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The MIA Siblings are the Smart Ones
Still Waters
Posted: Monday, September 19, 2016 11:47 AM
Joined: 2/6/2012
Posts: 1092

None of them suffered. Gave up their life or their health. While our loved one's were alive or dead. Life went on for them as it always had. Maybe they had the right idea. I thought I would feel so rewarded in the end for all I had done. Nope. Nothing but sadness. And they go on with their happy lives.

Posted: Monday, September 19, 2016 9:04 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4120

You are so right StillWaters- that is the case with me- My sister disowned mom and me 8 years ago- not a word/card/call nothing from her/husband/two adult grandsons.  If disowning us hurt my sis (MIA) she could have corrected that by reestablishing a connection with us but that did not happen so I presume disowning us didn't phase her- Mom certainly didn't do anything to deserve this nor did I but they thought I deserved it based on an accusation they wrongly made about me (stealing moms money).

Naturally when my mother died I grieved entirely alone...their response to our mother's death  (via email because they had changed their home and cell phone numbers "thanks for letting us know." They didn't even sign a name to the message. They didn't inquire about a future funeral or burial.  After the kind of response I received I didn't even bother to tell them when the funeral was...I have grieved horribly for the pain this must have caused my mother when she was alive and it was like adding salt to a wound when they behaved like they did not care and that they simply did not care. Gosh, if nothing else I would have thought they would inquire about funeral plans even if they couldn't attend, sent a bouquet/flowers, prayer, sympathies of some kind.  Nothing.  These are cruel people (narcissists). I did discuss in the email announcing our mother's death that I would plan a funeral and that the burial of ashes would be added to my fathers gravesite at a later time.

At my mother's funeral it was me and the Priest and mom's ashes. I was still pretty numb (a week following the death) but I sobbed over the empty church as well as my loss.  The Priest was perfect and he knew the painful lonely story.

They also didn't inquire about the burial (ashes)- funeral and burial were mentioned in the email although I didn't have dates for those at the time of reporting mom's death. 

About six months after the death I began to look at burial plans but could not go through with it.  Then, In april, seven months post death I had a house fire and had to go and live elsewhere.  

Insurance of course is taking care of all the house rebuild/repairs and I've begun to think again about how the burial will look like.  I dread this for so many reasons naturally.  One of course is the disrespect  for my sweet mother that they have demonstrated and that I will be reminded of as I lay mother in eternal rest with my dear father.

My father is (in ashes form) flickering around in his grave I'm sure with disgust for them.
On top of all of this I have my grief about my loss, emptiness, sadness, despair, longing....
May we all find peace one day.


Posted: Tuesday, September 20, 2016 8:08 AM
Joined: 5/21/2016
Posts: 2007

Respectfully, I disagree. You are the smart one.
His Daughter
Posted: Tuesday, September 20, 2016 8:13 AM
Joined: 6/25/2014
Posts: 2270

Still Waters,
   As you can see you are not alone in this.  I also had siblings (brother and sister) who completely abandoned my dad and I, at the end of his life.  It hurts, doesn't it?  It isn't so much hurt for ourselves, but the hurt we feel FOR our parent.  The fact that someone loved and cared for these people when they were small and helpless.  Without their parents, they wouldn't have even existed.  Yet there seems to be no appreciation for all that they were given.      

    I have a hard time believing they were the "smart" ones.   They missed out on a special relationship in life.  A fulfilling, meaningful love, that only can be shared by a parent and child.  How sad really?   

   But as jaded as this sounds, I can guarantee you that if they think there is money in the estate, they'll be back soon standing proud and tall with their hands out.  I'm living it.  

   Thank God there were some of us, who appreciate the life we were given, and respected our parents for all they did.  Their life had meaning.  And we are the testament to that.  

Try to let it go my friend.  You can't change how your thoughtless siblings feel.  It will only eat you up inside.  What I have done is used the correct term for my MIAs.  They were nothing more than "acquaintances with benefits" in my father's life.  (The benefits are that they get 1/3 of his total estate.)    And yes, they will continue to go on with their happy little life.  My only thought is that karma will somehow work it's magic!  


King Boo
Posted: Tuesday, September 20, 2016 10:27 AM
Joined: 1/9/2012
Posts: 3419

In the end, nothing  is about them, missing or not.  It never was about them.  It was about me and my parent, it is and will always continue to be; when they have died, it is between me and myself, no matter how much I was maligned along the way.  We can be our own judge, jury and executioner or we can know that we did what good we were able to for our parent, though our actions we know will be forgotten.  Could you have been able to do this, to be yourself if you had walked away?
Still Waters
Posted: Tuesday, September 20, 2016 11:10 AM
Joined: 2/6/2012
Posts: 1092

True I could not have been myself if I walked away.

Posted: Tuesday, September 20, 2016 12:37 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4120

You are all so wise and insightful....and such a blessing to me. Because of who we are we did what we did... I read that where their was deep love there will be deep grief.  


Posted: Wednesday, September 21, 2016 12:43 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105

Doing the right things are not the easiest things.  I had a semi MIA sibling, who had a knack of appearing at the right time to give impressions to others that sibling was caring. 

My health suffered along with other things in my life, my husband and daughter sacrificed.  I was scarce in their lives for a very long while.

My parents always told me to be like my sibling when I was growing up, why couldn't I be more like sibling.  This is what I heard all of my younger years.

I can tell you, I am glad I wasn't like my sibling.  I was there with my parents walking along hand-in-hand when they needed me.

We all have to face ourselves eventually.  I'm glad I was true to myself and did what I had to do for my parents.  I don't have a facade, what I did was real. I did it out of compassion and care and for that I can say I'm very glad that I'm me.