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Oh no...not Dad!!!
Oceanbum
Posted: Friday, November 14, 2014 9:56 AM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433


I really don't know where to start on this. My emotions are everywhere. As some of you may remember I lost my Mom to Dementia in June 2012. Dad had a really hard time coping with her loss. They were married 58 years and together over 60, high school sweethearts. Well, he started seeing a lady about a year ago. He said as a dinner companion, nothing more. He doesn't want a relationship or isn't looking to get married. He's just looking for somebody to go to dinner with and take trips with, nothing more. I'm not sure if that's what this lady was looking for or not, but that's his intentions. Well, recently she started making him get rid of things that reminded him of Mom - his furniture for example. She said it was too hard on him and held too many memories. Well, yeah GOOD memories. Now in the last couple of weeks Dad's health has taken a sudden nose dive. He went from walking 3 miles a day with a heart as healthy as a horse to not even having the strength to take out his trash or go to the mailbox. He's weak, he's exhausted, he's confused, his memory is declining, etc. Just boom...like that all of the sudden with very little warning. The doctor did bloodwork and ran an EKG. They were both fine but he is sending him next week for an MRI of his brain to look for a stroke or Dementia. I know he's no spring chicken, he will be 81 next month, and these things can happen as you get older. But I can't help but wonder if pushing him to get rid of things that remind him of Mom somehow contributed to a stroke, if that's what it turns out to be.

 

Any thoughts or advice?


KML
Posted: Friday, November 14, 2014 11:25 AM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


Oceanbum:

 

I'm sorry, I really hope the tests turn out to something treatable.  This woman telling your dad to get rid of things in his home, is none of her business.   It does sound like she's trying to muscle in the picture and she doesn't live there, right? then it really is none of her business.

 

If your dad is comfortable with his home the way it was and is, it should remain like that.  I bristle at people who suggest getting rid of memories and things belonging to someone who has passed.  While I can understand clothing and personal items, furniture, no.  Furniture is part of the home, home is part of the people who live there and unless your dad is uncomfortable with having those things around, those things should stay.  The decision would be your dads, and not someone pushing him.  He may find a sense of comfort in these things, and that would be his choice to keep.

 

Hopefully, he's not feeling pushed by this person.  If there is a way that you can talk to him, to let him know that what's in his home, belongs to him, and he has every right to keep his home and things as he wishes.

 

Some people think that by completely changing the environment, wiping out everything that reminds them of a person, is going to help.  I find the opposite, I find it comforting to have these things. 

 

Especially for an older person, I think the familiarity of their surroundings, the things they have acquired over the years is especially important.

 

My opinion is this woman is overstepping her bounds and is really hoping to have something more, she sounds like she is trying to take control and move on in.

 

Again, I hope your dad's health can be resolved and I hope he'll listen to your thoughts and suggestions.  Take care.

 

 


Oceanbum
Posted: Wednesday, November 19, 2014 7:57 AM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433


Hi KML,

 

Thanks for your thoughts and advice. That's exactly what I thought. I was worried maybe I was too close to the situation and wanted an outside opinion.

 

Things have changed since my post. She showed her true colors. She ended their relationship. I'm not sad to see her go but her timing could have been better. Here Dad is unable to get around or drive and she decides she doesn't want to care for somebody who is sick. She was only in it for somebody to take her out to dinner and take her on trips. I never trusted her or her intentions from the very beginning. I didn't post this part of it but when she first started coming around my Dad her husband was in a nursing home dying with Parkinson's disease. She was bringing my Dad dinner nightly while her husband was dying. She set her sights on Dad before her husband was even dead. She even asked my Dad to be her "date" to her husband's funeral. She also sent him a fruit basket for Christmas on the DAY of her husband's viewing. Is that sick or what?! When my Mom was in the nursing home Dad sat there by her bed, holding her hand ~ all day, every day until she went to bed. He did this EVERY day until she passed away. He was completely, totally devoted to her in every way. He NEVER would have thought of leaving her side to find a "replacement".

 

Anyways, he has his MRI Friday. My sister-in-law is taking him to it and then I intend to go with him and her to the doctor's appointment to get the results. Then we will figure out our game plan.


King Boo
Posted: Wednesday, November 19, 2014 8:37 AM
Joined: 1/9/2012
Posts: 3440


Oh my goodness.   While revolting, the true colors she showed are revealing, and it is good that she is out of the picture.

 

I would suggest that you check Dad's finances, accounts and credit scores just in case she took off with something.  I've mentioned credit freezes a lot on the boards; if there is any chance she has his personal information, placing a credit freeze with all 3 agencies would prevent fraud for Dad.

 

I hope Dad improves back to baseline. 


