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It Hurts to bad
Angela65
Posted: Monday, April 1, 2013 8:34 PM
Joined: 12/20/2011
Posts: 276


Hello im not trying to sound so weak but don't know where else to turn, friends all left long ago as they couldn't understand, don't have a lot of family left. I am pretty much alone. And just wondered if any of you had the thoughts you just weren't going to make it. You see she was everything to me and it just hurts so bad that I feel like just the pain will surely do me in.I went to see Dr. and now im on so much medicine, I was given klonipin paxil welbutrin and 4 lunesta to hopefully give me a whole nights sleep, everyone that I am in contact with tell me how lucky I am weird I don't feel very lucky at all. Don't misunderstand I AM THANKFUL I HAD HER .I AM BLESSED TO HAVE HAD THAT BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL SOUL AS MY MOM. She has only been gone since March5th, I have never been away from her longer then a month in my entire life and that was when she and dad took a vacation. My dad has been deceased 14yrs. that hurt terribly but I was able to move on,mom needed me. But after mom passing away I don't even know where to begin to move on or how to move on or if I even want to.Sorry if I sound like a rambling idiot I don't mean to.
farawaydaughter
Posted: Monday, April 1, 2013 10:15 PM
Joined: 4/19/2012
Posts: 414


Angela, this is all so recent for you. Yes the pain is huge, and some days you just have to put one foot in front of the other, other days you just stay in bed. Your life has changed dramatically, and adjusting to that takes time, lots of it, but you will find your way. You just can't force it. Focus on the simple things in life, brushing your teeth, appreciating a pretty flower, keep life simple as can be.

 

I am sorry for your loss. With time peace will come to you. Please take comfort that your mom is no longer suffering, I find great peace with that regarding my mom. I too don't know where my life will go now that both my parents have passed, still working on that but not rushing it. They passed 8 months ago, so please see it really takes time.


Tomc5592
Posted: Tuesday, April 2, 2013 12:13 AM
Joined: 11/17/2012
Posts: 1203


I'm sorry you're in such pain. I wonder if the doctor who prescribed your meds could refer you for counseling? Was your mother in Hospice? Please contact Hospice for grief counseling/support.

 

I would also call the Alz.org Helpline at 1-800-272-3900.

 

I think with some help your depression can be managed.

 


MLB61
Posted: Tuesday, April 2, 2013 7:24 AM
Joined: 12/2/2011
Posts: 726


Oh, Angela, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear mother.  You are not weak.  You are reeling from an overwhelming grief.  We all grieve in our own way.  I truly believe that a caregiver's grief can be more intense because of how intertwined our lives were with our loved ones.  We lose the person we love, and we lose our purpose in life. Add to that the fact that you are so isolated, it's no wonder that you are feeling this way.  

 

You have not had much time to heal.  Your loss is so recent.  When I lost both of my parents last spring, I felt like I had been hit by a truck.  I physically hurt.  I was in a fog. It has been almost a year.  I have survived.  I am starting to feel more like myself again.  I lost my purpose in life, and I am still trying to figure out what to do with myself.  I volunteer a few times a month at my parents' memory care facility. The loss was too sudden for me.  I still needed some connection to them and the life that I had with them for the past several years.  I think it has helped me.  

 

As Tom said, please call the Alz Assoc Helpline (800-272-3900).  It's available 24/7. Ask to speak with a counselor.  If your mother was on hospice, call them.  Funeral homes have support groups.  Call the senior center or counsel on aging in your area. If you are isolated, maybe a support group would be good.  Get you out and around other people. I am glad that you went to see your doctor, but that's a lot of medicine to be on.  Please be careful with that.  If you feel like you want to harm yourself in any way, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room immediately, preferably one with psych services. They will be able to help you. You will feel so much better.

 
Yes, your mother is in a better place and no longer suffering.  But that doesn't take away from the fact that you miss her so much that it hurts.  Please remember that your mother was so lucky to have you with her for this long journey.  Her love for you is still with you in your heart.  She would not want you to be suffering.  Please try to work through this grief so that you will lead the life that your mother wants you to lead. 
 
Come back and let us know how you are doing.  Hugs...

