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Please offer explanations for very ODD MIA sibling reactions
His Daughter
Posted: Sunday, August 14, 2016 10:58 PM
Joined: 6/25/2014
Posts: 2270

Hello everyone,

   This is really an odd topic, but I am just one of the people I have seen effected by this.  

As many people know, I take some credit for coining the term "MIA siblings".  It 's pretty simple, the entire time Dad was sick my siblings were totally "missing in action".  Ok, it took two years of anger, and a dozen tricks to get over it.  But I did.  So now Dad is gone and my RN MIA sister is posting on Face Book several sweet sentimental reminders about finding time for your parents.  One was a empty rocking chair with a sweet poem, about missing the person in the empty chair.  The next was this Timeless Reminder:   "Be sure to spend time with your parents while you can,  because one day when you look up from your busy life, they won't be there any more."  (Really too bad my MIA sister, couldn't look up from her busy life of RETIREMENT, for 3 1/2 years, and find time to spend with her father.)

Veterans Kid has also had the same experience with her MIA brother, who has also posted on Face Book.  And this one was a doozie:     A son took his old father to a restaurant for an evening dinner.

Father being very old and weak, while eating, dropped food on his shirt and trousers.
Others diners watched him in disgust while his son was calm.
After he finished eating, his son who was not at all embarrassed, quietly took him to the wash room, wiped the food particles, removed the stains, combed his hair and fitted his spectacles firmly. When they came out, the entire restaurant was watching them in dead silence, not able to grasp how someone could embarrass themselves publicly like that.
The son settled the bill and started walking out with his father.
At that time, an old man amongst the diners
called out to the son and asked him, “Don’t you think you have left something behind?”
The son replied, “No sir, I haven’t.”
The old man retorted, “Yes, you have! You left a lesson for every son and hope for every father.”
The restaurant went silent.

What a touching life lesson about caring for our loved ones! Share this if you agree.

This MIA Son, didn't take Dad out for dinner, and or visit his own father in nearly two years. He lived just 40 minutes away.

So here's my question:   WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS?   I REALLY DO WANT TO UNDERSTAND!   This just seems so contrary to anything rational.  I simply can't wrap my mind around it.  It's almost darn right insulting to those of us who have taken care of our parents and been the primary caregiver.  

Seriously, I'm really not interested in the suggestion that this comes from guilt.  Wouldn't it make a person feel even more guilty, to write something like this, when they darn well know they personally did just the opposite?   These MIAs are hardly the people who should be giving advice to anyone.  It almost seems that they somehow want to take credit, for what they didn't do.  

So please, if anyone can offer an explanation for this..........I'm listening.

Still Waters
Posted: Tuesday, August 23, 2016 10:07 AM
Joined: 2/6/2012
Posts: 1092

Hello His Daughter. I would like to ask you a question about not hydrating and the way your father passed away. My mother is also refusing liquids and I need some advice. I sent you a request. I would like to PM you.

Because she's my mom!
Posted: Tuesday, August 23, 2016 10:46 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 737

Hi, His Daughter:

I think your MIA has a complete disconnect from reality, or at least an incredible distortion. Or perhaps all these MIA's hope their children see those posts because they don't want their children to treat them as they treated their mother/father. What else could explain it? 

My mostly MIA brother still thinks he really helped with mom. Uh, no. NADA. He even whined that "he had a real job" when I once asked if he could pick mom up for her AL and take her to the doctor if necessary  because I was going out of town for a few days, and wanted to make sure I had backup.  BTW, his company allowed time off for family leave, so there wouldn't have been really any issues with his "real job"!

I've stopped trying to figure him out.  Even though we had the same parents, we are very, very different. He is who he is, I am who I am. When I look back on our lives, I realize he has always been the taker, and I have always been the giver.

It's also interesting that even though my brother was the favored "golden child", in the end mom chose me to be her DPOA for financial and medical decisions, as well as executor of her estate.

So what I would say is just let your MIAs continue to live in their fantasy worlds, because you know that you were an exceptionally loving and caring daughter for your dad.

