Lost,

It is Sssoooo hard having to make these decisions for another. I am sorry that you find yourself in these circumstances.

My mother passed from alz in 2010 after more than 10 years of dementia. She was in stage 7 at the time of her passing.

My siblings and I were fortunate in that all our lives she told us to never hook her up to machinery to extend her life. She even filled out a living will stating such. What she didn't address was how she wanted end stage dementia handled should that ever be the case. But we extrapolated from her earlier comments that most likely she would only want comfort care rather than curative at that point.

So when the time came, we signed the dnr and set up hospice. I have never once regretted this decision. I am pretty sure I would have regretted extending her time in late stage.

And now I am in the same boat with my husband who is in early stage 7. He too stated early on that if something came along that would offer him an early out from this disease (cancer, pneumonia, ...) to please allow it to happen. To not extend his life. I have filled out his dnr. And yes, I cried over it. But I feel I am honoring his wishes and offering a more gentle experience for him by not extending this any longer than necessary.

This is only one perspective. For others, curative rather than comfort care only may well be the better choice.

You can consider the different perspectives, but after all is said and done, I would recommend you follow your heart - whichever way that leads. When you decide things from the perspective of love, there is no wrong choice.

Lost,

I'm so sorry you are facing this decision. I lost my Mom to dementia nearly 3 years ago. We only had to make the decision after we found her unresponsive. At that point the doctor presented the options to us and explained each one throroghly. Then he said to us "When making your decision you need to ask yourself - Is this for me or for her?" He said it was totally understandable to want to hold on to your loved on for just a little longer but is it fair to them? That's why he said to ask yourself that question. He said it makes your decision a little bit easier. And he was right. When we looked at what we were going to have to put her thru just to keep her here for just a little bit longer, and the quality of life she was coming back to we decided she wouldn't want that. She would have said "It's time. Just let me go."

Then, in a completely different scenario in December I lost my Dad to cancer. I was his medical power of attorney. He chose to have no chemo, and comfort care. I had to sign the papers for it. It wasn't easy to be the one to sign the papers. But he was the one who made the final decisions. All I had to do was sign. I honored his wishes and that did make it so much easier.

Follow your heart. It will lead you. Hugs to you.

About a year before he passed, the though of putting my father through another hospitalization was horrible.

The more I thought about it, the more convinced that I became that choosing a hospitalization for most issues would be a wrong choice. How frightening for Dad; how unnecessary all the needles, the poking, the tests, the confusing noisy environment, the hospital delirium.

So, we chose palliative care, and evaluated each situation on a case by case basis.

Then came hospice. A wonderful, life changing event for both Dad and I. I will talk more about it at a future date.

I couldn't keep him alive forever; but I needed to make choices for HIM, not for ME. In his final illness, I could have panicked and set him to the ER for bleeding that was making him weak. But to prolong a life via such measurses, only for another few days. . . .seemed wrong.

And so it went.

See hospice professionals for a view into what it means. . . .

King Boo,

Your post did touch on a subject I didn't really mention too much in my post. When Dad was in the hospital he started out in the ER. We took him there by squad because we thought he was getting dehydrated. He had lost his appetite, wasn't eating or sleeping and just seemed out of sorts. We even thought he had maybe had a small stroke. We never thought for a second about cancer. I mean this man walked 3 miles a day, had a heart as healthy as anybody half his age if not healthier, he was just a little run down and had been depressed over losing Mom. We were stunned when the doctor said he was looking for cancer. Then to find out just how much it had spread throughout his body was such a devastation. It was 11 days from the day we took him to the ER until the day he passed. So we went from ER, to hospital care, to palliative care, to the next day would have been hospice care. Once the doctors told him that there was no surgery that could help him, and chemo would only make him sicker if it didn't kill him at that point he chose comfort care. From the time they moved him from a hospital room to a palliative care room things changed drastically. No more taking blood, no more tests, no more poking and prodding. Only a very regimented pain medication schedule. They made sure that he had the pain meds he needed when he needed them. Our family had full and total access to him and the nurses and doctors at all times. We had family members with him around the clock the whole time he was in comfort care. The doctor we had in comfort care was awesome as well. He gave us everything straight up and didn't sugarcoat anything. He told us what to expect and pretty much when to expect it. I can't say enough about our experience with palliative care. And our experience with Hospice with my Mom was just as positive.