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Wondering why I don't feel sadder
Little Wing
Posted: Saturday, July 6, 2013 3:59 PM
Joined: 5/15/2013
Posts: 146

My mom died two weeks ago.  I've had a few crying jags, one REALLY big one but for the most part I haven't been crying a lot.  I haven't been sleeping well at all since then, though.  Two to three hours here and there.  I was with my mom when she died, so I'm wondering if that's why I don't feel sadder. It was such a blessing to be there.   My mother was always very clear about what she wanted (she told us decades ago about end of life issues for herself) at the end of her life and we honored her request and let her go quickly and peacefully.  Maybe because I was there I don't feel worse?  I feel a little guilty about not being sadder, which is weird..... or am I just afraid to let the guilt go that I was feeling before she died?  I feel so confused that I try not to think about it.  That can't be good either.  Just needed to get it out of my head, thanks for reading.
Posted: Saturday, July 6, 2013 4:04 PM
Joined: 4/19/2012
Posts: 414

I didn't cry a lot when my mom died. I felt relief for her.....her suffering was finally over. I still feel relief, and I am coming up on the 1 yr. anniversary in a few days.


With grief, you feel what you feel, none of it is wrong. But don't deny the feelings, be gentle with yourself, cry, celebrate her life when you want, it all just "is"...

Posted: Sunday, July 7, 2013 6:50 AM
Joined: 12/2/2011
Posts: 726

@little wing -- Everyone grieves in their own way.  Accept how you feel without any guilt. As faraway said, be good to yourself.  Also, don't be surprised if your grief is triggered when you are least expecting it.  It might be a smell, a song, a place, a holiday, an anniversary or a thought of "I have to tell mom about this..."  Sometimes a memory will bring a smile to your face.  Other times, it may bring you to your knees. It just is what it is.  Hugs...


@faraway -- Thinking of you in the next few days as the anniversary of your parents' passings approaches. I hope you can reflect back on their whole lives, not just on the end. Sending gentle hugs your way... 

dj okay
Posted: Sunday, July 7, 2013 10:38 AM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 1840

Little Wing,


I kept thinking I was doing really well, then something would hit me and bring out the grief.  A month after my mother passed away, I had a colonoscopy.  When I came out of the aenesthesia, I began crying like it just happened.  It was like the grief was all brand new.  I realized then that grief is a physical thing as well as emotional.  You have to let it be the way it is.  I think your lack of good sleep is part of it.  It is very much a physical process even though you don't feel sad.  Your body just have to work out the grief in its own way.


I was with my mother when she passed, too.  I think it did help me initially.  I felt relief for her initially that she finally wasn't suffering any more.


But I still miss my mama.


I'm glad you've decided to join us here.  You will find a warm place to share your thoughts as you work through your grief process.  Each of us is different, but we all understand.

Take care.  Hugs(((((())))))

Johanna C.
Posted: Sunday, July 7, 2013 10:57 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 13593

This is the anniversary of my mother's death, it is a poignant time. 


Little Wing, my experience mirrors yours.   I too was with my mother when she passed from this life and it was my honor and privilege to be with her in love as she took the final steps of her journey.  It was a humbling experience and one that was deeply and profoundly felt.


I too shed many tears at that time.  Yet, I was surprised that I was not breaking down as I had expected I would during the days and early weeks after.  Perhaps it was because many tears had been shed on her behalf during those long years of her illness, I don't know.  This is just the way it happened.  It does not mean my heart did not ache nor was she far from my mind, for my heart did ache and she was near and dear to my mind.


For a time afterward, I did have some sleep disruption.  I think this was the way my mind was processing everything, and I did have so many thoughts running hither and thither.  To be expected, I would suppose.  Some folks just can't stop sleeping; sleep is an escape and another way to process such dynamics.  No one size fits all in this category.


What I did find, was that suddenly, when least expected, even months later, I would unexpectedly find myself with tears in my eyes or tears running down my face.  A sudden thought, a particular sight, song, remembrance, and sometimes for no reason at all - there I would be.


Sometimes, I silently talked to her in my heart, short but loving thoughts.  Sometimes thoughts of her fleetingly come in and out of my mind, and I might even say out loud if no one was around; "Ah, Mom."  These are not overwhelming times nor lengthy times, nor fraught with extreme grief; they are but moments that come and go.  This is my experience.


