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What to do now that she is gone
Angela65
Posted: Friday, March 8, 2013 9:43 AM
Joined: 12/20/2011
Posts: 276


Hello! I use 2 be on the other board but now i had to change over to this board, my Moms battle with alzheimers ended Tues. March 5th. I feel lost and so numb she was only 74, Her funeral is tomorrow, I dont know what to do. It doesnt feel real to me. I was rite next to her rubing her forhead and hair, I dont remember her last breath, its like i zoned out lost touch with reality, Other family was there we were all around her. They keep telling me i didnt make a peep didnt cry just continued rubbing her hair ,I dont remember any of it. the last memory i have is hearing some1 say 35 seconds as they were counting her breathing and non breathing moments. I sat for about 45 minutes wit her and got up and left when funeral home showed up at my sisters to get her. AM i losing my mind because i sure feel like it.
Oceanbum
Posted: Friday, March 8, 2013 10:59 AM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433


Hi Angela,


I am so sorry for your loss. Losing your Mom is so hard. I lost my Mom in June. No, you are not losing your mind. It's just the harsh reality of losing someone who has been with you your whole life, and someone who has obviously meant a great deal to you. Since you are in the very early stages of grief everything hasn't really hit you yet. I'm sure it will. Maybe not until the service is over and everyone has gone home. When you are alone with your thoughts, when you have time to reflect and process everything ~ that's when it will truly hit you. Grief is different for every body. No two people grieve in the same way. I was strong throughout Mom's service - stronger than I EVER dreamed I'd be. Then my family and I took a few days and went away. We went to a Cincinnati Reds game. Mom was a HUGE Reds fan, had been her whole life. When they played "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" I bawled like a baby. We had played it at her funeral. All of the emotions of the week just came crashing down on me. People around me probably thought I was nuts!!! Only my family understood. But it was THAT song, HER song ~ to this day I can't hear it without bawling.

 

I wish you peace in the days ahead. Hugs to you.


KML
Posted: Friday, March 8, 2013 12:04 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


You are not losing your mind.  The death of a person and witnessing it is very traumatic, I feel.  There is so much going on, there is so much processing we are trying to do while it is happening.  That's just it, too much to process and make sense of what's going on.  Our minds and hearts are racing and we're trying to come to grips and terms what is taking place before our eyes.  We are losing someone we love and there is no stopping it, so much races through our minds of what we want to say, what we are feeling and there is such a sense of urgency and panic in not wanting to really let go, but not being able to stop it.

 

I think that's why we can't always remember.  We are on auto pilot.  This is such an emotional situation to go through and to me I felt I didn't feel there was time to absorb all that was happening, that and not wanting it to be real.

 

So you're going to need to be gentle and kind with yourself.  It is not easy to lose someone who was such an integral part of your life.  It is not easy to say good-bye.  For how long you knew this person, you will need to give yourself time to adjust to life without that person physically here.  That is quite an adjustment and adjustment always takes time, lots of it.

 

You may find that those moments will become clear to you, when your mind and body have had a chance to rest.  Right now, it's all so new and so fresh, you can't expect yourself to be clear-headed.  I'm nine months into this and I'm sure not clear-headed all of the time.

 

What you do now, is put one foot in front of the other, you try and rest and only do what is absolutely necessary and you take your time with your grief.

 

I am sorry, I know how hard it is.  I am glad you were with your mom, I think you will find comfort in that. 


farawaydaughter
Posted: Friday, March 8, 2013 12:13 PM
Joined: 4/19/2012
Posts: 414


I too am sorry for the loss of your mom. You are still in shock. And yes all you can do right now is put one foot in front of the other and get through the next few days.

 

I lost both my parents almost 8 months ago (where does the time go?). Dad died 3 days after mom, on the morning of her funeral no less. It was surreal. We had 2 funerals in 3 days, another surreal moment.

 

I am sure that it all feels surreal to you right now.

 

Breathe, cry, talk to those that will be empathetic, and put one foot in front of the other.

 

We all have been where you are, we do understand and empathize.

 

Grief is something you must go through, as we all did, and still do.

 

We are all here for you.

 

Gentle hugs, Farawaydaughter


dayn2nite
Posted: Friday, March 8, 2013 12:15 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097


As has already been said, you are no crazy---this is what I call "shock time" where you're operating on total auto-pilot and it all feels like a dream.

 

AND/OR

 

You may be very present mentally and complete tasks that need to be done but not cry.

 

This may last for a few months, maybe longer.  Then, maybe you'll see a place you used to enjoy with her or be in a store and think "I need to pick up XXX for mom" and realize no, you don't.  Maybe some tears will come, just a few, or maybe a bunch.

 

Everyone grieves differently and in a different time period.  Whatever grief schedule you're on is what is right.  Don't avoid it, but know that eventually feelings will come and it's important to actually feel them.