KML
Posted: Wednesday, November 19, 2014 12:06 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


Oceanbum:

 

Actually, it probably is perfect timing for her to have done this.  Now your dad can see for himself the type of person she is.  You want to see a person, their character on your worst days, if you have someone who sticks by you during the hard times, that's a quality person, if they take off running, well then good riddance and thankfully out of your life.

 

I will say prayers for your dad that he will be well.  He has a loving family and he's fortunate in that.  Take care and I wish your family well.

 

 


dj okay
Posted: Monday, December 1, 2014 7:08 AM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 1840


Dear Oceanbum,

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad.  Do you have any test results yet?

 

I will say a prayer for him, and you.

 

Hugs,

dj


Oceanbum
Posted: Tuesday, December 9, 2014 3:54 PM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433


Thanks dj,

 

Unfortunately, things took a very bad turn. After the MRI my sister-in-law called me. She said Dad was so weak they had a horrible time getting him in and out of the car. She asked me if I thought we should call a squad and have them take him to the hospital. It was our thought he was becoming dehydrated from not eating or drinking for such a very long time. I told her I thought that would be best. So she called my 3 brothers and that's what we decided to do. They all left work and I did, too and we all met the squad at the hospital. The MRI showed a slight occipital stroke. We thought OK, this is something we could deal with. Nothing too major. It was what the doctor said next that stunned us all. He said he was looking for cancer. He wanted to do a CT scan because his calcium levels were sky high and his liver function was irregular. So they did the scan later that night and admitted him to the hospital. The next day I arrived at the hospital hoping for the best. Dad told me he had spoken to the doctor and it was a small heart problem. So I thought OK, not a big deal. Then his companion (who was back because it was a misunderstanding; she hadn't broken up with him ~ she was just grumpy) said it was a small lung cancer. Well, I needed to know what was going on. So my sister-in-law called and she had spoken to a nurse and found out it was bad. So I grabbed my brother out of the room and we went and found the nurse to get the results of the CT scan. It showed cancer spread througout his organs. The cancer doctor came in later that day and told us it was cancer that they believe started in his lung, encasing the pulmonary artery, several large spots on his liver, and had spread to his spine and ribs. Radiation and surgery were not options. Chemo would make him sicker if it didn't kill him. He chose to not take the chemo. The doctor game him 2 weeks to 3 months. As it turned out he didn't make it out of the hospital. He died Dec. 1 after 10 days in the hospital. We were in such a state of shock. He went from walking 3 miles a day and bowling 2 days a week to having cancer and being gone ~ just that fast. We had no signs and no clues. One of the doctors told us that the signs may have been there but we just didn't see them. He was SO healthy and walked so much that we just didn't see it. And the last 2 1/2 years he was in such a deep depression over losing Mom if he said he wasn't sleeping, or he didn't feel like eating we thought it was because he was missing Mom.

 

I'm still in such a state of shock, disbelief, a feeling of being numb. I just can't believe he's gone. He was SO healthy. He had just said to a me a week before he felt like he'd live to be 95! I thought he would, too. He was 80, would have been 81 on Christmas Eve. He died on Dec.1, the day before Mom's birthday. I know they celebrated her birthday together in Heaven this year. 

 

RIP Dad...I love you and will miss you forever.

 

 


KML
Posted: Tuesday, December 9, 2014 6:20 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


Oceanbum:

 

I am so terribly sorry for this sudden loss.  I cannot tell you how truly sorry I am to hear this.  Gosh, Oceanbum, I hope you feel the hugs I am sending you.  There are no words that are adequate enough to say. 

 

Just know that we are thinking of you and holding you close in our thoughts and prayers.   I can only imagine what you are feeling, going through. 

 

This is so very sad, so unexpected, just so hard.

 

Your mom and dad are together and I hope in time that can bring some comfort.  There is no time that's easy to lose someone.  I'm just so sorry,  unexpected deaths are very difficult to absorb.  I know you are feeling numb right now and you will for awhile.  Please take care. 


Oceanbum
Posted: Wednesday, December 10, 2014 10:14 AM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433


Thank you, KML. Yes, I am feeling numb and I am sure I will for quite some time. Like I said we had no indication that he was sick. I guess that's what makes it seem so unreal. Every time I go by the house to pick up the mail or check on the house I expect Dad to answer the door. Yesterday I picked up the death certificate. It made me sick to my stomach to be holding it in my hands. I know he is with Mom and that's where he has wanted to be for the last 2 1/2 years. He has missed her SO much. So I am happy that they are, once again, together as they shoud be.

 

Thank you for the thoughts, prayers and hugs. They mean so much to me right now.


KML
Posted: Wednesday, December 10, 2014 12:22 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


Oceanbum:

 

I can understand how you feel.  There wasn't much time to process what was happening.  There's no way to know when something like this happens, just so fast, so unexpected, no signs whatsoever.

 

I hope you can just take it easy for awhile.  It's a shock to you.

