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Mind crushing depression, as bad or worse than when caregiving LO
300sun
Posted: Tuesday, October 6, 2015 2:52 PM
Joined: 2/20/2014
Posts: 294


This house is so quiet and empty. We were 3, now 2.

I cannot imagine this is how one should feel after 6 years of caregiving. I used to dream about running away from that life, now I hate this life.

Guess I will call Hospice for bereavement benefits.

This too shall pass...

Sea Field
Posted: Wednesday, October 7, 2015 8:37 AM
Joined: 8/5/2012
Posts: 1872


I'm sorry for the loss of your Mom. Sometimes the passing of our LOs really take the wind out of us.

I went to a grief support group after my Mom passed from alz in 2010. It helped.

It's worth a try to contact Hospice bereavement services. Hopefully it will prove to be very beneficial to you as you process this immense loss.

Blessings, Cynthia

KML
Posted: Wednesday, October 7, 2015 1:38 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


For the years of caregiving, it's usually a very long stretch of time and we become immersed in it and it is intense and very often the caregiving does fill up our life. When it ends, we are at a loss of what to do now. We are used to a routine, we have a schedule that we follow in caring for our loved ones. When that is gone, it's natural to feel disoriented and a bit lost. This is a normal feeling.

I think bereavement services would be a very good thing. We have to talk to someone who will tell us, this is the process of grief, we might feel lost now, but in time, we'll be okay.

For a variety of reasons I felt lost after my parents passed away. When my mom passed, I didn't think I could stand that. I missed her so much and couldn't imagine a life without her. I still had my family, my husband, my daughter, my father, so all was not lost and I got used to it eventually. I still miss her, but for my mom, her passing was a blessing for her and now I just feel grateful I had the time with her that I did.

When my father passed away, I felt intense guilt of now having more time to myself. I felt guilty for the reason of having that extra time. I didn't know what to do with that extra time. I missed him, but I know now he had to go, he couldn't go on the way he was, his passing was a blessing for him, as well. This is all the effects of grief and loss. It will pass, it will soften and you will go on.

Getting help with this tough part is a good idea, just like in the process of taking care of a love one, we had to rely on others for certain things to help us, this too, we need a little helping hand with also


300sun
Posted: Wednesday, October 7, 2015 2:05 PM
Joined: 2/20/2014
Posts: 294


Thank you both for posting. It helps more than you know.
LDDaughter
Posted: Wednesday, October 7, 2015 5:58 PM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 1065


300sun, It's a big hole to fill. Sending you hugs.

KML, What did you do with the extra time you had? This is something I'm starting to think about..

KML
Posted: Thursday, October 8, 2015 5:48 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


LLDaughter:

I'm very sorry for the passing of your mother.

After my dad passed away, I spent a lot of time with my daughter, she was diagnosed with cancer a week before my dad passed away. She's fine now. So for awhile, things were still pretty hectic and at the same time grieving for my dad, so I kind of was numb for quite a while.

My routine was very different, I still went to work full-time as I did before, but after work, I just went home instead of visiting my dad. Weekends, the same, my routine was different, I would always spend time with my dad on the weekends, and then that wasn't the routine anymore. It took a lot of time to adjust, and I know that many will say that it's great to have more time, but for us the more time is because we lost someone, so we go through those feelings, sometimes feeling guilty, sometimes feeling we don't know where to go, what to do. It's an adjustment. It took me a long time not to jump at the sound of the phone ringing at night. Every once in awhile even still, I still react to that though.

After awhile, I tried to catch up on things at home that I didn't have time to do, painting the inside, trying to clean up and organize. Still working on that. Then there was my parents' home to empty.

I started back in on doing a hobby that I enjoy. I read a lot, that helped to get lost in a good story and to not think about other things. I still had work to keep my busy.

I did struggle a lot with my father's passing and my daughter's situation and concentrating on that so soon after my dad passed. Kind of felt like hitting the ground running.

I did see a counselor after my father passed away and tried to work through that.


cadida
Posted: Thursday, October 15, 2015 7:14 AM
Joined: 10/14/2015
Posts: 11


Hi i too lost my mom on june 2015, after 14 years of care giving. She had alzheimers for 12 years. It was very stressful for me, but now i am left knowing i was there for her all the way. I feel the loneliness, but in time it wiill hurt less.she loved you , and i believe she knew you did your best. God bless you💝
300sun
Posted: Thursday, October 15, 2015 9:39 AM
Joined: 2/20/2014
Posts: 294


Cadida, I am very sorry for your loss. You are a saint caring for her 14 years

I think in my situation, I was so focused on my Mom and ignored my physical and mental health. My choice and error.

This is why I will see the Hospice counselor and a medical doctor psychiatrist. I am somewhat broken and need some help getting on track.

I will update as I go along.

Many blessings to you, Cadida!



KML
Posted: Thursday, October 15, 2015 12:36 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


300sun wrote:
I think in my situation, I was so focused on my Mom and ignored my physical and mental health. My choice and error.
300sun:
Don't be hard on yourself. The above is something that most of us do, many times we do it because we don't always have a choice. Sometimes, there is no one else to help us out, sometimes we don't have the money to hire someone, sometimes we don't have willing family participants, sometimes the resources for help just aren't available or affordable. We as a country, need to address this and get caregivers the help they need at an affordable cost. Sometimes, it's just us. I feel very much for those caregivers who are alone in this journey, it's not easy to find the time for yourself. So lots of us ignore ourselves or put off our well-being. I wish it could be easier for everyone, I hope our government will vigorously recognize the problems with Alzheimer's and get people the resources they need. Not everyone is rich and can afford the extra help that is so desperately needed.
You did a tremendous act of caring for your mother. I am glad you are taking steps now to care for you.





300sun
Posted: Friday, October 16, 2015 11:31 PM
Joined: 2/20/2014
Posts: 294


I saw the Hospice bereavement person today. It was a good first meeting, glad I went. I see her in 2 weeks.

I was worried it would be intrusive and creepy. It was alright and I feel better for having gone.

First day I've felt a bit of hope...

jfkoc
Posted: Sunday, October 18, 2015 9:33 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 19849


I feel wounded and need to quietly heal. Sure, I can go out but want to be here in our home with our life around me still.



300sun
Posted: Sunday, October 18, 2015 4:10 PM
Joined: 2/20/2014
Posts: 294


Jfkoc, it's understandable how you feel. It was almost 2 months before I reached out. I still hate leaving the house, but now I have deferred health issues and must.

I don't know how we made it through the last few months of Mom's life.

I am doing things at my speed, hang whatever people think.