MLB61
Posted: Friday, March 8, 2013 4:27 PM
Joined: 12/2/2011
Posts: 726


Be gentle with yourself.  I lost my parents last spring.  It was like a fog.  I was on autopilot for a long time.  You are not losing your mind.  You are experiencing profound grief.  You will get through it.  There will be ups and downs.  This board has been such a wonderful source of comfort and support.  We are here for you.  Sending you out hugs from afar...
Angela65
Posted: Friday, March 8, 2013 7:47 PM
Joined: 12/20/2011
Posts: 276


Thankyou for your responses, i am just trying keep putting 1 foot in front of other do what i have to get done. Make it thru 2morrow, and i cant think much pass that.I remember some of you when we were still on the other forum.Good luck and much love and peace to you all
dayn2nite
Posted: Friday, March 8, 2013 8:41 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097


The other day someone on the CG board said that all the grieving is done prior to death.

 

Boy, oh boy is that wrong.  Yes, there is grief for all the loss of independence and function, the loss of bladder and bowel control, loss of walking, talking and eating.

 

Then death comes and we say "oh he/she is at peace", "I'm happy" and we are...for them.  For us left behind, what is our purpose now?  How do we spend our time?  Even if we weren't "there" - we spent lots of time worrying.  What do we do with that free time?

Our friends left us long ago---they didn't understand.  Hopefully some of us can occupy some time with family.  But mostly I just sat or I slept right after.  I felt bone weary tired.

 

As stated above, don't put any pressure on yourself to "do" or "be" anything to anyone.  Take care of you.

 

We'll be thinking of you tomorrow.


dj okay
Posted: Friday, March 8, 2013 10:35 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 1840


Dear Angela,

 

These are tough days, the days following such a deep loss.  To be there with the woman that brought you into the world as she leaves it...well, it's a precious gift and a memory that we carry with us.  You say you don't remember, but there are feelings you describe throughout the process.  You may not know the details, but the memory is strong.

 

I remember stroking my mother's head as she was dying.  I had given up counting the spaces between her breaths.  The hospice nurse had quietly come over to the bed and taken Mom's wrist.  I knew the time was near and she was waiting for her pulse to stop.  When she removed her hand, I knew it was over.  It felt like the breath was sucked out of me.  It is a moment I will always remember.

 

These memories are so strong right now.  But as you go through your grieving process, you will find yourself remembering more of your mother as she lived, not as she died.  It will take time.  How much time, no one can say.  Each of us is different.

 

However long it takes, we are here for you.  I hope tomorrow goes well for you and your family.

 

Hugs(((((())))))


one daughter
Posted: Saturday, March 9, 2013 12:33 AM
Joined: 1/30/2013
Posts: 1980


Angela65, oh my goodness. My dad also passed on March 5. Daddy's funeral is 2morrow. His death was totally unexpected. My daddy had vascular dementia & my mom has ALZ. I put a post on this forum earlier where my husband told me that I was in shock. I can barely remember standing by my Daddy's bedside, when he was taking his last breaths. I couldn't stay in the room w/him till his  last breath. He was asleep the whole time. I'm so sick 2 my stomache about the whole thing.
one daughter
Posted: Saturday, March 9, 2013 12:39 AM
Joined: 1/30/2013
Posts: 1980


Dayn2nite, u echo my feelings. I took mom 2 the grocery store w/me last nite. The store had pizzas on sale. My Daddy's favorite brand. I can't stop thinking of him. I HATE going into their house. W/out my daddy there it's so cold & empty in there.
one daughter
Posted: Saturday, March 9, 2013 12:42 AM
Joined: 1/30/2013
Posts: 1980


Oceanbum, I think that's my problem. I think when I'm all alone I will have time 2 grieve. I'm not looking 4ward to that.
Nora
Posted: Saturday, March 9, 2013 11:40 PM
Joined: 1/23/2012
Posts: 2270


Angela, you are right - 74 is too young. I am sorry you lost your Mom and probably feel like you have now lost your mind as well. It is so damn hard!

 

My heart goes out to you and my prayers too. It's been 11 weeks for me now and I am still so numb. Somehow life goes on, but we don't feel much like being part of it.

 

Wishing you strength and blessings,

 

Nora



Angela65
Posted: Sunday, March 10, 2013 7:16 PM
Joined: 12/20/2011
Posts: 276


Thank you Nora, I wish the same 4 youmade it thru my moms service wich i thought turned out nicely very small country cemetery a very nice graveside service we were in a tent and did have open casket at graveside. Just her immediate family then it was closed , played 4 nice songs, had a poem read,cpl. scriptures , then when public was led away my sis,brother n i . Stood until she was lowered and put roses on top of vault and walked away, I thimk im just gonna shut down and rest this week then try find some work next wk. SORRY if i just rambling,