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Mommy's Gone
Posted: Saturday, September 16, 2017 10:47 PM
Joined: 11/20/2015
Posts: 47

On Thursday, September 14, 2017 my mom transitioned.  This is so painful.  I can't sleep, even if I take a sleeping pill, I'm not sleeping.  My stomach hurts, tension in my body is so tense that my neck hurts.  My jaw is clenched a lot.  When I allow myself to feel it, the weight of grief is overwhelming.  I don't want to talk to anyone, answer my phone, do anything.  But I must.  I have to make funeral arrangements, talk to people, receive condolences, be the point for family and friends; but all I want to do is crawl into bed and keep the covers over my head.  

Early in the week I realized that my mom would leave me soon.  But she'd pulled through before when it looked like the end was near so I thought/hoped that she would do so again.  Getting the call that she'd passed early in the morning was devastating.  The end was not pretty so I was happy for her when she transitioned, but realizing that I can no longer visit her, talk about my day or hear whatever she wanted to tell me, leaves a huge hole in my heart.

Last week, in hopes of alleviating some of my stress, I'd bought a yorkipoo puppy.  She's been a Godsend.  So little that I need to spend a good amount of time potty training or addressing her other needs, I don't have a lot of free time to be sad.  I want to pretend that she's not really gone so I spend time with Jazz (the puppy).  I don't mind the cleaning up after her, training her, etc.  But even with all the work, and no matter how hard I try not to, I still remember that my mommy is gone.

Posted: Sunday, September 17, 2017 11:17 PM
Joined: 5/2/2014
Posts: 761


I am so sorry for the loss of your mom, my heart breaks for you. The grief can be so unbearable at times but you will get through this. It is not an easy task at all. Just like when you were going through this disease with your mom, you need to take it one day at a time and remember to breath. Know that she is no longer suffering, in a better place and that she will be forever in your heart. Try to focus on all the good memories as often as possible. Take your time to grieve and now is the time to take care of you. If that means staying in bed with the covers over your head, then so be it. I have been there more times than I care to be. The hole in our heart never goes away. I pray you can find some peace during this difficult time. Sending soft hugs your way,

Posted: Wednesday, September 27, 2017 2:33 PM
Joined: 11/20/2015
Posts: 47

Thank you Tink4495.  Tomorrow is 2 weeks.  I don't even know how to feel and I find that I'm running around doing things trying to keep busy.  I've decided to return to work tomorrow.  Interesting thing is that I got a puppy almost 2 weeks before my mom passed.  She is adorable and never barks but suddenly, for no reason she periodically starts barking.  I like to think that my mom stops by to visit periodically and Jazz barks when she sees mom.
Posted: Wednesday, September 27, 2017 5:23 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 19625

She very well might be. I have a light bulb that keeps getting loosened.
Posted: Thursday, September 28, 2017 12:43 PM
Joined: 9/18/2013
Posts: 243

I am very sorry about the loss of your mom. I know tough it is to lose a mom as I lost mine not too long ago.  After I lost my dad, I did exactly what you did and got myself a puppy to take my mind off some of my grief. It helped a lot as I spent a lot of time trying to keep him from chewing up everything in sight. Plus, it was nice to hold when I cried. I hope it helps you too.