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Coping
Joyce_S
Posted: Wednesday, January 27, 2016 3:27 PM
Joined: 11/28/2012
Posts: 211


I've been thinking and thinking about how to deal with mom being gone in a realistic way.  

First off, I think it's important to be very, very, gentle with ourselves.  We have shown a lot of courage.  We did everything we knew to do to help our loved one.  Of course we weren't perfect, the best we can be is still human, and bring human means we mess up.  Not just once.  We mess up a lot.

But we gave it our all, didn't we?  And now we're dealing with that profound loss.  Profound loss.  That takes courage, too.  So we deserve to be gentle with ourselves.

Second, I think we need to be ok with how we feel.  Today has felt sad too me, really sad.  So here I am, feeling really sad, tearfully sad, sitting, unable to climb out of the sadness.  At this moment, I'm ok with that deep, deep sadness.  And I'm ok that I've not done any tasks. Tomorrow is another day, and I'll see what comes then, but for now, I feel tears behind my eyes and I need to let that be ok.  Maybe I need to see that I won't die of sadness.

Lastly, I think we need to be able to trust that we will make progress toward incorporating this life-changing earthquake of a thing into something that feels quieter, calmer, poignant, but bearable.

It's been 2 1/2 weeks since mom passed.  I don't know how long I'll sit by the side of the road and let the cars speed by, but I suspect I won't be in the fast lane for a long, long, time.


KML
Posted: Wednesday, January 27, 2016 5:30 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


Dear Joyce:

Yes, you're right, we have to very gentle with ourselves.  What you've been through is an awful lot to absorb.  No one can go through this quickly.  It is still very new and very fresh for you.

My mom has been gone now for 15 years from AD, I still mourn her and there are days the tears still come.  My dad passed away more recently, 3 years ago, from AD, I still mourn him and there are days that I still see and hear his last days in my mind.  It took me about two years after his death to be able to sleep for more than four hours at a time without waking and thinking and thinking and going over everything that happened.

I did find it helpful to speak with a counselor.  I also read a very good book, On Grief and Grieving by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, reading this book and other people's experience made me feel more normal.

Grief takes its own road and timeframe, it is different for everyone.  After my mom passed away, I came to think of grief as my friend, it was the only thing that understood what I was feeling, it allowed me to be quiet, to think, to just slow down and absorb what happened.  This book noted that grief allows us to slowly let our brains and hearts take in what happened, it forces us to just slow down, be quiet with ourselves, push away any unnecessary commitments and just have time to be quiet and be still and take all that has happened in.  It's an important journey.

That is not to say grief has a beginning and an end.  I believe the sadness, the loss goes on, but it does soften somewhat in time so that you can move along with living and again feeling happy and good.  It will come in waves, there will always be reminders, but eventually, you can remember the better and the happier times, and then a feeling of how fortunate you were to have this person in your life for the time they had to spend with you. 

One day, I like to believe we will see all of the people we have loved again and that is a very comforting thought.  In the meantime, we have memories, pictures, special things that belonged to them, we have their traditions that we can choose to keep.  That can be comforting. 

It takes a lot of time, but that's okay.  Something this major, such a change in our lives can't be absorbed too quickly, that would be too much to expect of ourselves. 

 

 


Joyce_S
Posted: Friday, January 29, 2016 3:08 PM
Joined: 11/28/2012
Posts: 211


Thanks KML,

Your response was very much appreciated.  I did call and make an appointment to see a counselor, someone who I've seen in overwhelming periods in my life, who has himself gone through this kind of loss, so I'm hopeful about that.

Thanks also for your recommendation of books on grief.  I'm currently reading - actually, very,very, slowly - a book called "How To Find Peace When Your Heart Is In Pieces".

It was 3 weeks ago today that mom passed, actually about this time of day, and I'm finding, just like you put it, that grief is my friend.  It gives me comfort let my spirit be there with her in that room.  The soft music, the beautiful candle, and my sister and I beside mom's bed.  It was a privilege to be there with her, and I feel like our spirits are forever intertwined.

To be able to realize, even if only for this moment, that mom was tired, and she had a right to leave us, is a comfort.  She was so brave, so loving...

It helps so much to write.  I hope that all of us make our way through this.

Thanks Again,

Joyce

 


His Daughter
Posted: Saturday, January 30, 2016 9:26 PM
Joined: 6/25/2014
Posts: 2270


Joyce,

I'm glad you are seeing a counselor and hope it helps.  I have mentioned this short, little book, called "Good Grief" before, but will throw that title out again.  My SIL gave it to me when my mother died.  And it really helped.  And I know that books can hit different people in different ways, but what I really liked about it was it 1) was short, when you are in a grief state, it is very hard to concentrate on anything.  At that time, I couldn't have handled much deep thought.  2) It got right to the point.  Grief is a normal piece of life and everyone will have it.  There are big griefs and small griefs.  And here are the seven steps.

Just having something that told me why I'd walk in a room and couldn't remember why I was there, helped.  It's old and available for a few dollars on Amazon.  So thought I'd throw out that title,  just in case it might help you also.

 


Lesley Jean
Posted: Saturday, February 6, 2016 10:36 PM
Joined: 2/13/2013
Posts: 2965


Joyce, 

I understand all too well. I lost my mom April 8 th and my husband 6 months later on Oct. 26. A double whammy for me! I became an orphan and a widow in the same year!  

LJ 


Joyce_S
Posted: Friday, February 19, 2016 2:47 PM
Joined: 11/28/2012
Posts: 211


Mom passed away on January 8th of this year.  

All in all, I think I'm doing ok, but at this moment, when I didn't sleep well last night, I feel like I should just keep typing that sentence again and again, because I can't believe it.

Mom passed away on January 8th of this year....

Being in the same house is hard right at this moment.  Looking up and there's the chair where mom always sat, but it's empty.  What I can't believe is that it's not just today, but that I will never have her with me.  I want to be able to talk to her, even if she can't answer back, feed her if she can't eat, put lotion on her, play music for her - I want to be able to do all of that again.

It was exhausting, it was all-consuming.  But I'd do it again without hesitatation.

I think that when I'm overtired it's the worst.  My defenses are down, and I feel the pain of the loss more, maybe that's a healthy thing to feel at times.

It's not like it's been so long, and I'm doing well I think, all in all.  But these moments, these overwhelming moments, hurt so deeply.

Thanks for understanding