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Loosing my spouse and feeling lost
Posted: Tuesday, August 20, 2013 9:43 AM
Joined: 6/18/2012
Posts: 185

It's been a little over three months since my husband past.  I'm still reeling from this. I thought I'd prepared myself to live alone, but I'm not doing too well.  After 52 years of living with my best friend, I can be in a crowd and still feel alone.  I'm going to be 70 in a couple of months, I feel so lost without a partner to share my life.  My son and grandson have moved in with me, but I still feel lost.  Does this feeling ever go away. I don't trust my judgment on getting close to people, a friend I thought came to stay with me right at first.  She was company, my sons didn't trust her, so I asked her to leave.  Now I find out she took my dead husbands library card out of my house, used it to check out a bunch of books.  I got a statement that these books where delinquent. I asked her about it, she said no big deal she would return them, that I couldn't be charged for them anyway.  The point is she took something out of my house that didn't belong to her.  Now I don't feel safe in trusting my judgment. She didn't apologize just acted like it was nothing for me to be upset about.  

What would you do?  

Posted: Tuesday, August 20, 2013 1:30 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105

I would continue to come here for support to this forum.  There are others here who have lost their partners, as well, and they have an understanding of what you are going through.  I don't think anybody who hasn't gone through this experience can fully grasp the magnitude of the loss unless you have experienced it personally.  While I know others can empathize, talking to people who have experienced it can help to share the feelings.


You are in a very vulnerable position right now, your loss is so fresh.  Unfortunately, there are people who are not as sensitive as we would like to be, such as this woman who stayed with you.  She should not have taken anything from your home without first asking.  If you haven't already told her, I'd tell her you don't appreciate her doing that and it is a big deal for you, receiving a notice from the library about overdue books in your husband's name, that's number 3, to not return the books and cause them to be overdue, that's number 2, to remove anything from your home and going through your personal belongings without permission, that is number 1. 


It may be a good idea for you, as well, to look into joining a grief support group or talk to a grief counselor.  There are so many feelings one goes through when losing a loved one, losing a spouse/partner someone you've shared many many years together and someone you've shared a life with is very difficult and guidance and support I believe are essential.


Surround yourself with people who care and love you and who truly want to support you, this is the time for true friends and family and others who understand the grief process.

one daughter
Posted: Wednesday, August 21, 2013 2:06 PM
Joined: 1/30/2013
Posts: 1980

Don't blame yourself for poor judgement of this (so-called) friend.  I've been in those shoes.  I took a friend in who had just had a baby (this was years ago).  I knew since we were kids.  I took her in cause her & the newborn baby had nowhere else to go.  After a couple of months i stopped getting my phone bill.  So I called the phone co & they gave me a balance due of $500 & some odd dollars.  There was no way.  They told me that there were calls made to the psychic numbers. I confronted my friend & she made those calls.  I got the charges waived.  My friend said no big deal, I'll pay it.  Then a week later I found my credit card statement in the room i let her use.  That was the last straw.  I told her to start calling HUD, food stamp office, whoever else she had to call cause I wanted her out of my house.  It took about a week 1/2 & she was gone.  But for that wk 1/2, i locked everything up in my bedroom & had to have a door knob put on, so then i had to use a my own home. 

I don't know what it's like to lose a spouse, but i do know what it's like to lose a father.  My daddy passed in March of this year.  And I can tell you it's not easy on my mama.  Altho she has ALZ, she knows he's not there....after 50 yrs of marriage.  She still looks for him in the house & she asks about him.  She has a blank look on her face alot of times.  Just this past Sat my brother did something to make her mad & she went to the couch (where my daddy always slept) & said to the couch.Grace tell him to go.  It was @ 1 a.m. so she didn't see that he wasn't there. 

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I hope God will help you with your healing.  God Bless you.

dj okay
Posted: Wednesday, August 21, 2013 3:29 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 1840

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband.  I have lost my daddy and now my mother, but I can't imagine losing my husband of 43 years, so my heart goes out to you.


I receive a monthly newsletter from the funeral home that did my mother's funeral.  It has been helpful.  One of the articles spoke about the heart and the mind.  You can, as you said, think that you are prepared to live alone or to deal with a loss.  After all, we dementia caregivers usually have quite some time to adjust to the idea that we are going to lose them.  But having our mind accept the loss and having the heart able to deal with it are two different things.  I think this is where you are right now.  There are steps you can take to reach the acceptance of the heart.  A grief counselor can take you through the steps, or there are a number of great books out there on the subject.


Add to that the betrayal of trust of a friend and you are left hurting and unsure of the future.  Yes, you might need to be more careful in trusting people but you shouldn't give up on everyone.  But as KML said, you are vulnerable right now so you need to exert a little more caution in all the decisions you make.


Three months is a very short time, considering you were married 52 years!  Be gentle with yourself.  Grief is a process and we cannot hurry it, no matter how much we might like to.