Posted: Wednesday, August 24, 2016 9:16 AM
Joined: 4/1/2016
Posts: 66

My MIA brothers have done similar things.  I still want scream when I think one of them at the wake sobbing and telling people how he called my father every day and what a hole it would be in his life. Of course, he  NEVER, NEVER called.

I think that maybe these people want others to feel badly for them and also want everyone else to think that they were great children.  In my case, my brothers are the 2 most self centered, self absorbed people I've ever met.  Therefore, it just stands to reason that they would even try to use the death of our father to their...for lack of a better word....benefit.  I sincerely doubt they feel any guilt.  To feel guilt you need to think of someone other than yourself, and I don't think they have ever done that in their lives.

Just my 2 cents.


Posted: Thursday, August 25, 2016 9:51 AM
Joined: 7/29/2014
Posts: 217

Hi all from the land of being a "post caregiver", I honestly think we will never understand what goes on in siblings minds.

This is what I know.  My brain is wired differently than my MIA siblings, it was always about my MOM, and never about me.  They chose to make it about THEM.

I bet to this day if you asked my sister "did you do all you could for your Mom?" She would say, "I did everything I could, called everyday, visited frequently (maybe in her own mind)", Did you provide encouragement for your sister, just by a phone call?

The simple fact is, they blamed me for their non-help. I was keeping their Mother away from them, I refused to let them visit, I threw away all cards, letters, flower that were given to her...The list goes on. (which was in the 7 page law suit that was filed, then dismissed)

I really am to the point that I just don't care.  They will never understand what we as caregivers  went through these years of our Parents, or LO's journey through this disease. They will never know the sadness I felt holding my mom's hand alone when my Mom passed. She should have been surrounded by her children, period.

Something I will never forget.  The last spoken words I ever heard from my sister were when I called to tell her Mom had passed.  She said "OH, can I have the house now". (meaning the house in Idaho that she inherited).  I hung up the phone.

For me the journey is over, I did the very best I could to provide a safe, clean and loving environment, so my Mom could pass on her terms, in her own home, in her own bed. The Trust is done, no more Lawyers.  This is MY time now to grieve and find my own purpose again, tough as it is, I have good days and bad days. BUT I know that my Mom is with my Dad once again. I picture them around an early morning campfire, the smell of coffee and good conversation, watching the sunrise over the mountains.

Hugs to All of you that have been through this journey!  Ann

Lesley Jean
Posted: Sunday, August 28, 2016 7:20 PM
Joined: 2/13/2013
Posts: 2965

When I called my oldest sister to tell her our mom passed, she cried and cried. Oh how she loved her. Yet, in 15 years, she only saw our mother, maybe 2x for a total of 14 days. For her 100th birthday, she sent a lousy bunch of flowers. No call. Nothing. 

My other sister and I took care of everything-cleaning out our mother's apartment, all her affairs and anything else that needed to be done. I did this while taking care of a husband who was in stage 5. He would wander and we would loose him. Thank goodness everyone in the apt building would look out for him and help us find him. (It was a very large building). The MIA sister never called, never asked for if she could help or anything.

Yet, the MIA sister, demanded she get 33.3% of the $. What a surprise when I had the pleasure of telling her that she wasn't getting 33.3%. The will was changed. My sister who took care of our mother got 50%, I who would call her 3-4 times a day, took her on vacation, celebrated birthdays with her (planned long distance a big birthday party for her 100th birthday and was planning a get together with everyone in May to celebrate her birthday with the grand and great grand kids) was getting 40% and she was getting 10%. Boy, oh boy, did the anger fly. 

I never heard from her when Jerry passed. My other sister texted her. No reply. No flowers (when her son-in-law passed) my sister, my mother and I sent a beautiful arrangement of flowers and cards. Nothing! Yet, she posted on Facebook, along with her daughter, that you should do things for parents and loved ones. 

I believe people like her live in a dream world. They feel that they can do no harm. It is up to others to do the "dirty" work of caring for their loved ones. They, however, should reap the benefits of having people feel so sorry for them. This is their way of getting attention that they feel they deserve.