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Uncomfortably Numb, yet Angry & Afraid to Grow Old....
Me Again
Posted: Saturday, April 27, 2013 5:54 PM
Joined: 9/12/2012
Posts: 7

I moved my mother to another state where I live to take care of her due to a new diagnoses of Alzheimer's at the beginnings of last year. I realized she was far more advanced than any of the doctors or my family had realized.After only a few days she fell and broke her hip, after the hospital stay she was moved to a nursing facility for 5 weeks. I had to fight to remove her due to neglect, I stayed there most day & night because they said they don't specializes in Dementia so therefor her mind deteriorated due to  6 & 7 days of no sleep and only a couple of bites of food a week they stopped rehab. She only fell asleep after complete exhaustion crying & screaming  almost 24/7.


  The next nursing home she was pretty much comatose for about 5 to 6 weeks, barely ate, wouldn't open her eyes or lift her head. She started reacting after several medication changes and was talking, interacting and eating all of her meals. They put my mother in a wheelchair and parked it against the wall in the main hall way across from the nurses station 12 to 14 hours a day, I complained and they stated that she had to be kept awake this way because her days & nights were turned around and she kept the others awake. I would visit and see her just sitting there with her head hanging into the walkway, crying screaming, scared.


 They shattered her leg into so many pieces it was inoperable, I knew something was wrong when I saw her  and insisted on an x ray because I could tell she was in pain and she had problems with that knee the year before. They refused and would not even give her an aspirin. I called several times that night and the next day to say if it wasn't x rayed I would bring a transport and take her myself. They called that afternoon to say she had a slight break in her femur. I rushed over called for a transport and after arriving at the ER, a doctor and social services brought in the x ray and said What in the hell happened. The home said she must have done it in bed since she can not stand up or walk, or see but shadows for that matter. I know what happened because the day before a new CNA i had never seen  was telling me how my mother would not stand up for her that morning and how she struggled with several of them while trying to put her in a "machine" to hold her up in the shower.


 My mothers normal CNA quite her job over what happened and another i had never met came to the hospital to tell me of abuse at the home and that she too had just quite. I found a great foster home for her since DHS would not let me bring her home because she needed 24/7 care and tho eligible it would be 4 to 5 months before they could get me help.  My mother as of October 10th was walking, talking, laughing, sleeping & eating she died 6 months to the day of breaking her hip.On April 15th I was holding my mothers hand, stroking her face and hair telling her how much we all loved her when she took her last breath. 10 weeks after they hurt her, the trauma was too much. I  am the only family up here and was all alone thru this mess.


  I am relieved more than I am sad at the moment that she is no longer suffering, I had hospice looking over her care and told her it was OK to go home, I had everything under control here and she did. A few days before she died  I sent a text to my best friend of 41 years that lives here to come say goodbye and help support me, I found out the next day that she never saw the message she died in her sleep at 50 that early evening.


 I sent my mothers body back to California for burial on Tuesday and had a service for my friend on Saturday. I am wiped out, exhausted, mad, hurt and I want those in charge of her care to answer for what they did, for those still in there and no family watching out for them. I just needed to say it out loud and gather my strength for the battle ahead.

dj okay
Posted: Saturday, April 27, 2013 6:22 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 1840

I am so very sorry for all that you have endured.  It is one huge deal to lose our mother but another to lose a dear friend as such an early age at the same time.  My heart goes out to you.


Do take care of yourself in these coming days.  You have been through a tremendous amount of stress over the past year+.  Your body is going to need some time to recover.  Take it easy for a while.


I totally understand your horror after watching your mother suffer and not get the best of care.  You both deserve more.  But please give yourself a little time to gather your thoughts, get your documentation together, and be prepared mentally, physically, and emotionally for the battle you are about to undertake.


Warm hugs & a prayer for you((((((())))))

Posted: Sunday, April 28, 2013 12:06 AM
Joined: 11/17/2012
Posts: 1203

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother and best friend.


Sometimes, in spite of our best efforts the outcome is bad.

I hope you have some support to get through these losses, and I hope you will reach out for grief support or counseling.


I'm glad you posted and we are here to support you. Please stay in contact.







