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Loss of my brother on Sat. Jan.30, 2016
zallie25
Posted: Monday, February 8, 2016 8:12 PM
Joined: 2/8/2016
Posts: 11


I feel like a have a double whammy my brother finally lost his battle to Alzheimer's 9 days ago and my sister was diagnosed last year with Alzheimer's. My big brother Tony had been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's in his early 50's. I am feeling so lost with the loss of my big brother, I am so heartbroken. I was not one of his primary caregiver's since he lived in FL. and I in NY. I do plan on being one of my sisters primary caregivers for now she is doing well her days are better than the evening hours for her. She makes lists of things she needs to do and does well at keeping herself busy. They were my rocks and now one of my rocks is missing. I spend a lot of time crying for my brother, he was an amazing man and teacher. I did an END ALZ walk last year for them both. I am wondering how I can be a good caregiver for my sister since I couldn't be there for my brother. I am also hoping that it was ok to post in this forum. I am so heartbroken for losing my brother, I can't eat, drink or sleep well. Thanks for reading this and please feel free to reply and give me advice on how to be a good caregiver to my sister when the time comes.

sincerely,

zallie


Pana
Posted: Thursday, February 11, 2016 9:21 AM
Joined: 7/18/2015
Posts: 6


Im sorry for your loss. My mom passed 1/6/16 also
zallie25
Posted: Friday, February 12, 2016 9:10 AM
Joined: 2/8/2016
Posts: 11


Dear Pana,

I am truly sorry for your loss. I am sure you are feeling somewhat how I am feeling on the loss of my brother. Thanks for replying to my post, again I am truly sorry for your loss I am sure you are missing her bunches. May we both eventually find some peace that will help mend our hearts just a little bit.

Sincerely,

zallie


300sun
Posted: Friday, February 12, 2016 9:39 AM
Joined: 2/20/2014
Posts: 294


I am so sorry for your loss.

My best advice, based on caring for my mother, is to plan for the long term.

That includes planning for yourself as a caregiver. What are you reasonably able to do now and long term. 

I'm not sure if your sister is married and if you can help her plan for long term care needs. Everything that is planned now will help later.

Stephanie Z. has a post on the Caregivers board for newcomers. I realize you're not a newcomer, but check out her post. 

I'm glad you posted and hope you also check out the Caregiver board.

Patrick


VKB
Posted: Saturday, February 13, 2016 4:55 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 3683


Zallie, So sorry for the loss of your big brother.  I understand loss.....I often say, "this isn't heaven yet."  Life can be sad and difficult at times....the human condition.  

I have no doubt you will be a good caregiver to your sister since you loved your brother and you love her.  The main ingredient to being a caring caregiver is the ability to choose to love someone even if they drive you crazy or tire you out.  You'll do just fine. I urge you to make sure you have a support system in place, someone who will come a couple times a week to give you respite.  You will need "me time" as much as you need air if you want to stay well and positive. 

Keep in touch, Zallie.  The morning process takes its own time with each person.

I prayed for you.  Peace Veronica

 


VKB
Posted: Saturday, February 13, 2016 4:56 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 3683


Pana wrote:
Im sorry for your loss. My mom passed 1/6/16 also
 
So sory Pana.  My mother passed on in 2007, but I still miss her very much.  Be good to yourself.  Peace Veronica

bela
Posted: Monday, February 15, 2016 1:13 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4120


TEEPA videos are excellent and touch on many topics re care- her videos can be found on youtube.com
bela
Posted: Monday, February 15, 2016 1:17 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4120


TEEPA videos are excellent and touch on many topics re care- her videos can be found on youtube.com
zallie25
Posted: Monday, February 15, 2016 1:35 PM
Joined: 2/8/2016
Posts: 11


Dear Patrick,

Thanks so much for all your wisdom and advice. My sister is married and has 2 grown daughters. Fortunately, my sister has the smarts and the means to prepare for her decline and needing caregivers.....she has this all worked out. She understands how this disease progresses and knows how much care goes into it, because she took care of our aunt who also had this terrible disease of Alzheimer's. She first thought she could do it alone for some time and slowly began to realize she needed family and outside help to look after our aunt. Unfortunately, I was not around at the time to help out with the care of my aunt. I was around my brother for the beginning stages of Alz. but at that time he didn't need caregiving. It was more of minor confusion, forgetting things (such as the day of the week), constant repetition of things he had only told you seconds before, things like that.....his wife moved him to FL and I believe his world fell apart and his progression was quick!! You said I wasn't a newcomer but I am fairly new, haven't posted much because I am spending lots of time crying for the loss of my brother and the impending loss of my beloved sister......they were both my rocks and now one is gone and one will follow in the near future from the same disease. I don't think I can bear that. I am barely coping with the loss of my beloved big brother.

Sincerely,

zallie


zallie25
Posted: Monday, February 15, 2016 2:01 PM
Joined: 2/8/2016
Posts: 11


Dear Veronica,

Thank you for your condolences on the loss of my beloved brother Tony. I am so so sorry for your loss as well. My beloved sister was diagnosed last year, yes she is married to a wonderful and supportive husband. She also has 2 grown daughters who will be assisting with her care when the time comes. Please feel free to read what I posted to Patrick. We the remaining 4 siblings and our Dad are having a very hard time with the loss of our beloved brother. I suffer from major depressive disorder and some other ailments. So I am having a real hard time dealing with this loss and the impending loss of my sister in a few yrs. My brother and my sister were/are my rocks and now one of my rocks is gone and in time my remaining rock won't even know who I am, then I will lose her too. I spend a lot of crying for both losses. We remaining siblings are having a very hard time coping especially since our beloved sister has this horrible disease. She hasn't been answering my calls or returning them, which is very very unusual for her. I don't know if it's the Alz. affecting her with this loss and her own mortality will be kind of like my brother's or if  she is just going through the grieving process and just needs to be alone. Worrying about her doesn't help my ailments. All I can do is cry and keep trying to call her.

Sincerely,

zallie


Lesley Jean
Posted: Monday, February 15, 2016 9:57 PM
Joined: 2/13/2013
Posts: 2965


Pana and Zallie, 

I am so sorry for your loss. 

Big, big bear hugs to you both, 

LJ


Joyce_S
Posted: Tuesday, February 23, 2016 5:31 AM
Joined: 11/28/2012
Posts: 211


Hi Zallie,

First off, my sincere condolences on the loss of your brother Tony.  That must feel devastating, hopefully you're finding support.  I come from a big family, too - there were 10 of us kids, and when they we were all together for my mom's service it felt like such a blessing.  Families may have here ups and downs, but each one of means so much.

Also, my condolences regarding your sister.  Your right, what a double whammy!  I'm so glad that she's got you, as well as her husband and daughters.  Having cared for my mom in my house, I totally believe that one person simply can't handle all of it.  The fact that you're committed to being there for your sister is huge.

 One thing that I found when caring for my mom is that someone has to be the "in charge" person.  My twin sister came out a lot on weekends to give me a break, so she was in charge during that time, but as far as on-going decisions, we would talk things out, and come to an agreement, but in the final analysis, I was in the house, so I was in charge.

I say this because the way I see it, my sister and I took care of mom, for sure.  Her ability to step in when she could, give me support by phone, and in general, have a "how can I help?' attitude will never, ever, be forgotten.  It made all the difference.

So maybe, when at a loss as to how to help, just asking that question of your sister or her husband, might make all the difference.

All my best,

Joyce