Oceanbum
Posted: Tuesday, April 2, 2013 9:54 AM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433


Angela,

 

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. It hurts really bad to lose somebody so close to you. And you are right ~ you were blessed to have had such a beautiful soul to be your Mom. Not everybody is so lucky. And please remember that she is always with you. As long as you remember her love and that special bond that the two of you shared she will always be with you ~ in your heart. No one can ever take that away from you. I lost my Mom in June. It does get easier. I didn't think in the beginning that it would but it does. I try to think about what my Mom would want for me. She always wanted me to be happy more than anything in this world. She always worried about her kids and that we were taken care of. So I try to think "What would Mom want more than anything for me?" For me to be happy. So whenever I get down I think about her and how she would want me to be happy and it always makes me smile. I'm happy because she wants me to be happy. I'm honoring her wishes. I know that when she sees me smile it makes her smile. And that makes me happy!

 

I know that sounds so simple. And with your grief so new you are not there yet. But you will be. Grief is a long process. Everybody grieves differently. Please be kind to yourself. Allow yourself time to grieve. Honor your Mom and the love you have for her. I made myself a scrapbook with all the pictures that I had put on DVD for the funeral. I look back at that scrapbook whenever I want to remember and have a "walk down memory lane". It helped me to heal and it helps me feel like I still have a connection to Mom. Like she's still here somehow.

 

As the others have said someone in Hospice or on the Alz Assoc hotline may be able to help you work thru your grief. Or maybe there's a grief support group in your area. Call your local hospital or a church in the area. They may be able to point you in the direction of a grief support group.

 

Be kind to yourself. Come back and let us know how you are doing. We are all here because we "get it". We've been there. We are all going thru the grief process. We're not all in the same stage of the process but we all understand and we understand what you are going thru.

 

Hugs to you.


KML
Posted: Tuesday, April 2, 2013 11:00 AM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


Your loss is very, very recent and I think maybe you're expecting an awful lot from yourself right now.  This is totally the time to grieve and recover from the trauma of loss.  Grieving is a healing process, it allows you to slow down and focus on your feelings and understand them, and come to terms with them and to live with them.  There is no time frame for grief, it's just a very necessary process, requiring your patience with yourself and above all, loving yourself like you would a friend you are trying to comfort. 

 

Routine is good, simple things like taking a shower, eating breakfast, go outside, take a little walk, take a nap, rest.  Eat healthy foods, and take it slow. 

 

The suggestion of trying to find a support group is very good.  Either through a hospice organization or even dayn2nite mentioned some funeral homes do offer grief support.  I think being with a group of people experiencing the same things, losing a person they loved, is very helpful.  1) it shows you your feelings are normal and expected, 2) you hear how others are trying to cope, 3) you've got people there to give you a warm hug, 4) they understand, because they share the same feelings.

 

We also understand when a person has been a big part of your life, you see them everyday, we or I, should say, make that the purpose of my life, the main focus of my being and when that changes, when they are gone, it's very natural to feel kind of lost for awhile.  But eventually, you will awaken and you will come to know yourself again as you. 

 

Think of a small thing you used to enjoy doing and maybe you haven't had the opportunity to do it for a long time because of being very busy and committed to other things.  Think about doing that one small thing again and maybe give it a try.  Surround yourself with things you love and enjoy. 

 

You're going to be okay.  It's been ten months since losing my dad, and I have my moments still, I believe I always will most definitely miss my parents, but I'm learning to live with it and make room for it in my heart with everything else.  You will, too.  Take care of yourself.  When I feel bad, I think of my parents and they wouldn't want me to be unhappy, they would be the first to say, "please enjoy, please be happy because we love you.  Your mom would say the very same to you. 


dj okay
Posted: Tuesday, April 2, 2013 7:01 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 1840


Dear Angela,


You have gotten so much good advice here.  I agree with everything everyone has said.

 

I just want to add something I heard that I think applies to your situation.  They say that when a toddler gets hurt, they cry so hard and are inconsolable BECAUSE they do not understand that the pain they are feeling is going to go away, it's not going to last long.  I think that reminds me of our grief process.  Sometimes we feel inconsolable because we do not understand that we are not ALWAYS going to feel  THIS bad.

 

It is indeed early in your grief process.  It WILL get better.  It's just a matter of time.  How much time depends on the depth of your loss and your ability to deal with it.  All the suggestions for support and counseling will help you learn how to deal with it.

