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Today is 8 months...
Oceanbum
Posted: Friday, February 22, 2013 3:31 PM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433


Today is 8 months since I lost my best friend. Those of you who know me know I am talking about my Mom. I went to the cemetery today on my lunch and talked to her. I go every week usually on Wednesday. But this week I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday and couldn't go. So I decided to wait until today since today was 8 months. I am doing really well with my grief since I decided she would want me to be happy. But today was different. Today I had tears. When I told her how much I missed her, how much I loved her and how much my life has changed since I lost her. My life will never be the same without her. There is such a huge void that nobody will ever be able to fill. I know that she is happy now that she is free of this disease. And I know she is with her loved ones that have gone on before her. So that gives me peace.
sunnysideup
Posted: Friday, February 22, 2013 5:11 PM
Joined: 2/19/2012
Posts: 96


I am so sorry that you had a bad day. Losing our moms is the hardest thing to do. My mom, like yours, was my best friend. Someone to whom I could talk about anything to. She was the first to give me encouragement when I needed it, to make me smile when I desperately needed to and was never negative about anything. She loved life, she loved people and it showed.

 

I think by visiting your mom weekly you are showing her how much you still love her. I do not go as often as it is not local for me but I talk to her all the time. Someone might think I was crazy listening to me. How about you?? Do you find yourself talking out loud to her at odd times? I like to think it is perfectly normal.

 

Aren't we forunate to have had such fabulous moms all our lives. Truly blessed. That part of us can never be taken away.

 

Hugs, Diana


Oceanbum
Posted: Saturday, February 23, 2013 8:25 AM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433


Thanks, Diana. Yes, we were truly blessed. I knew that my whole life. Even when I was a teenager. When other girls were talking about there Moms - about how mean they were, how they had been fighting with them, how much they hated them - I just couldnt' understand it. Mom was the sweetest, most understanding, loveable person in the whole entire world. All of my friends loved her. Everybody who ever met her loved her. And if she ever told me no for something - sure, I didn't like it - but she was Mom and her word was final. She made the decisions and they were always for my own good. I have 2 teenage girls and I really wish she was here to help me make those decisions for my girls. I know she would tell me to follow my heart and I would make the right decision. She instilled in me good values and I would know the right answers. She aways knew just what to say, how to say it and when to say it. I miss that SO much. She told me she was proud of the mother I had become and that meant SO much to me!! And my 17 year old daughter told me one day she wanted a relationship between me and her like I had with my Mom - that really meant alot to me!!

 

And yes, I always talk to her out loud at the cemetery. In the spring and summer I stit right down on the ground next to her headstone and talk to her. But now that it's cold and the ground is wet with snow and yesterday it was muddy, I stand. And I always make sure I leaver her a kiss on the headstone before I leave. People probably do think I'm crazy but I don't care. Then as I leave I drive arond the road to my friend who was killed in a car wreck when we were 16. He was such a good friend to me. I was devastated when he was killed. Mom was actually the one to tell me after she got the phone call. I was out with my boyfriend, who is now my husband.  I drive around past his grave and blow him a kiss and say I love ya buddy! He was killed in 1979.

 

 


Nora
Posted: Saturday, February 23, 2013 12:07 PM
Joined: 1/23/2012
Posts: 2270


Oceanbum, it is only 2 months for me and the tears still stay inside. Eventually I will reach inside and continue grieving, but for now I am numb.

 

We were fortunate to have such Moms that we loved. Mine made it to 93, with only the last 3 years actively Alz-related. It was so rough but I would not change the decisions I made.

 

God bless you, oceanbum. May you find your peace and healing somehow.

 

Nora


Johanna C.
Posted: Sunday, February 24, 2013 7:28 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 11948


It is still so new - this way of being without your beloved best friend, Mother.  I know our mothers would want us to heal and move forward, but it does take time.  No matter what, even though the rawness of the pain will fade with time, we will always miss them in our heart of hearts.  I am sorry for your pain and I understand.

 

My mother's ashes were interred far across the U.S. in her tiny hometown where she wanted to be buried, so I cannot visit her grave.  I have flowers placed on her birthday, mother's day, memorial day, holidays and other special occasions and sometimes, "just because," (but not in dead of winter secondary to huge snowfalls and ice.)  The florist is just lovely; she knows I cannot visit Mom, so she takes a picture of the headstone with the flowers so I can see the floral remembrance and sends it to me.  What a lovely thing for her to do!

 

I am a big greeting card sender, so on pending holidays, I still find myself reaching out to cards for "Mother."  It is a split second thing, that hand automatically reaching for the card, and then I suddenly remember . . . .

 

What I do now is, I send greeting cards to some elderly ladies I know.  It was surprising to me how much delight there is in getting them and it heartens me to know that they get such enjoyment from a simple gesture.

