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wow... the weeks
Posted: Thursday, February 21, 2013 3:24 PM
Joined: 12/20/2011
Posts: 60

Thursday Dec 27:  8 weeks ago... we'd been in the hospital one day after mom fell and broke her hip.   

Thursday Jan 3:  7 weeks ago... Mom had been released to rehab without surgery the day before, but the pain was too great and her irregular heartbeat was giving her issues.    We were preparing to take her back to the hospital the following morning.  By this time, she had a UTI.


Thursday Jan 10:  6 weeks ago... Mom was recovering well -- physically -- from her 1st hip replacement surgery on Jan 8 

Thursday Jan 17:  5 weeks ago... Mom was on her second day in rehab.   She walked a really long way with a walker.   I called her ALZ facility, optimistic that she would return.  Beginning to cough...


Thursday Jan 24:  4 weeks ago... Received a call at 1:30am.  Even with the sitter, (whose ONLY job was to push the button and call the nurse if mom even looked like she was trying to get out of bed) mom fell and, since the staples had been out two days, broke open her wound.   Two ambulance rides, emergency surgery at 11am and three bags of blood.  Diagnosed with pneumonia.

Thursday Jan 31:  3 weeks ago... Mom  released to rehab again after having an IVF filter for blood clots.   Still coughing horribly with pneumonia.   Hasn't walked yet.  Not too promising.  By the time I left, she spoke for the first time in 10 days... told me "I love you, too."   Showing all the signs that the Hospice movie said are for the last days/hours.     (She rallied and had a good Feb 1 and 2.)

Thursday, Feb 7:  2 weeks ago... Mom's 79th birthday.    Day we transported her from hospital to Hospice.  (After returning to the hospital with heart rate consistently over 175 and mom aspirating, no longer swallowing, barely eating, we had to take her back to the hospital.  Found she had tons of blood clots in legs. presumably in lungs, horrible, horrible pain that she could not tell us about. So, we went to Hospice so they could give her pain meds.)

Thurs, Feb 14:   1 week ago...buried Mom    She died on 2/11.

Today... I can't focus on my job or anything.   While I was out for most of 6 weeks, they reorganized my department and I have a new boss -- that I don't want.

Next week... hopefully it will find me better... able to focus on something...

dj okay
Posted: Thursday, February 21, 2013 3:43 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 1840

I am so sorry.  I understand the keeping track as the weeks go by.  My dad passed away on a Monday morning and months went by before I didn't think about how many weeks it had been.  That's replaced by month anniversaries.


My mother passed away on a Thursday.  It's been just over 6 months.  The anniversaries just sort of suck.


After the whirlwind of activity you've been through, it will take several weeks for you to even begin to feel normal again.  Try to take care of yourself.  Eat well, drink lots of water, try to get some gentle exercise in, take a bubble bath, get a massage.  You get the idea.


You've run a good race.  It's time to rest now.


Come back and let us know how you're doing.

Posted: Thursday, February 21, 2013 4:16 PM
Joined: 12/2/2011
Posts: 726

Oh, amanda -- Be good to yourself.  It took a long time for the "fuzziness" to go away.  You've been through so much.  There will be ups and downs.  For now, as dj said so well, take care of yourself.  It's a shame that your job changed while you were away.  After my folks died, I didn't want anything else to change.  Hugs to you...
Posted: Thursday, February 21, 2013 5:02 PM
Joined: 12/20/2011
Posts: 60

I've actually made an appointment to see a therapist tomorrow.   Never done that before, but I hope it will help.

Other than my "friends" on this board, I just don't feel like I have anyone to talk to.  


My daughter is in college and I hate to burden her.   My husband isn't really much help.   I don't have friends to speak of...   just always too busy with work, being a mom and then taking care of my parents to nurture relationships.


Posted: Thursday, February 21, 2013 5:09 PM
Joined: 11/17/2012
Posts: 1203

I'm so sorry for all you've been through.


I know you have been off for 6 weeks, any possibility of taking more time? It sounds like you are really struggling and perhaps could get short term disability?


My partner took 6 weeks off after his father passed away, he was so destroyed by his death. He was ready to go back and his doctor agreed after 6 weeks of medication.


He no longer takes or needs the medicine and has been ok since.


Take care.

Posted: Thursday, February 21, 2013 5:37 PM
Joined: 12/2/2011
Posts: 726

Hi Amanda -- It sounds like a good idea to see someone.  That's a positive step.  I hope that it helps you.  Besides losing your mother, you have gone through a traumatic time.  I wish you the best.  Hugs...
Posted: Thursday, February 21, 2013 6:15 PM
Joined: 2/19/2012
Posts: 96


I remember the timelines that I wrote in my mind after my mom's death in Nov 2012. She also had a fx hip that required surgery and rehab. Her timeline was 3 wks from surgery to death. I went over it and over it in my mind. First it will be weeks since her death and then anniversary months until we reach the 1 yr mark i suppose.


I am now at 3 months plus a few weeks thrown in. I am still having trouble sleeping but my appetite is definitely back with a vengence. I have started reading again which I found difficult at first due to lack of focus and concentration. And find that I can enjoy myself with out guilt.


I think the counseling will definitely help. It is hard when you have no one to talk it out with. Like you, my mom was enough to handle without trying to maintain relationships. The few friends I do have would just rather I be over it by now. So I've stop talking about it and just pretend when I see them. I have a trusted member of the clergy who is also a good friend. Whenever I feel like I'm beating myself up too much I reach out to her for sanity.

Definitely grounds me. I miss my Mom so much but I am glad her confusion and limitations are over. It was such a long goodbye.


Please stay in touch with everyone here.



Posted: Friday, February 22, 2013 11:22 AM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433



I'm so sorry for what you've been thru and for your loss.  


Grief is a long process and everybody handles it differently. You will have good days and bad days. There will be tears and it's ok to allow yourself to cry. I've cried sitting at my desk at work. They understood and nobody thought less of me for it. You might even find somebody at your work place that has been thru what you are going thru and would be willing to talk to you. That's what you need. Somebody to talk to and somebody who can help you thru this. I agree that counseling would be a good idea, too. Getting your emotions out would help you so much.


I lost my Mom 8 months ago today. I still have times that I break down and cry. In the beginning I cried everyday and I was having such a hard time. But my husband took me by the shoulders one day and looked me in the eye and said to me "Would your Mom want you to be like this? Wouldn't she want you to be happy? She ALWAYS wanted you to be happy above everything else." And he was right. Mom was the type of person who put everybody first. She always wanted everybody's needs to be taken care of before her own. She always wanted to make sure everybody was happy. So I decided that day to honor her wishes and go on with my life and be happy because that's what she would want me to do. I do it for her, for me, and for my family. I'm happy because Mom would want me to be.


Now I'm not saying that you should be there in 11 days. That will take you time. But I just wanted you to know that there's light at the end of the tunnel. You will get there. It just takes time. Like I said - everybody has to work thru their grief at their own pace. My Mom was my best friend and I didn't think I would EVER be able to get to the place I am now. I would do ANYTHING to have her back for even one single day. But just to know that she is free of this disease and with her loved ones that have gone on before her makes me smile. She's in a better place and for that, I am grateful.