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Does the Pain Get Easier in Time?
Needing Support
Posted: Friday, October 13, 2017 8:49 PM
Joined: 2/17/2014
Posts: 122


 

I am going through the first year without my DH Jim. I miss Jim terribly!!!

I hope and pray that things will get easier as time goes by, but I don't know since I have not been through the first year since Jim passed away on January 1, 2017.

I have talked and heard from Widows who have lost their spouse and some people say that the first year is the worst without your husband, where others say it is about the same or worse after the first year after your husband's passing since everyone goes through their own Grieving process differently.

Would like to connect with other Widows to find out if their Grieving process changes, stays the same, or gets worse, after the first year after their husband passed away.

Thank you for your understanding and support!

Hugs!

Needing Support

 


jfkoc
Posted: Saturday, October 14, 2017 10:47 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 19636


I have just passed the two year mark. Nothing was worse than the months right after my husband died. The first year was very difficult but not 24/7/pain. The second had days that were hollow, sad and hard. I now have a dull, lonely acceptance of my future but I also have an interest in some activities. I enjoy some social things and I do find life funny again.


Needing Support
Posted: Saturday, October 14, 2017 7:51 PM
Joined: 2/17/2014
Posts: 122


jfkoc,

Thank you for your response.  I am glad that since you have just passed the 2 year mark of loosing your husband, things have gotten easier for you to handle!  I am glad that you are interested in some activities and do enjoy some social activities as well and that you find life enjoyable again!

It is good to know that in time, things will get easier for me..from a sharp pain to a dull ache as far as the pain of missing Jim!

I am doing the best that I can, but some days and times are harder than others.  Up and down roller coaster, so to speak. When I am having a bad day medically,  the pain of loosing Jim is off the chart!

Thank you for your understanding and support!

Hugs!   Needing Support

 


Cheznut
Posted: Tuesday, October 17, 2017 5:08 PM
Joined: 12/3/2013
Posts: 306


In Jan. It will be 3 years.  I dont think "easier" is a word anyone can use, depends on the relationship you had, ours was a second marriage for each, we really bonded, companion, same likes, 18 yrs was good, then downhill thru the valley of death.

I give thanks for the blessings, I had with him, of course, sobs will still come up, maybe a memory triggers it, or a cloud, or a song.

I have two children, live close to one, seem to help them out a lot, have church, walk an hour, do a lot of jigsaw puzzles, love my PBS british mysteries that I watch.

One of his sons scattered his ashs over the mountains , and I have a memorial plaque up at the church there, for some reason it gives me comfort, and raises my spirit to go up there.

Of course, age has something to do with what I feel lke doing, 78 here...


Sea Field
Posted: Wednesday, October 18, 2017 6:49 PM
Joined: 8/5/2012
Posts: 1872


Needing Support,    For me that first year was pretty rough.  I allowed myself to mourn deeply.  And I did.

The second year was a little better but it still surprised me at how difficult it was.  The deep ache started to lift a bit though.  The tears were not every day and I did get involved in things that gave me joy.  The tears and joy were often interspersed.  I felt some life returning to my being.

I'm now halfway through my third year.  For me, this year is considerably better.  I even look ahead and make plans for my life.  I miss DH but I am no longer ovewhelmed by it.  

We each navigate our way through this as best we can.  Hoping you find some peace and joy today.

Roxy,  how fun to hear from you again.  It's been a long time.

Judith, always good to hear from you.  I lurk more than post these days.  You do a fantastic job of continuing to support those on these message boards.  


Blessings, Cynthia 


Lorita
Posted: Friday, October 20, 2017 2:07 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 12884


 Hi,

I'm so glad I looked at this thread today.  Roxy and Cynthia, so good to see a post from each of you.  Roxy, I think we lost our husbands only a day or two apart.  

It'll be three years for me Jan. 15.  It seems like yesterday and it seems like it's been forever. Odd.  I'm still doing the same things as before but by myself.  I really think the second year was harder than the first.  The first year you have so much to get done and I think we're still in shock and some denial.  The second year you're not as busy and are kind of back to doing the routine things- if you can call it routine.