 

I send cards on holidays and "thinking of you" times.  My favorite is sending old fashioned Valentine cards.  There is one special person that has led a difficult life who lives on a very low income; she is quite elderly and just such a wise person in the "old ways," (you know; the stuff before the media world and Hollywood and politics went nuts), from time to time I make a soft phone call to her which she so enjoys - she regales me with tales of her day and other little tidbits.  It is all good.

 

These dear folks are not replacing my mother, that is not what this is about; it is in a way, honoring my mother and her generation in a different sort of way and in being able to give.  It is good to know I am making a difference in a very tiny way, and I think Mother would be smiling - she was a card sending person too.

 

A soft hug from one daughter to another,

 

Johanna C.


shirleywhirley
Posted: Monday, February 25, 2013 6:55 AM
Joined: 10/29/2012
Posts: 105


I had to put my mother into assisted living in 8/12.  It was so heartbreaking.  I had to trick her into going - telling her I was taking her to dinner.  Since then not a day has gone by that my mother doesn't ask to come home.  It is very tempting to bring her home which would mean I would need to retire, give up my income and hire in home care to watch her.   I put her in assisted living because our family dog died in 8/12 after having him for 18 years.  My mother changed then, she kept going to the neighbors and asking them to call the police to look for the dog and then telling them that I had done something to him.  It was getting out of hand.  Should I retire and bring her gome?
Oceanbum
Posted: Monday, February 25, 2013 9:40 AM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433


Hi Shirley ~ Welcome!

 

No, I think it will get better in time. You just have to let her get used to her surroundings. The last year my Mom was living in a nursing home. She didn't really want to be there and asked to come home. But eventually she adjusted. Then after she had been in her room about 6 months Dad decided her room was too hot and wanted to move her to a different room down the hall. I was beside myself!! I thought "This will disrupt all the progress she has made!!" Well, my aunt talked to the doctor and the hospice staff. They assured her it would only take about 2 weeks for her to settle in to her new surroundings and it would do her no harm whatsoever. They were actually in agreement with the change because the room was cooler and would be better for her COPD. In the long run it was best for her. She stayed in that room until she passed 6 months later. She didn't have a room mate when she moved into that room. And the staff knew she had a large family and they graciously never moved anybody in for that reason. They said if they got to capacity they would have no choice but it never got to that point. So Mom basically had a private room for the last 6 months. We were able to spend time alone with her. And her last 3 days, me, my brothers, my Dad, my aunt, my nieces and nephews were all free to stay with her night and day until she passed.

 

I think she will eventually adjust to her surroundings and it will become home to her. It may take time. But you have to ultimately be the one to make that decision. If you are ready to retire and want to devote youself to taking care of her full-time then that's what you should do. But you have to do what your heart is telling you to do. No one can answer that question but you. And you also have to ask yourself if you are physcially and emotionally ready to take on such a huge challenge. You will need to take some time and think about it. Do some soul searching and decide what your heart is telling you to do.

 

I wish you luck. Continue to come here and keep us updated and how you and your Mom are doing. Hugs to you.

 

 

 

.


shirleywhirley
Posted: Tuesday, February 26, 2013 7:00 AM
Joined: 10/29/2012
Posts: 105


Hi Oceanbum.  Thank you for replying.  Your thoughts were very helpful to me.  I would love to bring my mom home and be with her, but I do think it would be very physically and emotionally draining for me.  I would fear for my health. I tried in home care 2 to 3 days a week but that didn't work as when the care giver would leave my mother would start asking me where our dog was (who died), leaving to go to the neighbors to call the police to look for the dog and repeating the same questions over and over.  I love my mother more than anything I can think of, but her dementia causes her to repeat on a constant basis and I don't trust her as she would probably develop all kinds of "quirky habits" as her dementia progresses.  I am sorrowful for all that has happened to her and wished it could be like in the past, but that is not going to come true.  I will keep you informed about her and please write to me when you can.  Did your mother ever stop asking to go home?Thank you.
Oceanbum
Posted: Tuesday, February 26, 2013 9:03 AM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433


Hi Shirley,

 

Yes, she did eventually stop asking to go home. I couldn't have asked for a better place for her to be. The people there were so good to her. The head nurse she had after she moved was actually a boy me and my brothers grew up with. He was in my brothers/Dad's Boy Scout troop. So he always talked to us and Mom about old times. It was really nice. Life in a small town!!

 

The thing I remember most about my visits with Mom was how her face would light up whenever I would walk in her room!! She was always SO happy to see me!! Even after she wasn't able to communicate she still lit up when she saw me. That's how I KNOW she knew me clear to the end. She and I had a special relationship. I was her only daughter and her baby girl. I wear a bracelet that says "Baby Girl" among other charms that are all for her.