I have found this forum to be helpful to me as I grieve my mother.  Please feel free to share your thoughts here.  Maybe some words from another member will touch your heart and help you through to a better day.


Sending you a soft hug((()))

Posted: Wednesday, August 21, 2013 5:24 PM
Joined: 6/18/2012
Posts: 185

Thank you everyone that responded, I'm being careful by only trusting my family and a couple of close friends now.  I've been searching for books on the subject. If anyone knows of a good book I would like to read it.
dj okay
Posted: Wednesday, August 21, 2013 8:18 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 1840

If you are religious, or at least a believer, I would recommend "When Grief is Your Constant Companion".  It is a devotional guide, written by a woman who lost her husband.
Posted: Thursday, August 22, 2013 12:53 PM
Joined: 6/18/2012
Posts: 185

Thank you I will get this book.
Posted: Thursday, August 22, 2013 2:51 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105

I read on Grief and Grieving by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and she has other books as well on grieving.  For me, it was validating to read what she wrote, it seemed she was writing to me, so that told me everything I was feeling was normal and valid, because she wrote this book for everyone who has lost someone they love.
Posted: Thursday, September 12, 2013 2:41 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 6

i recently lost my husband of almost 33yrs together he was only 54,to cancer on 7/27/2013 .afterwards id lay in bed all day n night barely getting up to care for mom n law i started to listen to audra mcdonald song ill be here the song hit home to me,i cried alot,living and caring for mom n law is hard ,she cant hear has dementia and i cant really talk to her ,so i feel alone,i promised my hubby that id care for her as long as i can,i returned back to work yesterday 9/11/2013 only worked 4hrs but it helped greatly,
Posted: Tuesday, December 31, 2013 7:06 PM
Joined: 7/14/2013
Posts: 7

To each of you who have posted on this thread, I so wish I could just embrace you tightly and express how very sorry I am that you have to feel this way. I just left my father who is slipping away more and more each day and I felt as if my heart would burst with the depth of the sadness I felt . I live five and a half hours away and so it will be awhile before I get back. I just wanted to say God bless you and may you find small moments of joy as you heal. Beth


Posted: Wednesday, January 1, 2014 9:25 AM
Joined: 12/30/2012
Posts: 3520

dnartist, I am glad you are still on the boards getting support and sharing your grief with us.  It has been a short time since your loss. Time will ease some of the pain. What a blessing your son and grandson have been showing you not to trust your "friend"! Praying and sending you hugs and tears. 


Posted: Wednesday, February 5, 2014 10:37 AM
Joined: 1/31/2014
Posts: 2

I lost my husband of 49 years Dec. 30, this year (2013). He was 69 and had alzheimers for 10 years. He had a brain bleed and then a craniotomy and never recovered enough to be able to eat and not choke or stand or basically anything. We had already filled out papers for no feeding tubes so it was about 1 1/2 weeks after surgery. I feel so alone. I was his primary caregiver and the last 2 years my life was taking care of him. I bathed him dressed him and everything I am having trouble adjusting to a life without him. We were married when I was 18 and I have never been alone. I miss him terribly. I am thinking I should go to a grief meeting or something. I have my family and they are great but I still feel lost. It is like I don't have a purpose anymore. My days were filled with taking care of him and now he is not here.  I stayed by his side during the last week and a half and even slept with him in the hospital bed. I still wonder what if I had done the feeding tube. He was totally dependent on me for everything, although physically he could walk and was in good shape. He could not talk and make any sense except a word once in a while made sense. I felt in my heart that he would not want to go on this way but you wonder.
Posted: Wednesday, February 5, 2014 1:17 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105



I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband.  I think your idea of going to a support group or grief counselor is a very good idea and can only be of help and comfort to you.  After a loved one's death we have so many thoughts and emotions and keeping churning over and over in our heads.  We doubt ourselves, we second guess everything we've done, decisions that were made, plus we miss them so much.  That is a lot to handle on our own and talking with someone who is objective is very helpful, they can help guide us through those feelings.  Everything you are feeling is very normal to the grief process and it is quite a process, no timeframe for it, no right or wrong way to do it.  It's something we all have to go through, but knowing that doesn't make it any less painful.


I did speak with a counselor and it helped me and I also read about death and grieving and just reading about made me feel normal like everything was feeling was right there in a book, so I knew then that my feelings were shared by many. 


It takes a lot of time to grief and your loss is still very new and fresh.


With my mom, it was decided not to put in a feeding tube, I agonized over that decision and for a long while after her death I still wondered if we did the right thing for her.  But in knowing my mother, I knew she would not want to live that way and she was finished with this earth and wanted to be released.  I've come to realize and accept that and I know we did the kindest thing for her so she didn't have to suffer any more.


I'm glad that you have come here, there will be others who will offer suggestions and support and comfort to you.  Take care