 

I just wanted to comfort you with the idea that it will NOT always hurt this bad.

 

Hugs to you(((((())))))


Angela65
Posted: Tuesday, April 2, 2013 9:35 PM
Joined: 12/20/2011
Posts: 276


Thank you all 4 giving me advice for helping me , Yes my mom was on hospice and I did receive a pamphlet about support group that they offer, I believe it starts April 26th. I do plan 2 call their bereavement counselor, I can meet with her 1 on 1 for some counseling. I have such limited access to computer I use my friends and they work out of town and so sometimes its a 2 week stretch B4 I can get on here. And assured if I have any thought that I could follow thru on a suicide I would call 4 help. My husband commited suicide it will be 3 yrs. in May. I couldn't do that 2 my daughter.All of us on these boards really know how it feels, And you have helped me more then you can ever know, I wish all of you much love, strength, and peace as you all continue the walk on the journey of life after Alzheimer.
dayn2nite
Posted: Wednesday, April 3, 2013 10:22 AM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097


Angela, I'm so sorry about your losses.  This loss of your mother may also be bringing up things you never resolved about your husband's death.  Suicide and death from dementia are very difficult losses to grieve.

 

Also, see if you can get another opinion regarding your medication.  Did a psychiatrist prescribe all that to you?  I understand why the Paxil and the Wellbutrin if the Paxil was making you sleepy (Wellbutrin keeps the sedation from occurring), but there may be some alternatives for sleep.

 

Also, try some self-hypnosis CDs or MP3s for sleep.  They worked wonders for me.  Make sure you aren't trying to sleep on a couch or in front of the TV.  I have a past history of insomnia and learned if my bedroom was used for work, TV or anything but sleep, I couldn't sleep well there.  So today, my bedroom is for sleeping only.  It helps.


KML
Posted: Wednesday, April 3, 2013 10:48 AM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


Angela, honey, you take care of yourself.  Small steps at a time.  You are important and worthy of  a good and satisfying life.  Your daughter needs you in her life, she loves you.  Life is precious, it is a gift.  Don't be afraid of the grief, it is actually a friend because it makes you stop and rest and allows you to absorb the loss you have experienced, there is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise you.  You are in my prayers and thoughts and you have strength, you've shown that already.
MLB61
Posted: Wednesday, April 3, 2013 4:15 PM
Joined: 12/2/2011
Posts: 726


Thinking of you, Angela, and sending out some hugs...
VKB
Posted: Thursday, April 4, 2013 6:50 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 3688


Angela

 

I wish I was there to hug you. I'm glad you are on medication, and don't hesitate to see a professional counselor if you need to. 

 

Please take good care of yourself.  Try to find something to do that will keep your mind occupied such as movies, reading, crafts,, etc.  Look for bereavement groups in your area where you can share your feelings with others who have lost someone important.  There is where you will find friends again.

 

Also, do you have a place of worship you might start attending?  Often there are activities beyond the services that you might enjoy.

 

Don't give up on yourself.  You are God's own dear child.  You are important to Him and to all of us here. 

 

Keep in touch. 

 


SCH
Posted: Thursday, April 4, 2013 9:49 PM
Joined: 10/27/2012
Posts: 362


{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}  my mom passed just ten days after yours on the 15th. I feel your pain.  My husband teared up tonight saying how he missed her. You have the right to grieve in whatever way helps you. However, if it is inhibiting your life, it may be time to seek out some help. I am saying a prayer for God to comfort you and fill you with His peace. 

Susie

 


Millie263
Posted: Sunday, April 7, 2013 4:43 PM
Joined: 2/21/2012
Posts: 44


Angela, I understand your hurt, my mom died on Sept. 6, 2012, five days after my birthday, the pain was excruciating, April 6, will be 7 months - Easter was very difficult for me.  You will get better and you will feel better, give yourself time to grieve and to heal, it will take time - but with the right help and support you will be ok.  You are not alone, there are many people who want to be there for you, including me.  Hugs and caring.
Angela65
Posted: Sunday, April 7, 2013 8:32 PM
Joined: 12/20/2011
Posts: 276


THANX , Millie I had just posted on your post BROKEN HEART ,

VKB, I am so sorry for your loss it is excruciating pain at times, It is very hard to loose 1s MOM. I wish you all much LOVE, SRENGTH, and PEACE to help you thru this rough time. I will not have access for a week but will check in on this board.   