Posted: Sunday, April 28, 2013 6:35 AM
Joined: 12/20/2011
Posts: 276

Me again

      SO sorry for all that you are dealing with, It is awful knowing that your mom suffered neglect, I know the feeling lost my mom in March. The nursing home she was in had good reviews my mom suffered extreme neglect THERE. if she hadn't gone in there or the geri psych facility Im certain she would still be with us. I pulled her out as soon as I found the pressure sores on both of her heels , WHEN I ASKED THE NURSE IF IT WAS DOCUMENTED SHE SAID AND I QUOTE"MAYBE IT WAS AND MAYBE IT WASNT" found it on wed evening made arrangements 2 get her out of there, got her home Mon. she was dead Tues. I walked in and found so many things wronge like meds dried in her mouth from nite before she had been found on floor twice. and found out she was getting 45 mgs of Namenda dly. she couldn't take it she had history of ulcers and stomach problems her entire life. I told them she couldn't take it. Had tried all the meds. at home and 1st thing it did was start hurting her stomach and so she would stop sure she laid or sat the entire wknd with no fluid as had a fit with nursing home and they knew she was leaving on mon.  I have seen vetrenary clinics that were so much more knowledgable. They understaff these homes and its sickens me. Be good to yourself best wishes to you. sending you much love strength and peace

Posted: Sunday, April 28, 2013 8:00 AM
Joined: 12/2/2011
Posts: 726

Oh, Me Again -- I am so sorry that you and your mother went through such a horrible ordeal.  I hope that you will be gentle with yourself.  Give yourself time to grieve your mother and friend before you address all the other issues.  Let your heart heal a bit. Sending you hugs from afar...
one daughter
Posted: Sunday, April 28, 2013 12:36 PM
Joined: 1/30/2013
Posts: 1980

That's such a tragic sorry. I am so sorry 4 ur loss. Please take care of ur self & fight on.
Posted: Sunday, April 28, 2013 1:21 PM
Joined: 2/25/2013
Posts: 161



So sorry for the loss of your mom and friend, so much to have to endure all at once.

I hope for peace to lift your numbness, anger and fear to grow old...and strength to face the future, fight the good fight and hold on to all the wonderful, happy memories of your mom and know what a great dtr you are.


Posted: Sunday, April 28, 2013 7:19 PM
Joined: 8/7/2012
Posts: 218

I am so sorry for your loss.  I am sorry about the circumstances that you describe in your post.  I want to encourage you to give yourself time to grieve.  But write down everything that you can think of that you feel was neglect, abuse, etc.


My Mom passed last August and I was handed her medical files by a nurse at the facility.  I thought that was strange.  After a while I started looking at them.  It was very difficult to keep my thoughts straight.  I was grieving and I knew things happened that were wrong.  I was in shock and it took months for me to focus on the obvious.  I went to a lawyer (I talked with several) who now is investigating the circumstances at the facility my mother was in.


I was and I am alone going through all this, but it has felt like a relief to turn this over to an attorney.  It's not about gaining money as most of these "big business" nursing home chains include "arbitration" clauses in their contracts that benefits them to some degree, but it's about holding these places accountable. 


I have learned so much during the last few months about greed in the nursing home industry and the medical industry.  It makes me ill how our elderly are treated. 


I encourage you to listen to your conscience, but you must let yourself grieve and you must be kind to yourself.  


Again, I send you my sincerest condolences on the loss of your Mom.



Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 12:20 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105

I am so very sorry for what you've been through.  I am very sorry for your mother and I'm glad she now has peace.  I am sorry for the loss of your friend.  You've been through too much and I hope soon you can rest and have peace in your life.  I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.  Bless you.
Me Again
Posted: Wednesday, May 15, 2013 2:03 AM
Joined: 9/12/2012
Posts: 7

Kindness ~ 

There is no greater loan than a sympathetic ear.  ~ Frank Tyger 


Thanks to all of you who took the time to reply and offered comforting words of advice and Logic at a time when all I could do was scream and nobody was listening.


I had a service for my friend/sister on Saturday the 20th, Monday night the 22nd   I left here at 9;30 pm and drove all night 14 hours to make it within minutes to my mothers service on Tuesday in California.


