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Feeling guilty
BeDo
Posted: Saturday, April 30, 2016 9:18 AM
Joined: 1/9/2015
Posts: 22


Looked at the calendar and realized it was four months to the day my husband left our home for the last time. I had to put him in nursing home where he only lived two and a half months. Feeling so guilty for sending him away. Everyone says not to but no one tells me how to 

not feel this way. Is it ok to feel like this for a while or do I need help?


Ukie
Posted: Saturday, April 30, 2016 11:16 AM
Joined: 12/16/2013
Posts: 352


Bedo,

I'm sure that most of us have some guilt. As caregivers we can't continually beat ourselves up over the "what ifs". We did our best. We tried our hardest. We did what we thought was best for our love one. I too wonder if I did the right thing. I had my wife placed in a behavioral center in order to try and adjust her medications. My wife was becoming very agitated and combative and was on Namenda, Aricept and 2 medications (klonopin 3x's a day & serequol at bedtime) for anxiety. Wasn't working. Kathy was becoming verbally abusive and threatening to hit people throwing medications at doctors and staff. DW was there for 10 days got pneumonia and admitted to the hospital. She was in the hospital for 10 days and passed away in the hospital on 11/21/15. I know that at that time I did what I thought was best. I miss my Kathy very much but I do know that Kathy is so much better of now. Kathy is no longer suffering.

"Grief never ends...but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith...It is the price of love."

 

I hope that this helps you at least a little bit. Best of luck.


KML
Posted: Monday, May 2, 2016 5:43 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


BeDo:

The feeling guilty is part of the grieving process.  I think most of us go through this stage questioning our decisions, beating ourselves up.  My father will be gone four years this month, and I'm still somewhat doing this, too, feeling guilty.  Wishing I would have done things better or differently.

The decisions we make at the time, is the best that we can do at that time.  We can never predict when and what will happen.  At the time you made your decision, it is what was needed, you needed extra care for your husband, you didn't know his life would end a couple of months later, you had no way of knowing.  At that time, you and he needed the extra care.  So you made the best decision you could at the time.

I read a book after my father passed away, called on Grief and Grieving by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.  It helped me to feel normal, there were other people who were questioning themselves, too, and I learned that this part is another component in the grief process.  I would recommend it to everyone to read this book.  Take care.

I think it is always a good idea to speak with a grief counselor.  It's a tough process, and I think with a spouse, in many ways, it's such a different process.  It's a heavy load to carry alone, so I think it's very good to talk with someone to maneuver through the feelings.

 


jfkoc
Posted: Tuesday, May 3, 2016 10:27 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 19546


Looking back there are things that I regret but I know I did my best with what I knew at the time so I am not letting guilt in the door...

 


eaglemom
Posted: Wednesday, May 4, 2016 8:36 AM
Joined: 3/7/2012
Posts: 2657


Grief can be overwhelming, as can guilt. Each person that goes through it processes it in different ways. If you feel you need some help, please seek it out. My thought is if your asking about it, you maybe leading that way. There is nothing right / wrong about asking for help - its the healthy things to do.

eagle