                                MUCH LOVE 

                                 ANGIE                 

                                                   


Millie263
Posted: Thursday, June 20, 2013 8:16 PM
Joined: 2/21/2012
Posts: 44


Angela65 - I understand being alone.  My mom died on Sept. 6, 2012.  The only family I had in NY was her.  I have a mentally ill sister in Las Vegas and my niece.  My stepfather passed away two years ago, he was the only father I have ever known.  I don't have children, my husband is very loving and kind - he has two children from a previous marriage but I don't associate with them.  When he is not home the house is empty, I feel a terrible empty feeling since my mom died.  It is difficult for me to describe the feeling of isolation and pain because I do not have my "own" family to take up the slack. My husband is wonderful, we have been together for 25 years.  I spent 10 years taking care of my mom with Alzheimer's disease, she was my best friend, my child, my shelter from the wind in bad times, she was always on my side.  I am so terribly distraught without her here.  I never understood what a terrible emotional pain I would have when she passed away on September 6, 2012, it was 5 days after my birthday on Sept. 1, 2012.
MLB61
Posted: Friday, June 21, 2013 6:12 AM
Joined: 12/2/2011
Posts: 726


Hi Millie -- It has been about a year since I lost both of my parents.  It has been so hard because those are the people that love you the most, unconditionally.  It is a different love than a spouse or other family member.  After they passed away, I read a good book called Midlife Orphan by Jane Brooks.  It is a quick read.  Not all of it will apply to everyone, but I thought it explained so many of the things that I was going through.  Losing your last parent is very tough.  Are you getting any grief support?  From the funeral home, local support groups, hospice?  Hugs...
Millie263
Posted: Sunday, June 23, 2013 10:32 AM
Joined: 2/21/2012
Posts: 44


MLG61 Thank you so much for your reply and to everyone here who understands my grief.  I think what happened to me was that I was in so much emotional pain that I tried to hide from it by being constantly busy.  I didn't realize I would have experience my grief in a different way and let it arise whenever it wanted to.  After my last post, I sobbed my heart out for about 1/2 hour but after that, I felt so much better, as if some of the pain was lifted from my heart.  I try to remember all the blessings I have - good friends, a wonderful husband, my health, etc.  My mom always was upset if I was in pain or hurt about anything - I know she would want me to do everything good for myself.
Oceanbum
Posted: Monday, June 24, 2013 10:37 AM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433


Hi Millie,

 

That's exactly what my husband said to me shortly after my Mom passed. I was so very down and crying constantly. One day he took me by the shoulders, looked me in the eyes and said "Is this what your Mom would want for you? Didn't she always want you to be happy? So is this what she would want?" It was then that I realized my Mom always put us kids above and beyond anything. She wanted us to be happy and taken care of more than anything in this world. So I decided then and there I would be happy - for her, for me and for my family.


dj okay
Posted: Monday, June 24, 2013 11:36 AM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 1840


Tears are like floodgates of the soul.  If we hold them back for too long, the dam will break.  They release the pressure, for a while, and the dam can go on doing its business.

 

I think this is why we often feel better after a "good" cry, especially if it's been a while since we've wept.  The pressure builds up inside us and that is not good.

 

Grief, I have found, is a tremendously physical process.  It must happen or there will be damage to the person's ability to carry on in life.  If we try to "stuff it down" and "go on" too quickly, our bodies and our souls will let us know in no uncertain terms that "it ain't workin'".

 

When the pain is unbearable, it is sometimes good for us to focus on something else for a while (a good book, an action-packed movie, some laughs with good friends, anything to relieve the pain for little while).  But this is only effective for a little while and only should be used when the pain is too intense to face it and feel it deeply.  I found this helpful in the early months after my mom's passing as well as when I lost my dad.

 

But we must eventually face the pain of separation and work on the emotional incompleteness we suffer when faced with a loss such as this.  If we don't work at it, the wound of grief will not heal and we will go through life more damaged than we need to.

 

This is all to say that grief is hard work.  It doesn't just go away one day.  Tears will come and go but the pain should continue to improve, or there is something that needs to be worked on.

 

There is a lot of great information on the internet about grief and healing.  If this forum and your reading aren't helping you heal, please consider seeing a grief counselor or join a grief support group.