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Grieving just won't go away
Posted: Saturday, August 19, 2017 2:58 PM
Joined: 8/4/2013
Posts: 5

My dear wife Jen passed in April from Alz and I still can't talk about her without balling my eyes out.  I want to reminisce with others about our happy experiences, but I start crying.  We were married just shy of 47 years.  Jen was diagnosed with EO Alz at age of 58 and passed at the age of 67.  I took care of Jen at home until the end.  I did get in home hospice help the last 9 days.  I'm going to a bereavement support group that starts in Sept, but any advice now would be appreciated.
Posted: Saturday, August 19, 2017 6:56 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 20125

Your wife's death is very recent. I remember going from pain to numbness and back for a long time. 

Grief is something you are going to have to allow yourself to do and you will do so in your own way and in your own time. 

It is rough. I am 18 months into widowhood and can tell you I do not like it. I can go out. I can laugh. I can participate but the hole is large and I do not think it intends to go away.

Be kind to yourself and enjoy the moments you can as you go forth. They will increase as the rawness's a slow process.

Veterans kid
Posted: Saturday, August 19, 2017 7:40 PM
Joined: 10/17/2014
Posts: 1239

Agree with Jfkoc-it's very soon.

There isn't  A right or wrong way to grieve. Yes, it is still very soon for you, and that was your wife. Your partner. Just be easy on yourself, there are going to be days when the grief is so overwhelming and feels like waves crashing on you. They will subside. And you know this  because there are members on this forum who have been through the loss of their loved one. That doesn't make it easier in the moment, so just be good to yourself, let yourself heal the way your body and mind  Will allow. There's nothing wrong with crying, but I do understand that overwhelming feeling of hopelessness like it will never stop. 

  When I lost my mom, one of the hospice nurses told me that it is a wound that will never heal. In your heart. Eventually it will scab over, but the scar and scab will break open. Just not as often as it does now. 

 I am sending you virtual hugs, and prayers, and I do hope when you go to the breve meant support group, try it more than once. It is not for everybody, but I went after my mom passed and then also after my dad. One of the things I learned was that sometimes  people will go, and not feel like talking or that they are embarrassed and they don't come back. I would at least give it three or four times and then you will know if it is something that might help you. 

 I'm glad you posted, and there are many here who are holding you close and thinking of you. Keep us updated OK?    

Posted: Tuesday, August 22, 2017 1:02 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105

There's no timeframe for grief.  It ebbs and flows in its own time.  I lost my parents to this disease, not a spouse.  I believe it is very different losing a spouse, very hard.  I saw what my father went through when my mother passed away.

When I lost my parents, each time, I thought of grief as my friend.  It was the only thing that understood what I was feeling, it did not make demands of me, it did not ask anything of me, it let me be sad, it let me cry, it let me just be.

I believe we have to go through this to get to the other side.  The other side is where things may be a bit softer, when we can think of the better things, the better memories of our lost one.

Grief never goes away completely, but in time, lots of time, it's easier to make room for it in your heart where it resides with our joy, our happiness, our sadness.  All these things co-exist with one another eventually. 

No timeframe to it, it's a personal journey that one can rush through.  I wish you the best.

Posted: Sunday, September 17, 2017 1:21 PM
Joined: 7/8/2017
Posts: 143

Dear Grunt

After my brother was killed it sometimes took me 8 hours to simply get dressed.  The sight of a vehicle like the one I associated with him provoked tears for six months…  It took a long while for me to return to the world back then…

Ironically, the best advice is: treat yourself like a PWD – support, simplify and, when possible, distract!  Time to be gentle – with yourself.

Victorians had elaborate rituals that suit me very well.  When we buried MIL last year, I wore a veil.  Other people thought it was strange and awkward but for me it was not as awkward and strange as letting them see my ravaged face and my inability to mask my thoughts.

When my dear childhood friend passed, I began a journal “Letters to ____” because I needed to work through things in a way that brought me that ‘voice’ and perspective.  Yes, I borrowed the idea from a  M*A*S*H  episode where the shrink was writing to Freud…

 Crying is necessary!  Tears have different chemical composition depending on the cause  -- THAT TELLS YOU: tears help!  Tears not so great for the social life -- that is why Victorians encouraged people to stay 'at home' for months on end -- but thank God you have family and friends you can trust with your tears.

