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I knew there would be tears
Sea Field
Posted: Saturday, November 28, 2015 12:05 AM
Joined: 8/5/2012
Posts: 1872

I  just didn't realize how many.

Oh how I long for my beloved.  

To hold him.  Look into his eyes. Feel his arms around me.  

So I put on soft music.  And dance.  Slowly.  As if he were here.  I feel his presence - I know he is near.  But still, just out of reach.  

To all of you who have had your hearts split open.  I hear your cries.  They mingle with my own.


Posted: Saturday, November 28, 2015 8:56 AM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 13370

Hi Cynthia,

 I know how you feel.  It's almost 11 months since I lost Charles and the tears still come - sometimes at the oddest times, when I see something that reminds me of him (as if everything doesn't) or a sound or just a thought.

 The very worst time for me is when I first wake up in the morning.  I always reached over and touched his arm to see that he was there and okay - I still do that.  I have the last stocking cap he wore on his pillow along with his picture.   When I feel so very low and am in bed I hold the cap against my check and pretend he's there.

 I don't know when and if it gets better - it hasn't yet.  It helps if I'm busy outside but with the weather we're having I'm stuck inside most of the time.  I still have his picture on the table by his chair - I think I've posted it, the one where it looks like he's looking at me ready to say something. 

 I talk to him, Cynthia, a lot of times as if he was here.  I come inside and tell him what's going on outside.  People would think I'm crazy but it makes me feel better and makes me feel like he's still included in my life.

 I know this may sound silly - but I have what I call sneezing fits, I'll sneeze 8 or 9 times in a row, for no reason.  When I'd do that Charles would always say "are you all right?"   I'd say "excuse me - I'm fine, thank you".   I still do that just as if he had asked if I was all right.

 Do you go to any kind of support or grief share group?  I haven't but am thinking maybe I'll go to the Hospice Grief Share.  I doubt that I could get through a meeting so everyone on this forum is my support group.  I can't imagine what I'd do without all of you.


Posted: Saturday, November 28, 2015 1:34 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 20105

I have the feeling that if I bring dick's ashes home I will carry them around with me. Somehow it seems perfectly reasonable.
Posted: Sunday, November 29, 2015 5:08 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 3720

Sea Field, Your words are sad but beautiful.  May you find peace, Veronica
Posted: Sunday, November 29, 2015 10:57 PM
Joined: 5/2/2014
Posts: 761

Sending you soft hugs
Lesley Jean
Posted: Sunday, November 29, 2015 11:25 PM
Joined: 2/13/2013
Posts: 2965

I don't think you re one bit cray or odd. I pray every night, then I talk to Jerry as if he were laying next to me, in bed. I tell him my thoughts, how much I miss him. Sometimes I will close my eyes and remember the last time he kissed me, the last time he took my hand and kissed it and the last time he aid he loved me. 

It has been a month since he left me. I still cry when I look at his pictures and the flag that covered his casket. I find myself sleeping on his side of the bed. My heart breaks everyday with the loneliness that fills my heart. 

Hugs to all, 


Sea Field
Posted: Monday, November 30, 2015 9:38 PM
Joined: 8/5/2012
Posts: 1872

Thanks to each of you for your kind words.  My heart has been feeling rather fragile of late.  I suspect the holiday season has something to do with it.

I miss my beloved.  I am moving on, but that doesn't stop me from deeply missing him at times.

As all of you know all too well.


Be Strong 2
Posted: Monday, November 30, 2015 9:58 PM
Joined: 12/14/2011
Posts: 1751

I hate the holidays. I was going to post on Facebook, "1 down - 2 to go " but I didn't want my children to be alarmed and think I was depressed. 

It's been 8 months since my J passed, so this is my first Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years completely without her. In reality, though, the 3 years she was in the MCH were spent pretty much without her. She was just beside herself with the confusion of the Christmas party. The actual holidays were better, we just spent a quiet day together. A couple years I went to someone's house for Thanksgiving, she didn't miss me.

There are days, maybe even just parts of days, when the tears will whelm up. I guess that's the way it's supposed to be. Grieving is hard work.

Blessings to each of you as you deal with your thoughts and memories. May the good ones outnumber to not so good ones.


Remember, we're all in the same boat; and the darn thing leaks!


A losing hand.
Posted: Tuesday, December 1, 2015 1:48 PM
Joined: 1/16/2013
Posts: 367


 I guess the tears never stop completely. From what you and others have said, they do slow down. It's still to early for me.

 And when we're not crying, that doesn't mean we're feeling good.

Keep dancing and take care of yourself.   Good luck.



Posted: Monday, December 14, 2015 11:30 AM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 13370

Hi Judith,

 I just  now read your post from November about probably carrying Dick's ashes around with you if you brought them home.    I've heard people say they've put some of them in a little vial and wear them around their neck.  Might be something to consider.

 I hope you're some better - it takes a looong time - I'm not there yet and it's been ll months tomorrow.  I may  never get there.