post mostly on the Jewelry TV board.  So they (JTV) have invited the board owner and she has invited me and another poster to Knoxville in October to tour JTV!  They are flying us down and putting us up in a hotel and we will make a whole-day visit to the studio.  So that's something nice to look forward to. 

Sounds like it was a very emotional day. We will all have those. And sometimes it's good to have those. I like walking down memory lane with thoughts of my Mom before the Dementia. It brings back such good times. It always brings tears. People keep telling me it will get easier - but I don't know when or how I'll ever be able to think about her without tears.

The tour of the TV studio sounds exciting!! It gives you something to look forward to!! Have fun & tell us all about it when you get back!!

Oh and I forgot to answer Waiting's question last night about jewelry, no my Mom didn't wear bracelets. She didn't wear hardly any jewlery. She wore her wedding bands and a watch. I bought her pieces here and there over the years and she wore those to church. But that was about it. She was never one to be "showy" as she put it. I don't know exactly why I chose a bracelet to remember her with - since she never wore one!! LOL  

Anyways, here it is:

Dayn2nite,

what a great treat to look forward to!  I'm so glad the board owner invited you to go along for the JTV tour.  I will be looking forward to your post in October about your experience in Knoxville.  

I had the same type of emotional day you described when I found my mom's box of letters and cards.  I love her handwriting.  On TV and movies, when you see a handwritten letter you hear the writer's voice reading it, but when I see my mom's handwriting it reminds me not of her voice as much as her beautiful hands writing and of holding her hand, before dementia especially when her hands were strong and somewhat calloused from gardening.

Oceanbum, I smile reading about your good planning, buying extras on ebay and Hobby Lobby for when your pieces break and need to be replaced.  I have a mom bracelet that broke and the exact clasp and fancy bead weren't available so I really do appreciate your foresight.  

I haven't been on here for a few days, but everything you guys have written, I'm going through too.  Whenever I pass the candy aisle in a drugstore I start to tear up.  I don't have to buy junk food for my mother anymore.  I don't think I can ever look at Reece's Peanut Butter Cups again.

I also in looking at some old photos of my mother realize that her face really did change with this disease, before we knew she had the disease.  It's really bizarre.  It seriously took me by surprise to see things in her face the year before she was diagnosed - that I hadn't noticed before.

I was on the treadmill the other day listening to my music, and I can't even remember what song it was, but tears started to roll down my face.  I kept taking the towel to wipe away the tears, hoping people would think I was just sweating.

My part time job is about to go full time.  That should be making me jump for joy - but any change now is making me very nervous.  I NEED my job to go full time and I really do like this job - but this means it's really over.  No more long drives and visits.  I get a lump in my throat every time I think about it.

I still have hanging in my apartment a painting that my mother did while she was pregnant with me.  She had it hanging always since it was painted.  It's big and the colors go with nothing, but I can't part with it.  I'm going to see if I can attach it here.  I pass it every time I go to the bathroom, makes me think of her everyday.  It somehow gives me comfort to have it hanging here.

I agree.  Never give up that painting.  So many reasons it's a keeper, first that your mom painted it at a special time, too, second that it's a great painting....by the way, Dobermans, Rotties, and other similarly marked dogs are among my favorites, and were my mom's too. ( I love dogs with eyebrows!    The dog looks to me like it's waiting for the hat owner and chair occupier to return.

That was Roger, my childhood dog.  Beagle mix, probably some rottie in him.  He was smart as could be and friendly with adults, children and other dogs.

That painting will be with me until the end.

Marjk:

I remember you talking about the painting a long while ago.  I am so glad you posted it.

You know I've seen paintings in museums and this reminds me of some I've seen.  I'm thinking Picasso.  I think it's actually very artsy looking.   It is priceless, precious really.

I didn't inherit the art gene, that's for sure!

That painting is the one personal thing of hers that I still have.  I have some knick knacks (otherwise known as dust collectors), but nothing else that was so personal is here.

Loved the picture Marj.  Thanks for sharing that.  Good luck with the new job.  It will be good to be busy, but every change is tough.  Moving on to something new means giving up what we have been doing.  It's sad.

As for old pictures, I can see the changes in my dad.  He started to not look at the person taking the picture.  He seems to be looking off in the distance.  I have a hard time looking at those pictures. I am also having a hard time looking at pictures of my parents when they were older and still healthy.  That's when I feel like I've been punched in the stomach because I miss them so much the way that they were before AD. 

Photos from before 2007 my mother was always smiling and looking so happy.  Then her face changed.  At the end of 2008 I can notice a huge difference in the photos, yet I hadn't recognized it before.

I also was snapping photos of my mother throughout different stages of the disease, including the very end.  I don't know why I want them, but I do.