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Scattering the ashes
Posted: Thursday, February 25, 2016 1:38 AM
Joined: 9/4/2014
Posts: 418

I just don't know what to do, I have been down to the ocean to scatter Gerda's ashes three times and I CANNOT, yesterday I sat there talking to her for hours, just could not , it's coming up on ten months now you would think I could .My nephew said he would take me out but I want to do that myself, but having a hard time, what does anybody think about that, maybe I'm a little crazy?

Posted: Thursday, February 25, 2016 9:59 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 19625

I have my husband's ashes tucked away in his flight bag. The plan was to have him taken to Arlington but that may never happen. I just want him home with me. Also, I did not have his ashes brought home for 8 weeks. This is about me and him...things will happen when they are supposed to.
Posted: Thursday, February 25, 2016 10:34 PM
Joined: 10/6/2012
Posts: 924

Sometimes your best decision is not to make a decision!  

I initially thought that I would scatter my husband's ashes around a local beach near our home and also in New Orleans around his childhood home.  In a few more days, it will be one year that Dickson passed away.  I have his ashes in a tote bag next to the chair where I watch TV.  I'm thinking that I just might keep it that way.  

I recently scattered my uncle's ashes in a beautiful wooded area near his home.  I didn't look forward to it, and it definitely wasn't an experience I'd want to do again.

Good luck, Debra.

Wife of bill
Posted: Saturday, February 27, 2016 12:02 PM
Joined: 8/13/2014
Posts: 37

We have a summer home on a lake and we always planned on having our ashes scattered on the lake. But when we lost our two sons ten years apart , we bought plots for the four of us. 

When my husband died he was buried by our sons but the funeral home gave me a small packet of his ashes. On a beautiful fall day, my daughter,son in law and their three children boated on the lake and scattered his ashes. It was very meaningful for us as our place there was his favorite place in the world. I have asked my daughter to do the same for me.

I have to mention a happening from that day. As we finished and were quietly floating in the middle of the lake, a butterfly flew in our boat. I had recently read on one of these message boards that some felt a connection with their loved one when that happened. I started to make a comment  but my granddaughter was startled and screamed. I told them how amazed I was by seeing that butterfly. First because it was fall and also we were way out in the middle of the lake. My granddaughter said " im sorry,Mema, but it was flying right at you and I wanted to stop it".Actually, I had an amazing calm feeling but didn't mention anything to them.  I'll always remember that day.


Posted: Saturday, February 27, 2016 4:48 PM
Joined: 11/1/2014
Posts: 127

You are not crazy. You are heartbroken. When you are ready to scatter your beloved Gerda you will.

Sending hugs your way.


Posted: Saturday, February 27, 2016 5:28 PM
Joined: 12/23/2011
Posts: 114




Posted: Monday, February 29, 2016 12:15 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4120

YOu are not crazy.  I have  portion of mom's ashes for me as I knew she wanted her ashes buried with my deceased father's ashes.  I have the amount about the size of a tic-tac container that one could place in a pocket.

My father's ashes are buried in So CA but mom died in Northern CA with me at her side.

Her death was shattering so I did not make burial plans at that time.  I did have a Catholic funeral here for her. I didnt feel I could plan appropriately or drive 600+ miles safely, then November and December came and I was a mess (I have no family members any longer). Burying mom will be a lone final journey

When I first acquired the ashes (came in a bronze urn with velvet bag), they rested on a bookshelf- I looked at them all day every day  -  I have a smaller portion for myself.  The smaller portion does not seem like any consolation.

I  recently began to plan her burial for June, (the one year mark) in So CA.  I have contacted photographers, a church (to bless the grave site) - the process will be a 2-day event.  Have clothing lined up, potential hotel...and then poof....the realization of losing her to the earth stopped me in my tracks.

It all feels so raw still.

With you in spirit

My motto in life has always been like that of socwkr -- sometimes no decision is the best decision.


Posted: Monday, February 29, 2016 12:34 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4120

Ideas to ponder until.....

Eight months since my mother's death- 8-10 months is not very long in the grief process-

The nice thing for you is that you still have an opportunity, if you choose, to purchase a keepsake urn for a small portion of Gerda's ashes to keep with you- 

There are companion urns wherein two adult cremains are merged together into one urn or sit side by side in two individual urns; these could be taken to the ocean at the same time. companion urns for ashes

Sets: large urn with matching keepsake urn (I think a keepsake urn only holds a pinch)

Another urn I am looking at now doesn't match a larger urn but its heart that is very weighted...I like the idea of holding it and feeling the weight The small portion of ashes designated for me is about the size of a tic tac container that fits in a pocket aka more than a pinch

A pinch of ashes usually is designated for cremains jewelry  or mini urn (tiny tiny amount)

On this site i briefly saw an ocean seashell urns



King Boo
Posted: Monday, February 29, 2016 7:31 AM
Joined: 1/9/2012
Posts: 3440

There is no rush to do anything.  When you can do it, you can do it.   If the day comes when you realize you cannot do it, but still wish to fulfill your goal of scattering, there is nothing wrong with asking a friend or family member to do it.  My grandmother's ashes were scattered in a scattering garden by the funeral home because it was too much for us to deal with.
Posted: Tuesday, March 1, 2016 2:21 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4120

Talked to my therapist today about this conversation and difficulty-I only got a few sentances into the conversation when I began sobbing-- there was my answer.  I can't bury mom yet.