 Yesterday, Monday the 13th, I lost my best buddy, Kody. ~ My peek a poo who was almost 20 years old, He also had dementia and arthritis was starting to get pretty bad  so I made the decision to help home go home and be with my mom. I stayed with him and held him in my arms and told how much joy and love he'd given us all over the years, that we loved him and he could go home now.

Kody was suppose to go the same week as my sis and Mom, I just couldn't handle one more that day so I kept him comfortable and quit being selfish long enough to pull myself together to help him. He was so peaceful.


 Three of the closest beings in my life, besides my son, gone in less than a month. I was losing it there for a while but I'm on my way back and treasure what I had with each one of them,  I'm so glad they were all part of my life, each one of them made me who I am, I'm so thankful and will do my best with my time here to make them proud. I have to do something with this anger & hurt, I can't change what happened but I can make it better for someone else...


 I have no contact with my older siblings any longer,  my lil sister and I are still very close. My relationship with my father and son was damn near shredded over the nightmare they were caught in between but we worked thru it and they agreed she needed to be up here where I could care for her  I would not give up on her, I had promised her that. I would do it all over again if need be. I wanted more time with her of course but I am so angry at what they robbed her of and the mental & physical torture she suffered.


 I spoke with  a lawyer last week to get help since I cannot get a copy of any of the complaints filed with "Adult Protective Services" It's not about money, I could care less, it's about making the responsible parties accountable for what they did to my Mother, what their still doing to those in their care now,  It has got to stop...I was told by one of the best Lawyers in the field in my area , he was recommended by a high profile Attorney in Portland, that what "they" did to my mother contributed to her death, That he believes she "suffered" greatly and that "they were neglectful, but there just isn't a case here, your mom was 76 years old, alzheimers, brittle bones. Sorry I can't help you. I think I stopped breathing for a while (lol)   


 This was going to break me,  2 CNA's that quit that week, who were more than willing to testify to the horrors they witnessed while employed there, 2 woman begging for someone to listen just like I had been doing in the 10 weeks my mom was there, severe physical abuse of three patients and death of a man in his forties, that didn't need to be and changing his DNR after he stopped breathing all in one week, my mom being one of them, He said he didn't even want to talk to them.


  The nursing board doesn't want to listen, Human Resources, Protective services, Ombudsman. Everyone sends me somewhere else that just leaves me chasing my tail. Leave messages they wont call back or want it in writing , I've got 3 boxes of notes and timelines alone, I wouldn't make the deadline for filing. I am still just SICK about how the elderly are being treated here the injury & death rate is not truthful in the reports according to staff. I will be heard one way or another, I will not be quiet or fade into the back round.


Any advice or referrals welcome...


I just came on here to do some research and saw the messages from people who cared and understood,  Someone who has never met me and can CLEARLY see that I was on the edge and screaming, ranting almost incoherently at times, but you listened anyway, I just wanted to say Thank You for being there.... and so sorry I did it again,,,,


I am going to honor my mother and turn this nightmare into something positive, that she would have done, I will  try to speak for those who can't, I may not be able to stop the CEO's that own these houses of horror or stop the pay offs to officials but they're going to HATE ME. I will make so much noise, a back round in politics and media helps trust me. Thanks guys I feel better again... bet your glad I'm not on here all the time  


" To know what is right and not do it is the worst cowardice" ~

Posted: Wednesday, May 15, 2013 10:42 PM
Joined: 11/17/2012
Posts: 1203

Other than contacting an attorney or making a formal complaint to your state dept of health, I dont know what else to advise.

dj okay
Posted: Friday, May 17, 2013 11:13 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 1840

Me Again,


It sounds like you have a plan.  That's a great place to start.  Feeling that you will be honoring your mother and others that cannot speak for themselves will be plenty of motivation for you.


May you find peace in doing this.  And may you find comfort in your grief.

Posted: Saturday, May 18, 2013 9:41 PM
Joined: 12/20/2011
Posts: 276

Fight on it is up to ALL OF US to fight 4 change. And hold those TAKING CARE OF THOSE WHO CANNOT CARE 4 THEMSELVES  accountable.I wish you the best sending much strength n peace 2 U.