Finally, movement of any kind helps and, so does just sitting still!  If you can tolerate it, I would recommend therapeutic massage.

God bless you, dear Grunt, the love you carry can lead you to peace.  Follow the love... let go of the baggage that no longer matters and follow the love....


Posted: Friday, September 22, 2017 10:53 AM
Joined: 6/12/2015
Posts: 1131

Angel_Wolf, I agree with you. The only way I know of to deal with grief is to allow myself to feel it and cry when I need to for as long as it takes. I can't run or hide from my feelings. I only know how to just let them be and cry over my loss. It may take a long time before it won't be so difficult for me and I will feel stronger. It's not going to be easy. It's just hard.
Posted: Sunday, September 24, 2017 11:34 PM
Joined: 9/4/2014
Posts: 418

IIt's been two years,four months since my wife Gerda passed, I miss her so much and I cry still some days, some days I ask myself if I will ever feel the same as before, I don't think so, but I have good days and bad days, getting out really helps, most of the time I don't want to but when I do its ok, stay strong and good luck, do it at your own pace,  Joel
Posted: Friday, December 14, 2018 3:32 PM
Joined: 10/30/2018
Posts: 6

it has been almost 7 months since my mom died
Posted: Monday, December 17, 2018 8:33 AM
Joined: 5/14/2018
Posts: 259

Lostmom2soon, it's been a little over six months since my mom died and it's extremely difficult for me too. Just letting you know you're not alone.  I feel your grief and pain.  God bless us and keep us close this Christmas season.  Thinking of you....

xoxoxoxo - Kat

Posted: Monday, December 17, 2018 4:53 PM
Joined: 11/13/2014
Posts: 2368

My mom has been gone for 3 months and the day doesn't go by that I don't find myself thinking about her for most of it. I try to keep my mind occupied with something else but she creeps in and I cry. I see women my mom's age still with it and going about their day, and it makes me sad. I miss her.

Sending hugs..

Posted: Saturday, January 5, 2019 12:10 PM
Joined: 5/21/2016
Posts: 2010

Posted: Thursday, January 24, 2019 12:02 AM
Joined: 8/4/2013
Posts: 5

How did you know your day of posting reply, Jan 5, was Jen's birthday??  Freaky.
Posted: Thursday, January 24, 2019 6:03 AM
Joined: 5/21/2016
Posts: 2010

I didn’t know. It was 1/365 chance. I am grieving everyday— just getting better at covering it up. Now that I know there are others like me who grieve everyday yet try to somehow live, I have become kinder to others, perhaps a tiny bit more understanding of the heavy load they may be carrying. Hugs to you and to all of us. Please God have mercy on me and on all of us!!!
Posted: Thursday, January 24, 2019 12:49 PM
Joined: 11/9/2017
Posts: 305

And man, I have got to stop reading the "caregivers'" forum. 

Posted: Tuesday, January 29, 2019 12:20 AM
Joined: 2/3/2018
Posts: 100

They'll be sorry when they get here.  Sigh.
Posted: Saturday, February 9, 2019 10:46 AM
Joined: 10/7/2017
Posts: 32

Whoa. . . both sides of the fence are emotionally devastating, living with the dementia and now living without it. 

This post is about Grunt & the loss of his beloved Jen. 

It's about jfkoc, Veterans kid, KML, Angel_Wolf, kellly, jwn, lostmom2soon, Skittles412, MissHer and MPSunshine  sharing how they can so empathize with his grieve.  It's about sharing their ways of working thru living on "this side" of the fence.

Just remember the caregivers too are grieving.  They are just grieving in very different ways, the loss of freedom, loss of the one they once knew, loss of sleep, the sacrifice of home and income, etc. It may seem ugly to you now that your loss is a physical loss but they too have lost someone they love and a life as they once knew it.  They too are looking for support and understanding in their own form of grief.

Grunt, I am so sorry for the sadness and the emptiness you have been left with.  I hope things have gotten a little better with time.  

Although I lost my mom and not a loving spouse, I too cry every day at little things and like you when I reminisce . . . I can so understand that void and pain.  It's now been 6 1/2 mos. for me and my home is empty without her.

. . . {hugs}