 

Your parents' wedding picture is beautiful.  You were so good to both your mom and your dad and I just know that they carried that love with them on to the next part of their journey.

 

Peace to you and your family.


Oceanbum
Posted: Wednesday, December 10, 2014 1:36 PM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433


Thank you, KML. I love their wedding picture. I like to think this is how they are now. So young and so much in love. The attached Christmas picture is my all time favorite picture of them. I love, love, LOVE this picture.

 

 


File Attachment(s):
Mom and Dad Christmas.jpg (174252 bytes)

farawaydaughter
Posted: Wednesday, December 10, 2014 1:46 PM
Joined: 4/19/2012
Posts: 414


Oh my Oceanbum it was a shock to read this, let alone go through it. My deepest condolences on the loss of your dad so quickly.

Please go very slow in the days and months to come, this kind of shock takes a long time to wear off, I know as I have been through it.

 

Deepest sympathy to you and your family, Farawaydaughter


KML
Posted: Wednesday, December 10, 2014 4:10 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


Becky:

 

The Christmas picture is precious.  They look so young and so happy. I like to think that heaven is what your life was at the best of  times, and those wonderful moments and time in your life are now forever.  I like to believe heaven is being happy, whole and healthy once again.  That's what I imagine heaven to be.  Thank you for sharing this picture.


Oceanbum
Posted: Thursday, December 11, 2014 10:56 AM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433


Thanks Farawaydaughter & KML,

 

The shock will take quite some time to wear off. I was with my youngest brother and sister-in-law at the house last night cleaning out the refrigerator. We talked about how it still doesn't seem real. With my Mom she was sick with dementia and COPD for so long that it was expected, although we still weren't ready for her to go. With Dad it was 10 days from diagnosis to his passing. We talked about what signs were there that we must have missed. I'm sure we will talk about and think about that for days, weeks even years to come.

 

I like your description of what you think Heaven is like. That sounds wonderful. I had a dream one time of my best friend's Mom after she passed away. You have to understand this woman was like my second Mom growing up. I spent just as much time at her house as I did my own. She had Parkinson's for many years. She had been in a wheelchair for the last several years of her life. The night after she died I had a dream, a visit really.  I saw her in a meadow, in a long flowing white gown, with flowers in her hair. She had the most beautiful, peaceful smile on her face and she was dancing. I woke up the next morning with chills and thought "I have to call Joy!!". I had to let her know what her Mom had shown me. She was happy, she was whole, and she was healthy!! 

 


Twink
Posted: Friday, December 12, 2014 9:51 AM
Joined: 3/19/2013
Posts: 1118


Oceanbum, I'm so sorry for your loss! Such a sudden, unexpected passing for your Dad. A shock for you, but perhaps a blessing for him? (Doesn't make it any easier on you though!) Wishing you peace & acceptance. Huge hugs, Twink
Oceanbum
Posted: Friday, December 12, 2014 10:25 AM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433


Thank you, Twink. Yes, I'm so glad he didn't have to suffer long.
dj okay
Posted: Saturday, December 13, 2014 9:12 AM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 1840


Dear Oceanbum,

 

Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss.  I know the pain of losing a precious father so quickly.  My dad was diagnosed with brain cancer just 5 days before he passed.  He was also 81.  When they are doing well so late in life, it is hard to accept, even at 80+.  Both my dad's parents lived well into their 90's.

 

I know these holidays will be hard on you with such a recent loss, plus trying to maneuver through the personal effects and legal/financial stuff.  But do try to be gentle with yourself, not expecting too much too soon.

 

I also tried to console myself with the fact that my dad didn't have to suffer a slow, agonizing death.  But that never seemed to compensate for the days, weeks, or months I felt I could have shared with him.  I just had to learn to accept it for what it was and find peace in knowing that God understands my pain and is there to provide for my every need.  I hope and pray that you will find that peace somewhere in your journey of grief.

 

Blessings to you my friend and warm hugs!

 

dj


Oceanbum
Posted: Monday, December 15, 2014 2:45 PM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433


Thank you, dj. Your words are always so comforting. Yes, the holidays will be tough, for sure. Not only do we have Christmas but Dad's birthday is Christmas Eve, too. So it's definitely going to be a rough one this year. I've managed to keep myself busy with shopping, decorating, work, school events with my daughter, and then of course the estate things for Dad. But as Christmas Eve and Christmas Day nears I just don't know how well I am going to handle those 2 days. I will push myself for my daughters. My brothers and I have decided to have our family Christmas at Mom & Dad's house this year. We will have a carry-in dinner just like we used to have with Mom & Dad. It may well be the last time we will all be together on a holiday at their house. So I think it's important. My youngest daughter doesn't ever remember having a holiday dinner there so I really want her to have a memory of a holiday gathering there. I just wish her Grandparents could be there to celebrate the holiday with us. But, I know they will be.