Here is what I have decided for now - 

1. New cube shaped urn for mom with engraving "mommy." (bronze or pewter)

2. Heart (can hold in your hand) urn for a small portion. This can also be engrave "mommy." See attachment. (my portion is 1/12) or more than a pinch (see tic tac comment in earlier post)

Have the mortuary assist you to ensure proper size for your needs.  They will also generally speaking transfer the cremains from one container to another for you.

Both urns will remain here with me on my side table unless and until...but I feel I do have an obligation to honor mom's wishes to be buried with my father.

Thinking of you

File Attachment(s):
urn heart.png (64648 bytes)

Posted: Tuesday, March 1, 2016 5:03 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105

You are the only person who decides what to do based on what you feel.  If you cannot do it, don't feel pressured to do anything.  It doesn't matter what other people think. 

I agree with the statement if you are undecided, unsure, not ready, don't do anything.  This is something you have to be ready for and comfortable with. 

You've already been through so much, don't feel pressure to do this, too.  Take your time, take care of yourself.

Mrs. Braxton
Posted: Wednesday, March 2, 2016 8:46 PM
Joined: 9/12/2012
Posts: 929

I feel  you just fine, you get to go through your grieving as you need too. 

  I have my husbands ashes, they will be placed in our grave when I pass away.

I don't think I could have buried him. I like having him here with me.

Maybe keep some of her ashes and then when your ready you can spread them.

  It's so hard.  I miss my sweetheart everyday.

May we all be blessed in our continuing journey.


Posted: Wednesday, March 2, 2016 10:46 PM
Joined: 2/20/2014
Posts: 294

My mother kept my dads ashes to be mingled with hers and scattered at sea.
The funeral director gave me the name of a service that scatters at sea. 

It was their last trip together. 

Lesley Jean
Posted: Thursday, March 3, 2016 8:11 AM
Joined: 2/13/2013
Posts: 2965

My sister has my parents ashes. We plan on bringing them home to their birth place, Scotland. We keep putting off our trip. Maybe this is silly, but it is difficult to make the plans. We want to spread 1/2 of each parents' ashes in Clyde Bank. Maybe this fall we can make it. 
Most places you need you need permission.  Check the local ordinances before spreading the ashes. You could face penalties, fine and jail time. 


Posted: Sunday, April 10, 2016 3:45 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4120

When my mother died I had arranged for a portion of her ashes to be set aside for me; I have an amount for my keeping about the size of a tea bag or 2 tablespoos- the remainder of the ashes will be buried with my father in a military cemetery 500+ miles from me when I have the emotional strength to do it.

Some keepsake urns elsewhere hold a pinch or two of cremains but since the amount I kept is more than this I have been looking at a different type of urn; a size about the size of two palms of the hand in heart shapes..I can hold in my hands the said hand held urn but then I came across this glass creation item 

The link I am providing is not something I am selling or recommeding because I am still contemplating and searching various products but you will get the idea.

To have these glass items made only requires approximately one `tbl of remains- what struck meabout this is that one can see the cremains of your loved one in the glass product- with this company for example the ashes appear as a gray/white ribbon within the sculpture- there is something about seeing the ashes that I like

 At present I can look at my portion of mom's ashes but its not so appealing because they are held by a plastic bag=

One company I came across (not this one) is coming out with a pendent size product that I prefer because it will be easier to handle (and not drop) although I would not wear it
thoughts anyone?


Posted: Sunday, April 10, 2016 7:00 PM
Joined: 1/23/2012
Posts: 781

Hi all,
Here's my opinion for what it's worth! Everyone needs to do what makes them feel best, W e buried my husband  rapped in a plain shroud, no embalming as that is what his religion called for, in the only natural cemetery in Florida.Myself, I want to be cremated and scattered over the ocean, my favorite place in all the world. Do not keep me stuffed into a little urn or any other confining thing, please just set me free, I am claustrophobic I'll leave a note to that effect .


Thank you Surfergirl
Posted: Monday, April 11, 2016 5:11 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4120

Surfer girl; 
Where did you acquirethe shroud?  Please!!!


Posted: Monday, April 11, 2016 7:08 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 19625

I recently saw a straw coffin., It was really attractive.
I love Dickson right by you in the tote...

Posted: Thursday, April 14, 2016 3:23 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4120

Love this:  I have his ashes in a tote bag next to the chair where I watch TV.  I'm thinking that I just might keep it that way.  


Posted: Thursday, April 14, 2016 3:27 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4120

I too saw some straw coffins and others made of a variety of materials found in nature.