 

I know you would do anything for your Mom. I'm right there with you. I would have done anything in this world for my Mom. And I still would. And if I could have taken all that away from her I would have. My Mom was too special of a person to have that happen to her. Everybody who knew her loved her. Even at the nursing home ~ they all talked about how sweet she was. Sometimes there is no understanding the why's, we just have to accept it and make the best of it.

 

  

I think if you are worried about your own health you are making the right decision. If you get down and are unable to care for her then what?! And if she is wandering looking for the dog I would be worried about her safety. What if she wanders beyond the neighbor's? I would worry that she might get lost or even hit by a car. I think maybe assisted living is a wise choice. She will adjust in time. It's not an easy choice but you have to do what's best for her but also what's best for you, too.

 

Please, like I said keep me updated on you and your Mom. Take care of yourself. It's a long road and it's not an easy journey.

 

Becky

 

 

 

 


shirleywhirley
Posted: Wednesday, February 27, 2013 7:06 AM
Joined: 10/29/2012
Posts: 105


Becky, thanks for all the encouragement.  It is a long road.  I wished I had brothers and sisters to help but unfortunately I am an only child.  My cousins could care less about the well being of me and my mother.  They are selfish and self centered.  Anyway, I will continue to visit my mother daily.  My mom too lights up when she sees me come in the door.  She is much more alert than the others at the assisted living facility - the others are 20 to30 years younger than my mother and in much worse shape.  That makes me feel like my mother maybe should be back at home, but like you say, it would be dangerous for her to be alone.  She never did like in home care people in the house and thinks she is 20 years old again and can take care of herself.  I noticed that she is getting more forgetful.  I count to 10 and she asks the same question over again.  She wonders now if we have a dog and I tell her that he died.  Sometimes she wonders if we still have a dog.  So from that I see that she is very forgetful. I have a question, did you have trouble distinguishing between your mother's real self and the dementia?  I wonder which is which sometimes, as she makes a lot of sense and can carry on a very normal conversation.   Hope to hear from you soon.
Oceanbum
Posted: Wednesday, February 27, 2013 9:10 AM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433


Hi Shirley,

 

I'm sorry you don't have any siblings to help you. I have 3 older brothers so that has been such a blessing. Though when I was younger I didn't think so! LOL 

 

In the beginning I could see there was "trouble". Dad couldn't see it or refused to see it. He remained in denial for a very long time. I knew in my heart of hearts there was something wrong. My Mom had always been sharp as a tack. And when she started asking the same questions over and over, not remembering where she put things, that type of thing. But when she didn't remember a surgery I had when I was 6, I KNEW there was something SERIOUSLY wrong. It had always been a huge thing when I was growing up.

 

I look back now and I can see it in pictures. I know that sounds strange but I can see the progression in her eyes. I knew her so well and I had looked into her beautiful eyes so many times throughout my lifetime that I can just see the change in them over the last about 8 years. I had never really noticed it until I was getting the pictures together for her funeral. As I was scanning them into my computer to put onto a disc for the funeral home, as I looked at each one I began to see it.

 

It was a hard decision to move her to the home when Dad had to. But in the long run it was the best decision. They were able to provide her what she needed when she needed it. Dad did the best he could for several years. And he did a good job. But it finally got to the place where he was running himself down trying. He did go to the home all day every day and sit with her for the year she was there. He was so devoted to her. There was never any doubt that he loved her SO much and would have done anything for her. He still goes to the cemetery every day and talks to her. He is really having a hard time adjusting to being without her. They were married 58 years, together 60. He is a lost soul ~ I feel so bad for him.

 

Keep me updated on how things are going with you and your Mom.

 

Hugs,

 

Becky

 

 


shirleywhirley
Posted: Wednesday, March 6, 2013 7:13 AM
Joined: 10/29/2012
Posts: 105


Hi to anyone who cares to reply.  As I wrote earlier my mom has been in assisted living since 8/2012 and continues to "beg" to come home every day. In fact, she has gotten worse and worse.  It makes me feel like she is a caged animal who wants to be free.  She is getting angry now as towhy she needs to be there and she can come home and not cause any trouble.  If I try to explain that she is safe there and I can't be with her all day as I work, she says she will be ok.  Just to unplug the stove and lock the doors so she can't get out.  Sometimes I think she makes too much sense to be in assisted living.  She is 100 years old and very spry physically, and I think not that bad off mentally, but she is too forgetful to be alone and in home care is too expensive.  What does anyone think about my mom?  Is she sounding too sensible to be in assisted living?  I am puzzled.
Oceanbum
Posted: Wednesday, March 6, 2013 8:03 AM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433


Hi Shirley,

 

I'm glad to see you. I was worried about you.

 

You may want to post your question on a new topic so more people will see it. At the main board just hit new topic. I think if you start a new topic you will get alot of good advice from people who have been where you are now.

 

Good luck.

 

Becky