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almost 6 months in stage 8
Sea Field
Posted: Thursday, October 1, 2015 8:37 PM
Joined: 8/5/2012
Posts: 1871

Overall I think I am doing really quite well. I'm not as devastated, nor as exhausted as the first couple of months. I do some things that I really enjoy, like learning to drum.

Even so, the tears still come. Usually unexpectedly. One minute I think I am going about my business. The next I am weeping. And missing DH so very much. Like tonight.

Tomorrow is my birthday. DH never made a big deal out of birthdays. Usually I needed to remind him mine was coming up. He never could remember the date. But don't get the wrong impression. He often gave me gifts. Didn't matter what day it was - he would surprise me through out the year. He was generous that way.

So I am about to have my first birthday without him. I didn't think it would bother me all that much. And yet, I can't stop weeping. Obviously it means more than I was letting myself realize.

Tomorrow, my sister and her husband are taking me out to a movie and for a bite to eat afterwards. It will help.

Even so, oh how I miss him.


Posted: Thursday, October 1, 2015 10:52 PM
Joined: 10/6/2012
Posts: 924

Cynthia, happy birthday!

I often feel the same as you. I'm good for a few days and then something just sets me off and I'm weepy for a few hours or a few days. I try to gain wisdom from people who have lost loved ones. Someone I know said that she had a life before her husband, a life with her husband, and now a life after her husband. It sounded easy when she said that but I'm not very sure how to make that work. Another friend lost her daughter to cancer. She told me that it's a sorrow you live with for the rest of your life. I guess that I'm closer to that sentiment.
Hugs, Debra.

Sea Field
Posted: Friday, October 2, 2015 7:54 AM
Joined: 8/5/2012
Posts: 1871

Debra, Thank you for the birthday greetings. You are the first person to wish me a happy birthday.

Or perhaps you are the second. First thing this morning, while sitting in a chair near my bed, the bedside lamp started to flicker quite a bit. I looked at it, then asked Tom if he was sending me a birthday greeting. And then congratulated him because he got the date right!

Posted: Friday, October 2, 2015 2:39 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105

Image result for free birthday clipartHappy Birthday, Cynthia
Posted: Friday, October 2, 2015 2:45 PM
Joined: 12/3/2013
Posts: 306

Happy birthday! Mine was last Tuesday. Don't know why I felt so down all day, not that DH remembered, or any expectations, just getting thru it, I'm going on 9 months, some days, soo down, sorrow, but other days, just fine, guess it's just going with whatever feeling surfaces, walk thru it, go forward. Doing a lot better, just don't know what will be next, someone told me, try, " more being, less doing" Roxy
Posted: Saturday, October 3, 2015 2:13 PM
Joined: 7/21/2014
Posts: 1164

Happy birthday Cynthia and Roxy, sorry the greeting is late. But it is still from the heart. Don't try to hurry yourselves through the process, when it is time, you will know and I hope that at that point you can soar. Leanne
Sea Field
Posted: Sunday, October 4, 2015 11:37 AM
Joined: 8/5/2012
Posts: 1871

Thank you all for the birthday greetings. The day went well.

And Happy Birthday to you too Roxy!!

Leanne, good advice to not hurry the process. I suspect it will take it's own time, whether or not I am aware and in harmony with it. Rhythms of life.

Blessings, Cynthia

Mrs. Braxton
Posted: Monday, October 5, 2015 2:51 AM
Joined: 9/12/2012
Posts: 929

Happy Birthday ūüíź Sea Field
I understand your feelings. I have been so very tired and am being kind and gentle with myself.
We need to go on and begin to create a life for ourselves, just like your doing. Slowly, between resting and crying.

I am glad you had a nice day.


Posted: Wednesday, October 28, 2015 4:07 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4120

Belated Happy Birthday to you!

I am 4 mo of stage 8...(my mom)

Lesley Jean
Posted: Friday, November 13, 2015 3:37 PM
Joined: 2/13/2013
Posts: 2965

Happy Birthday Cynthia!

 Happy Belated Birthday Roxy! 

Posted: Saturday, November 14, 2015 9:18 AM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 12639


 I don't often read this on this forum but I'm going to begin to.  I really hadn't thought of it until Roxy mentioned it yesterday.

 Happy, very belelated Birthdays, Cynthia and Roxy.  So sorry I missed them.

 Cynthia, what you said about the flickering lamp and thinking it was Tom wishing you a happy birthday brought tears to my eyes.  When something a little bit strange happens around here, I always think "that's Charles".

 It's ten months tomorrow for me in Stage 8.  Some days I'm okay and like you all, others I'm a mess.  I'm carrying on with things that need/have to be done but the joy of doing it with Charles is gone.   Cynthia, like you said, I can be doing just fine, then the tears come because of a thought or something I see.   I don't know when, or if, this will stop or at least lessen.  Guess I'll just have to wait and see.

 I don't seem to have as much energy as I did because then I did the caregiving and the things I'm doing now.  By this time I should be fully rested but I tire more easily.  Going to start taking a vitamin, sleep and rest more and maybe it will be better.  I did have a mild concussion and the doctor says it will make me tire more easily.

 I still try to watch the sunrise with Charles.  I say this because the morning of his service I had to be at the cemetery before daylight (Jan.) to show the man where to dig the grave.  As I was leaving the sun was coming up.  I actually stopped the PU and sat there watching it.  His grave and my parents, face east - so every morning when the sun comes up, I kind of feel that I'm watching it with them.  This may sound silly and it may be, but it's just me.