There is no one way to grieve and we are all different and our experiences are different even though we had pre-conceived ideas or expectations.  Just accept where you are at and do not be surprised if at times you do find tears welling up, it happens and our Loved Ones are still our Loved Ones; that golden thread is always with us, never to be broken.


There is no right or wrong way to feel.  It just is what it is without our conscious effort.  You loved your mother deeply and were such a wonderful carer and advocate for her - you were a true blessing in her life. What an awesome gift you gave of yourself.


Johanna C.

Posted: Sunday, July 7, 2013 7:22 PM
Joined: 3/13/2013
Posts: 49

Hi little wing I'm sorry for your loss.  I lost my mom 2 months ago.  I haven't really cried much either I think I shed most of my tears during her long struggle with alzheimers (about 7 years total 2 of which were stage 7 and bedbound that was heartbreaking.  I also was with my mom when she passed and I was relieved she wasn't suffering with this awful disease anymore.  The sadness and tears will come in there own time and in waves.  As caregivers we see what this disease does to someone we love and we just don't want them to suffer anymore and I know my mom is in heaven and that is all that matters.  Take care of yourself you are in my prayers.
Little Wing
Posted: Sunday, July 7, 2013 7:31 PM
Joined: 5/15/2013
Posts: 146

thanks everyone - i'm glad others understand, it's always good to feel that you're not spinning alone on your own planet with weird thoughts.  The last few days I find when the phone rings I think one of two things:  "something's wrong with mom" as that was so frequently the thought this last year" or "hope that's mom", something to the effect of how I'd love to chat with her real quick.  That thought makes my heart go kathump when i have it.  My mom and I had lively, easy conversations when she was with it mentally and great laughs.  That's what I miss.  I did find an old message from her on my phone from a few years back that was great to listen to.  It was just a thank you for flowers I had sent her for no reason.  What a gift.  But it's not the same as the fun convos we used to have.  And then I jump to the more recent Alzheimer-laden conversations we used to have and how frustrating and annoying they were at times.  I certainly don't miss those (and I'm sure she doesn't either!!) but I miss the easy fun times.  My solace lies in the fact that I do believe she's in some better place, call it heaven, call it the next plane, the next station - call it what you like.  And she's with her favorite sister in law, her best friend and my nana - playing solitaire, drinking coffee and laughing and having fun.  That's when I feel better.  : )
one daughter
Posted: Monday, July 8, 2013 12:31 AM
Joined: 1/30/2013
Posts: 1980

I used to tell my husband that when something happened to my mama or daddy I would have to be locked up. Well I lost my daddy in March of this yr. I was with him when they pulled him up to the Hospice floor. I got to tell him goodbye. But when they took the oxygen mask off of him, his breathing became really hard. My brother knows how much I love my daddy & he said "you might want to walk out now." I grabbed my husband & told him "I can't watch him die". I had to leave the room. I was glad I stayed as long as I could. Thank God, daddy was already sleeping. I didn't cry as much as I thought it would. I think my reasoning is because I had so much on my mind. I had mama & I'm her guardian so I had to start searching for CG's, banking accounts, a park to run. Now like everyone has said...I see something in the grocery store that I know he would like to have, I start crying, I come to his house & see the things he used to eat, I start crying, my mama asks about him, I start crying, I see a date on an invoice that I did before he passed, I start crying. I still can't open his bedroom closet door. God bless you.
Posted: Monday, July 8, 2013 8:44 AM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433


Little Wing,


I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom a little over a year ago, June 22, 2012. I always told my husband that when I lost my Mom I would be a basket case. So I have been surprised how well I have handled losing her. Yes, I have cried many times over the last year. But not what I expected. My husband, my rock, has helped me through this. He has helped me to realize that Mom wanted more than anything else in this world for her children to be happy. So I decided to be happy ~ for her, for me and for my family. I know that sounds so simple, but it has helped me more than anybody will ever know.


I still have things that I just can't get past without crying. "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" gets me every time. Mom was a HUGE Cincinnati Reds fan. Had been all her life. So we had that song played at her funeral. I still can't hear it played without crying. I agree that grief hits you sometimes when you least expect it. A song, a smell, a place, sometimes just a feeling.


Be kind to yourself. Come back and let us know how you are doing. We are all here because we "get it". We've been there. We are all going thru the grief process. We're not all in the same stage of the process but we all understand and we understand what you are going thru.





I'll be thinking of you as the anniversary approaches. I wish you peace on that day. Hugs to you.