The third year-- is maybe a little more acceptance although not completely.  Don't know if there will ever be complete acceptance.  I feel Charles' presence. There are days that are hard and the tears come and go.  Other days it's better.

I've had more health problems the second and third years than in the past twenty. I think as caregivers we think of our loved ones and live with what problems we might have- more important things to get done.  Then, they're gone and we kind of give in to our problems.  We're by ourselves and sometimes it's scary- not afraid of people but of what might happen to us if we get sick or hurt.  I have animals to care for so can't afford to be sick or hurt. Therefore, I tend to stay home and out of crowds as much as possible.  I have no desire to go anywhere that isn't necessary.  Only go into town when I need feed or supplies.  I order all I can online.  Maybe this feeling will change.  If not, it's okay.

I don't have relatives nearby except for cousins.  One of my best friends was in a terrible car wreck Christmas Day, the same day Charles was hospitalized.  She's now in KC. My other good friend is very involved in her family but I have my friends on our forum.

Life goes on however we feel.  I'm happy for those who are able to move on.  Maybe sometime in the future for me.  


Needing Support
Posted: Friday, October 20, 2017 7:51 PM
Joined: 2/17/2014
Posts: 122


Chestnut,

Thank you for sharing!  You are moving forward!

Sounds like you are doing the best that you can do coping with the loss of  your husband with your children and the activities that you enjoy in your life.

Hugs!

Needing Support

 


Needing Support
Posted: Friday, October 20, 2017 8:54 PM
Joined: 2/17/2014
Posts: 122


Sea Field,

I am glad that things have gotten considerably better for you after the loss of your husband after 3 years!

I am happy that you have made plans for your life, and that you are moving forward!

I have heard from a lot of widows that the first year after losing your husband is the worst, and each year thereafter gets better!

Hugs!

Needing Support


kellly
Posted: Thursday, October 26, 2017 1:29 PM
Joined: 6/12/2015
Posts: 1131


Does the pain get easier in time?
After her husband, David Bowie, died, Iman had this to say:

"Life doesn't get easier or more forgiving, we get stronger and more resilient"

Pain is never easy; it's always painful. But somehow, gradually it seems to change over time. There is no timeline for it to loosen its grip, but somehow you still continue. At first it feels like just going through the motions, but gradually things shift a little bit and every single day isn't quite so difficult. I don't know how it happens, just that it gradually does. You will never forget him and sometimes it will bring you pain and sometimes it will bring you joy. Sometimes you will laugh through your tears but you will continue on.

{{{hugs}}}


Needing Support
Posted: Thursday, October 26, 2017 6:35 PM
Joined: 2/17/2014
Posts: 122


Hi Kelly!

Just going through the first year of the firsts without Jim has been very difficult...anniversary, birthdays, holidays,, etc!

I have lost both parents, my sister and brother, and then Jim on January 1, 2017....a lot of losses, but doing the best that I can despite life's challenges!

I am riding a roller coaster...up and down, but have noticed a pattern that when I am having a bad day medically, then Jim's loss is totally off the chart!  When I am feeling better, it is easier to deal with Jim's loss, but still challenging.

I am trying to focus on the "Positive" things that Jim and I had together in our 42 years of marriage, having two kids, and two grand kids! 

Hugs!

Needing Support

 


Lorita
Posted: Friday, October 27, 2017 8:34 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 12884


 Hi Needing Support,

Probably the reason the loss of your Jim is worse when you're not feeling well is because he was with you, giving you support, love and confidence when you weren't well. I know when I was having some kind of medical problem or was dreading something that was coming up like a doctor's appointment, Charles would give me a big hug and say that it would be all right.  I miss that so much- there's no one to physically give you that support now-- but there is much support from everyone on this wonderful forum. All we have to do is share what we fear and there's someone to help.


Needing Support
Posted: Saturday, October 28, 2017 8:30 PM
Joined: 2/17/2014
Posts: 122


Lorita,

Jim retired in June 2007 instead of December 2007 to take care of me due to my medical issues.

In 2011, Jim was diagnosed, with NPH (dementia symptoms) and I was his caregiver from 2011-2017 January 1, 2017,  when he passed.

I miss Jim so much, but doing the best that I can to continue to move forward despite life's challenges!

Hugs!

Vicki