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When we write OUR wills keep this disease in mind
His Daughter
Posted: Friday, February 17, 2017 1:57 PM
Joined: 6/25/2014
Posts: 2270


On January 7th, 2017, I finally finished handling my dad's estate.  It was a very long year of daily work.  Accounts, house, estate sale, selling cars/home, cleaning, more specifics than I can even mention.  Only those of us who have had to do all this, truly understand the amount of work involved.  Dad's attorney had told me to keep track of the hours I spent.  I did.  And it wound up being 1207.5 hours  That number shouldn't be a surprise to anyone, if you have done it.  

One thing I want people to think about, is that in their wills, they need to specify and provide something for the person they name as their POA, MPOA and Personal Representative.  Without being specific, those roles go unnoticed, and only the PR will possibly get a small stipend as some compensation for their time.   We also need to consider providing something additional for a primary caregiver, should we need that level of help someday.   A standard "share and share alike" will between heirs, for a final estate, is not fair to those who have to do all the work.   While I know my parents put that standard "share and share alike" thing in place to possibly protect the future relationship between siblings, this wound up to be a complete failure!   I have walked away from this experience feeling taken advantage of, used, forgotten, and I personally lost financially for all I did with/for my dad.  That "share and share alike" philosophy was never present with my siblings, for all the years my dad was sick.  It only meant something, when my siblings felt they were entitled to money and items of personal property.  And then, they couldn't scream those words loud enough.  They collected, while allowing me to do all the work, and even give up my personal income for years to care for Dad.  

After truly understanding what this disease actually does, it is important that we provide for those who will step up to the plate in OUR WILLS.  Lets not be unfair, with share and share alike wills, to those who are willing to help us, if/when we need it.       


Mimi S.
Posted: Friday, February 17, 2017 3:21 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 7027


Yes, something to think about.  A lot depends on how much is left to distribute after all the bills are paid and the financial situation of the caregiver.  Perhaps something like a certain percentage of available funds after expenses are paid.

Some caregivers have given up a job to take care of LO. This sometimes amounts to a considerable loss of income for retirement purposes. 


rfrdaughter
Posted: Monday, February 27, 2017 4:49 PM
Joined: 4/1/2016
Posts: 66


I 100% agree!

My situation is much like yours.  I carried the entire care giving burden.  I quit my job. I am still dealing with the estate almost 10 months later. My siblings are just sitting waiting (impatiently) with their hands out.

My husband and I are in the process right now of updating our wills.  We only have 2 children and had everything 50/50.  No one knows what the future holds.  I have no idea who would or wouldn't "step up to the plate" if necessary.  But there will be provisions in place in some form because "fair" doesn't necessarily mean 50/50.


rfrdaughter
Posted: Monday, February 27, 2017 5:31 PM
Joined: 4/1/2016
Posts: 66


His Daughter,

Have you put any thought into how to "quantify" the care-giving piece?  We are having trouble coming up with a way to define it in such a way that there isn't any subjective piece as to who "did more."  The PR piece is easy.  There will be one, defined person that will have to deal with all the estate stuff.  If someone has to quit their job to be a care-giver, then that would be quantifiable.  But how do you lay out the compensation if there is one person that ends up being the care-giver either by choice or even default due to logistics?

My husband doesn't think we can do it.  I really want to.  Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.......


His Daughter
Posted: Tuesday, February 28, 2017 1:43 PM
Joined: 6/25/2014
Posts: 2270


RFDaughter,

    I will just be listing "primary caregiver" and a dollar amount for that position per year.  What we need to keep in mind is that IF we specify something in our wills, the person fulfilling that role does have the right to decline, or reduce, the amount we provided.  (In my case, I will guess that the child who has been named as my MPOA will also be the child taking over the primary caregiving duties. And each of those roles will be honored and financially rewarded.)  

   As another example, i will be leaving my PR $40,000 for doing all the work.  If I have selected wisely, and my PR feels that is too much, they have the right to decline taking the allowed amount.  They could choose instead to take $10,000, if they felt they didn't do that much work and the amount I left was too much.  

   But what is important is that IF WE DON'T SPECIFY ANYTHING, these roles will go unnoticed and very much under appreciated.  Trust me, I've seen too many situations, where siblings who DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and PROVIDE NOTHING, are standing with their narcissistic greed, first in line to collect.  If we don't protect and appreciate the people who have stepped forward, guaranteed they will be shortchanged.  

  Hope you and your husband get this worked out.  Because chances are about 99% you will need help at the end of life.  Most of us won't get to die from a quick heart attack. 

His Daughter

PS Please read my new post on this topic.  Ok, call it a rant, but boy does this get under my skin.